Can't decide whether to ttc #2 or not . Help?

[justmeinlove]

Hi all

I thought maybe if i laid out my concerns, you could all be kind and let me know your thoughts. We keep going to try for #2 but then my anxiety over it kicks in hugely. I'm sure my husband would love for sex to stop turning into a discussion about babies... :-/

Honestly this has all come up because our daughter is Desperate for a sibling. If it weren't for that, I think given the anxieties, we'd stick to one, even though I do think our little girl is Awesome.

So.

Reasons to:
Children are awesome
Our little girl Really wants a sibling
Breastfeeding is great

Reasons to get on with it asap
I am nearly 39
Our little girl is over 3 and we are already veering into an age gap that worries me

Anxieties
At the moment when we die she will inherit a house. If she is an adult and has financial problems we will be able to help her. Add a sibling and you get half a house and more dubious helping levels.

If she goes to school and gets bullied, at the moment we could maybe manage a private school. With a sibling, no chance

I don't have a sibling, although I really wanted one. I don't want a second child to spoil our daughter's life. What if they don't like each other. All of the things i fear And they didn't get on seems something i would always regret...?

We have £500 in savings and no real pension yet. We were going to start saving for one after she starts school next year. I am 38 and husband is 40.

Husband is currently diagnosed with severe depression

Husband has used five weeks of paid sick leave and is now on unpaid sick leave

Our first was a really hard baby with reflux (undiagnosed to start with) so basically screamed for three months. I didn't sleep and hated my life. I probably had undiagnosed pnd and husband definitely had depression and considered suicide

Hideous traumatising delivery

General fear I will die during pregnancy or delivery

Some paranoia about body sagging irretrievably and me hating myself

My inability to function on no sleep. I become horrible horrible and our first woke every two hours at night for two years and still does some.

We have no support network

Our first has been really hard on our marriage. We love each other more than air but even so sleep deprivation, a constantly screaming baby, not enough time for each other , sleep deprivation...i am terrified of the impact of doing it again.

We got rid of all our baby stuff so it wouldn't exactly be a free experience

Unsure of the financial impact and aware that my husband, due to his childhood, has real anxiety over having no money

We've never had enough money to do our wild crazy things. I want to go on some amazing holidays and travel. Will a second child destroy that forever?

Possible opportunities:
I want to move closer to the sea. If we find the right place maybe we could get a bigger house, save some money and find friends all in one go...

Basically i guess I don't want to do it and just ruin everything...

 

[justmeinlove]

Bump

 

[malia]

In all honestly I think it sounds like you are happy with one but just feel guilty about this because your LO wants a sibling?

All of your concerns are completely valid, but so many people get through life just fine without a massive inheritance or private school

 

[Jessica60]

I have just started a similar discussion on here and the website fertility friends.

I will paste it below:

Hi,
As post says, has anyone accepted the fact that they have one child and not by choice this child will be an only.

I have a four year old and have been trying for number two for three years. I feel so drained and emotionally tired of this pursuit for a sibling. Ivf has really taken it out of me and so have the miscarriages.

Has anyone gone through the same? Have you decided to end the pursuit on number two and make good what you have got.

One minute I think not trying anymore will be good for my daughter, I can have more time, energy and money for her, the next minute I worry that she will not have a sibling. She has no cousins and I have close friends with kids in same age range.

Thoughts please ??

Also I'm nearly 40




Also:

It's soon hard, when I had my last bfp which ended in mc, I felt scared not overjoyed. I felt panicked at sleepless nights, toddler group chats, and whether I could give the same time and all that effort I gave to my first to the baby. I took my daughter everywhere, music groups, bany signing,I just felt like I didn't have the energy.

I'm not sure if it was my body psychologically preparing me for a mc but I was upset when I found out I lost it. What scares me is that I will have those feelings of panic again if I get a bfp.

Is this telling me that I don't really want another one??? Because every time I see a newborn or toddler I just want another child


Also:


I'm lucky so far in the fact that she has not mentioned that everyone else has brothers and sisters. I'm dreading that one.

I've just put her to bed cuddling her and again I wanted another one. I'm now downstairs having a quiet drink and watching a bit of tv whilst she is a sleep. If I had a baby I would be waiting for the baby monitor to go off, and now I think I don't want another?

Again is it my body psychologically preparing me for not having another baby.

I too have considered adoption but the whole process seems just as stressful as ttc. Also some adoptive children still have links to birth family and I don't think I could handle that. I would have strongly considered fostering but I work and you can't have a full time job in order to foster.


Also:

To help me deal with this mc and the possibility of never having number two I'm researching google like mad to find positives of having an only child. What I have found is very mixed.

Today I met up with a nursery mom from my daughters nursery. She has a son my daughters age and a two year old. She only bought the older kid along as it was too much for her to take them both to the park, it is just too hard with two she said and she constantly went on about them fighting. She didn't know about the mc or my struggle in getting a second child. Maybe it was a sign.




As you can see from the above posts I put of fertility friends today I have been online all day about the same issue.

 

[Jessica60]

I have also posted in the "complete families" thread on here (baby and bump) but no replies to my post

 

[justmeinlove]

Thank you so much for replying. Yours sounds much harder in that you're actually having trouble with being pregnant as well. Much sympathy.

It's horrible though isn't it, going backwards and forwards. I panicked so much last time we had unprotected sex that i took the MAP :-/

There are so many things that worry me and if I squash one, another pops up. But then this morning, my 3 year old slept like total total crap and I think really l, how much worse could adding a baby possibly be..... At least I've got a lot of experience of a non sleeping child now....

I've ordered some ovulation tests as I figure I might as well see whether I'm still working properly before getting too worked up.....

I think I just don't want to spoil things. The last 3 years have been insanely hard and we're starting to get some light at the end of the tunnel. I finally have a job i love. Bar the threenager ness, our tiny is fun and sleep is at least Less vile. Savings are starting to be a possibility and with that the idea of travel. I guess there is a lot to lose. But in my mind there Is a gap where #2 goes... Urgh.

Do you think the fear bit is of the baby stage or the unknown? I think mine is a bit of both but I definitely have no affection at all for the idea of the pregnancy or baby stages. If i could have a 2 year old i would in a heartbeat

 

[justmeinlove]

In all honestly I think it sounds like you are happy with one but just feel guilty about this because your LO wants a sibling?

That's true to an extent yes and I think that's valid, I remember how badly i wanted a sibling for my entire childhood.

Basically I want to have a two year old, bah to the pregnancy and baby stage.

And i guess my fear is that if my fears come true you can't change your mind. That's where the panic is, if you do it and it's wrong, it really would permanently screw your life...

I think that I might be envisioning something much bigger and scarier than a baby....

 

[justmeinlove]

I have a four year old and have been trying for number two for three years. I feel so drained and emotionally tired of this pursuit for a sibling. Ivf has really taken it out of me and so have the miscarriages.

One minute I think not trying anymore will be good for my daughter, I can have more time, energy and money for her, the next minute I worry that she will not have a sibling. She has no cousins and I have close friends with kids in same age range.

Thoughts please ??

Also I'm nearly 40

I'm lucky so far in the fact that she has not mentioned that everyone else has brothers and sisters. I'm dreading that one.

Fwiw it's ok to stop ivf and just have unprotected sex and see if it happens. Unless that will drive you crazy of course!

I do have friends who were only children and loved it, so it can be fine. I understand though as ditto re no real family and no local friends with kids :-/ and of course nearly 40! Gah! But yeah. Only children really can be super fine!

Re asking, my little girl asks constantly and really really wants a sibling. Yesterday she kept poking my tummy and happily saying There's a baby in there! ....

 

[JessyG]

Oh sweet. I am sure you and I have danced around this for a year or so now. I too feel like my daughter would love sibling. She adores babies and is always looking out for the little ones at nursery. I have been kidding myself that its a novelty and one that would quickly wear off but....really, I dont buy it. She would love a play mate and id love her to have someone to play.

We dont have a huge amount of money coming in so i worry she will suffer in terms of after school clubs and holidays but i cant help think she will lose out more being alone in the world. My sister will never have kids and her only cousins (who she does see regularly) are 9 and 6 and i see how much she loves to play with them.

Ugh its torture in my mind at time. I just wish i was pregnant and then i wouldnt have a choice as such!

My OH talks about changing his job which makes me super anxious as for 2 years we never saw each other due to his job and we have only just managed to squeeze one day off a week together as a family.

Think i am gonna go for it this summer but i have said that before and change my mind!

 

[justmeinlove]

Big hugs! Yes I think i'm inclining to just trying, for the same reason: I worry hugely she will lose out re life options but I worry that she will lose more for no sibling that she desperately wants. I know i now focus on inheritance benefits for myself from my parents but as a kid i was pretty miserable and am only relatively well balanced now due to meeting some lovely friends as a grownup

And on the positive side i do now have a job i love. And by the time we had two i would have enough experience to look around for the jobs in the area we might want to live. Possibly might end in a complicated one move for our daughter school wise but only one.

And at least there are some fun things to repeat with another baby, like a christening (for my mum's sake, not my religion!) or maybe a balloon when they are born....lol and then they become toddlers which are much better!