Care providers: Straight out with it vs sugar coated?

[Celesse]

Just wondering how people's health care providers have spoken to them through out the miscarriage process and what your preference would be. Have they been sensitive or straight forward, pussy footed about or been a complete insensitive prat?

Initially the scan tech tried to be a bit subtle and cryptic. He was meant to scan me and then sent me up. I just asked him straight out, "so what are we seeing here". He still seemed very uncomfortable in conveying bad news.
The nurse was much more up front and was completely straight forward with her language. I got the impression she could adapt to whatever the communication needs of her client. I went in and was very matter of fact about things, so she was too.

I don't think I find it very helpful when HCP's are overly nice. I just want facts from them. And I don't want them to be too nice as that would leave me emotionally vulnerable. I'd rather be emotional at home and just deal with the practicalities when face to face with a HCP. And in order to deal with certain practicalities they need to be blunt.


But.....I do reckon that the upfront approach I would find most helpful would also feel cold and insensitive to someone else. Just as a more sensitive approach someone else would find comforting would annoy me and leave me feeling patronised.

So I was just wondering what other peoples experiences of communication from health care providers was like. Too cold? Insensitive? Too fluffy?

 

[oneKnight]

I'm smart and I know what's going on, and I like it when my doc talks to me like they know I understand, instead of acting like they have to talk to a "dumb" non-doctor.

Though, when I got bad news and just put my head down between my hands, my doc was graceful enough to bow out for a few minutes for me to collect myself. Perfect combination of facts and tact IMO.

 

[Angels4]

After 4 miscarriages I prefer to be told honestly what is happening. The worst thing was for my last one where everyone was being 'too nice' apart from the midwife who bluntly told me to look at the ultra sound screen saying 'i cant see the babys heart beat, but look, you can see his face!'

Worst thing EVER! I just started bawling my eyes out and my husband told her he couldnt believe she just said that!

Xo

 

[aimze]

My first scan I knew myself it wasn't good, I saw a perfectly formed 8 week baby but no HB...

She spent a while searching before saying "it's not good news" my poor husband thought she was joking because he could see a baby!

The second time I also new it wasn't good...I knew exactly what an 8 week fetus should look like. I spent enough hours on YouTube looking at scans!

I think they should tell you as they see it, don't keep you waiting but then should leave the room or offer you somewhere quiet to sit to get it into reality that's the situation...not pack you out the room quickly!

X

 

[aimze]

Omg angel! That's awful! Hardly a consolidation is it! X

 

[Celesse]

Having somewhere private after getting bad news would definitely be a massive bonus.

In the hospital I had my first two children in you got scanned by a gyne nurse who then talked through things with you. One room, one appointment. Although the scans I had in this department where both good news I can really appreciate how the set up would be ideal if news were bad.

The hospital I'm now under scan you in the x-ray department. Its not a early pregnancy only, its not even gyne only. I was waiting with young men and elderly people and I'm pretty sure the tech will have spent most of the morning scanning kidneys and other parts of the body. After the scan I was told I needed to go up to the early pregnancy unit.....in another department (on the gyne ward) and on another floor. So within 2 minutes of finding out my baby is most likely dead I was sent to try and navigate an unfamiliar hospital.

A case of institutional insensitivity for sure! I can imagine it must be a totally horrific experience for some people.

 

[Nina83]

The first time (MMC) we went to the womans ER because I had some random spotting.
The doctor was incredibly nice, and I even looked him up afterwards because I though of going to him again.
He simply said "I'm sorry, I don't see a HB". Afterwards he apologized he had to give us bad news. The next day when we went to my doctor, he was also very gentle, but very, technical I guess you would say. DH was next to me and he pointed out everything. Where this was, that was, this and that... measured, explained.
He was very sympathetic.
The next time it happened, same story. I was supposed to be 6 weeks, spotting started the day before and started bleeding the next, when I was supposed to have a dating scan. Poor DH was sure everything would be OK. Again, the doctor explained the size, where's what...
I remember I just felt so bad I ruined his week. I was his first patient on a Sunday :/
While I was waiting outside for bloods to be taken and sobbing he passed, then took a step back, came over put his hand on my shoulder and said "Are you alright? everything will be OK" Both times he told us to come back soon with good news.
I think I am incredibly fortunate to have a doctor I actually like.
During these MC I don't think I've encountered one medical person who talked badly towards me. Only one nurse who took my blood asked if this was my first, I shook my head and she said "second? no children at home?" and then said something about how unfortunate I was to go through this "wonderful" experience. I don't think she meant it in a bad way, but it was right after hearing the pregnancy had ended so, yeah. Not what I wanted to hear.

 

[Mellymel]

Honesty.....or I'd just like them to tell me something. My pregnancy was full of lack of information from my GP and Technician (I wrote about it in a post). The Technician didn't say a single thing to me during the US. My dh wasn't even asked to come in with me during my 12 week scan. I didn't have any other scans before this because my GP didn't do anything.

Based on the experience with the US tech I was not confident with the results. I wanted a 2nd opinion and was not given the chance. I was essentially forced to have a d&c within less than 24 hours notice and was not given any explanation as to the reason for the rush. When I told the OBGYN who did the d&c about my discomfort about the US results he just told me that there was no heartbeat. The US tech only had the sound on for 5 seconds. The lack of honesty and details is killing me as I have no closure after 3.5 weeks post US.

 

[Katt36]

Great question!!! I prefer the straight forward approach and I will deal with my emotions at home. I am going through an unknown right now in my pregnancy! I have to get more blood work today. My first HCG was 75 then five days later 175 then two days later 375. So they didn't go up through first round of blood work but more than doubled the second time. My Dr still thinks numbers are low . I go back tomorrow to look at results of blood work from today. I just want my Dr. To be 100 percent honest with me tomorrow. I love my care providers and they have been a good balance of honest with a glimmer of hope. I don't want to count myself out this round but I am also trying to remain level headed. I think empathy is a God given gift, some people lack it. I don't want someone to feel sorry for me rather understand what these situations bring up emotionally.

 

[loeylo]

I prefer the facts, but presented in a nice way. With my first, they were horrible to me- as in, really horrible. They used the words "for the best" and "it probably had something wrong with it" and repeatedly told me that it was common and my next pregnancy would give me a baby (guess what guys, it didn't!) and that it would happen at "a better time" - I think the problem was that I look really young (I could have passed as 14, but I was actually 21!) and that they thought I wanted to miscarry or that I wasn't stable enough for a kid as I went to the hospital without my boyfriend (I just so happened to be with my friend, and hadn't even known I was pregnant nevermind miscarrying!) they referred me from A&E to a maternity unit at another hospital, using our own transport, as I was supposed to be getting a scan. When I got to the second hospital they repeated all the tests that I had already gone through (urine test, bp monitor, heart rate monitor and feeling my belly) before confirming that I was pregnant AGAIN and sent be back home, told be to call the early pregnancy unit who would "deal with me" as they apparently "deal with pregnant people and not people who may already have miscarried" and asked me to "calm down" because my heart was racing - bearing in mind I had been in two hospitals, found out I was pregnant (we hadn't been trying) and that I may be miscarrying as I was already severely cramping. Oh, and I overheard a midwife calling for a cleaner because "the one who came for a scan even though she only found out she was pregnant an hour ago has peed all over the floor" - actually, I had used the tub they provided for a urine sample (I had obviously gone over the toilet!) and then placed it on the floor, and the tub was burst.

The epas were much better than the maternity unit, I have to say!

Second time round I can't praise then enough. I went to A&E due to cramps, and they confirmed my pregnancy and assured me that it was normal, but referred me to the epas, who were Brill. They scanned me at four weeks and then each week afterwards, and when I had my "bad" scan they respectfully told me they couldn't find a heartbeat, then left us for about half an hour, asked if we would like some more pictures, and then took me away from the scan room and discussed how I wanted to manage my miscarriage. They didn't ask for a decision straight away, they gave me loads of leaflets and offered me investigations despite the fact it was only my second miscarriage. They called me the next day and asked if I had decided, then invited me back up to go over everything if I wasn't sure, which I did. They then allowed me to go to a different hospital to get my scan to confirm my uterus had emptied (I went natural) so I didn't need to relive the memories. It was such a different experience!

 

[Starry Night]

I would rather a doctor be straight up with me because then I can actually believe them when they give me good news. In my experience, when the doctor is downplaying what is going on they are actually trying to blow me off. Basically a "you're fine and you're wasting my time by being here".

I also hate when the scan technicians won't tell you anything. I feel like saying, "I'm a big girl, I can handle it!" Don't leave me sitting here to try and interpret your cryptic remarks. It doesn't help no one would give me the results right away. I had to wait to see my gp and the receptionist would always book me in for weeks later, never understanding that I was waiting to hear if my baby was alive or dead. I don't want to wait 3 weeks! With my last two losses the technician was so nice and actually showed me the screen even when the baby had already died. I'd rather see it. It gives me closure.

I haven't gotten too many truly insensitive remarks from doctors and staff. I don't tend to cry as it is going on (unless in physical pain) so I guess they don't feel the need to comfort me or tell me to get over it.

 

[Mellymel]

I also hate when the scan technicians won't tell you anything. I feel like saying, "I'm a big girl, I can handle it!" Don't leave me sitting here to try and interpret your cryptic remarks. It doesn't help no one would give me the results right away. I had to wait to see my gp and the receptionist would always book me in for weeks later, never understanding that I was waiting to hear if my baby was alive or dead. I don't want to wait 3 weeks! With my last two losses the technician was so nice and actually showed me the screen even when the baby had already died. I'd rather see it. It gives me

It is horrible getting nothing at all from the technician! What I wouldn't have one to have seen a picture of my baby. I asked but was denied. I fortunately was able to see my GP the next day. I can't even imagine having to even wait 2 days.