Can I say I won't allow my kids in ex's gf's car?

[baileybubs]

Hi there,

Basically my ex can't drive and I'd never say his gf can't spend time with my kids but she's 18 and only been driving 6 months, if he was to say she was picking them up to take them to his house it would mean driving on the motorway and I just don't like that idea!! If it were someone who has been driving longer like his parents or brothers then I'd be fine, but I just don't feel comfortable with it, can I say I don't want it happening?

He hasn't asked for this its just that he might do and I know that once they are with him I can't dictate what he does with them but can I say I don't want his gf to be picking them up from my house and driving down the motorway with them?

TIA

 

[alibaba24]

I think you probably can. At the end of the day you can refuse to put them in the car. what about looking for a compromise If this comes up. could you drop them off and pick them up? I would approach this one carefully as you may end up causing bad feeling although I can understand why your nervous putting your kids with an inexperienced driver x

 

[daneuse27]

I think it depends what kind of custody arrangements you have. If he has the kids 50/50, he might have the right to call all the shots when they're with them, just like you do when they're with you. I'm sure you could always make a request, and hopefully he would be respectful of your concerns.

To be honest though, I don't think experience means a whole lot with driving. Paying attention and giving the wheel and road your complete focus is what leads to a safe drive IMO; not your number of years on the road. I think people are usually more careful at the beginning of their driving career and are more likely to gradually neglect their skills and habits as they get more comfortable with it. People with decades of experience often say that if they were to go be tested on their driving now, they would likely fail due to poor habits developed. I can completely understand being as careful as possible, and don't blame you at all - just my 2 cents worth.

 

[baileybubs]

The dropping them off idea is what we originally did but due to him constantly letting me and the kids down, him not giving me any petrol money and just being lazy ive ended up having to say that I can't keep helping him out when he just keeps letting us down.

And he only has the kids for 4 hours a week (his choice not mine) so definately nowhere near 50:50. I think my main concern is that his gf is only 18 and although age shouldn't matter I just don't feel right putting my kids in a car that's going on the motorway with an 18 year old driver who's only been driving 6 months. i know how distracting it can be when they are crying and im trying to concentrate on driving and I've been driving a while. Saying that I do get that people tend to be more conscientious when ghey first pass their test when it comes to driving, but I also know myself how many silly mistakes can be made as a new driver!! It's a tough one as im trying not to be petty but the thought of them in the car on the motorway with a) such a young driver b) such an inexperienced driver and c) a driver ive never even met!

 

[Mummy1995]

I would say yes you could refuse and just not put them in. But age etc wouldn't be an issue for me. I was learning when I was 18 and had DD in the back lol! But i do understand how you feel, theres a very select few I would allow to drive DD (especially when im not there) regardless of age and experience but just not something i feel comfortable with. X

 

[daneuse27]

After reading your other thread, my view on this one has changed a lot. Your ex doesn't sound reliable and having never met his girlfriend, I wouldn't feel comfortable with the situation either. It sounds like they've really rushed their relationship and his priorities are in the wrong order.

If everything else was fine (he was supporting you as he should be, and he got on his feet before starting a new relationship and eased into it slowly) I would be hesitant to have a problem with solely her age/driving experience alone. Now that I see more of the picture, I can understand better why you wouldn't feel comfortable.

 

[baileybubs]

Thanks ladies, I guess in context it makes more sense doesn't it? But I don't want it to be seen that I am doing it just to be petty or anything. The likelihood is that he won't even pick the kids up anyway, he probably still thinks I will give in and allow him to have them at my house but I'm not doing him any more favours.

I guess age doesn't matter really to be honest, I only learned to drive at 30 when I was pregnant with dd and I made my fair share of mistakes when I first passed too! I just think when it's your own kids in the car it's easier to deal with the crying etc and just ignore them, whereas I think it would be harder for a young girl who doesn't have much experience with kids and is fairly new to driving as well.
I have told him that he will need to buy car seats as well because I don't want to lend him mine, if he does have a bump in the car or they get damaged somehow then he won't replace mine I know he won't. Plus you really need to buy car seats that are suitable for the car, mine might be too big for someone else's car. Does that make sense? Again I don't want to sound like I am being petty but why should I have to pay to provide everything?

 

[daneuse27]

Thanks ladies, I guess in context it makes more sense doesn't it? But I don't want it to be seen that I am doing it just to be petty or anything. The likelihood is that he won't even pick the kids up anyway, he probably still thinks I will give in and allow him to have them at my house but I'm not doing him any more favours.

I guess age doesn't matter really to be honest, I only learned to drive at 30 when I was pregnant with dd and I made my fair share of mistakes when I first passed too! I just think when it's your own kids in the car it's easier to deal with the crying etc and just ignore them, whereas I think it would be harder for a young girl who doesn't have much experience with kids and is fairly new to driving as well.
I have told him that he will need to buy car seats as well because I don't want to lend him mine, if he does have a bump in the car or they get damaged somehow then he won't replace mine I know he won't. Plus you really need to buy car seats that are suitable for the car, mine might be too big for someone else's car. Does that make sense? Again I don't want to sound like I am being petty but why should I have to pay to provide everything?

You don't sound petty at all. You sound like someone who expects the other parent to be responsible, reliable and dedicated to being a good father to the kids - and these days he hasn't been meeting that expectation. I don't feel like your wanting these things makes you petty, its you trying to protect your kids and keep them out of a situation that doesn't seem perfectly stable. If your ex had been with this girl for years, you knew her already, and she was responsible and level-headed, I would say don't focus on just her age. But you haven't met her, know nothing about her AND they've drastically rushed the relationship. You have no reason to feel comfortable with it and you're the only one thinking like an adult for your children. Your ex needs to grow up