Being sensitive to a family members loss

[FlatShoes]

Hi ladies.

I found out last week I am pregnant with my second child - happened very quickly, I had my coil removed on the 9th September and did a test last week when I still hadnt had a period - pregnant!

So onto my concern. My brother and his girlfriend had go to 22 weeks with their first child and she went into early labour and they lost the baby. A beautiful boy named Ben.

She would have been due around Christmas - by which time I will be about 12 weeks and ready to announce.

I really dont want to upset them and think it would be insensitive to announce then. So do I tell her earlier in person? Or do I wait until after the New Year to tell them?

I ahve already told my parents and asked them not to say anything.

Any advice would be vey helpful.

 

[PearDrops20]

I too had family members who lost their pregnancies although they were a lot earlier than your brother & his girlfriend.

My advice would to tell them personally, not over the phone as that would make it seem a little insensitive iykwim?

I told my dad before I knew about their loss & it took him a long time to come to terms with the fact that he was going to be a grandad. So don't be alarmed if they are a little negative at the start or don't seem to be so excited, they will come round eventually

Hope this helps

 

[joeyjo]

I would tell them earlier as I wouldn't want to risk them guessing through either my figure, lack of drinking etc or anybody letting it slip. I also think it gives them the longest possible time to come to terms with it. Telling them anywhere near their due date would be particularly hard I think.

for you & them

 

[4magpies]

I would tell her earlier and maybe not in person? Write her a heartfelt letter.

That way she doesn't have to fein happiness for you at the moment you tell her.

 

[redlemonade]

I've recently had to deal with this - I announced my pregnancy to my brother and SIL; they lost a baby earlier this year.

My advice is to tell them either before or after their expected due date for the baby they lost. They'll be reminded of their own loss no matter when you tell them, but it's best not to announce at a time when they'll likely feel most sad about their loss.

As for telling them in person or not - that depends on what you think they might prefer. I know some people would prefer to be told over the phone so that nobody has to see them get upset, but others find that too impersonal. I told my SIL and brother in person at the same time as my other siblings because I figured they wouldn't want to be treated differently.

Good luck!

 

[baileybubs]

I've been on both sides of this (albeit my mc was at 12 weeks whereas my SIL lost her daughter at 36 weeks so a little different). My SIL told me she was pregnant 4 weeks after I had MC and she told me in person, which I was ok with although it was upsetting. I am a very open person though and had discussed my MC with her previously.
Then we were both pregnant together for a while so I didn't actually have to tell her I was pregnant after her loss, but after the loss of our niece my SIL couldn't stand to see me. I didn't take it personally as I knew she was in incredible pain, but even once my daughter was born she couldn't look at her. She's only just coming round now, and I think that's because she has just had her little boy (although he will never replace her daughter, she is a mum now and feels a little closer to my daughter than she did). So as for telling her to her face I'm not sure what's best there. It might depend on how close you are or whether you feel she'd prefer that. My BIL also found it very difficult too, perhaps it may come better from your mum, and she can explain to them that you weren't sure what was the best way to tell them without upsetting them (or upsetting them any more than they already are).

I don't know if that's any help to you but congratulations, h&h 9 months to you, and don't worry too much as you are already showing how much you care and being a great SIL by asking advice on how to handle it. And don't take it personally if you find she becomes distant, it's hard not to be saddened by it but one day she will be closer to you again, and your brother.

 

[baileybubs]

Sorry I forgot to add that I agree it would be better to tell them sooner so it's not a shock around their most painful time

 

[xjesx]

no matter what time you tell it will stir up some painful feelings, so the most caring thing you could do is tell them in person before they find out some other way. They still want to know and still want to happy for you!

 

[Starry Night]

I would definitely tell them soon. Waiting until her due date to announce would be horrible. You never forget a due date. Even years later they are hard. Finding out now will be really hard on her but I think telling her at her due date would be almost cruel.

I've been at the receiving end of news, finding out my brother and his wife were expecting just 2 weeks after my loss. Just tell the news straight out and let them react how they want. A letter may be a good idea as I did have to fake happiness and that sucked. And let them avoid you without taking it personally. They'll come around on their own time.

And just enjoy your pregnancy. Once you tell them your news the rest is up to them. You shouldn't have to feel guilty for your own happiness. Congrats and hope you have a healthy pregnancy.

 

[FlatShoes]

Thank you so much everyone. I was never planning to tell her on her due date, it was either now or wait till the new year!

I think after reading your messages I will tell her sooner, rather than later. I think maybe I will tell my brother and ask him to tell her and then send her a message afterwards. I really hope she falls pregnant again soon, they are the most lovely couple and would be fantastic parents.