Cant pretend much longer

[sailorsgirl]

Hey girls, not sure where to say this, I cant say it out load as I dont want my friends or family to think Im failing.

Im feeling really low. My hubby is in the Navy and we moved to Gosport (4 hours drive from my family and friends) about 6 weeks ago, my daughter is now 8 weeks old. My hubby left for a 3 week exercise last monday. That morning I woke up and decided to get out and meet people. One girl I knew as her hubby is on the same ship as mine, we've spent lots of time together, but now shes moving home. Another girl I met through Facebook and Ive managed to meet a group of girls at a forces wives group. Everyones lovely, everyday since last monday Ive been out of the house. Keeping as busy as possible.

Its exactly what I would have loved to have happened. But I cant enjoy it. I spend a huge amount of the day smiling. laughing and chatting. But its all fake. These girls barely know me so they would have no idea and my friends from home are too far away to notice. I cant say Im unhappy because my hubby is away because that is nothing new. It wont be because Ive moved home as I moved out of my parents house at 18, away from friends and family, alone, this time I have my hubby and daughter with me.

I want to enjoy these times, cuddles with my daughter, coffee mornings, baby groups and shopping trips, girly nights in etc, but I cant. I feel like Im wearing a mask. Just keep smiling, and chatting then one day maybe the smiles wont be fake anymore.

My friend, the girl whose hubby works with my hubby has got to use everything up in her freezer so untill she leaves shes asked me to help her and we have had our evening meals together, but I dont eat anything else. I try, I want to but I am keeping myself so busy I forget. Plus maybe Im doing it on purpose as Im not happy with the way I look. I cant sleep even though my daughter is already sleeping through the night. I have been dozing here and there but not sleeping. And my friend seems to know what my baby wants more than I do. She settles better with her than me too. I just feel helpless, lonely and just generally fed up. I dread the times when Im alone with my daughter as Im afraid I might upset her somehow or there might be something wrong with her and I wont be able to help her or even know theres anything wrong. What if I dont wake up when shes crying at night? What if she gets sick and I dont know? Im scared she will get hurt when Im looking after her on my own.

Im sorry this is so long I think I just needed to get it off my chest

xxx

 

[sailorsgirl]

Plus i feel like crying over the silliest thing all the time, feel like im not good enough. Im paranoid that my hubby doesnt want to spend time with me and convinced that my daughter prefers my friend. qnd fot some strange reason everytime one of the new girls ive met invites me to do something, im convinced they are playing some kind of joke on me. I keep asking my hubby if he thinks theres something wrong with me.

 

[_simo_]

I'll reply properly tomm hun. Phone being useless hope you are ok. I don't have a forces hubby but i feel fake happy too xx

 

[sailorsgirl]

Just found out my hubby is going away for 6 months in july. hes going to miss Islas first birthday, our wedding anniversary, my 25th, christmas and new year. Im going to be stuck on my own the whole time

 

[lau86]

Sorry your feeling like this. I don't have a forces husband but he works away occasionally (for only 3-4 days at a time) and it is soo hard on your own, I don't know how single mothers manage. You say it's nothing new but you still don't have the support of him to help you these early weeks. Your doing a great job, your daughter sounds happy she sleeps through the night for gods sake!! my lo settles more easily for other people, Your not alone with this and it doesn't make you a bad mum. What your saying makes me think you could be a bit depressed and I'm not surprised with such little support around. I would see a doctor if I was you. Hope that helps x

 

[sailorsgirl]

Thank u for replying. I have my 8 week check tomorrow with my daughter, maybe she will help? X

 

[sailorsgirl]

my 8 week check went ok, Isla is doing great. Just wish I was too. I know I should be sleeping when she does but I cant. I still have 9 days before hubby comes home. Ive no idea how Im going to get through it at the moment. Feeling very alone at the minute...is no one else experiencing this?

 

[PrincessBaker]

I'm not experiencing this as my partner is at home. I just wanted to say I think you're doing an amazing job. I'm not sure I could be as strong and brave as you are. Just try to stay positive and if you need to go back to the doctor and ask for help. You shouldn't suffer alone.

You're in my thoughts and prayers and if you need anything, even just someone to vent to, feel free to message me anytime.

 

[booda]

Oh hunni I wish i could come round to yours and give you a massive hug, and take some of this stress off you my OH works nights (between 2 and 4 a week) and although it's nothing compared to not having your hubby for months on end, I can almost half-relate....I find it near-impossible to cope with LO for these 4 night stretches (OH sleeping during the day obviously) and like you, still cant drift off when LO is sleeping even though he's managing 6 hours some nights.

I honestly take my hat off to single mothers, I think they deserve medals. Nobody tells you - or can describe just now hard looking after these babies can be. I also can relate with feeling like everyone else can settle LO better than you can.
My MIL and OH can settle danny much quicker than I can, and over the last..11 weeks, I've came up with SEVERAL different conclusions as to why this is:
(bad thoughts)
He doesnt like me
Im a crap mum
He senses that im stressed because he's upset and doesnt want to be around me
Im not calm and comforting enough

(reasonable thoughts - i try to make myself believe)
Im the one who provides all his food. when he's on/with me, he feels like the type of comfort should include feeding, sucking etc.
I'm more reactive due to hormones. He screams, it automatically pushes up my heart rate and blood pressure, and I end up getting in a flap and not knowing what to do with him after i've done all the nappy/heat/coolness/clothing/feed checks, so he get's a stronger more obvious response from me.

Anyway, apart from that, I don't want to start going on about PND/PPD but if you feel like you aren't able to cope, then a trip to your GP might be an option. you don't have to go on medication, and even if it's not PPD your doc may still be able to refer you for counselling to help with coping strategies? It sounds like you're forcing yourself to do all the right things hun, and although it's hard and these other girls can't really relate to your situation and don't see through your happy act, it's probably better for your emotional state to stay around people at the moment, isolation doesnt help anyone as im sure you know already...
Keep posting here. Im sure there will be people in the same boat as yourself, hopefully they can offer more relevant advice, I just want you to know that people do care, and although maybe don't understand your exact situation, we do understand to an extent, and i know - it's horrible
(hugs to you) and try to take care of yourself....remember that a limited diet can impact on your emotional health too, don't look after your body and it won't look after your mind x

 

[LuSmith]

I can seriously relate in some of the issues you've mentioned! For a start, I feel like a useless mother most of the time myself. Although my partner is around, I feel like he and my mother manage to settle Alex a lot better than I can - with me it takes HOURS! He seems to scream no matter what I do and I feel like my stress probably adds to the problem as I'm not comfortable especially with all my medical problems atm.

When LO was first born I went through four weeks of PND but have managed to curb it mostly myself, feel a little better (albeit extremely sleep deprived and stressed from medical stuff) and you probably will as soon as you realise it's not your fault and you can do it

I really take my hat off to single mothers - I honestly wouldn't cope! My partner takes alot off me as does my mum so I applaud you for doing so well so far, I wouldn't be able to do it.. you're an amazing mum for doing great!

Isla sounds fantastic, congrats

 

[sailorsgirl]

Thank you so much for your kind comment. Im back to putting on a brave face again. So fingers crossed it will pass xx