So I'm finally plucking up the courage to share my story. I have been a lurker on this thread for so long and your stories and photos have been a massive source of support for me.
I was absolutely 100% sure I wasn't going to bf when I was pg with my daughter. I had an intense phobia for it and would not let the midwife or health visitor talk to me about it at all. I know my feelings were not normal and I have no idea where they came from but the whole idea of bf and everything that went with it completely disgusted me...that's how strong I felt. Everything about it in relation to me actually physically affected me, made me clammy and panicky and I just was no way even going to try.
Dh was quite disappointed I think as he wanted the benefits for his child so I agreed to aim to pump and feed in a bottle which most in the health care profession thought was going to be tricky.
In the hospital after had given birth I could feel the disapproval tbh, but stuck to my guns throughout labour. Dh gave F her first bottle of formula just after delivery which was a nice bonding for them and she drank quite a lot. Then later on the ward we tried to feed her this formula again and she was having none of it, but we thought she had drank a lot from before.
The staff gave me a cup and some syringes to try and hand express colostrum for her first days, which I tried loads of times when visitors had gone, but literally nothing was happening.
The midwives kept coming in and were like 'have you fed her again yet? Have you managed to express anything yet?'. I know she needed feeding but they just had a big attitude with me. Anyway in the middle of the night after trying to express again, I thought let's just see. I was totally on my own and I thought I can just keep this my big secret if it doesn't happen or I feel too bad.
Anyway I just gave it a go. I had listened to all the info about latching at antenatal classes and they'd given me a leaflet and she just kind of did it. I suppose I was very lucky and she seemed to get some colostrum out. The staff were like almost annoyed 'oh, well what are you going to do now?' and I was like 'this was what you wanted?' Anyway I told them I would be bf'ing and thought I can always do what I want when I get home. Still sure I would not do it again.
I did it a few times in hospital and the midwives checked she had latched correctly.
Anyway we got home and I bought formula on the way home, intending to get back to expressing, hoping her feeding had started me off, but thought I would give formula until I could get going.
Anyway I started to give her this little bottle and she was pushing it away with her tongue, like looking at me all confused and heartbroken, like 'what is this?'.
I just burst into tears and felt this total emotional rush of like protection and love and like I wanted to apologise for confusing her.
Dh has been so proud when he heard I had tried bf'ing in hospital and really comforted me and said whatever I decided he was there but he would love me to give it a go. So I did!!
At first I couldn't let dh watch, but gradually I became more comfortable with it all. I bought an amazing feeding apron thing and even managed feeding in public.
We were so lucky and although I found it painful at first, F fed so well and we never had any real issues.
She was an extremely sicky baby and dropped from the 91st centile for birth weight to the 25th. At times the hvs were worried she had reflux and even suggested watching me feed. but I just said no...I knew she was fine. She has held at the 25th centile and is a lean and long baby, it's just where she is supposed to be I think.
We are now approaching the 15th month of bfing. F never would take a bottle of expressed milk so it has all been me. We are now down to just the bedtime feed as I have recently returned to work, but I think this has definitely been my proudest achievement. After reading all your stories and knowing my bfing journey will soon be at an end I wanted one photo to remind me of this special time and feel finally brave enough to share with you all.
Motherhood has changed me so much in every way, but I would never swap it for the world.
Here is my baby F born on the 15th of January 2012, weighing 9lbs...