Can I join you..I don't fit in anywhere else :-(

[Happy happy]

Hello Ladies!!
A little background : I'm 27 and have a DH and a 2.5yr old daughter. We had been ttc a sibling for our daughter for 2 years on christmas Eve.
We had a mmc in October, found out at my 12 week scan after seeing the hb at 8 weeks .. I nearly lost my life due to blood loss as my body wouldn't pass the foetus .. but I still wanted a rainbow so a month last we started ttc again.
I feel pregnant around what would have been babies due date so I felt it was our rainbow and blessing from our baby we lost .. got to the 12 week scan and was a bag of nerves .. Our baby was perfect and we saw baby kicking around and having a ball!! Everything was amazing .. until our 20 week scan.
On September 12th my world fell apart .. after a very in depth and long scan I was told there was something wrong with my baby .. We had a 3D scan there and then amd they confirmed there were indicators of Spina Bifida but they couldn't see to what extent.
We were given the option to terminate there and then but I just couldn't do it, knowing what we had been through to get to this point, we opted to see a specialist at St Marys in Manchester.
4 long days later we went to see the top specialist at the hospital ... The diagnosis couldn't have been any worse .. It was one of the worst cases of Spina Bifida he had seen in a long time and basically our baby had no chance.
To this day I feel racked with guilt but, after hearing the prognosis, it took me seconds to make the decision to end the pregnancy
On September 19th at 4:39am I gave birth to a baby boy..he weighed just under half a lb and was beautiful. He had his sisters nose and was already 24cm long!!
I've cried every day since but I still wanted another baby so we decided, after speaking to a consultant, to try again.
So Christmas Eve 2014 I woke my DH up at 5:30am with a clear blue digital saying 'pregnant 1-2' !!
I thought I'd be over joyed .. I'm happy .. but just can't get excited. I just want to cry. I'm so very worried and haven't even booked in with my midwife yet as I can't face going over my 'history' and seeing the little green sticker on my notes (informing people I've had a 'stillbirth').
I hope it'll get easier but I fear it won't .. at least until we get to 20 weeks and, hopefully, get the all clear.
Sorry for the essay!!
Danielle xoxo

 

[chistiana]

Hi Danielle. Firstly let me say I m so very sorry about your losses. I ve had 3 mcs myself but I cannot even imagine what it's like to have to take this decision despite knowing it was what's best for your little boy. We went through a bad NT scan scare with this pg and I can honestly say the 10 days we waited for the generic testing to come back were the more stressful days of my life to this day. I totally get you on not being able to feel as excited. I feel this is my rainbow, I want my little girl to be safe in my arms but I keep myself from being overly excited or hopeful in case something goes wrong. And I did this with my daughter as well and when she was born I felt so sad to have 'lost' the whole journey that I promised if I was ever pg again I would enjoy it. But it's impossible not to think about the what ifs. I know what I m saying might not be any help but I just wanted to tell you that it's normal, and wish that we can hopefully get to that point where we can enjoy our pg! Congratulations on your pg and hopefully we can share a wonderful journey. Pm me if you need to talk.

 

[Happy happy]

Chistiana - Aww that's still so sad ( I'm very sorry. Aww thank you so much, it's so good to know im not on my own..its obvious from this forum there are far too many of us in similar circumstances. I've totally convinced myself I'm not pregnant anymore as I just don't feel like I am at all .. dying to take my last CB Digital but promised myself ill wait until I'm 6 weeks (on 8th) to take it ... pfft xx

 

[chistiana]

Pls try not to convince yourself anything...you re pg and the absence of symptoms means absolutely nothing...I cannot even count the number of times I researched online "x weeks pg no symptoms"! When I got my bfp this time round I went to a homeopath to talk about a treatment plan about my anxiety over pg. She told me tis and for me at least it helped...there is stress and there's anxiety...stress is so something true..something has happened you know it and you're stressed about it...it actually truly affects your body n balance...then there's anxiety..it's not real..it's based on what if scenarios...BUT anxiety can actually increase your stress levels so it can actually harm you/your baby. So as of that moment every time I start feeling anxious about things (why is she not kicking, why is my belly feeling weird today, why is my belly not feeling weird today...???) I try to remind myself these are scenarios, I know nothing and until something actually goes wrong (God forbid) I have no right to stress about it. am I making sense or sounding a bit of a lunatic? Just talk to your babe and tell it to hang in there tight. Hugs