Benefit of the doubt?

[robinator]

The differing way in which DH and I view people in general got me thinking....

He worked several years in retail, and based on his experiences, is pretty much convinced that people are selfish, dishonest and not to be trusted. "People suck" is his motto, and sadly he means it.

I take a more liberal approach, not assuming that everyone is out for themselves, but not to the point where I don't trust my instincts. It does seem there are a lot of people out there who are willing to backstab and exploit anyone for their personal gain, and I try to look out for myself and my family as best I can.

Do you automatically give people the benefit of the doubt or are you more wary, cautious?

Potential babysitters, a colleague who wants to meet for drinks, people with signs asking for money on corners, loners in parking lots who give you the heebies, etc. Whatever the situation.

 

[LisaL79]

I have to agree with your DH.... for the most part... people do suck.

 

[Natsku]

I generally give people the benefit of the doubt. My ex was more of the "people suck" opinion and that was probably one of the things that made me even more convinced to give people the benefit of the doubt. Well that and certain personal experiences, like when I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in the wrong town at 3am - two women immediately took care of me (I was a student and pretty drunk), took me to their flat, fed me and gave me taxi numbers to call - after that (and some other experiences) I felt much more trusting of people in general

 

[robinator]

I've been way too trusting of people in the past and have been badly burned more than once. I think that's why I listen to instincts now; I wish I had then.

 

[Natsku]

I've been way too trusting of people in the past and have been badly burned more than once. I think that's why I listen to instincts now; I wish I had then.

If I have a strong instinct saying "ooo not good" then I will trust it but I rarely get that. I really do think most people have good intentions and that has been my experience so far (with the odd exception).

 

[robinator]

I think most people do, too, which is why dh's attitude bugs me. Yes, he's had some experiences which has shaped his views, but he is quick to lump everyone together under that assumption. I don't want lo picking up that his view is normal. I want to teach her to recognize and trust her instincts.

 

[SerenityNow]

I think for the most part you see what you expect to see. So if you think that most people are selfish and dishonest, you will find a lot of evidence to back you up. And if you think that people generally do their best to be kind and helpful, you will see that in the world instead.

I used to be pretty judgmental when I was a young person in my 20s, and I had to actively work on not being so quick to write people off. Now I find that I almost always have positive, friendly interactions with people.

There was a woman who worked at the office where you pay your parking tickets in my town (who I, unfortunately, saw more often than I should have!) and she was such a ray of sunshine. You would walk in and she was so upbeat and friendly and above all GENUINE! She's kind of my role model now. You know that almost everyone who walked in there was pissed off that they got a parking ticket and her attitude made a really big difference.

 

[robinator]

I think for the most part you see what you expect to see. So if you think that most people are selfish and dishonest, you will find a lot of evidence to back you up. And if you think that people generally do their best to be kind and helpful, you will see that in the world instead.

I used to be pretty judgmental when I was a young person in my 20s, and I had to actively work on not being so quick to write people off. Now I find that I almost always have positive, friendly interactions with people.

There was a woman who worked at the office where you pay your parking tickets in my town (who I, unfortunately, saw more often than I should have!) and she was such a ray of sunshine. You would walk in and she was so upbeat and friendly and above all GENUINE! She's kind of my role model now. You know that almost everyone who walked in there was pissed off that they got a parking ticket and her attitude made a really big difference.

I think there is a difference though between being a happy person and being naive towards people. It's possible to be very friendly and outgoing and still be able to read people and know when to put your guard up.

But it is too bad that there aren't more positive people out there; although it makes it that much more of a joy when you run into one!

 

[staralfur]

I usually give people benefit of the doubt. I tend to trust people pretty quickly and assume that people's intentions are good. My OH thinks I'm naive, but that's okay. I personally would rather give people benefit of the doubt and live in my world where people for the most part are nice and good...and if they prove me wrong, that's a reflection on their character, not mine.

Of course there are situations where I'd be a bit less trusting, like anything involving my LO I think I'm a skeptic. But as a general outlook on people/society/life, I try to stay positive.

 

[robinator]

..and if they prove me wrong, that's a reflection on their character, not mine.
.

It IS a reflection on their character, but you would still be the one being taken advantage of or hurt, iykwim. The damage is still being done.

Eta: I mean if giving the BOD is going against your gut instinct.

 

[staralfur]

Well, I guess out of the examples you gave in the OP the only one that I really felt I'd be critical of was the potential babysitter. When it comes to the safety of my child I'm not going to be overly trusting but in those other situations I am. I guess unless it directly involves me getting bludgeoned in the head by a stranger when I decided not to cross the street to avoid them because they seemed creepy, then I don't really care... If I give a guy money on the street and it turns out he has more money then I do, no skin off my back, really. That's HIS bad karma.

We just rented our old condo out to a girl who had questionable references...but she has a one year old and her other place was recently flooded. She was desperate. My OH and I decided to give her a chance, made it clear that we were going out on a limb and trusting her. We now have to evict her because she's loud and disrespectful to our neighbors. She has three dogs living there when she only paid a deposit for one. She basically fucked us. It sucks, but I don't regret giving her a chance. Again, it's a reflection of her character and had she been a good tenant I would've been so happy to have given her the benefit of the doubt. Now we just have to find a new tenant...not the end of the world.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I used to give my heart to anyone, I would trust anyone except with my kids, they are big now so i don't have that problem anymore. My kids only stayed with my MIL when they were little nobody else.

I don't believe everyone is out for themselves or a bad person, I know I am not so that gives me the belief that people still are decent in this big bad world.
Honestly, I have found that it is family that will screw you over and hurt you the most in life..

I am very cautious now , my husband can read people in a second of meeting them, it is amazing, he is always right . I will meet someone and say OMG how nice is this person and this and that and my husband will look at me like I am from planet Dumbo. He has real street smarts, he just can pick the person and just know, it is so weird, I can't do this.

I hate to think that there are more BAD people out there and less good people, but that may be true though . I used to get so angry when someone hurt me or did something wrong, because I had this stupid expectation that all people are like me in a way meaning being respectful helping others when they can, as soon as I realized this world isn't like this and expect nothing even from the closest people to you, my attitude got better, but it did make me trust no-one.

I still wont turn my back on people in need, when Storm Sandy hit here in Staten Island the suffering that SO many people went through and are still going through was just horrifying. I was so proud of my hometown, we took care of our own, FEMA yea ok what a joke. It was the people who came together and went down there to feed ,cloth ,and shelter people, I have never seen a community come together and take care of people. It was an amazing experience for me.

I would like to give people the benefit of the doubt and I learned there is always 2 sides to a story, but when dealing with me personally I am very cautious of anyone.

If my kids were still little and I had to work and had to trust someone to take care of them, there would be camera's all over my house, you can't trust anyone with your kids, unless you know them like your mom or dad or family member you have known all your life.

I wish the old me was here now , but I have been hurt so deeply by someone that it just changed me and does make me leery of anyone, it sucks , but that is the truth for me..

 

[Piper84]

Interesting question! I tend to wait more these days before passing judgement and give people the benefit of the doubt while being cautious.

DH is a very good reader of people's characters, sometimes scarily so.

I think the attitude of "everyone is out for themselves" is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I think that about everyone around me, then I will be like that too. I wouldn't like to live in a world like that, so I don't perpetuate it.

I met so many people at uni with underlying personality disorders that I tend to be more careful in that respect.

 

[Dragonfly]

I do give benefit of the doubt till I find something to not trust someone by, always have your wits about you. Having worked also in retail for years people do suck and will sink the knife in your back pretty dam fast to,. I worked in the caring field to, much the same. So people everywhere can suck big time. Hard to find trust worthy decent people. This is from my own experience to.

 

[smokey]

After spending 17 years in retail, waitressing and a company that deals with parking fines then yes I have to agree people suck untill they prove otherwise.
Its even worse after a few months back I was getting out the car and this woman looked realy lost so I asked her if she was ok and she explained she was australian and here on vacation for three more days and had her handbag stollen and was asking about embassy type thing nearby.
She had a address for it that was no where nearby and a police report number and said she had no money for petrol to get to the place or her hotel, she had a baby with her as well.
After about 20 mins chatting to her we offered some money for petrol to get back to the hotel to be able to feed her baby and she would post us the money.
Never heard from her again but did see her a few weeks later shoping in tescos that was next to the area we first saw her with a group of friends, couldnt be bothered to go and ask her about the money just put it down to a leason learnt.
Normaly dont get suckered into that kind of thing but I think she played on the fact I had a young child with me so would feel sorry for someone else with a child.

 

[robinator]

Dragonfly and Smokey - I thought it was just my DH being pessimistic (as I had no experiences like him). Thanks for your posts, helps me understand his viewpoint a bit more.

I still don't think all people suck, though. Fortunately, DH is starting to be a little more open, but it's taken some time and positive experiences. But you can see the change in him if we go somewhere like a grocery store or Costco; he stiffens up a bit and is on his guard - also a lot more short tempered.

 

[overcomer79]

I've been way too trusting of people in the past and have been badly burned more than once. I think that's why I listen to instincts now; I wish I had then.

If I have a strong instinct saying "ooo not good" then I will trust it but I rarely get that. I really do think most people have good intentions and that has been my experience so far (with the odd exception).

I have great intuition about people! I keep them at a distance while I'm getting to know them then I have time to make my judgement. I try not to go around with the "people suck" attitude because I have had so much discrimination due to my albinism that I know how bad it hurts when people make an opinion before they even know you. It doesn't mean you have to go out and spend your bank account on them or anything but you know....I guess me being hurt so much has caused me to be the way I am... guarded but can be swayed (not easily

 

[Dragonfly]

I only decide some peolpe suck after they stab me in the back. I dont give a title unless they deserve it. I have had in retail things set up against me, stuff I had to go to tribunals and won for. In other jobs I had had staff that clearly shouldnt be in the job or caring for people mistreating patients and being general assholes. In other retails customers taken off me by members of staff so they could get the commission. I must add its not the general public its poeple I worked with.

 

[Bevziibubble]

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt where I can. I like to think I'm pretty good at reading people and picking up on emotions and when they're lying. But I agree that working in sectors where you're working with the public does make you realise how much some people suck!

 

[Hunbun]

I would like to be someone who gives people the benifit of the doubt, but I'm not.

My first thought would be on the side of people suck. I am trying to change that though as it is quite a negitive out look on life and quite often I am proven wrong. Obviously just not enough to make me think otherwise.