Can anyone offer reassurance?

[gryphongrl]

I just had the conversation with my mom (over the phone as she is about 1000 miles away), explaining that we (DH and I) think it's best if she comes to see the baby immediately after the birth, instead of during the birth.

We are having a homebirth, and she's not comfortable with the idea and has not been 100% supportive with comments like, "I'll call 911 faster than anyone if anything goes wrong" (can you imagine the EMTs showing up and your mom letting them in?) and "you're going to want an epidural" (not the kind of support I'll need), and in response to me explaining that I was looking forward to seeing the gender for myself, she said, "what's the difference if I announce it, you're going to find out either way". Also, we subscribe to the whole school of thought about keeping vibes nice, and she makes me uptight. For instance, I've never seen my mom without her clothes on. Not in any memory, ever. Not even to this day will she change in front of me, which makes me feel really weird about birthing in front of her let alone imagining how DH might have to "stimulate the nipples" or something to get some oxytocin flowing.

Anyway, regardless of all this, I HATED hearing the disappointment in her voice. It was terrible and I feel like a bad daughter. I know if any other future-mama was in the same situation, I'd tell her, "your birth, do what's best for you". Well, just typing this out has helped, actually. If anyone has any feedback about how this might have played out in your family (or reassurances!) I'd love to hear it.

 

[MindUtopia]

This is maybe slightly different because I'm guessing your mom lives close to you and wouldn't be staying with you before, during and after the birth, but I can tell you about what I did. My mom initially wanted to be here for the birth, but she lives in the U.S. and obviously we're in the UK. The logistics of that are, as you can imagine, kinda complicated, and would pretty much involve her coming and staying with us (despite the fact that we no longer have a guest room) for about a month. She said she'd be fine to sleep on the sofa (in the lounge, where I plan to birth!). I don't really want to be stressing about whether or not we'll be able to get her from the airport, where she'll be sleeping, whether her stuff is in the way of where I need to set up the birth pool, etc. around the time I'm getting ready to have my baby. Nor do I want any extra people around during my birth, besides my husband and doula, and the midwives. Our lounge isn't exactly huge. And honestly, even if she were close by, I would love for her to come by after the birth, but it would still be way too much during. She isn't uptight so much, but she is really emotional and would be crying and a wreck, and that wouldn't be good for my birthy vibes! So basically, what I stressed from fairly early on in my pregnancy when it first came up was how much I wanted a really quiet, relaxed birth and really wanted to not have a lot of people there or too much to think about leading up to that day. She knows I'm kinda a stress case about house guests. I feel the need to do a lot of preparation and make special plans and cook special meals and plan trips for us and pick people up personally from the airport or train station. That's just how I've always been. So I really emphasized how I wanted to not only have a relaxed birth, but be in a place myself to really enjoy introducing our baby to her and get to spend time with her too (we only see each other 2-3 times a year unfortunately). I don't think I could handle the work of house guests and a new baby all in the same week. This approach worked really well. She still mentioned a couple times trying to plan so she would just happen to be here when I went into labour, but eventually we just kinda re-directed her, emphasizing the same things again and again, to being excited about coming a few weeks later once we were more settled.

Now I know that's not the same thing because it doesn't sound like your mom is staying with you, just wanting to come for the birth. But I would maybe emphasize that you've talked with your midwife and together you've decided that the best thing for you is to have as few people actually present as possible. You could educate her a bit about how too many distractions in the room can be stressful for moms (despite what all those movies and tv shows show, with 10 people crowded around a birthing mom), and that it's healthiest for baby and you to not have so many distractions. You could even go as far as to say that your midwife advised you not to have anyone else but your husband. But I'd also emphasize how much you actually want to share in the moment of her meeting and bonding with her new grandchild, and you want to be settled, not thinking about medical stuff, when you do that. So it's best to have her come a little bit later, once baby is born, you've started nursing if you choose to, and the placenta is out. That way, it will be more special for all of you and she'll actually be able to hold baby once the midwife's assessments are all done. You might even want to think about giving her a special 'job' to do. Like bringing you something you'll need (a meal or a special birthday cake for baby) so she has a role to play that doesn't require her to be there for the birth but is still really special. We want to have a 'baby welcoming' party a few weeks after our baby arrives when we can introduce baby to extended family and close friends (kinda like a baby shower, but for the baby, not for me). I really wanted my mom to be there for that and to help us plan and set up, so that gave her a special role to play and also a reason for coming after the birth, rather than for it. Besides all that (which is a lot), also just give it some time. I think time to mull it over and get used to the idea really helped my mom get excited about when she could come.

 

[jamhs]

I agree with above^^ my mom wanted to come for the birth, but I said it would be nicer for me if she came after my dh went back to work because that is when I am going to need her help the most and it would also allow her more time with me and the baby. She was disappointed at first, but is now looking forward to being able to spend quality time with us instead.

 

[gryphongrl]

My mom would indeed have to fly here and stay with us during our homebirth. MindUtopia, yes I think it is legit to tell her that is what the midwife suggested (that's a good idea) as my midwife did talk it over with me and agrees that the tightly wound vibe could actually affect birth. I'll suggest that once the baby is out, and everyone is found to be healthy, she gets a flight the next day to come see us (she's in Las Vegas so she can pick up a flight at anytime for not much money). Like you with your mom, I only see her 2-3 times a year, more often since I've been pregnant but still not very often and not often enough that we have actually sat down and discussed these plans in person. I should be clear with her that my birth plan was decided out of many meetings with the midwife and DH and our plans are what is best for us, not based on hurting anyone's feelings.
Jamhs, I agree that it would be better for my mom to make a more significant trip to stay, after DH goes back to work. Did you do this with your other child and did it go well?

 

[rachiedata]

Definitely ask her to stay after the birth, be straight with her and tell her you want to keep it private for DH and yourself - when any over-enthusiastic parents have tried to muscle in on our family time, I usually ask if their parents would have been welcome if they'd done the same... eg. last Christmas OH's parents wanted us to stay over and we wanted to stay at home, just us three, for our son's first Christmas. MIL understood a lot better when we asked how she would feel if her MIL had insisted she do the same after for my OH's first Christmas. Obviously won't work if she is very close to your grandmother! Explain that you would just be so grateful for her help when OH is tiny, remind her how demanding newborns are and hopefully she will remember sufficiently to accept your invitation to stay later and forget about being there for the birth. She will hopefully relish being chief cook, cleaner and relief when you need a nap!

 

[jamhs]

My mom would indeed have to fly here and stay with us during our homebirth. MindUtopia, yes I think it is legit to tell her that is what the midwife suggested (that's a good idea) as my midwife did talk it over with me and agrees that the tightly wound vibe could actually affect birth. I'll suggest that once the baby is out, and everyone is found to be healthy, she gets a flight the next day to come see us (she's in Las Vegas so she can pick up a flight at anytime for not much money). Like you with your mom, I only see her 2-3 times a year, more often since I've been pregnant but still not very often and not often enough that we have actually sat down and discussed these plans in person. I should be clear with her that my birth plan was decided out of many meetings with the midwife and DH and our plans are what is best for us, not based on hurting anyone's feelings.
Jamhs, I agree that it would be better for my mom to make a more significant trip to stay, after DH goes back to work. Did you do this with your other child and did it go well?

It did work well! We were able to go out sight seeing, have family photos, and have his baby blessing(like naming ceremony or christening) while she was here- all of which wouldn't have happened if she had come early or for the birth. Plus, my first was 11 days late, so if she would have come for the birth she could have missed it or had to leave not long after his birth and that would have upset her more I think.

 

[chattyB]

I've had to tell my mum that she's not welcome at the birth also ... I was fine with her wanting to be there when baby made his appearance, until she started with how a home birth is "dangerous" and she'll be having words with the midwives to transfer me to hospital if she thinks i'm not coping or we get scared.

It's taken much discussion to convince OH that a home birth is the right path for me and he still struggles with the idea occasionally - my main aim at the moment is to prepare him to stay calm, keep me focused and be present to fully support me, regardless of how uncomfortable i might appear in labour .... My mum being there would just be throwing petrol at a naked flame and i would end up feeling bullied into having a medicalised birth. I don't intend to even let her know i'm in labour but she'll be the first person i'll phone when baby arrives

 

[madasa]

You are a GREAT daughter. You do not owe anyone ANYTHING. I am sorry your mother has not been more supportive of you xx

 

[gryphongrl]

You are a GREAT daughter. You do not owe anyone ANYTHING. I am sorry your mother has not been more supportive of you xx

aww, Thank you!

 

[Feronia]

Looks like the two of us are in a similar situation! I live 2,000 miles away from my mom (who is in the US) and she kind of invited herself to be here for my homebirth... For her own births, she had inductions, epidurals, internal monitoring, episiotomy, vacuum extraction, forceps, basically the whole nine yards minus c-sections, and she's of the opinion that these things are necessary and that I should just give birth in a hospital with an epidural like she did. Like you, this is obviously not the kind of feedback I'd like during a planned natural homebirth!

On top of that, we live in a 1-bedroom apartment and she would have to sleep on the couch in the living room where I'm setting up the birth tub. I finally had to break it to her that I didn't want her here for my labour and birth and just wanted DH and the midwives. She brushed me off saying "you won't care who is there when you're in labour," and then she ignored me for a couple of weeks when I let her know that I was serious.

For now, the plan is that she'll stay here until it looks like I'll go into labour soon and then she'll check herself into a hostel or hotel room. I'm not trusting her to actually leave, so I spoke with my midwives and they actually have this "code" system for stubborn mothers like mine since it happens all the time! The midwives assured me that they'll make up some sort of medical reason for needing her to leave so I won't have to deal with her myself. Fingers crossed it works out...

You're definitely not a bad daughter for speaking up about your wishes! You need to do what's best to have the most comfortable labour, and I'm sure she'll get over the disappointment immediately when she holds her new grandchild.

 

[gryphongrl]

She brushed me off saying "you won't care who is there when you're in labour," and then she ignored me for a couple of weeks when I let her know that I was serious.

Good grief, our moms have a lot in common. That's a excellent point that the midwives have probably dealt with this before and have no problem telling someone to go to another location.

So I did have the conversation, it was awful but I thought she was okay with it as it hadn't come up again, then when I was talking to her yesterday she made a crack about the baby asking "where's my grandma?" and she said I'd need to tell the baby, "I didn't let her be here to meet you".

Soooo yes I believe I have made the right choice!

 

[aliss]

I went through this last week (my mom lives 5000km away and flew in, she was here for the HB). She didn't support HB but she also respected that it was my choice so I kind of lucked out with that.

I will say that being present in the home (not at the birth, but with my toddler upstairs) and even with a short (3 hour) hospital transfer at pushing, actually made her understand and respect the choice. The midwives are VERY stern about not allowing people to bully them when they are doing their jobs (I also had a doula, which if you are interested in, might be a help too).

 

[madasa]

I am so luck with my mum and MIL. You did very well not telling her to eff off with that atrocious attitude!!