Can't Spoil a Newborn

[Harley Quinn]

I'm no expert, but I suspect it's slightly different for every baby/child. The beauty of it, is that you will know your child better than anyone else. You'll be able to pick up on his/her little cues and I think you'll be surprised to find how much communicating a baby can do with you without talking. Really, until they can talk and explain to you why they are sad and want you to hold them, their only way to express that is to cry. Once they start talking and really being able to understand what you are saying to them, then maybe you can re-evaluate whether they need to be soothed/comforted every time.

Long story short, I think you'll just know when the time comes.

 

[sethsmummy]

As someone has said above, children need consistent affection to grow confident. "Needy" or "clingy" children aren't a result of "spoiling" or bring held too much as a baby, but of inconsistent or irresponsive parenting. Look at it this way: babies who are held frequently and is consistently attended to (held, cuddled, sung to, fed, changed,...) when they're hungry, tired, need a nappy or simply human contact, will learn that their parents are always there to meet their needs. They learn to feel safe and secure and to communicate and regulate their emotions and needs. They have no need to freak out when separated from their parents because they know that the parents will be back.
If you're interested in this topic, look up "attachment theory" (not to be confused with attachment parenting!) and an experiment called the strange situation. There's also a brilliant book on this called "What every parent needs to know".

Before my reply i just want to point out this will be offensive to some people. My son was VERY CLINGY until a year ago.. and he has ALWAYS been picked up when he cries and given all the love he needs/wants. He has ALWAYS had lots of interaction and love and ALL of his needs met. So please dont say a clingy child is due to them being neglected in any way!!

To the OP, cuddle your little one as much as you want hun. Like a pp said, you will soon pick up on the cues, and will learn when they are crying for nothing. I always picked up my little one when he cried no matter the reason. It was only when he hit 2 years old that if he started crying for silly things i.e not getting his own way.. they he was left. Its totally upto the individual parent how they wish to deal with this kind of thing. It does not make you a bad parent either way you decide is best xxxx

 

[Kota]

About 18 months is when the brain development has got to a point where they can start to 'manipulate' and I don't mean that in a nasty way, but that they learn that they can have some sort of control over whats going on around them, and they can make certain things happen by their actions, ie/ If i cry, it will get mummy to come over here'.
Before that, and even at this stage, regardless, they are communicating a NEED to you in the only way they know how, just because that need might be stopping you from doing the dishes doesn't make it less important, if that need from them is just to be comforted then that is enough.

 

[kimberleyrobx]

About 18 months is when the brain development has got to a point where they can start to 'manipulate' and I don't mean that in a nasty way, but that they learn that they can have some sort of control over whats going on around them, and they can make certain things happen by their actions, ie/ If i cry, it will get mummy to come over here'.
Before that, and even at this stage, regardless, they are communicating a NEED to you in the only way they know how, just because that need might be stopping you from doing the dishes doesn't make it less important, if that need from them is just to be comforted then that is enough.

This is SO TRUE! emily takes the utter biscuit with me as soon as daddy isnt in the room! 'mummy is the push over who i laugh at and take advantage of, daddy is the scary one who always gives me into trouble!'

 

[Whimsy82]

I've read the age they start to realize that you pick them up because they're crying is 6 months.

I guess it's conditioning. They learn that if they want you to hold them, that they will cry until you do. Which could then turn into, if they realize you will do what they want because they are crying, they will do it whenever they want ANYTHING...i.e a toy or something like that.

When they're newborns, they cry because they need SOMETHING. To be fed, changed or they just don't feel well. They can't make the connection yet that you're picking them up because they are crying.

This is just the research I've done

This would be diffiuclt for me. If my baby cries....I'm going to pick it up.

 

[chulie]

Up until 6 months I basically picked my daughter up any time she cried...no matter what!!

Once she hit 6 months though...I tried to teach her a bit of "independance"...and it worked great because she was sleeping through the night at 6 -7 months old. The issue sometimes is, if you go in and rock your baby every time they cry..they will wake and not understand...oh..i just close my eyes and go back to sleep..hahaha...so...I did make sure my daughter learned this skill because as her mother I personally thought it was important. Today my 2 year old is the best sleeper on the planet and any time people are over they comment on how crazy it is she goes to bed so easily every single time. I really do contribute that to her feeling confident in putting herself to sleep..and as a mom...that makes me VERY happy that she's so comfortable with that!!

That is sleeping....I do think there is another side to child that needs to be addressed differently...My girl is so outgoing and she's always the hilarious life of any party...but...around 18 months I started to notice when we'd go into a big room with people she would get "weirdly shy"...at first...I really didnt' understand what was going on. I'd put her down the second we'd walk in and say "go play"..and didn't understand why she was fighting it...and the more I tried to force her to play, the clingier and crustier she got. The I read book saying to start them slow and totally put things in terms that made sense (after feeling like an AWFUL mother for realizing I was making things worse) I changed tactic...now when we go anywhere and she gets shy..I just keep her in my arms...I say hi to people and don't force anything on her...I let her sit and watch all the kids and just "survey" the situation....In about 20 min-1/2 hour...off she goes and basically comes to find me for water...hahaha..she plays awesome and I can actually see she's having fun!!!! If I had ignored her constant whining at first...I would have completely missed that I was doing more harm than what I THOUGHT was good....so I think every child is different...and every situation can be different as well!

There are also times she cries just because she wants to play with playdoh and it's bedtime...again...times like that I just say "no thank you...it's almost bedtime...we will play tomorrow" and walk away....she can sit and have her 2 minute temper tantrum and then we move on and read books and she's happy as can be!!! Oh kids are the best!!hahahaha

 

[Annie77]

This might not be a very popular response but I for one did not pick up my babies all the time when they cried.
When they were first born, I would put them down awake and they would grizzle. I wouldn't pick them up and cuddle them off to sleep but I would sshhh them, pat their tummies until they calmed down and went off to sleep. If they cried out in the night I would go through to nursery, make sure it wasn't a dirty nappy, coldness etc then again sshhh them off to sleep without actually cuddling them. On occasions I would lift them, rock them til they started to calm down then lay them down awake and pat their back or tummy til they had stopped. Both my daughters slept through 10-7 from around 12 weeks, despite being breastfed. At NO point did I ignore their cries.

Why did I do it this way - because for one I have a chronic back problem and a 7/8lb baby doesn't stay that size for ever. If I got into the habit of lifting and rocking or cuddling my babies my back would have been a real problem. Also - it appeared to help my girls self-settle.

Secondly, my friends got into the habit of taking their baby into bed to avoid the middle of the night crying and 10 years later, he and two following siblings are still in the bed most nights and they are the most miserable couple I know with zero sex life and zero quality time.

Thirdly I planned to have many children and knew that one day it wouldn't jus be ne child expecting to be picked up every time the cried but also their younger siblings.

I guess I am old fashioned and doing this way is old fashioned but in my defence my kids are now 7&9, very affectionate and also very confident. People tell me I am just lucky but believe me it was bloody hard work resisting cuddling my newborns or taking them into bed instead of sitting next a cot or bed for half an hour at 4am, patting their tummies and shhh'ing them to sleep. I have friends who did similar whose children are quite needy and I have a friend who never stopped holding her baby whose child is the most insecure & needy child I have ever come across. Every child is different but I think the most important thing is to go with your own beliefs and instincts and know when something isn't working and don't be afraid to try something new.

 

[bekkie]

I always picked up my son as soon as he started crying... I cuddled/nursed him to soothe him, and to put him to sleep - and he's a confident little 3 year old now. I still pick him up and cuddle him when he's upset, he can't put all of his emotions in to words yet and sometimes he just needs to cry - heck... there are times I can't put all of my emotions in to words and I just start crying, and I've been around 10x longer than he has! Cuddle them for as long as you can... because one day they might not want to!

We co-slept for the most part for about a year and a half - then one day he was just ready to sleep in his own bed! We still cuddle first thing in the morning when he wakes up, and we might have a bit of a set-back when he realizes baby is sleeping with mommy and daddy... and that's fine. It's such a short period in the grand scheme of things...

They always cry because they need something... maybe they just need a hug - or they just need some mommy or daddy time... I don't get why that's a bad thing? They're just babies!!

Just do what feels right for you... and if it feels wrong, then please... don't force yourself to do it - we tried CIO (crying it out) 1 time when DS was about 6 months, because so many people told us we had to - and it was the worst experience ever... It works for some people... but it was definitely not for us.

 

[NaturalMomma]

The "old fashion" way is actually to keep your babies very close to you and to sleep with them That is how humans started out and it wasn't until more recently that people started not attending to their crying babies and having them sleep in seperate rooms.

We bed share and created very indpendent children. Studies show that bed sharing/co sleeping and attending to their cries create indpendent children (and that goes beyond the first year). Kids who are very dependent is more likely due to other factors than sleeping with their parents, unless they are forced to, which isn't a normal bed sharing relationship.

 

[Annie77]

The "old fashion" way is actually to keep your babies very close to you and to sleep with them That is how humans started out and it wasn't until more recently that people started not attending to their crying babies and having them sleep in seperate rooms.

We bed share and created very indpendent children. Studies show that bed sharing/co sleeping and attending to their cries create indpendent children (and that goes beyond the first year). Kids who are very dependent is more likely due to other factors than sleeping with their parents, unless they are forced to, which isn't a normal bed sharing relationship.

'Old-fashioned' in my terms is what my mum and aunts would have done. With centuries of parenting behind us I guess the term old fashioned can mean virtually anything lol!

Studies show all different results - depending on what you are looking for and that comes from a health professional who is used to years of studying child and adult development. I fully respect your opinion and what works for you is great but would like to reiterate that I do not ignore or withhold attention from my babies when they cry - simply that I do not pick them up and cuddle them every time they cry. I 'think' at the end of the day, all babies are different but what can impact or influence how a child develops confidence wise is more to do with their parents attitude in general. A mother like yourself who is happy and relaxed with co-sleeping is going to have a happier baby than a stressed mum who gets stressed with feeling they have to lift/cuddle/sleep with their baby. Babies pick up n these feelings and I think there is a lot to be said for happy mum, happy baby - stressed mum, stressed baby.

Not all mums enjoy constantly carrying their babies around, especially if they are tired, have other young children or are in physical pain doing so - therefore they should find another way to deal with crying which creates a win-win for both mum and baby.

 

[NaturalMomma]

^ No no, I did not mean you ignore your children. I have no doubt that you are a very loving and attentive mother to your children

My grandma wasn't a very loving mom, and she's not a very loving grandma or great grandma, so I will not follow in her footsteps (hides).

 

[babyhopes2010]

i believe u can.

i did with mine now shes a nightmare

 

[lynnikins]

The "old fashion" way is actually to keep your babies very close to you and to sleep with them That is how humans started out and it wasn't until more recently that people started not attending to their crying babies and having them sleep in seperate rooms.

We bed share and created very indpendent children. Studies show that bed sharing/co sleeping and attending to their cries create indpendent children (and that goes beyond the first year). Kids who are very dependent is more likely due to other factors than sleeping with their parents, unless they are forced to, which isn't a normal bed sharing relationship.

'Old-fashioned' in my terms is what my mum and aunts would have done. With centuries of parenting behind us I guess the term old fashioned can mean virtually anything lol!

Studies show all different results - depending on what you are looking for and that comes from a health professional who is used to years of studying child and adult development. I fully respect your opinion and what works for you is great but would like to reiterate that I do not ignore or withhold attention from my babies when they cry - simply that I do not pick them up and cuddle them every time they cry. I 'think' at the end of the day, all babies are different but what can impact or influence how a child develops confidence wise is more to do with their parents attitude in general. A mother like yourself who is happy and relaxed with co-sleeping is going to have a happier baby than a stressed mum who gets stressed with feeling they have to lift/cuddle/sleep with their baby. Babies pick up n these feelings and I think there is a lot to be said for happy mum, happy baby - stressed mum, stressed baby.

Not all mums enjoy constantly carrying their babies around, especially if they are tired, have other young children or are in physical pain doing so - therefore they should find another way to deal with crying which creates a win-win for both mum and baby.

I actually have taken a similar but individual ( according to my child ) approach, with my eldest he just needed shhh'shing and his tummy rubbing to go back to sleep, I never let him get to a full screaming cry but would go at the slightest grizzle and see if i could help him from one sleep phase to the next without him fully waking up, My second didnt respond the same way much to my distress and we bedshared till 9 months when he moved to his brothers room and only woke once at night for a week for a feed then stopped his night feeds and settled, ds3 was very similar to ds2, I have always tried to get to my children when they cry but theres a disticnt difference between a cry and a whine or grizzle and my children dont get cuddles for grizzling and whinging at me I tend to their needs as best that I can but my children have grown up learning that they can calm and settle themselves too they dont NEED me everytime to do that for them. I think this is because I taught them how to do it, with 3 young children and one on the way I simply dont have time to drop and run for every whimper any of them make but they are all confident to come to me when they need my love care and support. Im the first port of call for all of them when they have an unfufilled need. And i honestly dont believe a woman when they say they have never let their baby cry because its humanly impossible to pre-empt every single cry and sometimes kids just have tantrums. that doesnt mean I walk away from their tantrums and leave them to it but I teach them how to deal with and manage their emotional responses instead

 

[aliss]

I certainly don't believe you can, and I find some of the "baby training" that some girls believe in here to be completely strange to me. Put baby down, don't hold them, space out feeds, give them water at night... whahhh!??? In my family's culture, babies are responded to immediately, always held, always fed when they make a peep... I'm talking babies right, obviously if my toddler is screaming, I get down and talk to him rather than pick him up (he's huge!). I've got 60+ years left in this life to not snuggle or hold them when they need it, why waste the little time I do I have by not doing so???

 

[mandaxx]

Not that I have any research to back it up (but I could probably find some) but I would think the seperation anxiety comes from when a child ISN'T taught they can rely on their parents for what they need. If they are regularly denied love, support, and just knowledge someone is there for them then the start to get anxieties surrounding their parents. I'm having a hard time getting this through to my DH too that yes a child can be independent and attached to a parent at the same time.

Do you have any children that you've gone through this with to make your opinion valid? Separation anxiety is a developmental milestone, not a result of not holding your baby. I give both my children lots of cuddles all the time, yet one didn't have it and the other does in abundance. It depends on the child. She is very much loved and comforted, breast fed and co sleeps with me. She most certainly hasn't 'learnt' that her parents don't meet her needs.

 

[30pkfr]

I understand what everyone hear is saying and they are totally right, i dont know whether u mean the answer to be like this but if you mean when they do things like cry to be picked up as they dont want to walk? I mean obviously you should never make a toddler walk far they get tired alot easier then us but at the age of two they can deffinatly understand that if they cry theyl get picked up because they dont want to walk, you have to play it fairly really though, your child could be ill or had a rough night etc, but if it is a constant thing them crying because they dont like walking you should tell them in a calm voice, stop, we are only walking a little way we arr nearly home and then you can sit down, they will soon get into the routine, same with if they arnt eating, they deffo know that by crying ypu may move them off the table or something, dont do this, keep trying and say look we can go and play after youve eat this, or right no pudding, etc, its not cruel to take away a childs pudding at the age of two if them not eating is a constant thing, if a child is hungry, theyl eat, fair enough if its a one time thing an they dont like it dont do it then, but by all means dont feel like your child crying you have to all the time go to them, by two they are fully aware and behaviour will drop if your doing ot all the time, same if they dont get enough attention, as a mother/carer you'll know when there just playing up xxx

 

[mandaxx]

They have different cries for different things, and you get attuned to them very quickly. In the early days they like to be held a lot and its perfectly fine to do so. Look up fourth trimester.

 

[kanga]

For us the realisation is just coming now at 20. Months

IME the more attention you give the less separation anxiety. I'm still waiting for it! Could just be personality As well though. We could talk all day about nature vs nurture

 

[iluvmyfamily]

Newborns definitely cannot get spoiled but I think it's around 6-7 months when they recognize if they cry you'll come to them. I dunno if they cry purposely to be picked up or what, but I know all my kids would cry more around that age and stare at me so I can pick them up lol. My 10 month old started that at 7 months and he's still going at it. I love it though - no issues with it here! I read if you don't go to your baby when he/she is crying, it makes them think you'll never be there for them. Babies need reassurance. I think it's cute actually.

 

[lozzy21]

I think i stopped picking her up everytime she cried when she was about 7/8 months. I would respond to her straight away but if i was busy doing something that would be finished in the next few mins i would finish what i was doing while talking to her first.


Seperation anxiety before 18 months/two years is a normal part of development but anything lasting longer is usualy because the child does not trust that their needs are going to be met.

Parent goes for a wee and toddler hurts its self, starts to cry and parent runs straight down and gives it a hug. Toddler knows that if they need parent they come so has no issue with parent going out of room.

Same thing happens but the parent does not come down for another 20 mins, toddler is going to learn that if i cant see them and need them they dont come so i dont want them to leave me.