Bad Children or Bad Parents?

[Natasha2605]

Since it's somewhat quiet in here I thought I'd start a debate on something that I'm , personally, quite interested in.


Do you believe there's such a thing as bad children, or simply bad parents?

The topics been bothering me a lot lately as my dad believe it's his and my mum's fault to how my brother has turned out.

*He's 20, left school at 16 with very little in the way of qualifications, has a problem with authority to the point where he can't keep a job down and generally has no motivation to do something worthwhile with his life, he's quite happy scrounging off the govt.

* I am 19, finished school with 5 highers and accepted a place at university, I have worked everyday since I was 16, now on Mat leave obv, have my own flat with my OH etc.

We're complete opposites in every way imaginable. But how did we end up this way considering we were brought up exactly the same? Happy, loving home, not overly strict parents. Didn't want for anything, brought up with a good work ethic, although my brother obv skipped that lesson hehe.

I just boggles my mind how we've ended up so differently. My brother's not a bad person but my mum and dad have never been bad parents.

So anyway, now I'm done giving my example, bad children or bad parents?

 

[v2007]

Sounds like your brother is just lazy. He is getting free money of the Social so as long he gets that he wont be motivated to work.

I say neither, but children learn from example so i think if a child has a crappy upbringing, then they go on to have kids then the parent has 2 options teach them right or wrong or just not give a damn and then the cycle continues.

V xxxx

 

[Dragonfly]

This kinda only can be applied to individual cases. I wouldnt like to say all kids are born bad its how they are brought up. Girls can be different from boys. I know as my brother is a lay about loser who scrounges of my parents and lives in their house for free and he is 32 yet I was told to move out when I was 17 and have never gotten any free treatment of my parents and am and always have been independent. Its how I was brought up he was brought up very different in the same house hold. He was first born and spoiled I was second and ignored. Third child gets all attention now but came long after me. I would in my case blame my parents. They did parent different with each child, favouritism which caused me to act out as a teen for attention , ie drugs. My bro and I have no qualifications at all as we where told however we where stupid.

yes bad parents in mine. I cant see how kids can be born bad really. Some maybe more to handle that others as we are all different but there are ways of handling.

OP your bro is like mine. Will not get a dam job! if he does he will have to pay parents and he dosnt want to do that they pay for him while he gets his money off the government and goes clubbing and gets everyone else to pay. Both my parents worked up to now they have retired but all their life!

 

[blahblahblah]

I think there can be both, and the worst results come from a combination.

Some children need more or better parenting than others to turn out well... a 'bad' child can be turned around with good parenting and vice versa.

 

[PeanutBean]

I think both. Genetically people can be predisposed to be aggressive, addictive, rebellious, various other sorts of those characteristics. In good hands they might avoid being 'bad', or maybe they won't. I think bad parents can certainly drive people to be bad but again, there will be good people coming out of bad family situations too as people respond differently to the same circumstances.

 

[SKATERBUN]

Yes I agree with V2007, children do learn by example.

Another angle though, if say for instance a child suffered with autism or aspergers and someone was unaware of this said 'they are a bad child because they said/did something un acceptable', then of course no one is to blame as its a condition the child cannot help.

 

[smokey]

I think a mixture of both, my brother is one of the most nastiest people I have ever know, always in trouble with police , has a string of children and probably plenty more I dont know about, is a drug abuser and seller, is violant but then he was raised by my grandparents so there may be the link.
But my friends parents are complete benafit scrounging, lazt, heartless slobs with drinking and gambeling problems and debt up to their ears and have been kicked out of their rented home many a time yet she grew up to finish school with 9 gcse's went on to finish college and uni and is now training to be a nurse and is one of the most sweetest, kindest hard working people I know so I think if someone can be good despite how they where raised then someone can be bad despite how they are raised

 

[BlackBerry25]

Some kids are just born bad, I think. My brother was, but he also is Schizophrenic so there could be different underlying things. You should read "We Need to Talk About Kevin"

 

[redpoppy]

I think both. Genetically people can be predisposed to be aggressive, addictive, rebellious, various other sorts of those characteristics. In good hands they might avoid being 'bad', or maybe they won't. I think bad parents can certainly drive people to be bad but again, there will be good people coming out of bad family situations too as people respond differently to the same circumstances.

I totally agree with this.

I do think that children are born with a "nature" and how they are treated then results how their nature reacts to it's surroundings.

Treating two different children exactly the same can result in one kid becoming "bad" and the other kid not. It's important to take into consideration a child's nature when parenting. However, I do think far too many grown adults "blame" their parents for far too long. No one's parents are perfect, they are human and they make mistakes. Those people need to find some balance and harmony in themselves, forgive their parents who most of the time did the best they could and move on.

 

[Eve]

From a parent of a "bad kid" I don't think it is always to do with the parents, but also know it can be. It's a mix of both I believe. My son has ODD and possible Bi-polar disorder and if you didn't know, you would just think he was raised terribly. Well, look up ODD and the symptoms of it and you would see why. I was/am a younger mother, but I do not feel my parenting has made a direct impact on my son's behavior. I've read many different parenting books, tried many different tecniques and nothing has worked. It's been a rough road and we have a long way to go, but we are trying and I hope at some point we can get something going that helps.

 

[aliss]

There are always going to be people who don't conform - ie "bad".

I work with a lot of drug addicts, homeless, violent people, prostitutes, whatever. Some of them have very good parents - evidenced by their siblings being very productive. Parents can try all they want, but there are some people for whatever reason (genetic, personality) make decisions that go against what they've been taught.

 

[BlackBerry25]

From a parent of a "bad kid" I don't think it is always to do with the parents, but also know it can be. It's a mix of both I believe. My son has ODD and possible Bi-polar disorder and if you didn't know, you would just think he was raised terribly. Well, look up ODD and the symptoms of it and you would see why. I was/am a younger mother, but I do not feel my parenting has made a direct impact on my son's behavior. I've read many different parenting books, tried many different tecniques and nothing has worked. It's been a rough road and we have a long way to go, but we are trying and I hope at some point we can get something going that helps.

Exactly the same as my mom with my brother. You can love them as much as possible, and research and do everything you possibly can and they still can have problems. It's hard not to feel guilty, I think, but I can tell you are a great mom.

 

[Eve]

From a parent of a "bad kid" I don't think it is always to do with the parents, but also know it can be. It's a mix of both I believe. My son has ODD and possible Bi-polar disorder and if you didn't know, you would just think he was raised terribly. Well, look up ODD and the symptoms of it and you would see why. I was/am a younger mother, but I do not feel my parenting has made a direct impact on my son's behavior. I've read many different parenting books, tried many different tecniques and nothing has worked. It's been a rough road and we have a long way to go, but we are trying and I hope at some point we can get something going that helps.

Exactly the same as my mom with my brother. You can love them as much as possible, and research and do everything you possibly can and they still can have problems. It's hard not to feel guilty, I think, but I can tell you are a great mom.

Thanks hun! It's hard for sure. I've beat myself down trying to find out why, with no answers other than genetics. Bi-polar disorder runs in both sides of his family (mine and his dad's). It's hard knowing my son will probably have to be admitted into a child psychiatric hospital before the age of 10 to try and find something to help him get through this and not become a terrible statistic Again, thanks hun, you don't know how much that was needed right now.

 

[BlackBerry25]

 

[indy and lara]

From a parent of a "bad kid" I don't think it is always to do with the parents, but also know it can be. It's a mix of both I believe. My son has ODD and possible Bi-polar disorder and if you didn't know, you would just think he was raised terribly. Well, look up ODD and the symptoms of it and you would see why. I was/am a younger mother, but I do not feel my parenting has made a direct impact on my son's behavior. I've read many different parenting books, tried many different tecniques and nothing has worked. It's been a rough road and we have a long way to go, but we are trying and I hope at some point we can get something going that helps.

I think that you have hit the nail on the head- if you don't know then you presume.... ODD/ Autism/ ADHD and the like have no immediately recognisable features so people are quick to say they are bad kids or have bad parents. ODD is so very hard to deal with so you have my admiration for all you are trying for your son- you are clearly a super mummy so don't put yourself down.

My cousin has ADHD. As a child and early teen he and his parents struggled with his behaviour and violence. He spent time in a residential school. He graduated 3 years ago and now holds a VERY responsible job and is doing so well. Sometimes you can see characteristics of his ADHD in his behaviour but he can control many of his impulses now. It is a long road but there can be a postive outcome.

 

[Eve]

From a parent of a "bad kid" I don't think it is always to do with the parents, but also know it can be. It's a mix of both I believe. My son has ODD and possible Bi-polar disorder and if you didn't know, you would just think he was raised terribly. Well, look up ODD and the symptoms of it and you would see why. I was/am a younger mother, but I do not feel my parenting has made a direct impact on my son's behavior. I've read many different parenting books, tried many different tecniques and nothing has worked. It's been a rough road and we have a long way to go, but we are trying and I hope at some point we can get something going that helps.

I think that you have hit the nail on the head- if you don't know then you presume.... ODD/ Autism/ ADHD and the like have no immediately recognisable features so people are quick to say they are bad kids or have bad parents. ODD is so very hard to deal with so you have my admiration for all you are trying for your son- you are clearly a super mummy so don't put yourself down.

My cousin has ADHD. As a child and early teen he and his parents struggled with his behaviour and violence. He spent time in a residential school. He graduated 3 years ago and now holds a VERY responsible job and is doing so well. Sometimes you can see characteristics of his ADHD in his behaviour but he can control many of his impulses now. It is a long road but there can be a postive outcome.

Thank you very much... it makes me feel better to know of the positive outcomes My days are chaotic constantly, rest is a thing of the past, even when baby is sleeping, unless my son is at his father's house (which he wasn't going for almost a year, but judge felt he should have visitation),and that is a whole other story! The verbal and physical abuse is so overwhelming... Anyways people who know about it, know what I mean, so I don't need to go on about it all. Again, thank you

 

[polo_princess]

I dont think its one or the other, its a combination of many many factors.

Im not awake properly yet, but i'll have a think about it a bit more in depth later

 

[hopeandpray]

I think that 90% of the time it's parents. And while parents may have a few children some of whom turn out 'good' and some 'bad' that doesn't mean it's all the child's fault. All children are different so one parenting style doesn't fit everyone and a good parent will respond differently to all their children.
to all those you have siblings or children with mental health problems that cause bad bahaviour. That's nobody's fault and i admire you all for dealing with such a difficult thing

 

[curlykate]

The way I see it, it can be both. But there are also other things to consider...
~You can have a child with a disorder/mental health issue/etc. They're seen as "bad", however, it has nothing to do with how they're raised. Their disorder is the cause of the bad behaviour. Sure, certain parenting styles can help with this, and therefore "fix" the behaviour, but in the end, the bad behaviour isn't anyone's fault.
~On the other hand, there are children who are "bad" because of the way they are parented. I see it all the time in daycare. The child who is babied, or not disciplined, or ignored, etc etc. There are many different reasons. These children act out either for the attention, or because they want something, and won't stop until they get it. Obviously not all children who are parented like this are "bad", but those who are probably could have been avoided if the parents had just disciplined according to what the child needed.
Obviously not every child is black and white, and some will act out no matter what, while others in the same situation will be perfect angels. The key is remembering that all children are different, and therefore need different parenting styles.

 

[Justagirlxx]

I'd say it's a bit of both. This is really just another version of the debate of nature vs. nurture.