Can't be strong all the time...

[Ten]

I understand just how you feel... every AF feels like another miscarriage, and it's impossible not to look at pregnant women and maternity things without thinking how that should've been you.

I know what you mean about the nursery, too - we have the crib, the wardrobe, the rocking chair... everything set up and waiting for the little girl who never got to sleep in there. I keep walking in there and thinking how a little person should be looking back at me from that big, beautiful crib her grandparents bought her.

On Facebook I ran across a picture a friend took with me in it three days before we lost our daughter. I looked so happy - I just put my head down on my desk and cried.

So never think you're alone, and never think you're a bitch. You're a woman with hopes, dreams, and sorrows - and every right to her emotions. The outside world wants us to be strong all the time because they don't like thinking of our losses. I say too bad! If we had an 8-year-old child hit by a truck, no one would expect that! Losing a baby before it's born is still losing a baby, and you're right - we can't be strong all the time. Nor should we be expected to be.

 

[padbrat]

Ten .... you are bang on right!

NATO... with you on the spots and wrinkes...also have massive dark rings and bags under the eyes... not a pretty sight!

Whyme... dunno about you, but I am breaking out the wine at the weekend... sometimes a blow out can help ease the pain...

 

[kybaby]

Hugs to all you lovely ladies

 

[NatoPMT]

yeah lets all wallow, im up for a wallow. wheres sydd and her hippo avatar when you need her.

The appearance of the witch (AF) does hammer the loss home every month though. I know BFP may take a while - this was the first month I felt ready to try, although not whole heartedly, even so AF arriving is disappointing and the thought of feeling this disappointed for the next X months is crappy prospect....

ahh bebe, i know. are you going to try fully or stay with the NTNP this month? you have to be ready, but that balance between working to get what you want and staying sane is a very fine balance indeed. i dont want you to not try to the point that af arrival overrides the pma you usually have though - but then again, you might need the af to arrive a few times to get you past the comfort zone that not having the worry about being pregnant that is created after a loss. im kinda in a zone where im happy im not because being BFP would scare the crap outta me, but not having had more than 1 af, im not yet worried that im not bfp. if you get me.

yes paddy, whats with the dark circles? i have a fine pair on me.

 

[padbrat]

Yay... more people to wallow with me... step right in NATO, the mud is lovely and warm... plus is meant to be good for the skin and I need all the help I can get...

Have decided that m/cing is not good for my appearence... so best not do it again eh! LOL
And if your circles are as bad as mine NATO best you don't do it again either!

totally agree with NATO hun. It is too easy to get obsessed with pregnancy, especially when we have been through what we all have... don't let it ruin your life, but don't regret not doing what you want to... see, NATO was right, it is the trickiest balancing act!

 

[NatoPMT]

hahaha

oo now you are being a temptress, mud + a face like a crimewatch photofit = cant resist

we could have a dark circle off. I bet i would win. I am a winner in this category.

 

[padbrat]

Moi? A Temptress? LMAO NATO!!!

You know you wanna jump in....!!!

Well if you are game for a circle off I aint gonna back off.....

My circles are sooo bad I give a new meaning to panda eyes!

 

[whyme]

Thank you soo much for all you replies, its been good to talk to you as you understand - noone else can appreciate how I feel, You girls have helped me soo much, thank you.
Am away at wedding this weekend, so won't be around for a few days, so please don't think I have gone off to wallow!

- defo be a lot of wine going down tho Padbrat!

Nato, the clearblue Ovulation sticks arrived in the post today today!! Inspite of what I had previously said......

And the ruddy zit is coming on nicely!! Quite a nice accessory to the outfit, I feel. First time in ages I get to dress up and massive spot erupts!!

Catch up soon xx

 

[padbrat]

Whyme, enjoy the wedding.. and we will raise a glass to our angels and smile that we had them, if only for a short time xx

 

[whyme]

Hi girls,well I went to the wedding and it was beautiful, but I am getting really worried with how I feel.

OH was shocked when I burst ino tears after the weekend and told him, I had spent the whole time, stomach churning, nervous wreck. I was obviously a good actress, he said I was chatty and interacting well with everyone and the photos do show this.
However, I feel crap. For a start,I was full flow AF, which just hammers home the loss. I couldn't help thinking how I would have been five months pg, my original (maternity) outfit left hanging in the wardrobe. I didn't know many people as it was OH friends wedding and whilst everyone was very welcoming, I just felt out of my comfort zone, all confidence gone, thinking that noone really liked me, blah blah.
Everyone loved our DS who stole the show, but one lady asked if he was my first, was I having anymore.blah blah.... I smiled sweetly, told her very briefly about my loss and almost apologised to her as she was very embarassed, all the while totally gutted.
I went into work today, one of my colleagues asked if I was ok, as I have seemed a bit quiet/down ( hello!!!!), I said I was just dealing with things, and going through the grieving process and then she said, oh and seeing lucy pg won't help then - apparently lucy one of our colleagues is pg. My friends at work were worried how to tell me, well I know now!! So like many, I now have to face a "growing bump" everyday. I want to be happy for her, and I am, I just want my baby back. I know this may seem really nasty, I can't even go and congratulate her at the moment, seeing as I haven't heard directly from her and I feel so low, I just don't want to face it. I don't want special treatment as such, but I do feel it would be decent of her to tell me face to face, knowing the circumstances - I know I probably sound like a bratt, but how I feel.

I spoke to my friend, who has been through several losses and told her how I am just a Jangling mess at the moment, I feel like a bag of nerves, can't concentrate, could cry at the drop of a hat, have lost all my confidence. She said that is totally normal. She did suggest a visit to the docs for maybe some medication. I don't feel that is an option at the moment in view of TTC and I don't feel this is depression , just heartbreak.

On the subject of TTC, well, I couldn't help but feel some disappointment at AF arrival and am worried at the prospect of xx months ahead and the same disappointment after each two week wait.

I am a garbled mess - I seem to be getting worse as the time goes on. I am very worried about my feelings, I just seem to paralysed with dispair and hopelessness and above all incredibly lonely in this. I am considering counselling.
Does anyone else feel the same or am I losing the plot bigtime.

 

[heart tree]

Whyme, I just wanted to validate your feelings. I've had very similar instances where I can put on a good front, but all the while am desperate to get away so I can have a good cry. You feel how you feel. You can't control it, nor should you apologize for it. There is no shame in feeling the way you do. In my opinion, Lucy can wait for you to congratulate her. She probably hasn't told you because she wants to spare your feelings. I'm also guessing that she is anxious about losing her baby too and talking to you would make her more anxious. You both will have to address it at some point given you work together. But, give yourself a little time and space to deal with the weekend you just endured.

Your loss was fairly recent, wasn't it? 3 months? Grief takes a long time and never fully goes away. It comes in waves, it can be triggered by an event, a smell, something you see, someone you talk to. This is especially true the closer you are to the loss. Indeed, sometimes it does feel like it is getting worse. The shock has worn off, the reality has set in. With each AF, the grief returns. But within that grief, time does bring hope and happiness. Your heartbreak will always be with you, but the body, mind and soul have a way of mending. Your wound is deep. It may take longer for it to mend.

Is there something you can do for yourself in the next few days that is special? Something that will make you feel good? Now is the time to treat yourself. Indulge in a massage, a good dinner, something that will feel decadent.

I also support your idea of counseling. If nothing else, it will help you to feel less lonely and allow you to express all of your feelings, good, bad and totally bitchy, without being judged. (BTW, feel free to express them to us too!)

I just want you to know you are not alone in your feelings. I felt like I was reading a bit of my own story just now.

Big hugs!!!

xoxo

 

[NatoPMT]

Hi poppet, ive just seen your update from yesterday

the fact is, you are still grieving and maybe still be traumatised by your experiences, Im training to be a counsellor at the mo, and i really cant express enough how much it can help if you are struggling to understand whats happened, or if you are struggling to come to terms with it. I dont know what your frame of reference is thats leading you to feel this way, whether its anxiety, loss or grief or a combination of all these things, but taking to someone in a professional capacity, whos trained to help you organise your thoughts can be invaluable.

if you put your postcode into this website, it will bring up a list of BACP accredited counsellors and you can use the drop down menu to select counsellors in specialist areas

https://wam.bacp.co.uk/wam/SeekTherapist.exe?NEWSEARCH

x

 

[whyme]

Hi Nato, thanks for that, was going to contact the early pregnancy unit and ask how to get counselling. I am really struggling to understand how I feel, but currently feel like a jangling wreck, all anxious, can't concentrate, feel all confidence gone AWOL and could cry all the time. I don't want medication route for TTC reasons. Do my feelings make sense to you? Thing is feeling like this isn't going to help with TTC either.

I congratulated the girl at work, she had been sooo worried how to tell me and was gutted I heard through the grapevine. Poor thing apologised to me! I told her to enjoy every minute, that yes I am hurting but that isn't her fault/problem, was soo hard but feel terrible for her too. She is bricking it I think cos of what happened to me.

 

[NatoPMT]

your feelings are unique to you, and even though you are talking to a forum full of women with similar experiences, your reactions are individual to you - but yes, they make sense - even though we all feel our own experiences in our own way and its important to remember that, you arent alone in this. if you reach out, you might find some connections so please try and keep posting if you feel like it

it does sound like you have some anxiety symptoms, but they are to be expected, i had them after my mc going back to work, and im getting slightly OCD in my thought approach to things currently....the symptoms are an expression of the inner turmoil you are experiencing. If you tend to put a mask on to withold your feelings, they can be expressed in other ways, they will come out somehow, which is why posting here and getting everything out into a post can be really useful. To express your feelings 'reduces' them.

for you to come to terms with whats happened, it might take time, it might take talking, but whatever it will take, try to be kind to yourself and acknowledge whats going on, however painful it might be. when i say acknowledge, i just mean dont hide it, even if you only have one outlet - ie here for eg - try and use that outlet if you can.

you have to do whatever is right for you, and whatever you feel most comfortable with.

you say you are paralysed with despair and hopelessness - i want to ask very personal questions about that, ie asking you to describe those feelings, and not sure if you would want to do so on a forum or not, but it might help to explore the feelings, but counselling would be the best place to do that as it goes past the support you might want from friends on here - it can feel quite intrusive answering things of that nature xx

 

[whyme]

Aw you are soo sweet, but I am very aware that you girls are dealing with your own pain right now and I can't keep droning on! I am hoping it is just a "blip" as I have been doing so well. I don't think AF helps to be honest and I am wondering wether I was maybe more than just a little disappointed at her arrival this month.... Which then puts me in the " I can't do this every month club". I think I am putting the cart before the horse if you like instead of taking everything step by step.

I am taking positive steps, going to make the most of the coming weekend, look at holistic therapy etc.

I also am very aware and keep reminding myself of how lucky I am, having OH and our beautiful DS, and I need to focus on that. I actually feel very ashamed of myself for this "wallowing". A colleague told me today, how they lost a baby at 37 weeks and I felt that gave me a massive kick up the arse. Bless him, he is quite new and was so genuine in asking how I was,when there was just two of us at lunch. (obviously I didn't tell him, just said doing ok ), and said he could empathise even though he is a bloke and then told me that. Just goes to show that so many people have had more than their fair share of pain.

 

[NatoPMT]

you can say whatever you like on your own thread, dont ever ever feel you cant talk because your thread is your space to be as expressive as you want

a blip WILL stay a blip if you have an outlet, so dont deny yourself that outlet because you are worried you are droning, this is more important than worrying about others pain, everyone else starts their own threads if they need to talk, by talking here, you arent taking up anything other than the space you created. <bossy>

its extremely possible the old af is making things like this at the mo - hormones akimbo

but its still coming from you and the trouble withthis stuff is that hormones might kick it off, but if you dont feel 'heard', the emotions can carry it on, but i do have a lot of faith in you that you are robust enough to get through ropey patches and still be all pma on our asses - sounds like you are getting a lot of support at home and work too, which is great