Bonding issues with unborn baby 23 weeks

[Lucy_]

Im really hoping that someone please anyone will respond to me with their stories regarding bonding with your unborn baby.

Im 23 weeks pregnant and up until a couple of weeks ago i was excited and felt some relative bond with my bump, the kicks and movements started at 18 weeks and i remember crying at some of the first kicks at how amazing it was but now its all changed and i really don't know why and looking for some advice because i feel SO ALONE with this.

I just seem to have all of a sudden really started to resent my bump and feel nothing towards her (we found out the gender) and I'm confused as to why i feel like this. This pregnancy was planned and happened so quick (conceived within the first month of trying) i am recently married have no other real worries have the luxury of not being able to work etc and i should count myself SO lucky how i conceived so quickly and am in such a good position to raise a baby but i just can't shake this feeling of resentment and unattachment.

Before i got pregnant i was out a lot socialising, drinking, smoking, going to the gym with a trainer four times a week lifting heavy weights doing as i pleased, obviously when i found out i was pregnant i gave up all of the above and i don't know if this is why i resent my bump so much because i know it sounds so selfish but i feel my life has literally stopped and i am so bored because i cannot do anything which i enjoyed before whilst my partner just goes out with friends and does as he pleases. I can't enjoy shopping for clothes because whats the point they don't fit me. I feel fat and feel so out of control of my body. I just most days these days cry.

I also got talking to someone who proceeded to tell me about their bloody birth and i came so close to fainting which disappointed me because i am so strong with regards to pain and blood its never really phased me but now i know it really does I'm starting to dread the labour and birth whereas before i was just all for taking it as it comes and being really laid back about it.

Im worried i won't like being a mother and i won't have that fantastic mother baby bond everyone speaks of because i struggle with my feelings (my mother is very emotionally cold which has obviously had an affect on me growing up) its not like i can give the baby back, I've tried to tell my partner that i feel no bond and he just shouts at me and is obviously real disappointed that i feel this way.

I just don't know what to do anymore i feel so utterly lost with it all and don't know where to go from here if anyone reading this could help i would greatly appreciate it as i feel like i can't tell anyone about how i truly feel without being called selfish, ridiculous and stupid.

 

[Eleanor ace]

. Being pregnant can be a big adjustment and it can feel very lonely, like you're the only person who is making big changes while life goes on as normal for other people.
How about finding some activities similar to the things you enjoyed pre-pregnancy, like exercise you can do (like lifting, different cardio, water based exercise), maybe join the NCT or look for other expectant parents who share similar interests to you. If you think back to how you pictured pregnancy, is there anything you wanted to do that you haven't tried?
I didn't feel bonded to my DD1 during pregnancy; I was very pleased to be pregnant but I just didn't have that attachment, it seemed a bit abstract. Once she was born it was instant.

 

[aidensxmomma]

I can't write a decent reply at the moment because I'm on my phone away from home, but I wanted to at least offer some hugs until I can type out a real reply.

 

[Uni tsi]

I think it's actually pretty normal not to always feel completely bonded to a baby during pregnancy. It's just socially no one wants to talk about it because we're afraid of being judged so it feels lonely. But it is something that is actually pretty common, I think. I had some trouble with it myself this pregnancy and one thing I've found helpful is just to set aside some time every day where I talk to the baby, now that she's far enough along to hear me. I feel kind of silly doing it, but I know it's helping her feel close to me, which in a weird way helps me feel closer to her.

Maybe also, your OH can set some time aside to take you out for things that are pregnancy appropriate activities to do together? If he's just leaving you behind to go out places you can't go I can see where that would be upsetting. Maybe getting to do more together would help how you're feeling?

I second the idea of looking for pregnancy friendly things to do at the gym. Lifting won't hurt the baby, it's just that you're more flexible than you're used to so you have to be a little more careful not to injure yourself. I actually had a great session with a trainer right at the start of my second trimester. He was really helpful in advising me on how to modify things while still getting a very satisfying workout.

Finally, I just want to add that pregnancy hormones are a rollercoaster. We can feel great about something one day and horrible the next. So, don't be hard on yourself for whatever you're feeling. Hopefully the people around you can begin to understand that as well and cut you some slack when you're feeling things they don't understand

And, we're always here to vent to, which I have found is a huge comfort

 

[Uni tsi]

I also wanted to add, I wish people wouldn't tell labor horror stories to first time moms. It's completely unhelpful! Most of the time, everything goes exactly the way its supposed to but those don't make for interesting stories so they never get told.

 

[Tryingagain3]

Hello Hun,
My best friend felt like this all the way through her pregnancy, she's planned it too but she just didn't feel any bond with the baby and didn't enjoy feeling it move etc. She would break down telling me that she was scared she wouldn't love her and wouldn't be able to be a good mum. Well once she was born she did fall in love with her and she was fine.
I do also want to tell you that if when you have her you don't feel that bond straight away don't panic.. With my first I didn't feel that "rush of love" that everyone talks about. I cared for him a lot but it took a few weeks for me to fall head over heels for him. Been a first time mum is so hard especially when the baby arrives but you will get used to it and you will love your daughter.
When I had my second I had no problems I loved her from the second they handed her to me.
Stop been hard on yourself your changing before you own eyes and your whole life changed of course your going to feel a little lost and confused. I do think trying to take up some activities is a good idea as some of the ladies have said you can still exercise just make sure you speak to someone about the do's and dont's during pregnancy.
Good luck love and please try not to be so hard on yourself xxx

 

[xQuinnx]

Sending hugs xxx
I feel similar to you. This is my second baby, got pregnant straight away but first took a year...feeling quite resentful that my life already revolves around this being that I can't see or even feel every day yet. Were having a gender scan tomorrow so I'm hoping that might help...

I think it's normal to feel this was to an extent, obviously if it becomes all consuming you could maybe speak to friends/family or seek counselling. Feeling out of control has a massive impact I think.

Could you try and find other ways to look after yourself/enjoy yourself? Look at days out/socialising that would avoid alcohol? Or shop for maternity clothes? You can get some nice stuff that fits lovely and that might help? I don't know but I hope you can be kind to yourself.

As for bonding straight after baby born it could happen for sure but if it doesn't that is totally normal. I looked at my little girl and I loved her in a way and wanting to take care of her etc but the 'in love' feeling didn't really start until about 4 weeks after birth. For me I had to get to know this tiny new person before that rush of love could happen.

Good luck mama x

 

[KatO79]

I'm a first time pregnant lady myself but have also heard that even if you don't feel much of a bond during pregnancy, it does come after you've given birth. I do hear you on the cold mother though, my own mother is very toxic (emotionally abusive to the extreme although she's more engulfing than ignoring) and I used to worry if I'd be a good mother when I didn't/don't have a good mother myself (so have no role model). But I know now that I'm nothing like her and if nothing else, I do know now what I don't want to do with my own child and what I lacked during my own childhood that I'll be giving to this baby, like playing with him/her and giving him/her the no-matter-what kind of love I never got from my own mother.

As to working out, I do believe there are plenty of things that are totally pregnancy safe, like swimming, and yoga. It might be an idea to join a class with other expectant mothers that you can perhaps befriend and socialise with. Not that you can't socialise with your non-pregnant/mom friends, just that some may not understand how you're life is changing. I have a "friend" like that myself. As for clothes shopping, I've been having lots of fun finding cute/nice maternity stuff. There's so much great clothes out there for pregnant ladies. Maybe try finding some maternity clothes that make you feel good about yourself?

I'm sorry your DH isn't very understanding of your feelings. I do think that men don't and will never be able to totally understand what we pregnant ladies feel and go through. It may be more beneficial to talk to anyone you know that has children themselves or maybe find a therapist that you can talk to about all this and maybe he/she can also help you heal any wounds you may still be dealing with from having had a cold/toxic mother.

I wish you all the best

 

[Tasha S.]

Try not to worry, hun!! I think sometimes the guilt we put on ourselves is worse than the feelings of being unattached. I agree with previous posters! Work out! I love home exercises, as I've never been one to like the gym, but I found a pregnancy DVD workout from momsintofitness.com (Lindsay Brin, I LOVE her stuff!) and do it from home. You can definitely still go out! Just don't drink! (Obviously, if people are getting roaring drunk that wouldn't be fun, but make other outing plans with friends!) Being pregnant is going through a rite of passage, and can definitely feel lonely and isolating. While those feelings are normal, try to find some activities that make you feel like yourself! You don't have to lose your identity to motherhood--do things for yourself!

 

[Scout]

I didn't have any kind of bond with baby while pregnant. I'd even break down and cry in the shower bc I wondered if it was a mistake that I was pregnant. Once she was born I had an overwhelming need/feeling to keep her safe and take care of her, but I didn't have a bond or an overwhelming feeling of love that people talk about. (which made me feel awful) The bond grew over time and I have to say I didn't feel completely in love with her until after the 1st year. She's just turned 3 and I don't know what I ever did without her and love her more that I ever thought I could love anyone. But for me, it took time.

 

[jessmke]

I didn't have any kind of bond with baby while pregnant. I'd even break down and cry in the shower bc I wondered if it was a mistake that I was pregnant. Once she was born I had an overwhelming need/feeling to keep her safe and take care of her, but I didn't have a bond or an overwhelming feeling of love that people talk about. (which made me feel awful) The bond grew over time and I have to say I didn't feel completely in love with her until after the 1st year. She's just turned 3 and I don't know what I ever did without her and love her more that I ever thought I could love anyone. But for me, it took time.

This was me exactly too. I absolutely hated being pregnant, and although I didn't resent the baby for it, I felt like I was sitting around waiting for my life resume again. I thought it was neat when the baby kicked, but I'm not sure I felt very "bonded" with the baby when I was pregnant. When she was born I didn't get that instant feeling of love. I felt very protective over her and I felt very strongly that I needed to keep her safe, but I didn't feel that rush of love. For some people the love needs time to grow, and that is perfectly ok.

Make sure you are exercising, there is no reason to stop working out and lifting weights. You can do anything your body was already used to doing so long as it feels comfortable. Your ligaments are loosening up though while you are pregnant so just be careful because you can easily pull muscles or injure yourself.

There's also no reason why you can't go out and socialize, just don't drink. I would drink a lot of soda water with lemon juice in it to feel like I was have a "drink", and the lemon helped with nausea. Or what about organizing social events that don't involve drinking, like going for a hike or a bike ride or something?

 

[Moom7900]

I think it's very normal to have mixed and fluctuating feelings during pregnancy, it comes with huge changes and responsibility, and you can end up feeling cut off from your old life and those around you.

However, if you are crying every day, it may be worth a chat with your GP as some women suffer with prenatal depression and some support and understanding could be helpful.

Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up over very normal feelings. You're full of hormones and going through a major life event. The fact that you worry about these things suggests that you care and will make an excellent mother to your baby girl.

Big hugs xxxxx

 

[Lucy_]

I just want to thankyou all for taking the time out of your days and lives to reply to me, its been a while since i posted and when i read all of your replies i cried that you could all be so kind to take the time to write back to me.

Reading your replies made me feel SOOO much better and so not on my own, i soon snapped out of feeling that low when i wrote this post but i have to say i have been so very up and down with regards to this issue but i go back to reading your comments and it really helps me.

I just want to send big hugs to you all and a massive thankyou.