Can't even feed her!

[alexisandmias]

My ex-husband has our 6 year old and 2 month old every day in the evenings. He picks up the oldest from school and then picks the youngest up around 5 from daycare. Usually brings them home around 7. I work till 6. On Thursdays he has them till 8 so he has to feed the youngest on that night. Last night after he dropped them off I asked my oldest when daddy fed Mia last. Not being nosey but just trying to get a time line for her next feeding. Her reply to me "he didn't feed her, his friend did." Seriously? This would have been his second opportunity to do this. I am BFing(pumping while at work) so he doesn't have the chance to do this very often. It just makes me mad because I want him to bond with her and instead some other woman is feeding her. WTF?!

It doesn't bother me that he has a new friend. It doesn't even bother me for him to be there(I hope SOMEDAY I will have a SO to spend time with). I just want him to be the one caring for her!

 

[lal]

Men absolutely (most men) do not understand these things. My FOB thought that as soon as the baby is born, he'd be able to start every other weekend visits...uh, no. Did you guys set up any guidelines on dating or even hanging out with people when you have the kids? I know that the courts here are not prone to encourage children meeting new relationships, that they will help you set boundaries on this (can't meet kids for 6 months, no overnights while the kids are there for a year, etc.). He most likely will assume you're asking this because you're jealous (at least that's what mine would assume, because everything I've gotten upset about he has turned into "you're just angry that we aren't together"), but by turning the tables (asking how he would feel if I brought men I was dating around our son), he came to see what I was talking about...I'd at least try, it sounds like you're very rational about this, and just want him to take the opportunity to bond with a newborn the only way possible (feeding) - the least he could do is hear you out.

 

[alexisandmias]

We have not set up any kind of guidlines about new realationships. WE have agreed that she will not spend the night till she is a year old. He is currently in anger management classes for the way he reacts to things. He is not vioulent just blows a lid easily. So, maybe now is the time to at least mention how I would prefer him feeding her. Hopefully I can explain how special it is and a great way to bond with her. He is a good dad to the oldest. I think hejust doesn't know how to deal with babies. Thanks for your thoughts!

 

[gemabee]

men jus don't see things the same way as women... it won't have been a big thing to him... my best friend has a baby (he's not with the mum)... he's been my rock so i'm there a lot nd when he has his baby i give him his feed nd then help my friend wash the baby... he bonds with his baby by playin with him nd jus generally bein with him.
personally i think ur makin a mountain out of a mole hill... my friends ex has even asked how much time other people spend with the baby when its my friends time to have him... i think this is bang out of order! what he does in his time with his child is up to him... u would be offended if ur ex criticised what u did when u had the children.
i do however have a different opinion to a lot of women on here... my fob has a new girlfriend... they've been together a while... if she wants to spend time with my baby... even if its over night... i genuinly don't see the problem.
the girlfriend will be a part of baby's life, another person to love lo, thats a good thing!

 

[CLH_X3]

men jus don't see things the same way as women... it won't have been a big thing to him... my best friend has a baby (he's not with the mum)... he's been my rock so i'm there a lot nd when he has his baby i give him his feed nd then help my friend wash the baby... he bonds with his baby by playin with him nd jus generally bein with him.
personally i think ur makin a mountain out of a mole hill... my friends ex has even asked how much time other people spend with the baby when its my friends time to have him... i think this is bang out of order! what he does in his time with his child is up to him... u would be offended if ur ex criticised what u did when u had the children.
i do however have a different opinion to a lot of women on here... my fob has a new girlfriend... they've been together a while... if she wants to spend time with my baby... even if its over night... i genuinly don't see the problem.
the girlfriend will be a part of baby's life, another person to love lo, thats a good thing!

I agree ^, And its good to have a diff opinion to everyone else, you can give a different view to the situation...

 

[lal]

I disagree. What he or any father does with their time with the child is not up to them, that is why it goes through a court system - in the US, the courts will actually stipulate that a father must be the only one present during visitation with his child, to ensure there aren't random women in and out of a baby's life. The purpose of visitation is to spend time with their baby, if the mother wanted a babysitter to feed and bathe her baby, she'd probably pick somebody she knows...there are crazy, unsafe people in the world, you are lucky to have a trusting relationship with the father of your child and if I did I'd probably feel the same way, but not all of us do.

 

[lal]

And in my chid custody agreement, I also am willing to not introduce new people to the baby until it is a serious enough relationship that I am sure they are safe, and will be around, and have talked to the FOB about it...it will be much harder for me than him, it is almost every day of my life - he surely can go 2 days every other week without women in his house.

 

[CLH_X3]

LAL - my OH Sol said to him as well as when they were in court (I was present) that when its his time its up to him what he does and who the child meets.
The only way his ex could of stopped me being at the visits is by saying the child is in danger with me being around which the child isnt so she couldnt stop me being at visits...
His ex didnt want me at visits but it was his choice.
I feed his daughter, change her nappy, put her down for a nap, bath her, clothe her, cuddle up on the sofa with her, does that mean hes got any less of a bond with her beacuse someone else sometimes does something with her not him... No it doesnt. They have a great bond if hes the one giving her breakfast or not.

 

[lal]

I am sure it depends on where you are, in my county they do not approve of new relationships involving the baby, by either parent. Thankfully, because my FOB is so very, very selfish that he would leave our child with whoever was around (usually he is dating 2-3 women at any given month-span), if he decided to go out. Again, good for those of you in situations where the father is responsible and you trust him, and you're not on the side of the mother not knowing who her baby is with at any given time, I would not appreciate it, and I see nothing wrong with at least talking to him about it if it does bother you.

 

[gemabee]

@ lal... i completely understand why ur opinion is different... we all have that right after all. but i think this probably comes from the fact that ur ex doesn't seem like a nice man nd u would run the risk of exposin ur child to lots of random women... i also don't think this is right... but as long as its a serious relationship i think its a positive thing.
i do believe that my opinion is formed because my parents are divorced... they both got new partners when i was young... they were very mature in the way they introduced their partners to me... i now have an amazin support network of parents nd step parents... i'll always know who my parents are... but i feel very lucky to have my step family too.
i personally think its very wrong that in the US when a father spends time with his child he has to be the only one there... this isn't the case for the mother nd the father is jus as much a parent to the child. also, if the father must be the only one there... when does the fathers family get to see the baby?

 

[lal]

I totally agree if it is a serious relationship and both parents are mature and okay with it, I do unfortunately have a situation where he is not mature or responsible and takes everything so lightly that he will not communicate with me. I dare say a lot of people on this website deal with that type of situation. That is where we are seeing this differently.

And when I say the courts here will include that the father must be the only one present, I don't think that includes his family, I think they just specify romantic relationships (we are trying to come to an agreement outside of court so I'm not sure, but my lawyer has told me that if he won't sign it and we have to go to court, the judge will include rules about that) - and it is not forever, they also specify a time frame, which like I said, if I am willing to abide by when I have the baby 99% of the time, he should be willing also.

My mother remarried when I was very young, and I to this day consider my stepfather another "Dad". But my real father remarried when I was 9 or 10, and my (now ex) stepmother was terrible - she treated my brother and I horribly, and we were miserable being around her - she was jealous of my mother and tried to get to her through us. I think from that I have an extra overprotective urge to keep anyone I don't know/trust away from my baby - especially since he will be too little to tell me if anyone's treating him badly for a long time.

You can't trust somebody just because they are a parent, there are some terrible parents with terrible judgement in the world, and you can't underestimate the capacity for hatefulness or craziness in people you don't even know...and I would hope that if my FOB wants to see his children, he will take that time to spend with them, and not need to include a girl (or girls) he has just recently started dating.

I do see your point, I just don't think it would work for everybody, and I don't think it would be over the line for alexisandmias to have a discussion and try to come to an understanding with the father of her 2 (one very, very young) children. My ex definitely does not want another man "playing daddy" anytime soon, without so much as a courtesy introduction and me being certain he will be around for a long time, so I think it is understandable on both sides.

 

[alexisandmias]

I do respect everyones opinions! My only thing is that if he were bonding with her some other way that would be fine. But he doesn't. He will just leave her in her bouncy seat and spend more time texting then anything else. Also, he has her longer one day a week. He could spend that time alone with her.

Lal- I totally agree with you and I will mention it to him. He also stayed ovrnight on Friday night at this womens house with our oldest. I just think that if you have your daughter overnight one night a week you should be spending tme with her. There are 6 other nights that you can sleep over. Again JMO.

 

[lal]

Just be as non-aggressive as you can, I wouldn't even bring up this other woman - I'd ask him if he would be okay with an agreement about other people, on both sides, and what time-frame he thinks would be reasonable - good luck, I'll be hoping it works out!!! Let me know how it goes - I will be dealing with this soon enough, as much as I hope to get it straightened out before I have the baby, if I can't I'll be needing your advice

 

[alexisandmias]

I will let you know! Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[alexisandmias]

Gemabee- I also just want to add that how you feel about things before your baby is born may not be how you feel about them after. I am glad that you and FOB seem comfortable with your palns.