Bit of a rant...not sure how to feel :(

[fantastica]

Sorry this is a bit pointless...and never really posted in here before..just don't know what's going on with me!

Lost another baby 2 weeks ago today..and I don't feel 'upset', it's the third baby i've lost...but I do have a healthy baby boy too.

With the first two I cried for weeks...well with the first it went on until I fell pregnant again...about a year...the same with the second...the first was over the week after I found out..and it somehow didn't feel as real at the time...until about a week afterwards (hope this makes a little bit of sense), with the second baby I thought I was 12weeks..but baby had stopped a lot before that...I was really attached to it all...planning everything, and suddenly it had gone. Then fell pregnant with my son...everything was fine apart from one scare. This time...I really didn't want to fall pregnant (i know that sounds awful..especially here), but I guess I got used to the idea of this baby..and started to love it like the others.

But...since losing 'it'...I don't think I've even cried once..no I did once..but that's it. In some ways I never thought the baby would survive, just had that feeling. Thing is..although I've not been 'upset'...I'm slipping in to old ways.

Suffered from depression on and off for years..and now I find myself not getting dressed most days, not taking my LO out much , not being able to sleep...but wanting to stay in bed all the time, not wanting to eat or over eating.

Sorry this is so long...been on my mind for a few days...is it normal? Or am i Just a heartless cow not feeling as distraut as I have in the past? It's not that I don't miss bubs...agh..I just know I don't feel 'right'..maybe it'll come out in the next week or two

 

[Charlotteee]

Go and see your doctor, Or ask if your son's health visitor will come round. I don't want to sound horrible, but my sister was feeling the same way as you, staying in bed all the time, and they put her on anti-depressants. Its nothing to be ashamed of sweetheart.

I feel terrible only losing one child, i cant imagine how hard this is for you losing 3

xxxx

 

[shocker]

Hun your not heartless Ive seen you post in the teen section and when i saw your siggy recently my heart just broke for you.You've been through so much.Everyone grieves in differant ways for differant people, they were all differant little people.My sister lost her son and she recently told me that at first she was desperate to be pregnant but after a few days the idea terrified her and she ended up waiting 10 years before ttc again.She said the idea of ever being pregnant again was too difficult, she couldnt deal with the thought of losing them or anything going wrong.She ended up just drinking herself into oblivion for an entire year afterwards so she didnt have to deal with it.I on the other hand stayed in bed all day, stopped seeing all my friends and just stopped living really.It sounds like your aware that your behaviour is on a downward slide and i would urge you to go to your gp and see if he could refer you for counselling.It would be helpful for you to have someone to help keep you going and also to help you deal with all this.I have a history of depression aswell and along with the help of a counsellor ive found that making myself little goals really helps.Things like tomorrow i'll get up and do my make-up,then the day after i'll go for a walk.Small things but as you know very difficult when your feeling this way,hope your doing ok hun

 

[Chilli]

Stop feeling so bad about yourself! You're not to blame, you're not a bad person and you are just trying to cope. Crying isn't the only way we show our emotions! But you have a child as I did when I had my 2 losses and you ahve to do the right thing for him/her. If you feel you don't have the strength to get ourself going for their sake, then yes - ask for help - ask the professionals (doc or whoever) to give you some support. It's a tradgedy that you are suffering a loss again but please don't let it drag you back into depression. If you need someone to talk to please pm me

 

[fantastica]

Sorry to drag this up again...just wanted to thank you all for replying and making me feel a little bit better!

I told my mum in the end..and feel a little better..me and OH wanted to keep it between us but oh well, tbh since writing it all down...feel like i'm coping a bit better, trying to focus everything on the LO i'm so lucky to have, suppose really I should learn from what's happened and be so grateful for the baby that's here.

If things don't improve...the way i'm acting etc, I might go to the doc...everything just feels so surreal right now.

Thank you so much for being so nice!