Bad reaction from ttc friend :(

[LittleMum]

One of my closest friends has been ttc for 2 years and hasn't reacted very well to my BFP
I told her as wanted her to be one of the first to know, knew it would be hard for her and didn't want her finding out from anyone else.
She said all the right things but wasn't able to hide disappointment from her voice.
I text her this morning to make sure she's ok but she's ignored me.

Really don't know what to do, she's an extremely emotional person at the best of times but surely she should still be happy for her friend?

I know it sounds harsh but I'm not willing to pussy foot around her, she's 40 now and has to understand that I'm 12 years younger so it was gonna happen quicker but still feel awful

 

[joeyjo]

Tbh it's the kind of response I'd expect if she's been trying 2 years already and is at that sort of age. Of course she wouldn't be able to hide her disappointment from her voice and nor should she be expected to really. She will be hurting and grieving despite being happy for you and actually saying "the right things" will have taken enormous effort on her part.

Step away, let her grieve, do not expect to discuss the details of your pregnancy with her, let her cope in her own way but let her know if she does want you then you are available - I wouldn't even necessarily expect replies to this.

I think you did the right thing telling her early but you really need to let her handle this in her way.

 

[Boothh]

I think you do sound abit harsh, you've only told her a day ago at most from your signature and if you say she's very emotional anyway you've hardly gave her time to come around. If she said the right things than that's the main thing. Not like she kicked off, of course it will make her feel abit off as it's the thing she wants too! Give her abit of time, she probably is happy for you, just frustrated for herself and it's hard to hide but at least she tried to hide it. What more do you want from her!
Just give her a few days and talk about other things when you next speak, let her bring it up at least the first time.

 

[petite ping]

If she has been TTC for a long time - it will be hard for her not to be disappointed and even a bit jealous even if she is pleased for you.

It took me 18 months to conceive my Lo and during that time, I could barely look at other pregnant women and when friends announced they were expecting, I could only put on a brave face and pretend to be happy.

If you don't want to pussyfoot around her so be it but be aware that it's tough for her to be around you. She is older and she probably feels the biological clock ticking away.

If I were you I would leave her alone for a bit to sort her feelings out.

 

[AP]

I agree, you need to think about her feelings a bit, she's your friend. She'll be happy but hurt inside it's not happening for her yet.

 

[lazymum]

I am nearly 40...what you said about you being younger..sounded a bit harsh. You will blink and you will be 40 as well.
However I totally understand your frustration - two of my closest friends ( my age) have no children, saying to them that I am pregnant was/is the most difficult thing. One of them stopped seeing me after I announced my previous pregnancy, She does not seek my company anymore and replies on my emails after 4 or 5 days....

 

[Islas_mummy]

I have a friend who has been trying for another baby for 4 years, but has unexplained infertility.

There are 3 of us in our little work group and our 3rd friend fell pregnant last year. It was really hard on our TTC friend and they didn't really speak through the whole pregnancy. But since the baby has been born she has been much better!

So i had to break my news to her recently, and it was much the same as you said really. Said the right things, but could tell she was very sad. It's been 6 weeks now and she hasn't mentioned anything about the baby or pregnancy to me.

It doesn't help that I fell pregnant on my first try. Even though I have PCOS and extremely long cycles. We used to talk about infertility and TTC all the time in work. And now things are awkward. But I am pretty good at just talking about nonsense to keep her talking to me. I can't imagine what she's going through.

I think you just need to give your friend time to sort her head through it. But not expect too much because every time she sees your bump grow its going to drag up some other feelings in her.

Good luck!

 

[pinkpassion]

I agree with everyone else... give her time... in my case after receiving news of my friends pregnancys I was very sad and upset, but not with any of them, it was all directed at myself and it was too hard to show my excitement and happiness for them immediately... after a few days/weeks I was able to come back and get excited and share their joy with them.... from your sig it looks like you've gotten pregnant quite easily... so most likely you've never had to go through the frustration and disappointment of long time ttc.... it really takes it's toll on one!!! Please give her time, do not make her feel like it's all about you, because what she's dealing with is about her, and be sensitive to her situation!!! She will come around soon enough!!

 

[Cheska]

We tried for our son for 9months and it was the longest 9 month of my life (I was 26 at the time) so I can't imagine being in the shoes of someone trying for years. It becomes an obsession and you feel like the whole world is pregnant bar you.

I think she has been strong 'saying the right things' because inside she wil have been a little bit crushed. That doesn't mean she isn't happy for you and I'm sure in her own time she will come around. X

 

[Teeny]

she will find it hard. she's tried her best to do the right thing but she will be crushed inside.......that's friendship!

give her some space and be a friend to her back by accepting she may not be all you want her to be for u while nursing her breaking heart xxxx

 

[LittleMum]

Sorry that sounded waaaaaay more harsh than I meant it! I posted it as I was running out of the door trying not to be late for toddler group and kind of have up halfway

Thank you all so much for your comments, some great advice.

Luckily I have since heard from her and am so grateful that she's being so honest. She has explained that it hurts but she is very happy for me, just feels all alone as not getting the support she needs from her boyfriend. I have offered my services as her ranting post but just really wish there was something I could do to help her!
She would be the most amazing mum (she's our daughters guardian) its just so sad

 

[cait]

I agree with everyone above - you need to give her more time! She can't just switch off her feelings.
And when she does feel ready to be in touch again, don't talk about the pregnancy for a while, or wait til she asks about it.

 

[xdxxtx]

Yes, give her time. At least she tried her best to be excited for you, even though her heart is broken. No need to pussyfoot, but her feelings do matter. She WILL be quite happy for you, but she just needs to mourn her own lack of a pregnancy first.

I have a lot of respect for your friend, for trying here. My sister has thrown a massive fit every time I've gotten a BFP. This time, she just can't stop talking about how irresponsible I am because I got pregnant 2 months after having a baby. She gives me grief about EVERYthing, every time, and even goes as far as to tell me "horror stories" to try and scare me throughout the pregnancies.

The fact that your friend hasn't stooped to this level means that she does care about you. I think "pinkpassion" has it all right. I TTC for 18 months before getting my first baby, and all the babies who were conceived and born during that time were painful for me, and it took me a little bit of time to be happy for people, if I was even able to be just because of how upset I was with MY body.

 

[Eternal]

Yeah, please leave her to adjust and feel how she feel, I understand you need her to feel happy for you, but if you yourself only found yo yesterday then expecting her to text you back and have come around to it just won't have happened yet. Give her space.

I've had and have friends who have been in similar circumstances, and it's hard, mine are all happy for me but I know it hurts and flip if I pass on some of my fertility I would.

I've been fairly lucky fertility wise, expect for a shirt while after my 1st I've fallen very quickly, but I have suffered losses and some people have been and were really insensitive. Even those I've had twin since my loss and I'm pregnant again I still hurt when I think about it and see babies the same age mine would have been.

I think it's so unfair on both sides, you want your friend and that's great, but her feelings are normal and she cannot help but hurt, she doesn't want to feel like that.

 

[imaswimmer2]

I don't think you sound harsh seeing as this is a forum post and you're trying to paint a picture of the situation to strangers. I mean it's not like you said to her, "hey BFF, I know you're gettin pretty old especially compared to me, and this is gonna hurt, but I'm pregnant and you should be happy". I think you put her feelings as far forward as your own, and I'm sure she'll come around after the sting wears off. We get enough aches and pains being pregnant, please don't feel bad emotionally as well when you took a heartfelt, sensible approach to a tough situation.

 

[MC2]

I'm sorry. I do hope she will come around and be happy for you. I'm sure this was just her initial reaction and will get over it. I hope you have a great pregnancy and good luck!!

 

[Angelbaby_01]

I don't think you sound harsh seeing as this is a forum post and you're trying to paint a picture of the situation to strangers. I mean it's not like you said to her, "hey BFF, I know you're gettin pretty old especially compared to me, and this is gonna hurt, but I'm pregnant and you should be happy". I think you put her feelings as far forward as your own, and I'm sure she'll come around after the sting wears off. We get enough aches and pains being pregnant, please don't feel bad emotionally as well when you took a heartfelt, sensible approach to a tough situation.

Totally agreed.

 

[2have4kids]

I'm glad she responded to you and it was very kind of you to offer your ear to her for her rants. Girls need to stick together. It's SO hard when you can't conceive, I have a gf at work who's in her 20's and IM's me all the time when her family and friends announce their bfp. She's always in tears with me in a conference room. I'm 38, she's 25ish? and I just feel horrible for both of us my best friend is in her 8th month of pregnancy with her second, it's been hard but I support her and keep in contact with her all the time. She said something really nice to me-if she could give me some of her fertility dust she would, it brought me to tears. What else is there to say? Anyway, congratulations on your BFP, enjoy your 9 months!!

 

[Jess812]

She might just need some time away from you. It would be killing her deep down but will be happy for you. I think id be the same. Geez i got jealous when we were ttc for only 4 months with everyone announcing it!

give her time, im sure she'l contact you xx

 

[xjesx]

I think she is happy for her friend and thats why she still said "all the right things". She clearly wants to be happy for you otherwise she wouldn't have said anything at all or all the wrong things.

You don't have to pussy foot. I also dont think that the topics you speak with her on will change from everyday to only baby related.

I think we need to keep in mind that every time we get to say we are pregnant to someone who has been trying without success or has experienced loss - to them its saying you are not, I am - despite our happiness for ourselves (which is totally allowed).

Be sensitive but don't feel the need to hide your happiness.


***** I have since read your second post and yah...totally agree *****