Can't decide whether to have a 3rd child or stick with 2

[Ziggy2]

I have two girls, one 4 year old and a 5 month old, I have always for as long as I remember wanted 3 kids, but now with the reality of what it is like looking after 2 I'm now not so sure. Here is my pros and cons list any input from those who can't decide like me, or those with 3 who can tell me what it's really like.

Pros:

I have always wanted 3 so fear I will regret it if we don't have 3
We already have a people carrier so don't need to worry about that
We have a big enough house to accommodate 3 kids
I don't feel like my baby making days are over

Cons/concerns
Money, babies cost money
Holidays, probably wouldn't be able to afford holidays abroad which I love
Not having enough time to spend quality time with them all
Not having any me time
Putting career on hold, is working with 3 kids part time realistic?
Not having any help as we don't have family local is it too much to ask someone it babysit 3 kids as opposed to 2
Patience, sometimes I feel my patience is tested to the limit with the 2 of them
Another c section and recovery


My head says stick with the 2 healthy lovely girls I have and don't push my luck going for a 3rd, my heart says I want a 3rd

 

[iiTTCii]

We have decided to have 2, but I haven't ruled a third out and I think I will always keep an open mind as to if and when I want a third.

When I debate whether my LO should be an only child, I always say to myself that I might spend a lifetime regretting that I only had one child but I will never regret having more children.

 

[AmysU4ea]

I've never heard anyone say that they regretted having more children.... I've heard so many people say they wished they had more....

 

[babybichon]

It is a real decision to have a third child, and you are very sensible in thinking the pros/cons through.

I have just had my third (3rd boy) and for me, I've always wanted three, an odd number I know, but it seemingly is the '3 is the new 2' at the moment (two of my other friends are having their third child too this year) - although I constantly had the 'oh, are you trying for a girl' - which to be perfectly honest wanting a particular sex did not play into my baby making plans at all lol! I was just happy I got pregnant for the third time.

Reading your pros/cons I literally could have written those myself, they were all the questions I asked myself, but I valued my husband's viewpoint, and we of course came to the mutual decision to have our third. And yes, I would have always regretted it had I not gone for our third child. I'm not getting any younger was another factor, so it was now or never!

In response to your cons - although they are 'temporary' cons as I put it :
Money, babies cost money yes they do! But if we really thought about not having money we would never have kids, is how I've always viewed it!

Holidays, probably wouldn't be able to afford holidays abroad which I love Our last holiday was 3 years ago before DS2 came along, and I love my holidays, but my decision to have another overtook that need for a decent holiday. I just figure that in another 2-3 years and we can hopefully do holiday's - it just means saving up for a decent holiday (abroad) but it could be doable, I can never plan things ahead, I just hope that we can do it in the near future.

Not having enough time to spend quality time with them all My nine year old is in school during the day, so I try and (forgive me here as I'm only five weeks in with DS3) having to occupy toddler who has just turned 2 is a little testing a times, it is just getting out (whilst the weather is great) going to mum and toddler groups, (which I never took to before) and he goes to preschool once a week now (he used to go to nursery until I finished work) but it's all a learning curve, but I'm new to this mother of three thing, and others might be more experienced in how they cope. I wanted two close in age this time, and I'm (touch wood) hoping they will have a lovely bond.

Not having any me time I have had I think about 1 or 2 nights out in 3 years! I value more just being home with hubby and having our time together, but I don't feel personally I'm missing out.

Putting career on hold, is working with 3 kids part time realistic? I'm obviously on maternity leave at the moment, but prior to finishing work I asked my employers for a career break, so I won't be going back to work until end of 2016 - I of course won't be earning in the career break, but realistically I would just be working to pay childcare which didn't sit well with me, and since I always went back to work when DS1 and DS2 were seven months, I wanted to take this opportunity as I knew DS3 would be my last child to enjoy the time with them for a longer period, and I know those 2 and a bit years will go by in a flash. DS2 will be in school and DS3 will be in nursery when I go back on part-time (school) hours.

Not having any help as we don't have family local is it too much to ask someone it babysit 3 kids as opposed to 2 I only have my mother who lives near me, and she helps me, but she is 72 this year so I don't like to impose on her too often, but I have friends who are more than happy to babysit, although I have never asked! Hence the social aspect down the toilet thus far lol!

Patience, sometimes I feel my patience is tested to the limit with the 2 of them You might surprise yourself, kids will always test your patience, I think mine went out the window a long time ago, but you do adjust and you do have to count to three or five and then wash, rinse, repeat!

Another c section and recovery My DS1 and DS3 were both C-sections (DS2 was a Forceps Assisted VBAC) and my recovery for both C-sections have been (thankfully) all ok.

I hope that answers some of your doubts. Believe me even throughout pregnancy I had my days thinking what it would be like once he was here, and would everything be ok, have I pushed my luck etc, etc. but I ultimately made that decision to have our third child, and he is here with us as a family, all of us finding our groove within our unit of five. My eldest absolutely dotes on him, and my DS2 (is at the moment heavy handed with him still) but he's always wondering where he is, or if he cries he's always concerned, bless him. I can't believe he's 5 weeks already, and I cannot wait to see what his personality will be like and who he'll take after!

At the end of the day it is your decision to make, and no one apart from you (and of course your partner) can decide what's best for you all

[I went with my heart in the end]

 

[AP]

Personally I've found the older the girls got the less I want to do it again. But that may be down to the age gap, age they are at and the constant fighting!

 

[TCK_Runner]

I like your pros/cons list. I have one sibling, a brother who's 2.5 years younger and it seems to have been the perfect gap between us. We just had our first and probably our last in March. I absolutely love and adore her!!! But it's a tough call because we're both in academia and neither of us has a professorship/long-term tenured type of position; in fact, I'm just finishing my dissertation this year and will be on the job market soon. But I've been at this nearly 8 years including two stints living abroad, one in which I did a bootcamp language training for a year and another in which I did a full year of research in that language. I have a lot invested in my research and until I had the baby was working hard - I was actually writing a dissertation chapter when I went into labor and am about 75% done with the whole thing...

So anyways, what I'm saying is that there are certain things that I'd mentally like to do. I do think this is a good question to ask yourself if you'd like a third kid: do you have anything career-wise that you really want to do? This is really personal and depends on the person. I think this whole superwoman/you can do it all thing is a bit of a crock... I mean, my mom's generation bought into it as part of the feminist movement, and that's what she taught me, but I see how much she gave up for my brother and I, how much she fought with herself internally regarding her career: she worked as a newspaper editor and loved it, but gave up time with us to do so, and to this day it bothers her that she had to make this choice. I myself do not want to go through the same thing... like her, I simply would not be happy going part-time forever, and I'd be even more miserable giving it up to be a SAHM... which I am pretty sure would happen if we had something like three kids. (I am pretty annoyed already that I haven't had as much time to work on my research! two weeks ago while Emma was sleeping and my husband was here I snuck out to hear a few talks at an academic workshop nearby and ended up staying longer than intended because it felt so nice to be back in the environment.)

OK so back to the questions you asked - sorry for going off on a tangent - I have a friend who has three kids; the youngest will be 3 in October and others are already in school (2 boys and 1 girl). She went through some of the same dilemma as you. No family near where they live, money is a bit of an issue as her husband is a restaurant manager (she's lucky her dad is a retired naval officer and I'm pretty sure that's how the kids get some nice things...). She hasn't worked in a few years outside the home, although she is hoping to get back to her part-time baking/catering business stuff once the youngest is in school... My friend told me that it is much better that she's a SAHM instead of working outside the home because it saves daycare/after school care costs, plus she's able to make all the meals at home so there's no buying of school lunches (etc). She's very smart and also tutors the kids with their homework. (She herself had plans to go back to school for a graduate degree so she could teach and then coincidentally found out she was pregnant several days before paying the tuition fees!) But they haven't taken a vacation - other than to see grandparents - with all three kids yet. I doubt they've even taken the other two anywhere outside the country. Her husband and her can't afford it - they usually leave the kids with grandparents when they have to go somewhere far away (recently another friend of ours got married in the Caribbean and that's what they did). It's just a bit much if you don't make a lot of money and you live in a place where there are essentially no social services offered from the state (the sad truth ).

 

[slg76]

my pro/con list looks very similar except I'm debating a second child. Mostly I worry about my low energy level. My hubby travels about 15 days a month for work so it's mostly me doing the work. DD is almost four now. I wanted them to be closer in age but it just didn't work out that way. I'm afraid that I will regret not having another one. Could I ever really regret having another person to love though? I don't think so. I think the first few years would be really tough though.

 

[Islas_mummy]

Personally I think if your heart tells you that you want another child then you should have one. Money and all that other stuff....well it's just stuff. When a woman wants a baby, I think that as "sensible" as you want to be.....you're body will always win over.

I had PCOS and was told I probably would need fertility treatment to have a baby, and 6 months later I accidentally got pregnant (it was quite a new relationship). I loved every second of being pregnant and being a mummy. I desperately wanted 4 children! I am one of 3 girls and my (now) husband is one of 3 boys. So definitely a minimum of 3! I was so anxious that I would have problems conceiving again. But as it turned out I fell pregnant on my 1st month trying.

This time around I didn't love being pregnant so much, but still had aspirations of my big family. Even 2 weeks after giving birth, I wanted more.....and now he's 2 months old and I realised the other day that I am so utterly content with my little family! I was carrying my baby boy to my chest, holding hands with my husband watching my daughter scooting in front of us to the park, and I can honestly say there is not a bone in my body that wants another baby anymore. I am done!

So to sum up, personally I think if a part of you wants more babies, then you will regret it if you don't have them! I would just keep going until you "are done"!

 

[steph.]

I've been debating whether to go for a 3rd too. My pro/con list is very similar to yours. The urge for a 3rd is slowly diminishing as my baby grows and life is getting easier again, but we are currently ntnp so if it's meant to be it will be! I reaaaaaaaaally hope that I feel done after n.3 though.

 

[Pearls18]

My pros and cons are just like yours except for the people carrier and c section.

I have a career I love, I don't want to give up work but my husband has a demanding career and we don't live near family so I'm not sure how feasible it is. I would love to make out that I'm not materialistic, that money doesn't matter, love is all you need yadde yadde, but as I have my two kids that's not how I feel (what I mean is it didn't matter to this point, I would have made all the sacrifices in the world for one child and then for him to have a sibling, that would come before money), but I don't want to live life on a shoe string, I want to take the boys on holidays, I want them to wear nice clothes and I want it to be possible for DH and I to date, spend time together and buy things we would like.

Right now I know 2 is what works for us, but I think when they're older I would love 3 if that makes sense...so not sure how to weigh it all up.

I am hoping once we are out of this baby stage I might think heck no I don't want to go back to that. As we already have a big-ish gap of 3 years and 3 months I worry about leaving it that long again and effectively being in that baby stage 9 years, but don't think I would cope with a smaller gap.

So yeah I can't decide, head says 2, heart says 3, but my head dominates me most of the time so I know if I go with my heart and it is harder work than I would like that I would have regrets.

Honestly, if money was no object I would go for 3, but life isn't like that. And if I'm honest there is a part of me that would be rooting for a girl and that's not a good reason to have a child (we have 2 gorgeous boys).

 

[pinkribbon]

I'm pregnant with my 3rd... Yes I'm sh*tting myself but I think if we hadn't have gone for it our family just wouldn't have felt finished.

 

[slg76]

MarineWAG, I love how honest you are! Money does matter! I'm not a very materialistic person and in fact we don't have a lot of money but money is what gives you freedom in life. Money is what would let my husband work fewer hours and be home with us more. Money is what allows your children to pick the education they need for their preferred career. Money is what lets you pay for babysitters so you can remember what your spouse looks like! I don't need fancy cars or nice clothes but I need freedom!! I worry about that with having another. But, we are trying for number 2 and I just feel that DD needs a sibling and we have "enough" money for that...sort of

 

[Bunnikins]

Good question I'm just wondering about this myself. I feel incredibly sad that my time having babies may be over. My decision at the moment is to wait until my 2 have started school and then reassess the situation. I think when they r at school I will have more time to devote to a third, and having had 2 quite close together I wouldn't wish for that again! If in 4 years we have enough money and there is a way, I'll have a third, if not, I'll be happy being a mum of 2.
Is waiting a few years an option for u? A lot can change in a few years and some of the cons may no longer apply? (or there may be even more cons)

 

[marymoomin]

I wouldn't have chosen to have three. I feel blessed to have twins but I wouldn't have actively gone on the have a third. Logistically it is extremely hard. Even nipping to the supermarket with 3 under 4 is hard.

 

[Ashla]

Reasons not to have a third (for me):

-Money is no issue for us and for that we are very blessed. However, I still worry about the expense of 3 vs 2. Spending $30,000 a year for 3 children (vs $20,000 for 2) on school fees just for kinder and primary school seems ridiculous to me. But then if we didn't send all 3 to that school, I would feel I had cheated my children out of the education they could have had... And secondary school might send us bankrupt

-I also worry that if I had 3, I wouldn't get to spend enough time and attention on each of them and so would always feel guilty and like I was letting someone down.

-DH is older than me and so I feel like we'd need to have a third soon if we were going to do it. And I am not sure I could handle being pregnant with a toddler again. It was hard, hard, hard the first time around.

-I also had placenta accreta with both my children and after the second birth I hemorrhaged. So I worry about that happening again.

But, no matter how many times I tell myself about the above reasons, a little voice inside me whispers 'have another.'

I think as PP said, when you are done you know.

 

[overcomer79]

I work full time with three. It's my choice. I love my kids and don't have problems spending time with them although we don't do a lot of one on one per say. I spend a lot of time with the baby because I'm breastfeeding and when I'm at home, I don['t feel up to dealing with bottles and crap. My older two are daddy's babies. They'd rather be with their daddy. Ultimately it's your decision. When my second was born (we said 2)...I didn't feel "complete". When my dad got sick, we decided to open ourselves up to having one more providing I can conceive so I could have the baby before I was 35. My dad passed away last June and 3 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. We carried on my father's name and I feel my family is complete. Yes it is hard financially. We don't have family help either so I do understand the struggles but Chris just belongs with us. I feel we are no longer missing a crucial piece to our family and I underwent essure. I would say if there is any doubt that you might want another one, don't do anything that will permanently take that away.

 

[jd83]

I have a lot of the same types of pros/cons on my own list of trying to decide whether to have another. DH really wants a 3rd baby, I just don't know if I can handle another. I'm not completely opposed to it, but not sure at this point in time that I could handle it. The 2 we have are a lot of work, especially since DH works such long hours good portions of the year with farming so isn't home a lot to help me.

I guess my main concerns are :
Money. Sure, people say if you leave money to decide you'd never have anymore kids. But at some point, you DO have to be realistic about it. 2 kids childcare is already costing us $1000/month. $1250/month for 5 week months. 3 kids would be much more cost added on, and I just can't even fathom how we'd come up with it at this point. maybe once our older son is in school we could afford it then.

Patience/Emotionally being able to handle 3 kids:
My younger son is quite a lot of work. If I had another like him, I don't know that I could handle it with 2 of them. I think I'd probably have an emotional breakdown. I'm handling it with only 1 like that, but I do worry if we had another child, it's possible I'd have 2 high needs kids...yikes. Of course, it could go the other way and I'd have another perfectly laid back child like DS1. Who knows. But I worry about it.

Vacations:
Its hard to afford them as it is with 2 kids. Let alone if we had all the additional costs of a 3rd child. We've only had 1 vacation in the 4 years we've had kids, and it was back in December.

 

[Ziggy2]

It's such a tough one, I think I will have to see how I feel when I go back to work and how it is to work whilst raising 2 kids and then see how we feel, I would need to keep working even if we do go for a 3rd

 

[Seity]

I can't think of many things worse than the idea of ever having another baby. Luckily my husband agrees and got sterilized, so that's not an issue for us any more. Our first child is more than enough for anyone to try and deal with. It really is a personal thing and everyone will feel differently about it.

 

[marymoomin]

Bear in mind it could be twins....!