Carriage before Marriage or Marriage before Carriage?

[Kiki1993]

This issue is really confusing me, I don't know whats for the best, if we don't get married first we can try next december, if we do get married we have to wait for a baby until june 2017.
My question i guess is do you think it is important to have a baby after marriage, if so why?
I would like a wedding, i dont know what would change i already feel married lol, but i do like the thought of it being "official" ... on the other hand i want a baby so badly!!

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

My view on marriage is that it's great to take care of legalities, like being able to file taxes jointly and getting to see the person if they end up in the hospital, etc. It shouldn't affect a relationship, or make it any more special. I personally don't care if someone has a baby and they aren't married, as long as the child is provided for and loved.

We started trying before we got married - it just so happened that I ended up pregnant from our honeymoon. And we only got married because he was joining the military, and we have to be married for him to claim me as his dependent.

As long as the parents are a strong unit and dedicated to their family, a piece of paper doesn't make much of a difference to a baby.

Think about it for awhile and decide which one is more important to you and your values. There is no right or wrong decision, just what works best for you.

 

[LaylitaGypsie]

For me personally, I'd say carriage before marriage. However, I never plan to get married, so it's not a concept I fully understand (after all, to me, it's just a piece of paper)
But, since it's not my life were talking about, which is more important to YOU and your Oh? I don't really imagine it making too much difference either way, since both will happen. Both have pros and cons. So really, which feels more right to You?

 

[prettybirdy27]

I don't really feel like there's a "right" or "wrong" order to do this in as long as you, your OH, and your baby are happy and well-cared for.

 

[spicyorange]

I'm a strong supporter of marriage, being married helps through the bumps in life (including baby bumps) a way of publicly delaying your in this together always so personally I wouldn't have considered baby first but it depends on your view of marriage and how important it is for you. Dint know your circumstances but I think it's a decision only you and partner can make

 

[Kiki1993]

See I think my OH is only saying he want to get married because he thinks thats what I want, I do kind of want to get married just for tradition but i do not see anything wrong with being a unmarried family. I don't have kids but I do worry, does me not having the same surname as my child become an issue at all?
My OH kinda just nods along when i talk weddings, he sees it as a waste of money because its 5000 for a piece of paper, i'm split, i like the idea of a wedding but it would mean no holidays (3 holidays for the price of the wedding), waiting even longer for kids etc .. We have been together almost 6 years and i see all our friends getting married and i i want that but we dont have parents paying the wedding like they all do :/ Im just confused and so is he, we want to be together and can't wait for kids but if we get married we want to have our nearest and dearest which is 50 ppl minimum, and we have costed it on budget to 5000 minimum and we just don't know what we want. Thanks for the replies, i'm hoping ill get an epiphany or something where everything will become clear x

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

My mother and I had different last names throughout most of my childhood and she never had a problem with it. She also had the birth certificate that showed she was in fact my mother, for the places that required proof. But I don't think anyone really questioned her about the difference. Divorce is so common now, along with mixed families, that the last name not matching up isn't all that rare.

We had a big wedding with my first marriage, and I felt like it wasn't worth it. It was great to spend the day with family and friends, but there were so many other things that money could have been spent on. My now-hubby and I eloped then went on a honeymoon, which worked out because the money that would have been spent on a wedding was instead spent on preparing for baby. I also loved being able to just focus on him since it was our special day... with the big wedding I swear I barely saw my ex with all the people that I had to talk to and thank for coming, etc. Just another option if you hadn't considered elopement.

 

[Kiki1993]

I'm kind of leaning towards just having a baby, if it isn't too big of a deal and baby wont have a "stigma" .. OH family had a massive fallout over his sisters elopement so thats a defo no! And if i was to ever get married i do want my whole family there. Thanks though
It is interesting to see the different views on it.
The only other problem is i am only working part time because ive went back to college which means i would only get 60 quid a week mat allowance.. partners wage covers bills but i hate being a burden financially, i always pay my way

 

[spicyorange]

I'm guessing from your user name that your early 20s so pretty young when it comes to kids, but that you shouldn't but you do have plenty of time.

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

People are going to judge, no matter what. Especially when it comes to babies! Whether it's because you did breast or bottle, went back to work or stayed at home, cuddled them a little too much or not enough, let them eat a cookie or completely banned sweets... I don't know what it is about having a child that make people think they're free to pass judgment. You just learn to shrug it off and focus on your family. It's also becoming common to have children outside of marriage; I imagine it will be more acceptable as the years pass, just like other "controversial" things such as mixed couples/gay marriage/etc - the younger generations tend not to care as much as the older/traditional generations.

I get the money thing; it was tough to adjust from being the top earner to being a SAHM relying on just his income to pay for everything. As long as the bills are paid though, it doesn't really matter who earned it, and I get to keep our daughter home until she's ready for school.

You could start setting aside money for baby too, that way it's less of a money shock when you do finally get around to that. And you'll be prepared for any surprises! If you're back in school focus on that to help pass the time, and you still have awhile before decision time.

 

[tinkerbelle93]

We had our son (unplanned) first then married when he was a year and a half. I was keen for us to be married before we had anymore children but we had a small, inexpensive wedding so it wasn't too much of an issue. If I had wanted a big wedding then it would be harder to decide because it would mean delaying it for a few years for saving. In real life I know a real mix of people who decide to get married first, people who have their babies before getting married then those who do not plan to marry their partner at all, so I guess there isn't really a 'norm' nowadays. Personally though, I would have preferred to be married first and I'm glad we now are for future children

 

[Pearls18]

I don't have an overarching opinion for everyone of course, it's each to their own, but I am a bit of a traditionalist so would always pick marriage before babies I think it sets a stable foundation, however, we fell pregnant (by accident) when engaged so I don't practice what I preach! I couldn't have a baby with someone who wasn't committed to marriage though, marriage is very important to me and not just a piece of paper.

I don't get the whole big wedding thing, if you've got the money then that's great go for it, but I wouldn't put my life on hold to save up for one party that delays other aspects of your life. If I was ready for marriage and a baby I would have planned a wedding that was within our budget as it is the marriage that is important, not the wedding. Which is what we did in the end when DS1 was 3 months, we still had the church, the hotel, the wedding we wanted but we cut back where needed.

I just think it's tidy to have the wedding first lol, especially as we've had to wait to go on honeymoon! (Hopefully next year!)

But it depends what marriage means to you and why you're doing it. If it is just for the sense of occasion, then I guess that's not so important to happen before the baby.

 

[Pearls18]

Oh and just to add I always said beforehand that I didn't care what order it happened, I was 22 and SO broody, I just wanted the baby. It was only once we had fallen pregnant unexpectedly that I realised how much getting married meant to me in other ways, we had already planned the wedding to happen in the December (found out we were pregnant January) and I wished through most of the pregnancy we had married first, but saying that, I didn't want a shot gun wedding, I wanted us to do it and be seen to be doing it because we wanted to, not had to lol, although most of my family and friends still probably don't realise we had planned to marry later that year as we weren't officially engaged when we found out we were pregnant!

It sounds daft, but it did feel different being married when we had our second.

Also, it's stressful planning a baby when you already have kids, you have different priorities, I think you'd probably get a lot more enjoyment out of it beforehand, but again depends what kind of wedding etc you're going for.

 

[staralfur]

I got pregnant before we were married (or even engaged), but we had been living together for 4 years by that point, so I don't think our commitment was in question. To be perfectly honest I would have been fine not getting married, but my husband asked and I had of course planned on being with him forever anyway, so we got married. It was fun and I'm glad we did it, but I don't think it changed our relationship's dynamic or level of seriousness at all. It was plenty serious before we got married! I also didn't take his last name so while I'm married, I still don't have the same last name as my LO. None of it really matters to me. All that matters is that she has two parents who love each other and love HER above all else.

So, in short, I am not traditional in the slightest and don't see getting married before having kids as being at all important if you're in a committed, stable relationship.

 

[Kiki1993]

Thanks for all the replies, I guess we need to mull things over, we were going to go to gretna but to bring our nearest and dearest the price goes up to like 2000 anyway, add petrol to get to the venue it would be just as cheap as having it close to home.
Thanks again x

 

[crazycatlady5]

I say marriage before carriage. You could have a short engagement and start trying sooner.

 

[zazie]

I think it is a personal choice and depends on what is the best option for you and your oh, there is no right and wrong choice. That said, for me personally I am glad I got married first and got to have that time with just me and dh as newlyweds. We are finding this time really special. Also if you want a big wedding it is much easier to save and to spend the money, when you have children there are so many other expenses and priorities.

 

[Kiki1993]

Thanks to everyone for their inputs and opinions, me and OH had a long long talk and decided we will take it one step at a time, we were going to just get married but we started looking into money side and once we move out we wont be able to save enough for a small wedding, just £200 spare after bills while i'm at college! We are going to take it one step at a time we think and do what feels right for us
So that could be baby first or marriage, will just wait and see how we feel.

 

[Buffyx]

I wanted to be married before I had children. Not really sure why? I'm guessing because that's what my parents did, and that's what I always imaged myself to do. I however, have no negative feelings towards people who choose it to do the other way around

 

[Accountess]

Marriage first.

Best for all those involved:https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/20/national-marriage-project_n_931974.html