rocketb
Elise's Mommy
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2010
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Yes, its a novel. I like writing too much. *sigh*
I have some guilt issues with Elises labor that I really hope dont develop into some form of Baby Blues. Ive told DH about them and he keeps telling me that shes here, safe and sound. The how doesnt matter now. But Ive still had a couple of crying jags already over these feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
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For months, DH and I had been hoping for our little yellow bundle to arrive before her due date. We wanted some breathing space to get to know our baby before relatives from all over the country started arriving for Christmas and Hanukkah.
Wed pretty much given up hope of that when we hit 39 weeks on Sunday, December 4. The internal exams at the OBGYN were not encouraging. Id been at 1cm for a couple of weeks and baby was still very high. I hadnt had a whiff of a contraction at that point, not even much in the way of Braxton Hicks.
I went to work as usual on Monday morning and had to field lots of How are you feeling? questions with Too good to give birth any time soon.
Around midday, I started noticing slight menstrual-type cramps. Nothing big or particularly bothersome and very far apart time-wise. That evening I tried timing them and got anything from fifteen minutes to half an hour apart. Lying in bed on Tuesday morning, I still felt the cramps and finally mentioned them to DH. He agreed that it probably wouldnt be a good idea to risk going into labor at work. I emailed my coworkers and told them that I was done with going in, but they were welcome to email or call with questions.
I spent Tuesday feeling slightly guilty for staying home. I tried to keep busy - organized the messy linen closet, stuffed my stash of freshly washed pocket diapers with newborn inserts, and did some straightening in the nursery. I dont think I was nesting, just wanted to show DH that I hadnt been sitting on the couch all day. I occasionally attempted to time the menstrual-style cramps and still found them lacking regularity.
We had our weekly OBGYN appointment scheduled for 9:40 AM on Wednesday morning, Dec 7, at 37w3d. Around 6 AM, I used the bathroom and noticed that contractions were continuing. I tried timing them again and found theyd settled in to a pattern about 7 minutes apart. I was excited! I had a small breakfast of peanut butter and jelly on toast with decaf coffee and drove the 10 minutes over to meet DH at the doctors office.
I thought it a little odd that the nurse-tech took my blood pressure from both arms that morning, but just assumed that Id moved somehow and the machine had failed on the first side. The doctor came in, did her exam, and said Well, youre still at 1cm, but your blood pressure was very high so Im sending you over to the hospital for monitoring. Head over to Triage on the third floor. And dont eat anything before you go.
She left the exam room. DH and I looked at each other. We immediately went to disobey. We quickly drove home and consolidated cars. I put the finishing touches on my hospital bag and the babys bag while DH finally got around to packing his bag (in a slight panic). DH had a quick lunch and put all the bags and the carseat into the trunk of his car. He drove us back to the hospital (across the street from the OBGYNs office). Taking only my bag from the car, we checked in and got put in a room. A nurse came by to take some blood, strap on external baby/contraction monitors, and put me on an automatic machine set to check my BP every few minutes.
At around 1 PM, my doctor stepped into the room and told us that my BP was back at acceptable levels, but all over the place. Rather than risk development of preeclampsia, she wanted to go ahead and admit me to Labor and Delivery and start Pitocin. With wide eyes, I nodded.
--------
This is my first guilt issue. Sure, I had one instance of high blood pressure, but it was basically a straight induction. If my desire for a natural labor had been enough to overcome my desire for baby to come before her due date, I would have asked to delay and maybe come in for daily monitoring.
--------
I was admitted to a big private room in L&D around 1 PM and the Pitocin drip started at 2:30. The initial internal exam by the nurse found me at 2cm which means that the mild contractions Id been having on my own since Monday had actually been somewhat productive.
Anesthesia came in fairly soon after the drip started to go over drug options. I told them I wasnt sure that I wanted an epidural. I wanted to see if I could do without, maybe with just injectables. The tech nodded and continued to go through his spiel anyway.
My cramps on Pitocin immediately started getting closer together. I had a baby heart monitor and contraction monitor strapped on to make sure that baby was ok and that I got credit for my contractions. The rates and intensity seen on the monitor strip determined when they increased and decreased the drip. From that point I was stuck in the bed, on the monitors at all time. After several hours, I was no longer able to just read through the contractions. I held DHs hand and practiced my Lamaze breathing, focusing on slowly breathing in and out. Somewhere in here, Anesthesia came back and asked again if I wanted an epi yet, reminding me that it would take at least half an hour to get set up and a little more time after that to kick in. My nurse at the time (they basically stayed with us in the room the entire time) reminded me that the contractions were only going to get worse and If I wanted it, there was no point in delaying.
-------
Heres my second guilt issue. At this point Id decided that I wanted the epidural eventually, but I also wanted to wait until I was in fairly established labor, around 5 cm perhaps? Id read a lot about early epidurals slowing down contractions and leading to more interventions. The nurse said that on Pitocin, there was no need to delay. My contractions were not going to stop no matter what.
I let myself be convinced. I said yes.
DH later admitted that he was relieved that Id gone for it then. His stress level over my emotional state while coping went down dramatically and hed been secretly worried about me having to be put under general anesthesia in the event of an emergency section, making both of us miss Babys birth.
--------
During the half hour before anesthesia was due to come to put it in, my doctor stopped by to check up on me. It was about 5:30 PM and she was headed home for the day. She did an exam and exclaimed Oh, youre at 4cm! Lets go ahead and break your waters. I was still digesting that when I felt a huge gush spreading over the bed beneath me.
Instantly, the contractions that were just on the edge of manageable became ten times worse than the worst menstrual cramps Id ever had. I struggled to handle the pain. The tech finally came and the nurse hugged me to keep me still while the epi was put in. The pain from my uterus completely overpowered any discomfort from the epidural insertion. A few contractions later, the cramps faded completely away. All I felt was downward pressure every few minutes.
The hours passed fairly quickly. There were a few issues with the monitors. Baby kept moving around and the contraction monitor seemed less effective when they had me flipped over to the sides rather then on my back. Somewhere in there, the doctor put a scalp monitor on the baby and a internal contraction monitor in me.
By 11:30 PM, I was at 10cm and ready to push. My nurse joked that I was going to be one of those Three pushes and babys out kinda girls.
Well, three something. About three hours later I was completely exhausted and very discouraged. Wed make about 2 cm progress during each set of pushes, but Baby would spring right back up. Baby wasnt handling the pushing well with a slowed heart rate during each contraction. They had me on an oxygen mask.
The doctor was talking C-section.
-------
Final guilt issue. I was pushing as hard as I could but felt like only maybe 1.5 pushes out of each set of three was really being effective. I wonder if I was doing something wrong despite all the great encouragement the doctor and nurses were giving me. When the doctor started talking C-section, she made it clear that I could continue to try pushing until they were actually ready to go to surgery. Inside I knew that I was done, but I felt like I needed DHs blessing to give up.
Wed been told at the ultrasounds that, like DH, Baby was going to have a very big head. DH told me later that he had been terribly afraid that was going to be a big issue, and was completely fine with whatever needed to be done to get both of us through delivery safely. Still, I know that women all over the world manage to vaginally deliver large babies every day. It should have been possible, right? I must have been doing something wrong. And maybe I shouldnt have given up.
-------
I lay exhausted, sucking oxygen while they prepped me for surgery. DH came in to hold my hand and stroke my hair. In no time at all, at 3:12 AM December 8, the doctor was holding a little girl over the drape, bright red, crying, and so beautiful. DH gasped Elise! (the girl name wed chosen). I could not stop sobbing with happiness. DH got to be with her while they cleaned her up and did some quick tests. Then he brought her over and we touched cheeks for a moment before they both headed off to the the transition nursery while the doctor finished stitching me up.
I dont remember reading about this in any of the millions of birth stories Ive read but maybe I just wasnt paying attention. For about the first hour after getting back to the delivery room, I was trembling uncontrollably. A friend who visited us in the hospital the other day said that she experienced the same thing after her vaginal delivery (with a huge tear). The nurse said it was completely normal.
DH came into the delivery room after about half an hour (while I was still trembling) and then finally, almost an hour after shed been born, I got to really look at, touch, and take my first stab at breast feeding my baby girl.
They moved us to a private room in Post-Partum Recovery at around 8AM. DH has been amazing with Elise, considering that I wasnt able to get out of bed the first day, got my first real food on the second day and only got my epidural and IV finally taken out (and a shower!) on the morning of the third day.
Its now our estimated due date (Dec 11) and were told that we will get to go home sometime today.
-------
A couple of closing notes:
Were extremely impressed with the staff at this hospital. Having been here for 4 days now, weve seen so many wonderful nurses, nurse techs, lactation consultants, and nursery nurses come through our room. Ive gotten so many great hands-on tips on baby care and breast feeding. DH is becoming a pro at swaddling, diaper changing, calming a crying baby, and managing to not be completely zombie-like when woken up from broken sleep on an uncomfortable convertible chair/bed. When something didnt quite click from one nurse, I got it explained in some other way by another nurse. I have to think wed be struggling a lot more as first time parents right now if wed been able to go straight home a few hours after delivery.
My doctor has come by at least once a day. Shes told me that when she saw Elises head, she understood why my pushing hadnt worked. She told me that I was doing a great job. Baby just got stuck. I hear her, but Im still not sure I really believe.
I guess everyone says this, but really, Elise is actually the most beautiful baby Ive ever seen. Shes so worth everything weve gone through to get her here.
I have some guilt issues with Elises labor that I really hope dont develop into some form of Baby Blues. Ive told DH about them and he keeps telling me that shes here, safe and sound. The how doesnt matter now. But Ive still had a couple of crying jags already over these feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
--------
For months, DH and I had been hoping for our little yellow bundle to arrive before her due date. We wanted some breathing space to get to know our baby before relatives from all over the country started arriving for Christmas and Hanukkah.
Wed pretty much given up hope of that when we hit 39 weeks on Sunday, December 4. The internal exams at the OBGYN were not encouraging. Id been at 1cm for a couple of weeks and baby was still very high. I hadnt had a whiff of a contraction at that point, not even much in the way of Braxton Hicks.
I went to work as usual on Monday morning and had to field lots of How are you feeling? questions with Too good to give birth any time soon.
Around midday, I started noticing slight menstrual-type cramps. Nothing big or particularly bothersome and very far apart time-wise. That evening I tried timing them and got anything from fifteen minutes to half an hour apart. Lying in bed on Tuesday morning, I still felt the cramps and finally mentioned them to DH. He agreed that it probably wouldnt be a good idea to risk going into labor at work. I emailed my coworkers and told them that I was done with going in, but they were welcome to email or call with questions.
I spent Tuesday feeling slightly guilty for staying home. I tried to keep busy - organized the messy linen closet, stuffed my stash of freshly washed pocket diapers with newborn inserts, and did some straightening in the nursery. I dont think I was nesting, just wanted to show DH that I hadnt been sitting on the couch all day. I occasionally attempted to time the menstrual-style cramps and still found them lacking regularity.
We had our weekly OBGYN appointment scheduled for 9:40 AM on Wednesday morning, Dec 7, at 37w3d. Around 6 AM, I used the bathroom and noticed that contractions were continuing. I tried timing them again and found theyd settled in to a pattern about 7 minutes apart. I was excited! I had a small breakfast of peanut butter and jelly on toast with decaf coffee and drove the 10 minutes over to meet DH at the doctors office.
I thought it a little odd that the nurse-tech took my blood pressure from both arms that morning, but just assumed that Id moved somehow and the machine had failed on the first side. The doctor came in, did her exam, and said Well, youre still at 1cm, but your blood pressure was very high so Im sending you over to the hospital for monitoring. Head over to Triage on the third floor. And dont eat anything before you go.
She left the exam room. DH and I looked at each other. We immediately went to disobey. We quickly drove home and consolidated cars. I put the finishing touches on my hospital bag and the babys bag while DH finally got around to packing his bag (in a slight panic). DH had a quick lunch and put all the bags and the carseat into the trunk of his car. He drove us back to the hospital (across the street from the OBGYNs office). Taking only my bag from the car, we checked in and got put in a room. A nurse came by to take some blood, strap on external baby/contraction monitors, and put me on an automatic machine set to check my BP every few minutes.
At around 1 PM, my doctor stepped into the room and told us that my BP was back at acceptable levels, but all over the place. Rather than risk development of preeclampsia, she wanted to go ahead and admit me to Labor and Delivery and start Pitocin. With wide eyes, I nodded.
--------
This is my first guilt issue. Sure, I had one instance of high blood pressure, but it was basically a straight induction. If my desire for a natural labor had been enough to overcome my desire for baby to come before her due date, I would have asked to delay and maybe come in for daily monitoring.
--------
I was admitted to a big private room in L&D around 1 PM and the Pitocin drip started at 2:30. The initial internal exam by the nurse found me at 2cm which means that the mild contractions Id been having on my own since Monday had actually been somewhat productive.
Anesthesia came in fairly soon after the drip started to go over drug options. I told them I wasnt sure that I wanted an epidural. I wanted to see if I could do without, maybe with just injectables. The tech nodded and continued to go through his spiel anyway.
My cramps on Pitocin immediately started getting closer together. I had a baby heart monitor and contraction monitor strapped on to make sure that baby was ok and that I got credit for my contractions. The rates and intensity seen on the monitor strip determined when they increased and decreased the drip. From that point I was stuck in the bed, on the monitors at all time. After several hours, I was no longer able to just read through the contractions. I held DHs hand and practiced my Lamaze breathing, focusing on slowly breathing in and out. Somewhere in here, Anesthesia came back and asked again if I wanted an epi yet, reminding me that it would take at least half an hour to get set up and a little more time after that to kick in. My nurse at the time (they basically stayed with us in the room the entire time) reminded me that the contractions were only going to get worse and If I wanted it, there was no point in delaying.
-------
Heres my second guilt issue. At this point Id decided that I wanted the epidural eventually, but I also wanted to wait until I was in fairly established labor, around 5 cm perhaps? Id read a lot about early epidurals slowing down contractions and leading to more interventions. The nurse said that on Pitocin, there was no need to delay. My contractions were not going to stop no matter what.
I let myself be convinced. I said yes.
DH later admitted that he was relieved that Id gone for it then. His stress level over my emotional state while coping went down dramatically and hed been secretly worried about me having to be put under general anesthesia in the event of an emergency section, making both of us miss Babys birth.
--------
During the half hour before anesthesia was due to come to put it in, my doctor stopped by to check up on me. It was about 5:30 PM and she was headed home for the day. She did an exam and exclaimed Oh, youre at 4cm! Lets go ahead and break your waters. I was still digesting that when I felt a huge gush spreading over the bed beneath me.
Instantly, the contractions that were just on the edge of manageable became ten times worse than the worst menstrual cramps Id ever had. I struggled to handle the pain. The tech finally came and the nurse hugged me to keep me still while the epi was put in. The pain from my uterus completely overpowered any discomfort from the epidural insertion. A few contractions later, the cramps faded completely away. All I felt was downward pressure every few minutes.
The hours passed fairly quickly. There were a few issues with the monitors. Baby kept moving around and the contraction monitor seemed less effective when they had me flipped over to the sides rather then on my back. Somewhere in there, the doctor put a scalp monitor on the baby and a internal contraction monitor in me.
By 11:30 PM, I was at 10cm and ready to push. My nurse joked that I was going to be one of those Three pushes and babys out kinda girls.
Well, three something. About three hours later I was completely exhausted and very discouraged. Wed make about 2 cm progress during each set of pushes, but Baby would spring right back up. Baby wasnt handling the pushing well with a slowed heart rate during each contraction. They had me on an oxygen mask.
The doctor was talking C-section.
-------
Final guilt issue. I was pushing as hard as I could but felt like only maybe 1.5 pushes out of each set of three was really being effective. I wonder if I was doing something wrong despite all the great encouragement the doctor and nurses were giving me. When the doctor started talking C-section, she made it clear that I could continue to try pushing until they were actually ready to go to surgery. Inside I knew that I was done, but I felt like I needed DHs blessing to give up.
Wed been told at the ultrasounds that, like DH, Baby was going to have a very big head. DH told me later that he had been terribly afraid that was going to be a big issue, and was completely fine with whatever needed to be done to get both of us through delivery safely. Still, I know that women all over the world manage to vaginally deliver large babies every day. It should have been possible, right? I must have been doing something wrong. And maybe I shouldnt have given up.
-------
I lay exhausted, sucking oxygen while they prepped me for surgery. DH came in to hold my hand and stroke my hair. In no time at all, at 3:12 AM December 8, the doctor was holding a little girl over the drape, bright red, crying, and so beautiful. DH gasped Elise! (the girl name wed chosen). I could not stop sobbing with happiness. DH got to be with her while they cleaned her up and did some quick tests. Then he brought her over and we touched cheeks for a moment before they both headed off to the the transition nursery while the doctor finished stitching me up.
I dont remember reading about this in any of the millions of birth stories Ive read but maybe I just wasnt paying attention. For about the first hour after getting back to the delivery room, I was trembling uncontrollably. A friend who visited us in the hospital the other day said that she experienced the same thing after her vaginal delivery (with a huge tear). The nurse said it was completely normal.
DH came into the delivery room after about half an hour (while I was still trembling) and then finally, almost an hour after shed been born, I got to really look at, touch, and take my first stab at breast feeding my baby girl.
They moved us to a private room in Post-Partum Recovery at around 8AM. DH has been amazing with Elise, considering that I wasnt able to get out of bed the first day, got my first real food on the second day and only got my epidural and IV finally taken out (and a shower!) on the morning of the third day.
Its now our estimated due date (Dec 11) and were told that we will get to go home sometime today.
-------
A couple of closing notes:
Were extremely impressed with the staff at this hospital. Having been here for 4 days now, weve seen so many wonderful nurses, nurse techs, lactation consultants, and nursery nurses come through our room. Ive gotten so many great hands-on tips on baby care and breast feeding. DH is becoming a pro at swaddling, diaper changing, calming a crying baby, and managing to not be completely zombie-like when woken up from broken sleep on an uncomfortable convertible chair/bed. When something didnt quite click from one nurse, I got it explained in some other way by another nurse. I have to think wed be struggling a lot more as first time parents right now if wed been able to go straight home a few hours after delivery.
My doctor has come by at least once a day. Shes told me that when she saw Elises head, she understood why my pushing hadnt worked. She told me that I was doing a great job. Baby just got stuck. I hear her, but Im still not sure I really believe.
I guess everyone says this, but really, Elise is actually the most beautiful baby Ive ever seen. Shes so worth everything weve gone through to get her here.
xxx
