mummy2be77
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Toby Francis was born Weds 21 April 2010 at 09.37 weighing 7lb 5oz
Apologies if this is a long story – it was a long process!
It was worth it though – I am sitting here in a rocking chair, writing by a rechargeable Imageo candle in a little notebook, and it’s 4am. I’m feeding Toby and he’s a bit fractious so I can’t doze – good time to gather my thoughts.
So, my due date was 5th April 2010.
At my 41 week checkup, still no sign – so I was booked for induction on Saturday 17th April at 7pm by the midwife in my doctors surgery.
Myself and my husband arrived at the Hospital at 7pm as arranged, only to be told shift handover was at 8pm, and they never wanted anyone before 8.30pm so could we go home again or something.
So we drove to the beach and had a lovely stroll along the seafront to ease my anxiety, it was hazy sunshine and quiet. Possibly our last walk alone we thought!
We went back at 8.30pm and got all our bags brought up to the Bramber Ward. Then it was a long wait before we were seen
At 10pm, I was examined and found not even to have effaced, still had approx 2cm length and tightly closed cervix.
The midwife said chances weren’t great but we’d try anyway with the hormone pessary.
She massaged my cervix (bit uncomfortable – like a smear test) then inserted the pessary and I had to lie on my left side for ½ an hour.
Contractions began almost immediately – here we go! I thought We’ll have a baby before the end of the weekend!
The contractions slowly built and my husband helped me to breathe and get comfortable using chairs, birth balls etc and massaged my back. They were only as bad as a nagging toothache at this stage, quite bearable.
Unfortunately, as I was on Bramber Ward with mothers and babies, my OH was not allowed to stay past midnight and had to go home.
“It’s OK” the midwife said “We’ll call you as soon as we transfer her to the Delivery Suite – could take all night to get to that stage so go home and get some sleep.”
I was upset and cross to be left all on my own.
I cried a bit when he’d gone.
Then I got the midwife to set up my TENS as it was getting a little bit stronger and I thought then I’d be in control for the rest of the night.
I found it comfortable to sit the wrong way round on a chair with a pillow in front of me and my book open on the bed, and I read for a couple of hours, gradually turning up the TENS and keeping myself distracted and calm.
But then I made the mistake of dozing off – I woke at 4am and everything had stopped.
I got into bed thinking maybe my body was still effacing anyway and that I’d be bound to be woken by my waters breaking.
But it was not to be.
Sunday
Woke at 7am for baby monitoring, blood pressure, pulse to be taken – all normal so that was good.
Had some breakfast then OH arrived about 9am.
The midwife said we’d try again but we had to wait for awhile.
A boring wait ensued with no entertainment (the TV internet thing over my bed was broken – I spent some time in hospital before Christmas and the one then was broken too) OH and I didn’t know quite what to do with ourselves. He popped out and bought a paper and a magazine for me and got himself some lunch.
At 12pm the midwife came and examined me again and said I had effaced a little but was still tightly shut.
I was disheartened at the news, almost cried again.
But, she said, 2nd time will be a winner – you had a strong response last time, your body will know what to do now!
She inserted the pessary as before and I was told to lie still – then lunch arrived and OH was still out – I tried my best to eat only slightly raised on one elbow as I was so hungry!
On thinking back – I don’t think I lay down long enough.
Anyway, OH returned and we waited. And waited. We walked around the hospital, up and down stairs, along all the corridors, around the outside of the hospital.
But not one contraction followed.
I sobbed and cried again for an hour after my examination.
“We’ll have to wait 24 hours now til the next one” said the midwife.
So OH went home.
Luckily he had brought my portable DVD player. I know you’re told not to bring expensive things into hospital but it’s an intercom entry ward so I felt quite safe against theft – besides, I was willing to take the risk for the relief it gave to waiting and to stop me thinking about things and to keep me calm.
I watched three of my favourite DVDs back to back. Couldn’t sleep.
Feeling tightly wound and emotionally exhausted.
The lady opposite me was snoring loudly and at that point I could have happily strangled her.
I paced the corridors to escape her and pulled a chair outside the loo outside the ward and sat on it, leaned against the wall.
Somehow the night passed.
Monday
By now it was Monday and OH had to go back to work (no paid paternity leave for teachers)
I had a shower and noticed a plop – a partially dissolved pessary fell out and into the shower tray – that’s why it didn’t work!
There were all crumbly bits everywhere in me so I went and had a soothing bath and rinsed everything out (no bubbles!)
Luckily my parents are retired and they came to visit and sat and chatted with me for a couple of hours to relieve the boredom and take my mind off the wait.
Then as they left my sister-in-law (who had three inductions with hers using Syntocinon at Brighton General) came to visit – I met her in the cafe downstairs for a hot chocolate and a chat.
Had to get back up to the Ward by 12pm as they said that’s when they’d have a third attempt.
My sister in law came up for moral support, and was chuffed to hear baby’s heartbeat on the monitor! She had to go and pick up her kids from school before they came to do the pessary.
Then I was left to my own devices.
My OH had a free that afternoon, and rather than marking coursework or doing reports which he really needed to get done, he came back to see me at 2.30pm.
Shortly after that was when they came and inserted the pessary. I was told I had effaced now and there was just a tiny opening in my cervix but not enough to break my waters.
This time I stayed laying down for 45 minutes and it started pretty much immediately.
I began to get my hopes up again.
We decided as it was day we couldn’t risk sitting still and it stopping – we wouldn’t rest or sleep until it happened – we were determined!
So we walked to the Pier, through the shops (past Mothercare – not really in the mood for shopping for baby clothes though) and into WHSmith.
Got some more papers and magazines – pain getting worse now – I had to lean against the wall in the shop and close my eyes – got some funny looks!
Went down to the beach and along to look at the sea in the Sunshine – walking on the pebbles seemed to ramp things up a notch! Particularly up the incline after going down to the sea!
Getting painful now – we decided I needed my strength and something other than the dire hospital food, so we went o ASK! For an early dinner – pasta for me!
Got even more odd looks from the waitress who had noticed my red hospital wristband, and the fact that every ten minutes through my pasta I would stop, sometimes with fork halfway to mouth, and close my eyes and breathe deeply and slowly for 90 seconds.
It was getting worse and OH was anxious to get back to hospital.
We paid up and left promptly.
It seemed a very long walk back – I was going a snails pace and stopping every few minutes to breathe through.
I felt tired but elated – now it would happen!
Got back to our cubicle on Bramber Ward and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening with my TENS machine gradually being turned up to get through the increasingly strong contractions.
We watched a DVD together, then it seemed they reached a level where they weren’t getting any worse – I seemed to be stuck!
Had an examination again – almost 1cm dilated I was told – so progress had been made, just not much. Felt like I’d gone though a lot of effort just for 1cm!
“We’ll tell you when we transfer her to Delivery Suite” OH was told again, and off home he went for another unsettled night with work tomorrow.
I was told to stay positive but I just knew it would stop again.
The snoring had started again and I pleaded with the midwife to let me go into a side room on my own – I had to have some rest!
In the end, I pleaded on behalf of the other ladies on the ward – they were both pregnant and ill with pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes – they needed their sleep, not to be disturbed by me moaning with contractions, I said.
She gave in and transferred me to room E.
I watched another DVD.
Unfortunately, it settled down again and stopped.
I slept.
Tuesday
After breakfast I was told – no more pessaries for you – today we will break your waters.
Not sure I liked the idea of this but I was now getting desperate, and my dream of a water birth with my re-chargebale Imageo candles, and ipod docking station with classical music, seemed impossible.
I agreed.
Two painful attempts failed as the membrane was pulled too tightly over baby’s head – you can still see a little scab on Toby’s head where they poked him!
I seemed to have everyone scratching their heads by now. I was told it was touch and go if I’d be given a c-section.
I really didn’t want one because of the recovery period but what could I do? I’d done everything I could to help.
They said now I would be transferred to delivery as this couldn’t go on.
My husband was called and came in.
In Delivery, I got a lovely big room to myself with a private bathroom with huge tub, TV, CD player, chairs, birth ball etc. A senior midwife came to have a go at my waters again. After some pretty painful fiddling about they suddenly went in a huge gush! What a weird feeling!
“Now you’ve got an hour to start contracting before we begin further interventions” I was told.
“Go and get active! Do lots of stairs”
Neither of us were happy to leave the hospital, plus I was in my nightie now because of the waters breaking. So we paced the hospital (again)
OH was starving so we went to the League of Friends Cafe and got him a sandwich. I popped in the loo down here and had a ‘show’ which was golfball sized and dense, dark red.
But no contractions began.
We went back to the Delivery Suite, feeling dejected. I had another little cry before we got back inside.
No choice now, I was told. It’s Syntocinon or C-section.
I cried a little for my water birth.
Then we got strapped up with TENS, baby monitor, and a drip (I had a few hysterical moments as they did the cannula as I have a needle phobia. It took two midwives to calm me down)
With all this attached I couldn’t move at all – glad I’d had a wee!
OH put on a DVD, they pulled the curtains and dipped the lights then began the drip.
Contractions started within 10 minutes and I started my TENS.
After 30 minutes they increased the does and I couldn’t concentrate on the DVD anymore.
Sat with my eyes closed breathing through – they were very close together but erratic in length and strength – the printout from the monitor looked like an earthquake seismograph! They kept returning after every ½ hour to up the dose.
It quickly got unbearable, nothing like before. You can’t imagine that level of pain, and with my health condition (Ulcerative Colitis) I have experienced pain severe enough to warrant being given morphine in hospital before.
My memory form this point onwards is, thankfully, hazy.
I was in a trance of pain, eyes closed most of the time – it was like a dream, more like a nightmare.
We tried gas and air (“Nice, big deep breaths”
I was sick immediately. “Try again with the next contraction” Sick again.
“Once more” I said and took a tiny ‘sip’ of gas followed by a couple of very shallow breaths. This time I was OK and this seemed to be enough to take the edge off the pain to the extent where I could rest a little. Maybe it’s because I don’t drink or anything like that, I don’t have much tolerance for drugs?
I kept up like this for along time – I was aware there was no light coming between the crack in the curtains – it was completely dark outside, but I didn’t care what time it was.
I vaguely then remember the midwife kneeling in front of me saying she doesn’t usually recommend this, but I was so exhausted she didn’t think I’d be making any more progress and I’d been going on like this for over 6 hours, so she thought I really ought to have an epidural and get some sleep.
I cried and said no, fearing this would automatically lead to a c-section and hating the idea of a needle in my spine – I recalled horror stories of permanent paralysis and severe headaches.
I said no, OH tried to talk to me, getting up close and said was I sure, I said yes, we’d carry on a bit longer.
Time passed.
It got worse, I fainted a few times and had to be pulled upright I think.
Kept throwing up because of the pain.
There was nothing else I could think of or be aware of.
I whispered to my OH that it was time for me to give up on my natural birth completely – I was useless and I couldn’t do it anymore. Someone else needed to take charge for me.
He organised for the epidural to be administered.
It seemed to happen quite quickly.
The lights came on full and I was laid on my side, then they changed their minds and sat me on the edge of the bed - OH was in front of me.
I used gas and air to control the contractions and to get through the local anaesthetic needle.
Then it was in place and they taped it down firmly and got me to lay back on the bed.
“Remember this next contraction” said the anaesthetist “As it will be your last full strength one”
They started the drip and then someone else came and fitted another cannula in my other arm (he botched it and upset me and got blood everywhere – not helping the phobia!) then suddenly my legs went numb but I could still move them. I was also aware of it if they were numb with drug or cut off blood from bad position, so I could keep adjusting my position a little bit.
The midwife made a bed out of yoga mats, blankets and pillows on the floor for my husband and he lay down.
She dimmed the lights and somehow I fell asleep too.
Wednesday
I became aware of the midwife next to me.
She had examined me and I hadn’t even noticed.
“Good news or bad news first?” she asked
“Good please” I said
“You are now fully dilated, but you have an anterior lip”
I was too sleepy to ask what that would mean.
“We’re ready to push” said the midwife, who boosted the epidural to it’s max.
The midwife helped me begin to push using the monitor to tell me when contractions began. It’s hard to know if you’re doing anything when you’re numb from the waist down, but I did what I was told and held my breath and bore down into my bottom. I had decided on threes and did a push, deep breath, then repeat twice each time and it seemed to fit the contraction length.
She said I was doing well, then “I can see baby’s head!”
But this kept going on. The anterior lip was holding things up.
“You’ve been pushing over 2 hours now and baby’s beginning to get distressed” said the midwife “I’m going to get some help”
Suddenly the room was full of people.
A registrar called Evangelis or something came and introduced himself.
He told me things had to progress now, we couldn’t go on like this, and it was now a choice between ventouse or c-section.
I began to cry and pleaded against a c-section – not after all this!
He said after an internal exam he would know more.
He said he was going to hold his hand inside me for the next contraction, which I pushed through as before. His face showed a lot of thoughtful concentration.
“OK, we can do this” he said “I’m doing the ventouse” he showed me the device and explained it’s use “And I’m going to make a cut called an episiotomy”
He got on with attaching and cutting and watched the monitor closely for the next contraction.
I pushed as I had before. There were two pushes, a feeling like someone sucking out my insides with a sink plunger, and Toby was born, yelling and fussing.
They checked his gases and he peed immediately over the midwives, then he was quickly brought to me for skin-to-skin where he immediately latched on firmly and began to suck.
He started up at me peacefully with his big blue eyes and I was overjoyed but exhausted.
Meanwhile everyone had gone quiet and were determined and busy sorting me out. They seemed a bit worried. OH didn’t seem as overjoyed as I thought he should and had gone ashen faced and scared looking, watching what they were doing.
They were rubbing my tummy and pushing it hard and it began to hurt – I was surprised the epidural was wearing off.
I vaguely noticed all the blood on the floor and everywhere but decided it must be normal and not to look anymore.
The midwife took Toby and we found he had pooed all over me! So they wiped it all off, took him to the side and put a nappy on him, wrapped him up and gave him to my husband.
I passed out for a bit.
When I woke, everyone had gone and OH was standing next to me holding Toby.
I went again.
Next time I came round my Mum was there and Toby was tucked up in a clear sided cot.
My OH had stepped out to call everyone, she said. (And recover from ‘the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen, it was like a horrific injury in a warzone’, as he later told me)
It was quiet now.
A lady was finishing cleaning up and putting things in red and white bin bags.
I was brought tea and toast.
By the middle of the afternoon I was transferred to Bramber Ward where I slept.
I was in until Friday evening feeling very tired and shaky and having a catheter and 3 different drips of various things.
I later found I lost nearly 2 litres of blood.
But now I’m home.
My stitches pull and hurt but I’m mobile.
I sat in the garden with Toby today and yesterday, and the day before that we went out for our first walk to the end of the road and back (felt like I’d run a marathon!) with Granny Fay who’d come to stay and help.
He’s adorable and for the first week slept about 10 hours a night with 5 x 20-30 minute feeds (I’m breastfeeding) - 8 days old at the time of writing. He’s a pickle all day though! He’s interested in everything and stares around him all the time!
Apologies if this is a long story – it was a long process!
It was worth it though – I am sitting here in a rocking chair, writing by a rechargeable Imageo candle in a little notebook, and it’s 4am. I’m feeding Toby and he’s a bit fractious so I can’t doze – good time to gather my thoughts.
So, my due date was 5th April 2010.
At my 41 week checkup, still no sign – so I was booked for induction on Saturday 17th April at 7pm by the midwife in my doctors surgery.
Myself and my husband arrived at the Hospital at 7pm as arranged, only to be told shift handover was at 8pm, and they never wanted anyone before 8.30pm so could we go home again or something.
So we drove to the beach and had a lovely stroll along the seafront to ease my anxiety, it was hazy sunshine and quiet. Possibly our last walk alone we thought!
We went back at 8.30pm and got all our bags brought up to the Bramber Ward. Then it was a long wait before we were seen
At 10pm, I was examined and found not even to have effaced, still had approx 2cm length and tightly closed cervix.
The midwife said chances weren’t great but we’d try anyway with the hormone pessary.
She massaged my cervix (bit uncomfortable – like a smear test) then inserted the pessary and I had to lie on my left side for ½ an hour.
Contractions began almost immediately – here we go! I thought We’ll have a baby before the end of the weekend!
The contractions slowly built and my husband helped me to breathe and get comfortable using chairs, birth balls etc and massaged my back. They were only as bad as a nagging toothache at this stage, quite bearable.
Unfortunately, as I was on Bramber Ward with mothers and babies, my OH was not allowed to stay past midnight and had to go home.
“It’s OK” the midwife said “We’ll call you as soon as we transfer her to the Delivery Suite – could take all night to get to that stage so go home and get some sleep.”
I was upset and cross to be left all on my own.
I cried a bit when he’d gone.
Then I got the midwife to set up my TENS as it was getting a little bit stronger and I thought then I’d be in control for the rest of the night.
I found it comfortable to sit the wrong way round on a chair with a pillow in front of me and my book open on the bed, and I read for a couple of hours, gradually turning up the TENS and keeping myself distracted and calm.
But then I made the mistake of dozing off – I woke at 4am and everything had stopped.
I got into bed thinking maybe my body was still effacing anyway and that I’d be bound to be woken by my waters breaking.
But it was not to be.
Sunday
Woke at 7am for baby monitoring, blood pressure, pulse to be taken – all normal so that was good.
Had some breakfast then OH arrived about 9am.
The midwife said we’d try again but we had to wait for awhile.
A boring wait ensued with no entertainment (the TV internet thing over my bed was broken – I spent some time in hospital before Christmas and the one then was broken too) OH and I didn’t know quite what to do with ourselves. He popped out and bought a paper and a magazine for me and got himself some lunch.
At 12pm the midwife came and examined me again and said I had effaced a little but was still tightly shut.
I was disheartened at the news, almost cried again.
But, she said, 2nd time will be a winner – you had a strong response last time, your body will know what to do now!
She inserted the pessary as before and I was told to lie still – then lunch arrived and OH was still out – I tried my best to eat only slightly raised on one elbow as I was so hungry!
On thinking back – I don’t think I lay down long enough.
Anyway, OH returned and we waited. And waited. We walked around the hospital, up and down stairs, along all the corridors, around the outside of the hospital.
But not one contraction followed.
I sobbed and cried again for an hour after my examination.
“We’ll have to wait 24 hours now til the next one” said the midwife.
So OH went home.
Luckily he had brought my portable DVD player. I know you’re told not to bring expensive things into hospital but it’s an intercom entry ward so I felt quite safe against theft – besides, I was willing to take the risk for the relief it gave to waiting and to stop me thinking about things and to keep me calm.
I watched three of my favourite DVDs back to back. Couldn’t sleep.
Feeling tightly wound and emotionally exhausted.
The lady opposite me was snoring loudly and at that point I could have happily strangled her.
I paced the corridors to escape her and pulled a chair outside the loo outside the ward and sat on it, leaned against the wall.
Somehow the night passed.
Monday
By now it was Monday and OH had to go back to work (no paid paternity leave for teachers)
I had a shower and noticed a plop – a partially dissolved pessary fell out and into the shower tray – that’s why it didn’t work!
There were all crumbly bits everywhere in me so I went and had a soothing bath and rinsed everything out (no bubbles!)
Luckily my parents are retired and they came to visit and sat and chatted with me for a couple of hours to relieve the boredom and take my mind off the wait.
Then as they left my sister-in-law (who had three inductions with hers using Syntocinon at Brighton General) came to visit – I met her in the cafe downstairs for a hot chocolate and a chat.
Had to get back up to the Ward by 12pm as they said that’s when they’d have a third attempt.
My sister in law came up for moral support, and was chuffed to hear baby’s heartbeat on the monitor! She had to go and pick up her kids from school before they came to do the pessary.
Then I was left to my own devices.
My OH had a free that afternoon, and rather than marking coursework or doing reports which he really needed to get done, he came back to see me at 2.30pm.
Shortly after that was when they came and inserted the pessary. I was told I had effaced now and there was just a tiny opening in my cervix but not enough to break my waters.
This time I stayed laying down for 45 minutes and it started pretty much immediately.
I began to get my hopes up again.
We decided as it was day we couldn’t risk sitting still and it stopping – we wouldn’t rest or sleep until it happened – we were determined!
So we walked to the Pier, through the shops (past Mothercare – not really in the mood for shopping for baby clothes though) and into WHSmith.
Got some more papers and magazines – pain getting worse now – I had to lean against the wall in the shop and close my eyes – got some funny looks!
Went down to the beach and along to look at the sea in the Sunshine – walking on the pebbles seemed to ramp things up a notch! Particularly up the incline after going down to the sea!
Getting painful now – we decided I needed my strength and something other than the dire hospital food, so we went o ASK! For an early dinner – pasta for me!
Got even more odd looks from the waitress who had noticed my red hospital wristband, and the fact that every ten minutes through my pasta I would stop, sometimes with fork halfway to mouth, and close my eyes and breathe deeply and slowly for 90 seconds.
It was getting worse and OH was anxious to get back to hospital.
We paid up and left promptly.
It seemed a very long walk back – I was going a snails pace and stopping every few minutes to breathe through.
I felt tired but elated – now it would happen!
Got back to our cubicle on Bramber Ward and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening with my TENS machine gradually being turned up to get through the increasingly strong contractions.
We watched a DVD together, then it seemed they reached a level where they weren’t getting any worse – I seemed to be stuck!
Had an examination again – almost 1cm dilated I was told – so progress had been made, just not much. Felt like I’d gone though a lot of effort just for 1cm!
“We’ll tell you when we transfer her to Delivery Suite” OH was told again, and off home he went for another unsettled night with work tomorrow.
I was told to stay positive but I just knew it would stop again.
The snoring had started again and I pleaded with the midwife to let me go into a side room on my own – I had to have some rest!
In the end, I pleaded on behalf of the other ladies on the ward – they were both pregnant and ill with pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes – they needed their sleep, not to be disturbed by me moaning with contractions, I said.
She gave in and transferred me to room E.
I watched another DVD.
Unfortunately, it settled down again and stopped.
I slept.
Tuesday
After breakfast I was told – no more pessaries for you – today we will break your waters.
Not sure I liked the idea of this but I was now getting desperate, and my dream of a water birth with my re-chargebale Imageo candles, and ipod docking station with classical music, seemed impossible.
I agreed.
Two painful attempts failed as the membrane was pulled too tightly over baby’s head – you can still see a little scab on Toby’s head where they poked him!
I seemed to have everyone scratching their heads by now. I was told it was touch and go if I’d be given a c-section.
I really didn’t want one because of the recovery period but what could I do? I’d done everything I could to help.
They said now I would be transferred to delivery as this couldn’t go on.
My husband was called and came in.
In Delivery, I got a lovely big room to myself with a private bathroom with huge tub, TV, CD player, chairs, birth ball etc. A senior midwife came to have a go at my waters again. After some pretty painful fiddling about they suddenly went in a huge gush! What a weird feeling!
“Now you’ve got an hour to start contracting before we begin further interventions” I was told.
“Go and get active! Do lots of stairs”
Neither of us were happy to leave the hospital, plus I was in my nightie now because of the waters breaking. So we paced the hospital (again)
OH was starving so we went to the League of Friends Cafe and got him a sandwich. I popped in the loo down here and had a ‘show’ which was golfball sized and dense, dark red.
But no contractions began.
We went back to the Delivery Suite, feeling dejected. I had another little cry before we got back inside.
No choice now, I was told. It’s Syntocinon or C-section.
I cried a little for my water birth.
Then we got strapped up with TENS, baby monitor, and a drip (I had a few hysterical moments as they did the cannula as I have a needle phobia. It took two midwives to calm me down)
With all this attached I couldn’t move at all – glad I’d had a wee!
OH put on a DVD, they pulled the curtains and dipped the lights then began the drip.
Contractions started within 10 minutes and I started my TENS.
After 30 minutes they increased the does and I couldn’t concentrate on the DVD anymore.
Sat with my eyes closed breathing through – they were very close together but erratic in length and strength – the printout from the monitor looked like an earthquake seismograph! They kept returning after every ½ hour to up the dose.
It quickly got unbearable, nothing like before. You can’t imagine that level of pain, and with my health condition (Ulcerative Colitis) I have experienced pain severe enough to warrant being given morphine in hospital before.
My memory form this point onwards is, thankfully, hazy.
I was in a trance of pain, eyes closed most of the time – it was like a dream, more like a nightmare.
We tried gas and air (“Nice, big deep breaths”
I was sick immediately. “Try again with the next contraction” Sick again.“Once more” I said and took a tiny ‘sip’ of gas followed by a couple of very shallow breaths. This time I was OK and this seemed to be enough to take the edge off the pain to the extent where I could rest a little. Maybe it’s because I don’t drink or anything like that, I don’t have much tolerance for drugs?
I kept up like this for along time – I was aware there was no light coming between the crack in the curtains – it was completely dark outside, but I didn’t care what time it was.
I vaguely then remember the midwife kneeling in front of me saying she doesn’t usually recommend this, but I was so exhausted she didn’t think I’d be making any more progress and I’d been going on like this for over 6 hours, so she thought I really ought to have an epidural and get some sleep.
I cried and said no, fearing this would automatically lead to a c-section and hating the idea of a needle in my spine – I recalled horror stories of permanent paralysis and severe headaches.
I said no, OH tried to talk to me, getting up close and said was I sure, I said yes, we’d carry on a bit longer.
Time passed.
It got worse, I fainted a few times and had to be pulled upright I think.
Kept throwing up because of the pain.
There was nothing else I could think of or be aware of.
I whispered to my OH that it was time for me to give up on my natural birth completely – I was useless and I couldn’t do it anymore. Someone else needed to take charge for me.
He organised for the epidural to be administered.
It seemed to happen quite quickly.
The lights came on full and I was laid on my side, then they changed their minds and sat me on the edge of the bed - OH was in front of me.
I used gas and air to control the contractions and to get through the local anaesthetic needle.
Then it was in place and they taped it down firmly and got me to lay back on the bed.
“Remember this next contraction” said the anaesthetist “As it will be your last full strength one”
They started the drip and then someone else came and fitted another cannula in my other arm (he botched it and upset me and got blood everywhere – not helping the phobia!) then suddenly my legs went numb but I could still move them. I was also aware of it if they were numb with drug or cut off blood from bad position, so I could keep adjusting my position a little bit.
The midwife made a bed out of yoga mats, blankets and pillows on the floor for my husband and he lay down.
She dimmed the lights and somehow I fell asleep too.
Wednesday
I became aware of the midwife next to me.
She had examined me and I hadn’t even noticed.
“Good news or bad news first?” she asked
“Good please” I said
“You are now fully dilated, but you have an anterior lip”
I was too sleepy to ask what that would mean.
“We’re ready to push” said the midwife, who boosted the epidural to it’s max.
The midwife helped me begin to push using the monitor to tell me when contractions began. It’s hard to know if you’re doing anything when you’re numb from the waist down, but I did what I was told and held my breath and bore down into my bottom. I had decided on threes and did a push, deep breath, then repeat twice each time and it seemed to fit the contraction length.
She said I was doing well, then “I can see baby’s head!”
But this kept going on. The anterior lip was holding things up.
“You’ve been pushing over 2 hours now and baby’s beginning to get distressed” said the midwife “I’m going to get some help”
Suddenly the room was full of people.
A registrar called Evangelis or something came and introduced himself.
He told me things had to progress now, we couldn’t go on like this, and it was now a choice between ventouse or c-section.
I began to cry and pleaded against a c-section – not after all this!
He said after an internal exam he would know more.
He said he was going to hold his hand inside me for the next contraction, which I pushed through as before. His face showed a lot of thoughtful concentration.
“OK, we can do this” he said “I’m doing the ventouse” he showed me the device and explained it’s use “And I’m going to make a cut called an episiotomy”
He got on with attaching and cutting and watched the monitor closely for the next contraction.
I pushed as I had before. There were two pushes, a feeling like someone sucking out my insides with a sink plunger, and Toby was born, yelling and fussing.
They checked his gases and he peed immediately over the midwives, then he was quickly brought to me for skin-to-skin where he immediately latched on firmly and began to suck.
He started up at me peacefully with his big blue eyes and I was overjoyed but exhausted.
Meanwhile everyone had gone quiet and were determined and busy sorting me out. They seemed a bit worried. OH didn’t seem as overjoyed as I thought he should and had gone ashen faced and scared looking, watching what they were doing.
They were rubbing my tummy and pushing it hard and it began to hurt – I was surprised the epidural was wearing off.
I vaguely noticed all the blood on the floor and everywhere but decided it must be normal and not to look anymore.
The midwife took Toby and we found he had pooed all over me! So they wiped it all off, took him to the side and put a nappy on him, wrapped him up and gave him to my husband.
I passed out for a bit.
When I woke, everyone had gone and OH was standing next to me holding Toby.
I went again.
Next time I came round my Mum was there and Toby was tucked up in a clear sided cot.
My OH had stepped out to call everyone, she said. (And recover from ‘the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen, it was like a horrific injury in a warzone’, as he later told me)
It was quiet now.
A lady was finishing cleaning up and putting things in red and white bin bags.
I was brought tea and toast.
By the middle of the afternoon I was transferred to Bramber Ward where I slept.
I was in until Friday evening feeling very tired and shaky and having a catheter and 3 different drips of various things.
I later found I lost nearly 2 litres of blood.
But now I’m home.
My stitches pull and hurt but I’m mobile.
I sat in the garden with Toby today and yesterday, and the day before that we went out for our first walk to the end of the road and back (felt like I’d run a marathon!) with Granny Fay who’d come to stay and help.
He’s adorable and for the first week slept about 10 hours a night with 5 x 20-30 minute feeds (I’m breastfeeding) - 8 days old at the time of writing. He’s a pickle all day though! He’s interested in everything and stares around him all the time!
Congratulations on the birth of your gorgeous little boy, you must be so proud! xx
