Bullying in school.

[Kate&Lucas]

I have a meeting with Lucas's headteacher this week because he's claiming he gets picked on in the playground.

He's in reception and he's been complaining since nursery that the kids in the year above weren't very nice to him. I've mentioned it to the teachers but I've always assumed they weren't nice to anyone, but he got upset last week and told me they're singling him out and turning the rest of his class against him. I've spoken to his friends' parents and the kids have agreed that's what's happening (although Lucas says they're joining in now too).

From what he's said they like to play a fighting game (which I don't understand why they're being allowed to play). He takes part in the game at morning break but at lunchtime the older kids come out and make them go in "teams", which is basically just Lucas on one side against a "team" of around 10 kids. He only told me this last week after I found bruises on his back.
I was pretty shocked because I thought they'd banned fighting games in the playground months ago, but I told him he wasn't to play it again. That day he went in and refused to play, so they all followed him around the yard, hitting him and pushing him over he said the only adults out are the dinnerladies and he's been to them in tears several times but they just tell him not to play with those kids and leave him to it. On Friday he got punched in the nose and I wasn't told about it from the teachers until Monday when I brought it up. In the past he's had a black eye and been pushed into railings and cut his head (I've been told they were isolated incidents as a result of rough playing).

Now I'm at the end of my tether and part heartbroken/part absolutely fuming. I've spoken to his teacher who didn't take it very seriously, told me he takes part in fighting games and is as much to blame as other kids, but that she has never seen what happens at lunchtime. She said she'd speak to the lunch staff but I'm just not impressed. She apparently gave a talk to the class about appropriate behaviour, but I only heard about that from Lucas.

I want to know if others have experienced this and how it was dealt with? I want to be able to go in, level-headed and have an idea of what should be done so I can't be brushed aside. Thanks in advance

 

[lisa1980]

that's horrible

I don't have any experience of this myself as mine are still little but my mum is a retired headteacher at a primary school so I'll pick her brain and let you know what she says.

Hopefully someone will be along soon with first-hand advice.

 

[mum140381]

i would go mad at the school they should have a teacher as well as dinner ladies in the playground that behavior is unacceptable bullying is wrong hugs hun hope you get it sorted i moved my daughter from 1 school as she was bullied but it was a bad school anyway so wanted to move her xx

 

[Jchihuahua]

Poor Lucas . I am shocked the school allows those sort of games to go on. In the school I teach in all play fighting is banned and it just doesn't happen. They are not taking your concerns very seriously by the sound of it. I would list all the incidents you are aware of to take with you for the meeting with the head and also look on their website to see if they have an anti bullying policy on there to read before your meeting so they can see you are absolutely serious. If there isn't one on there then request one in your meeting. I would tell them you will be writing to the governors if action isn't taken.

 

[Lief]

This is one of the things I'm absolutely DREADING about Nico starting school. It's so hard when you know your child is upset and being bullied but everybody at the school seems to just brush it off.

I really hope it's sorted out, maybe when you go to talk about it you can ask the school if they could get a policeman or some similar person of authority to give a talk about appropriate behavior?

 

[Kate&Lucas]

Thanks so much for the replies. You'd be surprised how good it feels to see it recognised as a legitimate concern, I've been feeling as if I'm blowing things all out of proportion.

Honestly the fighting thing shocked me too, I thought it wasn't allowed. It's rare that I get any information from Lucas about his day but we've started setting aside time of an evening to talk about it, and he talks so matter-of-factly about fighting I think it's an every day occurrence.
His teacher said the boys all rush to one side of the yard at break time and start pushing each other over I asked what the staff did to stop them and she said "when it gets too much" they try to distract them with activities and separate them from each other. What? Surely as soon as it happens is when it's too much! It was straight after speaking to her that I arranged to meet with the head, her approach is just far too soft.

There's not an anti-bullying policy on their website (tbh their website is almost entirely copied and pasted from another school's website - they forgot to amend the school name when they lifted it) so I will ask while I'm there. Listing incidents is a great idea, I tend to lose my point a lot when it comes to things like this.. plus the fact I can't talk about it without getting upset

Lief honestly it was my worst fear, I can't believe it's something I'm dealing with, especially at age 5. I hope your LO has a better time starting.

mum140381 how did your LO cope with the school move, if you don't mind me asking? We've discussed moving out of the area in the next couple of years, partly to give Lucas the chance to go to a better school (this school is bad, but so are the others in this area). My trouble is that since starting reception class he's lost his confidence entirely. I can't even take him to the park anymore because he doesn't like being around other kids incase they don't like him, and he panicked and cried when I told him I was going to take him on a Butlins holiday a few months back - we ended up staying on a secluded farm somewhere because he got so upset at the idea of strange kids.
I'm worried that if we did go down the route of changing schools, he just wouldn't handle it.

 

[lindseymw]

I would be absolutely furious at the way the school is handling it.

There was two incidents involving Joshua when he was in reception. Each time, we were informed by the teacher that day. The two incidents were:
1. Ran at with a skipping rope, tripped over and smacked his head on the floor. This resulted in a stone lodged in his forehead for a few days - we had to pick him to take him to hospital.
2. Skipping rope wrapped around his neck. The Teacher rang us when we got home as she missed us at pick up time.

Action was also taken by the School. Talks to the children regarding bullying, more staff at dinnertime and banning skipping ropes.

We requested a meeting with the Head who put us at ease and also invited us to come into the School at dinnertime so we can see what happens in the playground.

 

[Cattia]

So sorry that you are dealing with this, it must be incredible upsetting. I too would be deeply unhappy about the way the school are dealing with it and if you don't get a satisfactory outcome from your meeting with the head, then I would also consider contacting the governors. I think you should stress to the head the impact that this is having on him outside of school too, and politely point out that the school have a duty to keep your son safe and that they are not successfully doing this - it's one of the key criteria for OFSTED and they would be penalised for not achieving it so definitely worth mentioning. I don't put much value in the judgements of OFSTED but one of the key strengths in the inspection report for DD's school was the low incidence of bullying and the robust way that any cases were dealt with, also the caring ethos of the school. It's something you can look out for if you decide to choose a different school for him.

 

[zorak]

I'm a former teacher and this just wouldn't be tolerated in any of the schools I've worked in. The norm alwaya was that classroom assistants were out at all break times and the head or deputy Head would also patrol when available.

Contact games were simply not allowed.

Please take a stand with the school. This is absolutely not acceptable and it sounds like his teacher needs a kick up the arse.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

This would not happen while I was out at lunch at all. I am sorry you are dealing with this

 

[Kate&Lucas]

Okay I've got some great things written down, thanks tons
I seems like they need a good shake up, other schools seem to be an awful lot better at dealing with things.
I meet with her later today after school is closed so I think I can say now what I expect her to do about it.
The OFSTED thing is a good point tbh, they've had some bad reports from OFSTED in the past couple of years and this headteacher was brought in last September to improve things. I'm hoping this means she takes it seriously and doesn't treat it like childish squabbling as his teacher does. But it has occurred to me that I've never met the woman and I've no idea what she even looks like - she doesn't take much of an active role in the day-to-day of the school.

We also get to meet the teachers for the new term tomorrow morning, I feel like I should probably mention this to him/her?

 

[mum140381]

sorry for the late reply mine where yr 1 and yr 3 when we moved schools they settled in really well better than i thought they would they love there new school sometimes you just have to do what your gut tells you as a mum xx

 

[teal]

Sorry you're having to deal with this I hope your meeting went well x

 

[Jchihuahua]

How did your meeting go? x

 

[Kate&Lucas]

It went okay..ish.
I met with the assistant head at first who's lovely, she teaches Lucas on Wednesdays apparently so she knows him pretty well. I got it out of Lucas that there's basically one yr1 boy who's the 'ringleader' who winds all the other kids up to pick on him. She arranged for Lucas and the boy to sit down together on Friday and talk about it. He came out of school really happy - he didn't say a lot but the assistant head left me a voicemail to say they'd explained how upset he was getting and they'd left it on friendly terms.
She's arranging for him to join the school's mentoring program to help with the social anxiety but she said he's absolutely nothing like that in class, she thinks he's being singled out purely because he's so outspoken and refuses to be bossed around.

The head didn't come in until we'd almost discussed everything but she said they don't see what's happening as bullying and that "sometimes you need to let them deal with things on their own". I politely told her that I don't agree whatsoever, that this isn't one of those occasions. She refused to acknowledge that fighting is allowed (or that is teacher had admitted it goes on) but she didn't seem to think it was worth much discussion. I was really unimpressed with her attitude tbh. I sort of don't want to rock the boat while Lucas seems happy though

 

[Eve]

My son (12) has been bullied at school most of his life so far. He has Aspergers, ODD, non-verbal learning disability etc... but to the school kids, he's fair game. He's excluded and has come home with his new coat ripped, mio drink stuff all over him etc and the school just shrugs it off. It's heartbreaking and I've even thought of trying to home-school him because of it. My advice is do not back down with the school and be sure to let them know you will take it to the media if they continue make light of the situation. So sorry you and your LO are going through this

 

[.Mrs.B.]

It went okay..ish.
I met with the assistant head at first who's lovely, she teaches Lucas on Wednesdays apparently so she knows him pretty well. I got it out of Lucas that there's basically one yr1 boy who's the 'ringleader' who winds all the other kids up to pick on him. She arranged for Lucas and the boy to sit down together on Friday and talk about it. He came out of school really happy - he didn't say a lot but the assistant head left me a voicemail to say they'd explained how upset he was getting and they'd left it on friendly terms.
She's arranging for him to join the school's mentoring program to help with the social anxiety but she said he's absolutely nothing like that in class, she thinks he's being singled out purely because he's so outspoken and refuses to be bossed around.

The head didn't come in until we'd almost discussed everything but she said they don't see what's happening as bullying and that "sometimes you need to let them deal with things on their own". I politely told her that I don't agree whatsoever, that this isn't one of those occasions. She refused to acknowledge that fighting is allowed (or that is teacher had admitted it goes on) but she didn't seem to think it was worth much discussion. I was really unimpressed with her attitude tbh. I sort of don't want to rock the boat while Lucas seems happy though

I'm glad you put her straight because that is absolutely not for her to decide. Bullying can come in many forms and if your son does not want to be treated this way then it is bullying. That would really upset me to know that someone with that opinion was the head teacher, she should know better than that. I hope things improve for Lucas.

 

[Tasha]

I'm glad you had the meeting and hope that things improve. My oldest daughter was bullied when she was six, the school knew she was thrown to the floor and kicked, that she hid every lunch time, that she was physically hurt many times, that she was threatened etc but they never told me. When I found out, we had numerous meetings and they refused to accept it was an issue. It got to the point that I hated leaving her there, I didn't trust them at all so we moved schools. Her confidence was very low when she started but now she is confident, happy and says her best friend is the whole class, I mentioned this to her teacher and she agreed that every body loves Naomi. It also meant her academic side has come on leaps and bounds plus she is now in the school choir, dance squad etc etc. She is a changed girl. I've only written this so that if you do need to change schools, you know it can be the best thing!

 

[Kate&Lucas]

My son (12) has been bullied at school most of his life so far. He has Aspergers, ODD, non-verbal learning disability etc... but to the school kids, he's fair game. He's excluded and has come home with his new coat ripped, mio drink stuff all over him etc and the school just shrugs it off. It's heartbreaking and I've even thought of trying to home-school him because of it. My advice is do not back down with the school and be sure to let them know you will take it to the media if they continue make light of the situation. So sorry you and your LO are going through this

Oh my gosh your poor son I hope things get better for him. Kids can be absolutely horrible sometimes

It went okay..ish.
I met with the assistant head at first who's lovely, she teaches Lucas on Wednesdays apparently so she knows him pretty well. I got it out of Lucas that there's basically one yr1 boy who's the 'ringleader' who winds all the other kids up to pick on him. She arranged for Lucas and the boy to sit down together on Friday and talk about it. He came out of school really happy - he didn't say a lot but the assistant head left me a voicemail to say they'd explained how upset he was getting and they'd left it on friendly terms.
She's arranging for him to join the school's mentoring program to help with the social anxiety but she said he's absolutely nothing like that in class, she thinks he's being singled out purely because he's so outspoken and refuses to be bossed around.

The head didn't come in until we'd almost discussed everything but she said they don't see what's happening as bullying and that "sometimes you need to let them deal with things on their own". I politely told her that I don't agree whatsoever, that this isn't one of those occasions. She refused to acknowledge that fighting is allowed (or that is teacher had admitted it goes on) but she didn't seem to think it was worth much discussion. I was really unimpressed with her attitude tbh. I sort of don't want to rock the boat while Lucas seems happy though

I'm glad you put her straight because that is absolutely not for her to decide. Bullying can come in many forms and if your son does not want to be treated this way then it is bullying. That would really upset me to know that someone with that opinion was the head teacher, she should know better than that. I hope things improve for Lucas.

Thanks. She had me feeling like I was crazy tbh for even calling a meeting over it. What an idiot.

I'm glad you had the meeting and hope that things improve. My oldest daughter was bullied when she was six, the school knew she was thrown to the floor and kicked, that she hid every lunch time, that she was physically hurt many times, that she was threatened etc but they never told me. When I found out, we had numerous meetings and they refused to accept it was an issue. It got to the point that I hated leaving her there, I didn't trust them at all so we moved schools. Her confidence was very low when she started but now she is confident, happy and says her best friend is the whole class, I mentioned this to her teacher and she agreed that every body loves Naomi. It also meant her academic side has come on leaps and bounds plus she is now in the school choir, dance squad etc etc. She is a changed girl. I've only written this so that if you do need to change schools, you know it can be the best thing!

Jesus! What an awful school. I don't know how people can see a little one so distressed and just ignore it, all for what, their image? SO glad she's doing better in a new school, that fills me with a lot of confidence aswell.
*Touch wood* things have improved a lot. Lucas seems less withdrawn at home, though he's still terrified of other kids but that'll take more time I guess. He keeps talking about how people who used to upset him have started to be nice to him, I just hope this is the direction it's going in. Fingers crossed.

 

[Tasha]

That's fabulous news! I'm so pleased. Hopefully it continues. Play therapy is wonderful as a release, the school or GP would be able to sort it xx