BFF tension - opposite parenting styles

[Palestrina]

My BFF had a baby a few months ago. I'm so happy for her and I love my new little niece! She has been a friend for over 20yrs, we're super close, she was in my wedding, she threw parties and showers for me, and came and babysat for me numerous times.

So when she was pregnant I was super excited because I thought I'd finally be able to be a good friend to her too! I offered my help in the baby shower but she didn't want me involved, she preferred her SIL to throw her shower even though they aren't even close. I lent her all my books and answered every question she had about breast feeding. She didn't seem that interested.

Now we seem really different, mainly because I was a natural/attachment parent and she is extremely weary of all the things I did (BF, cosleeping, babywearing, BLW) so I'm feeling very rejected suddenly. And she's gotten very close to another friend of hers that she wasn't close with before simply because they share a similar parenting style (FF, purees at 4months, scoff at babywearing and attachment parenting). I don't have any criticism about her parenting choices, only that we seem so distant now and she doesn't seem to need me much. It's very strange because she asks me for advice and then completely ignores it which is fine but I can't say that it feels good, just being honest. She used to tell me what an amazing mommy I am but now doesn't agree with anything I do.

I hope we get past this because we have been BFF for years. Has anyone else gone through something like this with friends before?

 

[Shadowy Lady]

I haven't gone through that exactly but I have learned that having a baby changes some ppl, or the opposit, you have a baby and all of the sudden ppl around you change. I found that some of my single friends pretty much abandonned me after I had a baby. I used to be hurt by it (so I totally understand you) but I became closer to other friends and made new ones

In your situation, I would talk to your friend. If she's as close as you say she is, I'm sure you can schedule for coffee/lunch and tell her that her recent behaviour is making you feel rejected. Maybe she doesn't know how you feel. I honestly don't believe different parenting styles should divide friends and so that shouldn't be the excuse.

If you talk to her and the issue presist, I would just leave things as they are and focus on your family and other friends. Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime

 

[jd83]

I agree with Shadowy Lady. I'd try to talk to her and let her know you are feeling hurt and rejected that she is leaving you out so much. Since you have such a long standing friendship, she should hopefully be willing to work on trying to include you more. I can also see why its easy to grow more close to those who parent similarly. It may not be intentional, just a matter of finding common ground with others who have a similar style to her own. That doesn't mean your friendship has to end! Although, I would be prepared for the friendship to change, even after talking with her. Parenting and having kids DOES change people, which can be really heartbreaking for longstanding friendships. Things may never be like they were before if she really feels that differently from how you parent. But hopefully once you talk with her, you guys can find some common ground once again and try harder to get together.

 

[bookreader]

I have a similar type thing with one of my friends.
I too, practice what they call attachment parenting. I co-sleep, babywear etc and we have never had any sort of routine. This works for us.

My friend is very routine and quite firm with her LO, which works for them. This is all great, apart from she continuously talks about things her child does 'good' that my child maybe doesn't, such as sleep well.
And that this is all due to her and the way she parents, making out my child's bits where he struggles are ultimately my fault.

I am very comfortable with my parenting, but this, and her passive aggressiveness have me ready to start dwindling her out of my life.

Just letting you know you aren't alone. I often think with my friend, it is her insecurities.

 

[Palestrina]

I am very comfortable with my parenting, but this, and her passive aggressiveness have me ready to start dwindling her out of my life.

Just letting you know you aren't alone. I often think with my friend, it is her insecurities.

Thanks! It's so try what you say about passive aggressiveness. I often say that when we become parents our parenting style becomes like our religion. And just as you don't discuss politics and money, one should avoid discussion parenting style. But we all know that when it comes to our kids it's difficult to disassociate ourselves from our role in how they turn out.

My husband and I pinch ourselves sometimes wondering how we ended up with such an awesome kid who hardly ever tantrums, eats all his veggies, and cleans the house. He barely ever cries even, if you tell him to stop doing something or not touch something he's like "ok sure" and goes on to other things. He never takes things from other kids or seems to get into many scuffles so we're always wondering, where did this kid come from, another planet?? When people compliment me on my son I always tell them that I cannot take credit for how he's turned out. But secretly I'm full of pride of course and I'm especially proud of how hard I worked to establish breast feeding. Boy that was a long time ago

 

[seoj]

Parenting can be a touchy subject tbh. My bestie was a mom for YEARS before I had my first LO. I had my SD- but she was 9yrs when I became her full time parent, so I dind't go through the baby stage with her.

It's too bad you feel less close- especially now, when you should feel even closer. I am guessing though- that this is all so new and overwhelming for your friend- that she is clinging to someone who does things similar. And, in time, she'll relax more and all will smooth out. I had some issues when my LO was first born too- I was a bit particular about certain things- and I do think that 2nd time parents, or people that have been parents for longer are more relaxed (to some extent) if that makes any sense? Plus, I do parent differently than most of my friends- not good or bad- we are all amazing parents and doing what is best for us and our LO's - no one else can tell you what that is. But, there are certain subjects I just don't really bring up- or, keep my input very generic. As to not offend someone unintentionally- which has happened.

You have been friends for SO long hun- my bestie and I are going on 15yrs. We have certainly had our moments- and times we didn't see eye to eye- but we always work through it in time (even if we just agree to disagree)- we are different people. But together, we make sense. I'm sure you and your bestie are similar- and thus, you will parent differently. That's Ok- like you said. Maybe it's just something SHE needs to learn to be Ok with... and she will, in time.

I'm not trying to tell you how to feel- but when you give advise. It's just that. Advise. I know I've given my bestie (or other friends) advise before when asked, and they didn't take it... I just figure that is there bad Trust me- try giving advise to a 16yr old girl! They rarely take it till it's too late and that is when they discover YOU were right It's frustrating at times for sure- but, in the end- all you can do is advise when asked, and try not to take it personally when they ignore. Hope that made sense? I just know it's frustrates me to no end when people don't see things MY way (I know right?)- but I just take a breathe and remember I cannot control them. Only me. And they will do what they feel is best for them... just like I would do the same.

Hopefully things are sorted soon hun- if it continues, maybe just tell her how you feel-- no blame, just an honest conversation and go from there

 

[sandilion]

I know exactly what you're going through, yet my friend I have only known for 5 years - but still the same thing happened... I had DS after she had her DS, but she was a FF from the beginning, non baby wearer, she suffered PND due to not being happy with her birthing experience and it effected her for many months. Once I had my DS, and I BF - we became so so distant. I tried to reach out to her many times, but she'd always be so anxious around me. We would set up a date to catch up and in the end she'd just not turn up and it used to really upset me. She always had a big issue when i had to BF DS, and she's make a lot of snide remarks about breast is not best etc.

I pretty much just gave up on her after a while. I stayed civil on facebook etc .. but i didn't bother to invest anymore energy into her or the situation as it was becoming so upsetting.

But now all of a sudden she has reached out to me again ... because she is pregnant with #2 and has decided this time round she wants to give BF a good hard go. So she is wanting my support with that and we're back to having a lovely time together now.

Im afraid to say i don't believe her and I would have ever become friends again if it wasn't for her falling pregnant and decided sh wants to BF. It was such a big deal to her before that she FF and I feel it came down to her really regretting it, so being around someone like me only made her feel even worse.

I don't think there is much you can do about your friend .... it sounds like she feels inferior of your parenting choices, even though they aren't right for her - if she was comfortable with her decisions then she wouldn't behave that way. Im afraid there's not much you can do, it will be up to her to deal with this and come around - but we all know how closed minded women can get when they are feeling threatened or intimidated. Its basically a no win situation if you try to sort it out with her as no doubt if you try to talk about parenting with her she will just view it as you're being judgmental of her choices and condescending. Even if you aren't!

 

[Palestrina]

I don't think there is much you can do about your friend .... it sounds like she feels inferior of your parenting choices, even though they aren't right for her - if she was comfortable with her decisions then she wouldn't behave that way. Im afraid there's not much you can do, it will be up to her to deal with this and come around - but we all know how closed minded women can get when they are feeling threatened or intimidated. Its basically a no win situation if you try to sort it out with her as no doubt if you try to talk about parenting with her she will just view it as you're being judgmental of her choices and condescending. Even if you aren't!

I don't know if she feels inferior, I don't get that sense. I think maybe she things I'm over the top about certain things. Like she was really concerned that her baby wasn't latching well and so I directed her to a lactation specialist that I knew, and helped her find her nearest La Leche League where they can address this issue better than I could. She refused both. Then she was concerned that she wasn't making enough milk. I suggested she breasfeed at night as well and her response was "oh no, my parents are taking the night shifts" and so I suggested she tried feeding more often and she refused to let go of her feeding schedule (every 3 hrs). I tried to warn her against topping off baby with formula and she refused that as well but then couldn't figure out why BF wasn't working. It's hard to explain breastfeeding when the other person doesn't think that they can do anything about it. She was also feeling a bit punished that she was unable to drink while breastfeeding and really wanted to get back to that.

It's difficult not to clash over these differences.

 

[ktod]

I hope you don't take my post the wrong way ...but you obviously don't agree with her choices from your OP (re purées etc etc) maybe she knows that and it's causing a distance.

It's not wrong to disagree with her choices, but motherhood just seems to be filled with all this crazy paranoia and judgement (like how BF/FF debates blow up) I think everyone overthinks everything and gets offended.

Your styles are different and I think that can be dividing. Hopefully as your children get older it might get better.

 

[Boo44]

I agree with ktod. I think this thread is running a fine line between BF vs FF. Why is it that she must feel 'inferior' or be lacking in self confidence just because she isn't practicing attachment parenting? (I know it was not you that said some of that, just some of the responses to your post). BF clearly wasn't right for her, if she had really wanted to do it she would have taken your advice. Doesn't mean she doesn't think it was great for you or your son!

Sounds like you have been a good friend but sometimes parenting does just change us. I really hope you can find some common ground x

 

[Palestrina]

I hope you don't take my post the wrong way ...but you obviously don't agree with her choices from your OP (re purées etc etc) maybe she knows that and it's causing a distance.

No, I don't disagree with her choices. But it is difficult to have common ground with someone who does things differently, that's just normal and I do hope we can look past it - but that's what it is, we have to essentially ignore it, we have to avoid talking about it because it does cause tension. Which just means we've grown apart and maybe that will last a while or maybe we'll get past it. No matter how much one tries not to judge anyone, being asked for advice and then doing the opposite does take a toll in some way. I don't think she feels inferior to me at ALL!! She's not the type to care about pleasing people or doubting her choices. She's an extremely strong and independent person and I love her for that.

But I am too and she loves me for that. And so when I hear her tell me that she's putting rice cereal in her baby's bottle and making little holes in the nipple to make it bigger, it takes every ounce of strength in me not to react.

 

[flamingpanda]

I hope you don't take my post the wrong way ...but you obviously don't agree with her choices from your OP (re purées etc etc) maybe she knows that and it's causing a distance.

It's not wrong to disagree with her choices, but motherhood just seems to be filled with all this crazy paranoia and judgement (like how BF/FF debates blow up) I think everyone overthinks everything and gets offended.

Your styles are different and I think that can be dividing. Hopefully as your children get older it might get better.

This is how I read it as well.

The baby stage is so short, I think it would be a shame to lose a good friend over decisions that are such a small part of your children's upbringing.

 

[jd83]

I hope you don't take my post the wrong way ...but you obviously don't agree with her choices from your OP (re purées etc etc) maybe she knows that and it's causing a distance.It's not wrong to disagree with her choices, but motherhood just seems to be filled with all this crazy paranoia and judgement (like how BF/FF debates blow up) I think everyone overthinks everything and gets offended.

Your styles are different and I think that can be dividing. Hopefully as your children get older it might get better.

i don't know, that's not what I got from the original post. I didn't see it as her disagreeing with or judging her friend's choice to parent differently, just that perhaps those differences in their parenting choices happened to be what was causing them to grow apart. Which in all honesty, happens, during the baby phase. Even if you aren't being judgemental about differences, parenting differently will still cause you to grow apart somewhat if the other friend is seeking common ground with others who parent the same as her

I'd just try to stick to neutral topics for now. Stick to more general topics, or focus on the kids playing, etc. The baby time is short, and once they get a bit older those differences relaly don't matter much. I'm sure you'll find a lot more common ground again as your kids get older.

 

[staralfur]

I don't know, one of my best friends parents very differently than I do and it's not a source of tension at all. We see each other with our kids often and discuss parenting topics and just sort of agree to disagree on those that we differ on. If it's causing tension then I would assume there's a bit of judgment on someone's part. I don't want to come out and say it's the OP, because I have no idea.

Actually, I just went back and read the original post again and it sounds like it's the friend that is passing judgment. Honestly, how you feed your baby or where they sleep has nothing to do with anything. How often does that even come up? If her feelings on these topics are so strong that she feels the need to seek out friends who don't breastfeed, then I don't think there's much you can do on your end.

As the other PPs have said, the baby stage is short and I would just hope that your differences don't continue to cause tension as your kids get older.

 

[babyblog]

See, I don't think parenting styles need to come into friendships. As long as everyone is happy doing what they do and don't preach to each other then it shouldn't ( hopefully) be a problem. Also going out without children could help, as it's hard to have a proper conversation with constantly interrupting children! If she's a good friend she will still be there in a few years time when you both a bit more time for you - kids at school and it won't need to be all about babies any more

 

[Palestrina]

I hope you don't take my post the wrong way ...but you obviously don't agree with her choices from your OP (re purées etc etc) maybe she knows that and it's causing a distance.It's not wrong to disagree with her choices, but motherhood just seems to be filled with all this crazy paranoia and judgement (like how BF/FF debates blow up) I think everyone overthinks everything and gets offended.

Your styles are different and I think that can be dividing. Hopefully as your children get older it might get better.

i don't know, that's not what I got from the original post. I didn't see it as her disagreeing with or judging her friend's choice to parent differently, just that perhaps those differences in their parenting choices happened to be what was causing them to grow apart. Which in all honesty, happens, during the baby phase. Even if you aren't being judgemental about differences, parenting differently will still cause you to grow apart somewhat if the other friend is seeking common ground with others who parent the same as her

I'd just try to stick to neutral topics for now. Stick to more general topics, or focus on the kids playing, etc. The baby time is short, and once they get a bit older those differences relaly don't matter much. I'm sure you'll find a lot more common ground again as your kids get older.

Thanks, you've hit the nail on the head. Neutral topics will get easier as the kiddos get older. She's a new mommy and we all know how consuming that can be, it's the only thing we talk about right now. It's not possible to go out very much, we've only gone out once for a drink together without babes in the past 4months. But I visit her often cause I want to see my little niece (we call eachother's kids nephew/niece because we feel like sisters). Things will get easier as we go along, this is definitely something we're NOT going to lose our friendship over, that's not a possibility considering how close we are. We're just entering a new phase in our friendship.