Brutally honest opinions please...

[Islabella]

I'm struggling. I have a 9 week old and an 18 montb old. I love then both dearly but I am struggling. I can't tell whether I'm suffering from post natal depression or whether it's normal or whether my DH isn't being supportive enough. Everything is addled in my head and it's getting worse. I've tried talking to DH (he only gets up at night if our DD 18mos wakes, and that's rarely. Our son wakes every hour - I'm exhausted but breastfeeding so no point in waking DH up to help when he has work the next day. I keep our space tidy, take care of the kids at day but when he's home it's hit and miss how helpful he is. I feel like I have to ask him to help - yesterday he came home from work at lunchtime to take care of DD while I went to a friends funeral. Extra emotional, and all went wrong. Vicar didn't turn up and almost was cancelled... Came home hoping for a hug and a how was it, so I could tell him and get it off my chest - he hadn't put DD down for a nap, so she was knackered. He was on his Xbox and barely looked at me. After half an hour of him not saying anything I said are you not going to ask how it was? He said, are you done? How was it. I didn't really feel like talking about it. Went and got dinner and didn't see him until an hour later when he came to tell me he was off for football. It's now 9:20 on a Tuesday morning and he's asleep on the sofa (self employed and earns good money.) I've been up all night and have fed, dressed, changed kids since waking up this morning. I don't know how I feel about him anymore - I used to love him with all my heart now I just feel resentful. He says he works so I look after the kids, but he's not even at work! And doesn't seem to want to help when he's here. He has band practice one evening a week, bike tinkering after work every now and again and football as well. Sometimes he stays at work a bit later. I have lost sight of if I'm being unreasonable or if he's pushing it with how little he seems to want to be involved. When he's on board it's amazing, but that's usually after I get upset and tell him it seems like he wants to be single - just with a family at home for when he feels like seeing us. On the flip side, if I ask him to do something sometimes he's a bit grumpy but sometimes not and will generally do it. He bought me flowers the other day, just because - so he's not all bad. I keep thinking of leaving but again I don't know if that's cos I'm depressed. Sorry for long post, haven't posted here before. What are your DH/DP's like with the kids? I wish we'd take them out more and play with them but he doesn't seem to have that desire most of the time. Thanks ladies - x

 

[BunnyN]

First of all hugs! The newborn stage is overwhelming for most mums and with an 18 month old too you must be run off your feet. I think are right, your OH needs to give you more support, but try not to be too hard on him. Men often dont see all the stuff that needs doing. I think you should try having a good talk to him. My OH is fantastic at helping but some times he doesnt do it until I explain to him what I need. I find myself getting upset and resentful because to me it seems obvious that I am fighting a loosing battle to get everything done and exausting myself while he is on the sofa watching TV but then I explain and he is great so I realise I should have told him I needed help earlier. Try to have a good heart to heart and explain how much you are struggling. Tell him that you think its fair that you look after the kids while he is working but when he finishes work you still have to look after the kids so you need to share some of the work in that time or you will never get a break and you are goiing to colapse. I have also realised that OH needs a break sometimes too so I try to give him space to have a rest, watch TV, or whatever he wants without feeling on edge sometimes but it cant be too often when you have two little ones.

 

[JumpingIn]

It sounds like you're completely snowed under and he's oblivious to just how hard it is. Nothing compares to not sleeping at night. Trust me, I'm getting around 2 hours a night at the moment and I know. If he truly understood the pain of that he'd be constantly asking how he could be of help to you.

The problem is, because he can't empathise with that having not been there you'll be coming across as a nagger... It's unbelievable but many men need something to smack them in the face before they see it. I wrote a post on fb outlining how exhausted and depressed and overworked I was and it really helped.

It doesn't sound like he's a bad man or toy don't love each other but you do need to work out how to more fairly divide things before you break. Has he thought about how you don't get the luxury of hobbies, Xbox etc? It's massively unfair at the moment,clearly, but my guess is that he just hadn't thought it through and 'me job, her kids' seems equal in his ignorant brain. He needs to learn that your kids are a24/7 responsibility and you not only deserve but need breaks in order to function.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Many of us are there with you x

 

[sezzolou]

Sorry to hear you are feeling down at the moment. I can't really comment on if you're feelings might be genuine or intensified by the General situation but I can tell you how things were for us around that time. There's 18 months between by 2 boys. Hubby has very little interest in the baby stage and doesn't have an awful lot interaction with ds2 or help with feeding/changing etc, this doesn't bother me too much as he was the same with ds1 but is now amazing with him now he's a little older. Hubby never gets up with ds2 in the night (who is now 9 months) but will get up in the night if ds1 wakes or has an early get up. He sometimes helps with ds1 bath/bedtime/changing and takes him out but usually only if i ask or suggest. He is also self employed and does martial art trainig 3 times a week from 6.30-9pm. I do get abit of help from my parents on occasianal evenings. Money is tight but I have managed to keep ds1 in nursery 2 days a week to give me some one on one time with ds2 and make life a little easier. I think I would have struggled without that. Sorry I can't offer any advice but I hope my description of our life gives you some perspective either way. Actually...Last week though was a crappy week and I told him I want him to cook one night a week! He also makes breakie at a weekend. Feel like I'm always cooking now ds2 is also weaned haha.

Just to add...I think he should definately offer you more emotional support. This is an intense time and we need all the support we can get. DH spent hours on end on the Xbox when ds1 was born and I hated it! It's like he was shutting himself off from reality.

 

[Delphine11]

Sorry you're feeling bad Never underestimate how hard night after night of very little sleep is. It's exhausting, both physically and mentally. just keep in mind that it will get easier. I know it's hard to remember that when all you can think about is sleep.

I know your OH is working but mine gets up sometimes. I'm breastfeeding too but he brings baby to me to feed and puts him down again. He doesn't always do it, but even a little bit of help like that can make a difference, and I think it also helps make men feel more involved. I'm not sure if that's work for you, but perhaps he could get up on the nights he doesn't have to go to work after?

I honestly think that we underestimate how little some men 'get' babies. I didn't use to think there was any difference between men and women, but now I'm older I do. I think most women instinctively know what to do and can 'read' their babies, whereas most men don't know what to do and often miss what baby needs. My OH can't read our son at all. To him, every cry seems the same. Once I came home to find him glaring at baby and saying "I don't know what on earth's wrong with him. He's been like this all afternoon" The poor thing was sobbing and sobbing (baby not OH!) and it was so obvious he was tired. But that hadn't occurred to OH. He just thought baby was being awkward or fussing.

I think some men need clear instructions, especially about baby's routines. Don't assume anything! Men can be really bad about asking for advice too, so won't ask what to do or say if they're notbsur about something.

Your OH sound like he's trying but maybe isn't quite sure what to do to help.

 

[SarahBear]

Yeah, he's not doing his fair share. Being the working parent does NOT excuse him from caring for the children. Caring for children is a 24/7 job whereas no paying job is that intense. I'm a working parent and my husband is a stay at home dad. My take is that when both parents are present, caring for the children should be fairly evenly split with the working parent perhaps taking a bit more responsibility in order to build and maintain a good relationship with the children. I've had to talk to my husband to get him to understand why splitting the load while I'm home makes sense and for him to understand why he would in fact be doing more housework during the week. We've struck a good balance despite the fact that I wish he kept the house cleaner, but we've had to work through it. If you think about the hours that he's at work, you're working too. So when he comes home, if he's not taking responsibility, you're STILL working and he's getting a break. If he doesn't take responsibility, when do you get a chance to recoup or decompress? If he takes on all of the responsibility when he comes home, the question then becomes, when does HE get to recoup and decompress? This is why I feel responsibility should be shared when both partners are present. If he takes primary responsibility for the kids when you're both around and you support him in that and you give each other breaks, then you both have a chance to spend time with the kids and give each other breaks so no one goes too crazy.

 

[MumToEva]

I don't think you are depressed, you just sound like you are understandably finding 2 kids close in age exhausting, and stuggling with an unsupportive partner. But rather than questioning how much you love him, I'd say you need to have a frank discussion with him about how you feel, and work ou what he can do to support you better. Yes, he can't feed the baby with you breast feeding, but work out what he can do to help instead - can he give you a lie in on certain days, can he do some housework tasks to take the pressure off, how much leisure time is acceptable for him to expect, etc.

It took us a while to find our groove when our eldest was born, and like you I felt resentful - after a while I snapped and said things had to change, and once we put a concrete plan in place for how he could help it changed completely - we agreed tasks that he could take over (emptying the dishwasher every day, Tidying up the kitchen after dinner each evening, etc), plus ways he could let me have a little bit of time to myself to feel human again (getting up 15 minutes earlier on work mornings so I could wash my face / clean my teeth / have a shower / have a hot cup of tea, taking the baby downstairs on weekend mornings so I could get an extra bit of sleep, letting me have a soak in the bath in peace a few nights a week), plus we agreed a set amount / pattern of leisure time for him that we were both happy with (rather than a phone call from work to say by the way, I'm playing football this eve and won't be back till late). Small things in their own right, but made a world of difference to how I felt about him and about our relationship.

Hope you get things sorted soon!

 

[laura109]

it seems to come natural to us mummys doesn't it. seems like people drill it into themselves that they work so why should they do home stuff. then the mum thinks i dont bring in an income so i should do it all. the truth is tho is a baby/child is a 24/7 job and we need help. my partner is no good at dressing etc but he will wash up. i sometimes have to ask. but he usually does it. he tends to forget his daughter would like him to play with her rather than watch tele if im off cleaning. abut frustrating! you do need to tell him how you are feeling. then hopefully he will try and help abit more.

my sil husband is very similar. there daughter is 11 months old and breast fed. she has found it hard aswel. it is hard when you cant pass them to someone else to feed but he could try bathing etc... i wander if they find it harder to bond if they cant join in with feeds. my oh enjoys feeding our little one and said it helped him bond. maybee expressing and asking him to do a feed?

hope you get things sorted xx

 

[DebbieF]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I have to say though, I could have written this post almost word for word! (I have a 22 month old dd and a 6 month old ds) He feels like he goes to work and earns the paycheck therefore he doesn't have to help me much with the kids. He very rarely helps with any housework and I can't even recall the last time he bought me flowers.. I honestly don't think you are depressed, you are just finding it hard to cope with 2 young ones so close in age. If you ever need someone to talk or vent to, please feel free to pm me.

 

[amy8686]

I agree with everything these wise girls have said so far. You're in an unfair situation.

What really helped us, like MumToEva said, was to figure out a plan for leisure time. There are designated times of the day when each of us knows we can do whatever we want while the other one is on baby duty. We also each have a couple of regular things that we do, like band practice, and we've each prioritized down to just the things we really love most. Building those in to both of our schedules, so we know when we will have the downtime to play video games or take a bath or whatnot, really helped alleviate my stress when I was worn out from baby and eliminated any conflict with me asking/nagging my husband to help when he really needed some downtime.

Staying at work late is a hard one that we've struggled with too. We've had many a heart-to-heart about the importance of climbing the career ladder versus being reliably home with the family. There's no easy answer there, but it helps to know that when my husband is late, he wishes he were home and he's making an effort to leave.

The working husbands need to understand that when they are working, we are working too. When we are both home, we should be sharing the workload.

One small thing that has gone over well with my husband is that instead of asking him to do something (which inevitably feels like nagging and makes him reluctant to do it), I offer a choice. "Would you rather give the baby a bath, or clean up from dinner?" It's a trick that works on little kids, but it works just as well on grown men. Then I do whatever option he didn't pick, so we end up both doing productive things at the same time (no resentment like if one person were on the couch), and then we get relaxation time together when the baby is sleeping and the chores are done. It sounds like you and your husband need to have some bigger conversations first, but it's a good trick that might be helpful down the line.

I hope you and your husband can find a good way to communicate about this so you can make some changes. Hang in there.

 

[Indi84]

Hard one because every relationship is different.
Dh works full time on good money, hour driving a day to work and back. But him and ds are best friends, dh does bed and bath every night, and gets up with him on Sat mornings. He also takes him to football lessons on a Sat morning and will often pop him to the park on the weekends. We have legoland passes so he'll take him there often too. I'm a stay at home mum so with ds all week.
When he was newborn we'd take it in turns doing night shifts.
However I've got m.e (chronic fatigue syndrome) and have for the last 15 years in various stages, I relapsed fairly badly when pregnant with ds so I needed the help from day one.
They are tight as anything, total boys club.
We are incredibly tight as a couple, I'll often send him on a night out with his friends or he'll play in the pc while I watch x factor to give him a break. We are very lucky with grandparent help and we often get a weekend off and go for dinner/watch a movie, lie in the next day which really helps.
I couldn't imagine life any other way but then I know many many couples where it doesn't flow add well but are still happy.

 

[winterbabies3]

I agree with others. I have also been there and it's not easy! Since dh has activities he does I think it's only fair you do as well! Even if it's to go take a nap! Men don't seem to do as much as women do with babies, it really is a hard time! Wishing you the best of luck!