Baby Shower Questions and Issues

[ambertwogood]

Okay, so I'm 31 weeks, due the beginning of February. My life has had a lot changes in the past year and unfortunately that has also meant cutting a very significant number of girl friends. My sister is not around, my best friend lives in another state, as well as majority of my immediate and extended family. Leaving, only my mother to throw a baby shower. Unfortunately, my mother is the type that kind of sees everything that is not directly helping her as an inconvenience or using her time. She also has custody of my sisters daughter who we found out last year has a terminal cancer she's 9, and this creates a huge burden and lots of trips out of state for her treatment. My mom is also of the school that baby showers are done like two to three weeks previous to the due date!!! Scream! This is my first child and on top of that my life has had a complete overhaul this year and I am quite literally starting over with nothing at 27 years old. I just moved into a home that to say the least needs extensive work done and I have hardly anything to put in it. Like barely have dishes at this point. Not to mention that SO is the only one working and we have a very limited income BC of this so are not able to just go purchase what it is needed all at once or even remotely in a short period of time. Getting the work done on the house and furnishing as well as preparing for the first LO is going to take us the better part of a year to pay for. As well as paying off debts and getting a car and licenses back. To say the least, we are overwhelmed with all these pressing issues that have to be taken care of and I feel like I'm running out time. When I spoke to my mother about the shower back in September she said that she thought she would do it towards the end of Jan or early February. I'm terrified. I thought the shower should of been done late October or early November to avoid the holidays and peoples financial crunches and thought that doing it I. January would be bad BC people still haven't recovered from Xmas and I feel like its too close to my due date. I feel like I can't properly prepare for the baby BC I don't want to purchase things that will be gifted at my shower, but I also feel like I can't possibly be ready for baby to come if I do t just buy the stuff. Not to mention the issue that I could possibly have the lo before I even have a shower and if I don't then I don't feel like I will have enough time to purchase everything that wasn't gifted to me BC of our limited financial situation. I just don't know what to do. To top it off, my mom has to take my niece to Baltimore the third week of January for scans and every time they go its not promised that she will be cleared to return home BC we can't predict whether all will be well and she won't need additional treatment..... I feel like i just have to wait this out. How can I be demanding about something that is supposed to left to someone else to plan. The other issue is that pretty much everyone that would come to my showed if they were here lives out of state so I don't even know how you could put together a shower with almost no one actually being able to Be there. My great grandmother passed away this week so majority of the family that lives out of state will be here next week for the funeral, is it inappropriate to make my mother plan an impromptu shower for a few days After the funeral BC family will be here anyways? Please help, I don't even know where to begin to get this okay, and I'm the kind of person who needs to feel prepared. I hate the idea of waiting until baby is almost here to be able to finish everything I need to do....sigh...

 

[lemongrass]

I think you shouldn't rely on the baby shower to prepare for your baby. It sounds like you might not even get one which is understandable since your mom is dealing with a much more pressing issue than throwing a party. Not everyone gets a shower and even though you are struggling financially it is up to you and your partner to fund your child's life. If that means getting government assistance or going to the food bank to set aside some money for baby necessities than that's what you'll have to do. Focus on the bare essentials for baby: somewhere to sleep, clothes to wear, diapers. Hopefully you'll be able to breastfeed and that will save you money. Look for used items, sometimes you can even find stuff for free. Good luck.

 

[Ellie Bean]

I'm having my shower like 3-4 weeks before my due date. Hth.

 

[ambertwogood]

3-4 weeks I could deal with better. Right now its looking like it will be around 10 days previous to dd. Is it inappropriate for me to just plan it myself or to do a small impromptu one this next week while family is also here for my great grandmothers funeral. It just seems incredibly selfish and inappropriate to me.....

 

[felix555]

Don't rely on the shower. If you're struggling financially then get a couple of packs of nappies, 6 sleep suits, 6 vests, a warm cardigan or similar (depending on weather where you are) somewhere for your baby to sleep and that is really all a baby needs.

People very rarely give useful stuff anyways at showers or as baby gifts in general. Mostly people like to give cute (but not practical) outfits.

 

[felix555]

3-4 weeks I could deal with better. Right now its looking like it will be around 10 days previous to dd. Is it inappropriate for me to just plan it myself or to do a small impromptu one this next week while family is also here for my great grandmothers funeral. It just seems incredibly selfish and inappropriate to me.....

To me, yes it seems disrespectful to plan the shower a few days after the funeral.

 

[Ashersmomma]

I agree with the other ladies. It's best not to rely on a baby shower to provide for your baby. Focus on the getting the essentials yourself. Some where for baby to sleep, clothes, diapers, wipes and car seat. We didn't get a baby shower with this baby and I had to start over since we are having a girl this time.
You can find bassinets fairly cheap, and baby can sleep in that for a while until you can save for a crib.(bought one for DD for about $35) Cribs can be found fairly inexpensively as well.( I paid $135 for DSs) If you don't have the funds for a car seat, check with your local DHS or WIC office or your hospital. They may be able to assist you in obtaining one, plus possibly other items. I was able to start early enough that I was able to put my car seat on layaway and make small payments.
Good, cheap clothes can be found at thrift or consignment stores. I rarely buy new.
Sign up with diaper and formula companies. They give great coupons!
I knew it's not easy and but scary to think about paying for a baby when things are tight. I've had to do it myself after DH lost his job and then I lost mine a couple months later. But it is possible. You just need to pinch your pennies and get just the necessities. Babies don't really need that much when they are so little. They are happy with a full belly, clean diaper, comfy place to sleep, and someone to cuddle them.
If you do end up having a baby shower later on, just let guests know what you already have. They can get you all those other little fun things at that point.

 

[MollyNorwood]

You have received some great advice here OP, and I totally agree with everyone else on this. Don't hold your breath and rely on gifts from others to help cover any items you don't have such as a crib etc as most people would only get the smaller items like pacifiers anyway.
If you start putting important things on lay away from now and paying them off bit by bit then if you do have a baby shower close to your due date, you can tell guests what you already have as Ashersmomma suggested

 

[emeeorevan]

I agree with all pp. Although i wouldn't plan something so close to a funeral, there is nothing that says you can't plan it your self. I'd mail invitations to all family and friends in plenty of time for them to try to make arrangements to come (which they probably won't) but most would probably send a gift or gift card via mail once they receive the invitation.
BUT you really do only need the bare minimum for baby so if you do plan shower id just ask for practical items like blankets, clothes, diapers, wipes, and possibly gift cards and so just in case bottles.

 

[Surprised26]

I just had my shower on Saturday, and I'm due On January 18th. The majority of what I got was cutesy outfits and blankets. Which are nice, but I really didn't get anything practical. Agreeing with pp, you really don't need much, I have a pack-n-play with a bassinet attachment that's going to serve as my crib until baby is ready for a toddler bed. It was $65. I also have been putting some time into ebay. I got a lot of 32 barely used onesies for $14 (that's including the shipping cost). Focus on diapers (or do cloth like some of the ladies here). WIC and Foodstamps both provide formula, if that's your route, or breast feeding is ofc economical. It's hard, but you can do it mama I lost my job the day after I announced my pregnancy, and my OH has been in and out of work (currently out). We're losing our house, our utilities are being cut, we have to now move while I'm 8 months pregnant but damn it this baby will still be provided for. Bad situations happen, but you have to do the best you can for this little one and just assume that no one will have your back but yourself. Good luck ♥

 

[Gym knickers]

With my first I had my baby shower about 10 days before. I didn't even think about it. As others have said I had loads of lovely things but I'd made sure I already had all the important things myself. You don't need all the gadgets, just the bare essentials and you can get the rest as you need it- nappies/ vests/ sleep suits/ car seat/ bottles of you plan to ff and a Moses basket will be enough to start xx

 

[HopefulMarla]

Woah, the lack of sensitivity from people replying is kinda mind blowing. First off, im pretty sure OP knows that she's financially responsibile for the baby. So, the first person who replied. Kinda rude and insensitive. Second, OP I'm sorry you're so stressed out. As a first time mom you really want things to go a certain way, because it is your first and you're excited and scared all at the same time! That is completely understandable. I think every FTM deserves a shower! It makes you feel so loved and supported. I had three baby showers! I was INCREDIBLY lucky. But! Before I knew I was having three, I didn't even know if I would have one. Your concerns are valid. You don't want to get stuff that other people are gonna be getting you, but you do need to get what baby needs. Now, you probably think you don't have enough time but I SWEAR you do!! My last baby shower was when I was 37 weeks. I am now 40 and before I had reached 37 weeks I thought it was ridiculous having a shower that close to due date. It's not! You're gonna have soooo much time and be REALLY impatient, that it will better serve you to have a bunch to do with baby stuff to keep busy. Buy essentials that baby has to have, and then wait for your shower. Don't do it with your grandmothers funeral, that's insensitive. Just try to stay calm, and let your mom handle it. She has a lot going on, but you still have more than enough time. I'm sorry you're going through financial trouble. That's always the worst! So think about secondhand for some of this stuff. I wouldn't worry too much about baby clothes as most people at showers give just that. I would focus on getting the big stuff that you probably won't get at the shower. Car seat being the #1 priority. Then work on the next big item. Again, you have sooooo much time. It just doesn't feel like that cuz you're thinking of it all at once. Which is perfectly natural and normal for FTM. I'm sorry you're overwhelmed. I hope it gets better. Just remember to breathe!

 

[Angel1990x]

I think baby showers are more of a novilty than helpful, most people will only bring you small bits and peices for your baby and hoping people will buy everything for you is not the best way to plan for your new arrival ...i have 10 weeks left to go, and i don't plan to have a baby shower ....

there are many places to go for help with these bits and peices, i dont know about your area, but in the UK we get coupons n leaflets for freebies and samples and money off baby essentials like nappies and toiletries ... which is a god send to people on low income like myself.

Me and my OH saved alot of money but buying second hand bits, like the bath, blankets n a few sleepsuits, I'm also planning on breastfeeding which is not only better for baby but free!!

Help will be there huni, just make sure your looking in the right places, and listining to all the other mummys on here xxx

 

[felix555]

Woah, the lack of sensitivity from people replying is kinda mind blowing. First off, im pretty sure OP knows that she's financially responsibile for the baby. So, the first person who replied. Kinda rude and insensitive. Second, OP I'm sorry you're so stressed out. As a first time mom you really want things to go a certain way, because it is your first and you're excited and scared all at the same time! That is completely understandable. I think every FTM deserves a shower! It makes you feel so loved and supported. I had three baby showers! I was INCREDIBLY lucky. But! Before I knew I was having three, I didn't even know if I would have one. Your concerns are valid. You don't want to get stuff that other people are gonna be getting you, but you do need to get what baby needs. Now, you probably think you don't have enough time but I SWEAR you do!! My last baby shower was when I was 37 weeks. I am now 40 and before I had reached 37 weeks I thought it was ridiculous having a shower that close to due date. It's not! You're gonna have soooo much time and be REALLY impatient, that it will better serve you to have a bunch to do with baby stuff to keep busy. Buy essentials that baby has to have, and then wait for your shower. Don't do it with your grandmothers funeral, that's insensitive. Just try to stay calm, and let your mom handle it. She has a lot going on, but you still have more than enough time. I'm sorry you're going through financial trouble. That's always the worst! So think about secondhand for some of this stuff. I wouldn't worry too much about baby clothes as most people at showers give just that. I would focus on getting the big stuff that you probably won't get at the shower. Car seat being the #1 priority. Then work on the next big item. Again, you have sooooo much time. It just doesn't feel like that cuz you're thinking of it all at once. Which is perfectly natural and normal for FTM. I'm sorry you're overwhelmed. I hope it gets better. Just remember to breathe!

Nobody has been rude nor insensitive. Well ... until you came along.

The OP asked for opinions, nobody has even been harsh at all. If you have a problem with a reply hit "report" admin on here seems more than capable on this forum, I doubt they need help from you policing our answers.

 

[Lithodora]

Don't have a baby shower, simple. Don't rely on others to buy stuff for your baby, that's your job tbh.

 

[THart]

I think you shouldn't rely on the baby shower to prepare for your baby. It sounds like you might not even get one which is understandable since your mom is dealing with a much more pressing issue than throwing a party. Not everyone gets a shower and even though you are struggling financially it is up to you and your partner to fund your child's life. If that means getting government assistance or going to the food bank to set aside some money for baby necessities than that's what you'll have to do. Focus on the bare essentials for baby: somewhere to sleep, clothes to wear, diapers. Hopefully you'll be able to breastfeed and that will save you money. Look for used items, sometimes you can even find stuff for free. Good luck.

^^this

On the other note- a baby shower with the funeral seems completely innapropiate and disrespectful to me.

 

[Julesillini8]

I wouldn't plan my own shower right with the funeral. That's seems off to me. I also wouldn't wait for things gifted at a shower.You will never knowwhat you will or wont get, that would make me so nervous! I would start looking at eBay, local goodwill stores Etc. often with a little effort you may be able to find some decent items that way if money is tight.
Most of the other posters have said the same thing as me....
But I don't think anyone is being insensitive. Providing for your baby will be your responsibility and costs just go up as they grow. Sorry finances are tight, but i just don't think it's right to RELY on others to buy you everything. i hope that doesnt come off as rude, it's just my opinion.
Hope you have some luck getting what you need, and then I hope you do have a nice shower and get some cute outfits and extras!

 

[HopefulMarla]

Woah, the lack of sensitivity from people replying is kinda mind blowing. First off, im pretty sure OP knows that she's financially responsibile for the baby. So, the first person who replied. Kinda rude and insensitive. Second, OP I'm sorry you're so stressed out. As a first time mom you really want things to go a certain way, because it is your first and you're excited and scared all at the same time! That is completely understandable. I think every FTM deserves a shower! It makes you feel so loved and supported. I had three baby showers! I was INCREDIBLY lucky. But! Before I knew I was having three, I didn't even know if I would have one. Your concerns are valid. You don't want to get stuff that other people are gonna be getting you, but you do need to get what baby needs. Now, you probably think you don't have enough time but I SWEAR you do!! My last baby shower was when I was 37 weeks. I am now 40 and before I had reached 37 weeks I thought it was ridiculous having a shower that close to due date. It's not! You're gonna have soooo much time and be REALLY impatient, that it will better serve you to have a bunch to do with baby stuff to keep busy. Buy essentials that baby has to have, and then wait for your shower. Don't do it with your grandmothers funeral, that's insensitive. Just try to stay calm, and let your mom handle it. She has a lot going on, but you still have more than enough time. I'm sorry you're going through financial trouble. That's always the worst! So think about secondhand for some of this stuff. I wouldn't worry too much about baby clothes as most people at showers give just that. I would focus on getting the big stuff that you probably won't get at the shower. Car seat being the #1 priority. Then work on the next big item. Again, you have sooooo much time. It just doesn't feel like that cuz you're thinking of it all at once. Which is perfectly natural and normal for FTM. I'm sorry you're overwhelmed. I hope it gets better. Just remember to breathe!

Nobody has been rude nor insensitive. Well ... until you came along.

The OP asked for opinions, nobody has even been harsh at all. If you have a problem with a reply hit "report" admin on here seems more than capable on this forum, I doubt they need help from you policing our answers.

Right..... Lemongrass saying that her mother shouldn't worry about throwing a "party" Cuz she has much pressing matters, and then reinstating that a baby is her responsibility. It's unsupportive. Everyone knows that they have to financially care for a child. No one is that ignorant! And as women we should be supporting one another, not being judgement all and passive aggressive. That response was passive aggressive. She's a first time mom, and being pretty open and vulnerable. There's a better way to say that then "you're financially responsible". Instead "wow, that sounds stressful! Here's useful information you don't already know". And that's what makes some of these forums hard, because women are all pissy and better than, and can be sooooo unsympathetic. If me calling that out makes me "rude" and you have an issue with it. Then I guess you can report me too.

 

[HopefulMarla]

Woah, the lack of sensitivity from people replying is kinda mind blowing. First off, im pretty sure OP knows that she's financially responsibile for the baby. So, the first person who replied. Kinda rude and insensitive. Second, OP I'm sorry you're so stressed out. As a first time mom you really want things to go a certain way, because it is your first and you're excited and scared all at the same time! That is completely understandable. I think every FTM deserves a shower! It makes you feel so loved and supported. I had three baby showers! I was INCREDIBLY lucky. But! Before I knew I was having three, I didn't even know if I would have one. Your concerns are valid. You don't want to get stuff that other people are gonna be getting you, but you do need to get what baby needs. Now, you probably think you don't have enough time but I SWEAR you do!! My last baby shower was when I was 37 weeks. I am now 40 and before I had reached 37 weeks I thought it was ridiculous having a shower that close to due date. It's not! You're gonna have soooo much time and be REALLY impatient, that it will better serve you to have a bunch to do with baby stuff to keep busy. Buy essentials that baby has to have, and then wait for your shower. Don't do it with your grandmothers funeral, that's insensitive. Just try to stay calm, and let your mom handle it. She has a lot going on, but you still have more than enough time. I'm sorry you're going through financial trouble. That's always the worst! So think about secondhand for some of this stuff. I wouldn't worry too much about baby clothes as most people at showers give just that. I would focus on getting the big stuff that you probably won't get at the shower. Car seat being the #1 priority. Then work on the next big item. Again, you have sooooo much time. It just doesn't feel like that cuz you're thinking of it all at once. Which is perfectly natural and normal for FTM. I'm sorry you're overwhelmed. I hope it gets better. Just remember to breathe!

Nobody has been rude nor insensitive. Well ... until you came along.

The OP asked for opinions, nobody has even been harsh at all. If you have a problem with a reply hit "report" admin on here seems more than capable on this forum, I doubt they need help from you policing our answers.

Oh! And no one policed your answer. So maybe don't be so sensitive next time.

 

[Surprised26]

I'm not trying to pick a fight but I really don't think that lemongrass was being insensitive, but merely observing that dealing with a lost loved one and a terminally ill child is overwhelming in itself, and that a baby shower might not be at the top of her mother's priority list. Of course she deserves shower and for her baby to be celebrated, we all do, but sometimes tragedy overshadows that, understandably. We're all just trying to help.