Bitter after loss

[Novbaby08]

I guess thats the only way to really explain it. I feel bitter about my miscarriage in February. I feel like if I hadn't I would be halfway done with the pregnancy by now, I wouldn't feel so disappointed and bitter. I feel like it shouldn't have happened. And what did I do wrong. We've been trying since my miscarriage I've had 3 cycles and so far no baby. I keep thinking if I hadn't miscarried I'd be getting ready for another already. I'd already know the gender, I'd be buying stuff for it, I'd have a baby bump. I'd feel it moving. And instead....nothing. I feel so bitter about it, I just want to sit and cry sometimes. Its not fair. Why did this have to happen, we were so excited over the BFP and now its BFN the last few months, I just want it to happen again. Harley will be 3 in just over 5 months and is still my only one. I've been wanting another since she was 6 months old. I know I haven't been trying long, but I still feel so bitter, I feel like the last two times I got pregnant it happened right away, but now this time...it feels like its taking forever. I should have a baby this October/September, but instead I won't because that baby will never be. By the time I have another Harley will be almost 4 at the least. I just want everything to work out, what if I do get pregnant and that ends in miscarriage as well. I think I would have handled this better had I not had a miscarriage and were just having trouble conceiving.
Anyways thanks for reading my rant

 

[LadyKate1980]

It's ok to be angry and bitter...grief has several seasons, and you will pass through this one as it runs its course. It's ok to feel this way, it's temporary. Have a good cry, it's alright.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I can totally understand the impatience. I really hope you get your BFP soon, and I hope that this season of grief passes quickly for you.

 

[fallenangel11]

Hi Novbaby,

I read your post and feel exactly the same! Sometimes I'm sad for my lost baby, and sometimes I'm ok...but a lot of the time I'm bitter and angry.
This baby would have been my first, but I have a four year old Step-daughter and I thought everything through- My baby would have been born in nov this year, and my SD would have been 4.5 and we get her 3 nights a week, then when my SD turns 5 we get her 50/50....so if we had our baby in nov we would have a lot of one on one time with the baby before we have SD 50% of the time....it all worked out in my head

I get upset thinking I would be 16 weeks now....and then I get sad. Sometimes I'm mad at myself, thinking I did something wrong, I ate a hotdog, or used my laptop too much...then sometimes I'm mad at my husband maybe he drank one too many beers....and then sometimes I'm mad at my Step-daughter...well not at her, but mad that she's here....she wasn't a planned baby and my hubby wasn't ready for her...but she was still born...it seems unfair when our baby was very much wanted and very much planned for!.....but then I think, maybe this is God's way (I'm not really religous) and maybe it's meant to make me appreciate how much I already have...my loviong husband and my beautiful Step-daughter!

I can't help you....but sometimes it's nice to know others are feeling the same feelings we do
I watched Finding Nemo with my SD last night and in the movie Marlin (the daddy fish) goes looking for his son who was taken....sometimes he feels as if it's hopeless....he can't find the boat that took him...then he looses the address....but along the way his friend Dory keeps him going! And they keep looking....through all the obsticles that get in their way...and eventually they find Nemo!

...It just got me thinking that as parents, that's what we always have to do...keep going. one day we will have our BFP and it will mean a baby! We have to "just keep swimming, just keep swimming".

 

[AEM1803]

I feel the same way..

I am having a hard time with the fact that my friend and i got pregnant only a couple days apart.. and i lost my baby and she didnt..
So everyday i have to see her.. and think to myself that I'm supposed to be showing like she is and getting excited like she is and finding out the sex of the baby this week..

Its such a hard thing to go through.. still not to sure how to handle it

 

[ceejie]

I feel the same....I'm having a hard time accepting how quickly everything changed.

In less than hour I went from excitedly sitting in the waiting room awaiting my ultrasound to being told my little baby had no heartbeat.

In less than a day I went from wondering how I was going to tell my parents that they'd be grandparents, to wondering how I was going to tell them that they won't.

In less than a week I went from hating my nausea and expanding waistline, to wishing more than anything that I could have it all back....

 

[Cassiopeia]

I feel the same way..

I am having a hard time with the fact that my friend and i got pregnant only a couple days apart.. and i lost my baby and she didnt..
So everyday i have to see her.. and think to myself that I'm supposed to be showing like she is and getting excited like she is and finding out the sex of the baby this week..

Its such a hard thing to go through.. still not to sure how to handle it

ARGH! I so know how you feel. I can't help comparing myself to other people who got pregnant around the same time. I guess it'll pass.
The bottom line is that it isn't fair and it's totally random. It must be hard to be around your friend.
My DH was conceived soon after a stillbirth and he wouldn't have been born if it weren't for that tragedy. In my more optimistic moments, I try to think that everything happens for a reason.

 

[Mellybelle]

I'm bitter and twisted since my mc's. Yeah, maybe everything happens for a reason, but why does it happen to me. I may be a stronger person because of what I have gone through but I am also bitter and very intolerant of people. I hate complete strangers in the street because they are pregnant. I have deleted friends off facebook because I cant stand their pregnancy whinges. I hate spending a fortune to see a FS to get some answers. I hate it all. I just want my babies back.

 

[Brookegarrett]

I understand I am kinda the same way all my friends r starting to baby shop abd since my chemical I can't even bare to talk about babies with them so I kno how u feel if u wanna talk my ears r open

 

[Novbaby08]

Its hard, because you see all these pregnant girls around you and know that you should be one of them.

 

[hayley x]

I shouldnt really post in here but I know that since losing Alex I have been bitter about so many things, things I never thought I could be bitter about iywkim? so sorry for your loss, I really hope you get your soon, I know it wont make everything ok, but it will make things seem a little brighter big xxx

 

[hellypops]

I feel exactly the same,i mc at 8 weeks and i am still counting the weeks,i should have been 14 weeks yesterday and am so angry that it is all over.i cant be around other pregnant women as i am so jealous and just want my babies back safe in my belly
A girl i know was 1 week ahead of me and i resent her so much.she is still drinking and smoking heavily and doesnt see what the problem is.i dont drink or smoke,i eat healthy and take my vitamins and still i lost my babies.she moans about weight gain,nausea and tiredness and sometimes i could slap her. i would give anything to be going through that right now. i just can't bear anyone taking pregnancy and their baby for granted when it is so precious.
Thats my rant over i guess i'll be bitter for a long time and i can't change other people so i'll have to get on with it.

 

[AEM1803]

after my ectopic i started noticing how many people around me are pregnant.. and it kills me.
I feel horrible for feeling the way that i do sometimes.. I am happy that they are pregnant and have babies and get to enjoy the joys of being a mother..
But i cant help but feel jealous.. i hate feeling like that.. i feel so upset sometimes about it.. I think to myself.. that was supposed to be me..
I used to believe everything happened for a reason.. and i still try to.. but after going through what i went through.. i sort of lost faith in that saying.. because i have cant find the reasoning in loosing my baby... there is no reason for anybody to ever have to loose something that you would die for the second you find out your pregnant.. not 1 reason comes to mind..
I am sorry that people have to go through this..

 

[PugLuvAh]

I feel the same....I'm having a hard time accepting how quickly everything changed.

In less than hour I went from excitedly sitting in the waiting room awaiting my ultrasound to being told my little baby had no heartbeat.

In less than a day I went from wondering how I was going to tell my parents that they'd be grandparents, to wondering how I was going to tell them that they won't.

In less than a week I went from hating my nausea and expanding waistline, to wishing more than anything that I could have it all back....

Yes, yes and yes

 

[Imalia]

I think I may have the market share on bitter and twisted.

TTC #1 for 13 and a half years, two miscarriages, one ectopic, one second trimester loss and one chemical pregnancy later I hate everyone who even mentions pregnancy or babies. Whenever I hear someone is pregnant I hate them, cut contact, refuse to talk to them, or see them. And Jesus H Christ have I said and thought some horribly awful things. I hate anyone who can just get pregnant in a few cycles, I hate more anyone who whines about how they aren't getting pregnant and they've been trying for 3 whole months now. When DH told me his niece was pregnant I actually turned around and said "I hope she dies giving birth to a deformed flipper baby"

I am a horrible and bitter person, I can't be happy for others and I truly and honestly believe that each and everytime someone else gets pregnant or has a baby it's a personal slap in the face from God to me. I have come to feel that unless you have been trying long term, or have had a loss, how f-ing DARE you get pregnant before me, that should be MY baby, I deserve it more.

 

[addy1]

So sorry for all your losses. I am so sad to see that there are so many families that have to go through this.

Stay strong, and take each day as it comes.

 

[JackiePed]

ARGH! I so know how you feel. I can't help comparing myself to other people who got pregnant around the same time. I guess it'll pass.
The bottom line is that it isn't fair and it's totally random. It must be hard to be around your friend.
My DH was conceived soon after a stillbirth and he wouldn't have been born if it weren't for that tragedy. In my more optimistic moments, I try to think that everything happens for a reason.

Funny that you say that, someone else brought that up to me, she had gone through two miscarriages in a row like me, and then had a successful 3rd pregnancy, and she said, "I can't help but think...as much as I wanted each of the first two pregnancies...that had they been successful, I wouldn't have had Gracie now, and I absolutely KNOW she was meant to be in our family. "

I can tell you this....as hard as it is right now, to go back to square 1 and to know how far along you *could* be right now, time will pass quickly....and before you know it you'll be pregnant again. After my second loss, my doc said stop trying for 3 months. That seemed like an eternity, although I really wasn't emotionally ready to try again anyways. So, I took those 3 months to focus really hard on another goal -- I worked my butt off in the gym and the kitchen and lost 30 lbs so I could be at my healthy goal weight before I got pregnant again. Two weeks after reaching my goal, I conceived this little one...

and now I'm 9 weeks and going strong. this is farther than I made with my last two.

Having that 'other goal' gave me something to focus on to pass the time.

 

[lauraemily17]

ARGH! I so know how you feel. I can't help comparing myself to other people who got pregnant around the same time. I guess it'll pass.
The bottom line is that it isn't fair and it's totally random. It must be hard to be around your friend.
My DH was conceived soon after a stillbirth and he wouldn't have been born if it weren't for that tragedy. In my more optimistic moments, I try to think that everything happens for a reason.

Funny that you say that, someone else brought that up to me, she had gone through two miscarriages in a row like me, and then had a successful 3rd pregnancy, and she said, "I can't help but think...as much as I wanted each of the first two pregnancies...that had they been successful, I wouldn't have had Gracie now, and I absolutely KNOW she was meant to be in our family. "

I can tell you this....as hard as it is right now, to go back to square 1 and to know how far along you *could* be right now, time will pass quickly....and before you know it you'll be pregnant again. After my second loss, my doc said stop trying for 3 months. That seemed like an eternity, although I really wasn't emotionally ready to try again anyways. So, I took those 3 months to focus really hard on another goal -- I worked my butt off in the gym and the kitchen and lost 30 lbs so I could be at my healthy goal weight before I got pregnant again. Two weeks after reaching my goal, I conceived this little one...

and now I'm 9 weeks and going strong. this is farther than I made with my last two.

Having that 'other goal' gave me something to focus on to pass the time.

I can relate to this as I wouldn't have been born if my Mum hadn't have had a miscarriage before me!! Knowing that and that my Mum has been through what I have is helping me loads!

I also found out my SIL is pregnant and only a few weeks behind where I was so now have a constant very real reminder of the baby I lost. (she actually found out she was pregnant the same weekend I went through my miscarrigae, such a kick in the teeth and can't help but feel like she took my baby ) I am incredably bitter about it but trying to look forward to the baby we are now trying to conceive again.

It will happen again, we will get our rainbow babies and they will be so very very special to us. xx

 

[redrose89]

I'm bitter and twisted since my mc's. Yeah, maybe everything happens for a reason, but why does it happen to me. I may be a stronger person because of what I have gone through but I am also bitter and very intolerant of people. I hate complete strangers in the street because they are pregnant. I have deleted friends off facebook because I cant stand their pregnancy whinges. I hate spending a fortune to see a FS to get some answers. I hate it all. I just want my babies back.

I work in a grocery store as a cashier, and it is SO hard to see pregnant women walkiing around. Some are even perfectly fine lifting heavy things and such and it just makes me so mad sometimes. I have to stop myself from asking them, why you? why not me?.