Blah ... My best friend is having her baby in the morning ....

[kam78]

UGH

 

[angel jayvian]

I feel like such a horrible person ...

I should be OK, I have had other people around me give birth, heck I've even made myself hold a newborn last week .. So, I thought "yay! I've passed some sort of test".. I'm healed : ) LOL ...

I honestly have been feeling so much better, like I started to move forward, finally .... But as soon as she called me and after the news settled a bit, I just feel horrible ...

I miss Emma ....

I was suppose to have delivered MY baby a bit ago, August 15 ....

I do NOT wanna go see her tomorrow but know I have too... There is NO way I can hide from HER ...

I honestly don't know ... All of a sudden, feelings of jealousy is finally creeping in, I have never felt like that towards her, ever and now here I am tonight sitting in a pool of jealousy ...

I think lately I have been doing some "sweeping" instead of "dealing" ... I didnt think of notice it til' tonight ... UGH ....

I just want my daughter tucked safely in her crib... to rock and sing to her ...

I know exactly how you feeling huns.3 of my cousins are pregnant 5 of my friends are pregnant and 2 recently gave birth. I really feel like I would never be ready to see them knowing that my baby Jayvian would have been the same age as them. Cant even see them now thinking that my belly would be growing just like theirs..it hurts me when I see little baby Boys . It sounds so cruel but I just don't want to see my friends babies it would break my heart more then what it is.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Kelly,
You are far from a horrible person and I know and you know these feelings are so so normal. I am so sorry, I have just hidden myself from anyone who is pregnant. As you know 6 weeks after I lost Ava my SIL lost her baby at 17 weeks. She also has 3 boys but she is 37 and I am dreading the day i get a call telling me she is pregnant, Kelly I don't know what I will do.. She is my sil so i have to see her and the baby and it's been 6 months and yes I am stronger but I don't know if I am ready for something like that. I didn't ask her if she is going to try again and I have not told anyone I may try again. In fact if i do get pregnant I am not telling anyone until I am 20 weeks.

My best friend of 30 yrs said something to me today and I didn't know how to take it. She said Andrea please don't get upset but I think God took away your SIL's baby because he knew how hard it would have been for you to see her baby I know she didn't mean anything bad but I felt like maybe it was my fault in some way she lost her baby , I know that is stupid. I just didn't know how to take her comment
Kelly, i feel the same way it only means we are normal. I promise you from my heart there will come a day when we both will be genuinely happy for our friends and families pregnancies and will be able to be around newborns, the day will come I know it..

 

[Sarah27]

Kelly,
I can only mirror what the others have said you are not a horrible person. Some times a bit of self preservation is what you need to have and stuff eveyone else. If they are good friends they should understand how you feel regardless of the situation.
We have friends who we have not seen in nearly a year.. they have gone on to have an accidental baby in this time whilst we struggled and struggled to concieve our rainbow baby. I used to feel soo cross that they had gotten another healthy baby without even really wanting one or trying.... Its normal to feel abit jealous and manic at times but you can't help the way that you feel.
You are soo early in your "journey" sorry I hate this I sound like a hippy loss counsellor but over time your jealously will subside but sometimes it doesn't always go away, it will be there but not as horrible and raw as it is now..

Hang on in there and remember your little lady will be holding your hand xxx

 

[kam78]

Good Morning Ladies...

Well, its morning and after thinkging and getting a good nights sleep, I do feel a lil better about all this ... My friend has always been so amazing to me and I know she understands, I am just frustrated with myself cuz I don't wanna have these thoughts of feelings ... I want to be an amazing friend to her as well ... I actually have been a horrible friend to her, these last few months I refused to see her, or even talk to her .. and yet she still loves me ... Wow ... So, I need to suck it up and return the favor... I know she needs me and wants me so I just have to do it ...

Guess we'll see how this goes ... Prayers please : )

To be continued .... Xoxo

 

[Vickieh1981]

You are NOT a bad person. You are a grieving mother missing your daughter.

You can't expect to ever be over her. Sometimes things will hurt more than others and some days will be easier.

Sorry this is hard for you x xxx

 

[Nikki_d72]

Kam, you are not bad at all, it's natural.

My best friend and neighbour is pregnant too and she's been the most wonderful support to me, but it's getting harder and harder to be around her as she is showing more now and was only about 4 weeks behind me, her's was an oopsy baby as well and it took her a few weeks to come to terms with it, though she's happy now about it. It's also her 4th. I'm not a naturally jealous person but it happens in situations like this.

I know what you mean about wanting to be there for her and wishing you don't have these feelings too but denying them won't help. I've thanked my friend over and over for what she has done for me but I've also told her not to be hurt If I dissapear when the baby is getting nearer due and that it's nothing to do with her but it will be really hard for me to deal with. I want to be there for her as much as she has been for me too but I'm aware that there will be days where I just can't. I'm sure your friend will understand and there maybe will come a time when you are able to be around her baby but there is bound to be times when you can't, maybe just warn her that this may happen? Be gentle on yourself though.

Anyway, wishing you much strength, I suppose sometimes we have to force ourselves to do things we don't uctually want to and are usually glad when we have so maybe it's a good thing. Oh I dunno. I'm not helping here! All the best xxx

 

[mhazzab]

what you are feeling is totally normal, I think we have all felt or are feeling the same way.

My best friend gave birth three weeks after I did. After I gave birth, and before she did, we had a honest chat about how we were feeling. She felt so guilty because she was still pregnant and I wasn't, and as much as I didn't want to admit it, I was so jealous of her and couldn't bear to see her. Of course, I wanted her baby to be born healthy, I just wanted mine back too. We agreed at the time that the next few months would be difficult and awkward for both of us, and that we probably wouldn't see each other for a while, but that because we were such good friends, we really had to try to make it work. I would imagine it's very awkward for her as she is proud of her daughter but doesn't want to upset me. It's been 7 weeks and I still haven't seen her yet (she lives 150 miles away but even if she was closer I probably still wouldn't have), but I did work up the courage to ask for some photos, so I could look at them in my own time.

I'm rambling a bit here, but I guess what I am saying is - don't rush yourself if you don't feel comfortable seeing her and baby. If she is a good friend, she will understand that you need time, and I'm sure you will both get through this.

xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

How are you doing today, Kelly? Hope everything was easier on you than you thought it was and you are ok, let me know.
XOXO Thinking of you xoxox