choosing not to bf

[mummy2_1]

Hope this is allowed here if not I'm sori, didn't know where else to post it.

So first off want to say i think those able to bf are amazing strong women and i totally support bf it's just not for me and this is my.reason why

After my lb was born nearly 3years ago, he took t bf straight away. In the hospital the mw left us to it as they saw and thought he was latched correctly. By the time I had realised I'd done it wrong (3days later) my nipples were badly cut and bloody.
With the help from the bf services here (daily house calls) they assisted with nipples shields and positioning, I would express to keep up milk flow but my milk would be pink due to the blood. I was so upset and felt.like a failure. On one occasion I just could not get my son to latCh he cried himself t sleep on my lap and i juSt sat and had a melt down. I gave up after three weeks of exclusive bf (wrongly latched) 1 week expressing after that I turned to formula.

I had a relatively straight forward birth. I was still recovering from a graze during labour, I was exhausted and emotionally wrecked. Those first few weeks are haunting me and I don't want that this time. I wasn't myself and want to be able enjoy my new baby so have decided not to bf. While in the hospital before my milk comes in i will latch baby and feed. But when I get home I've made my mind up and will not bf. There is alot of guilt with this decision. And that is why I've decided to feed while at the hospital so i know baby will get the best bit.

Again I think women who bf are warriors and beautifully talented. It's my decision and don't want t be swayed. I've come to terms i cant bf properly and don't want the feeling of failure weighing down on me at such a vulnerable time.

 

[Monzter79]

I'm not sure why you'd feel like you need to explain yourself... To anyone. Ever. It's not like there's some checklist - where if you go through x,y, and z- it's then "acceptable" to give up trying to BF. That decision is up to you and only you, and it's really not anyone's business.

You don't need to explain, defend, or seek anyone's approval. You're just a mom who chooses to feed her baby. Society will judge you whether they see you feeding from a bottle or your breast (especially if there is some shocking glimpse of sideboob, horror!). Just own your choice and don't worry about it!

You mentioned you weren't sure where to post- there's a breastfeeding loss support sticky in the formula feeding section you may want to check out.
Best!

 

[glitterfly]

Gosh firstly I second what the PP has said... You should never justify yourself although I completely sympathise in your guilt. I don't blame you in the slightest bit for choosing to formula feed after that horrendous experience. I'm just so sorry that you didn't get the support you needed.

Don't beat yourself up though. We have to do what's right for us as well as baby and if FF means a no stress mama for your precious LO, then that's your path... I wish you the very best of luck for whatever path you decide to take. Please don't feel guilty though, embrace the precious newborn moments together. Wish you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy.

Xxxx

 

[newlywedtzh]

Hm I'd have to say I disagree with the other replies. I'm curious as to why you felt the need to post this if you didn't want to be swayed? I am not judging you and I can understand where you are coming from as I had many many latch issues in the beginning and the first few weeks were horrendous! So I really do empathize. But guess what? After about 6 weeks of stress but also dedication everything worked itself out. And what is 4 weeks in the scheme of things? My little one is now 8 months old and I refuse to see anyone give her a bottle bc breastfeeding is that special to me. I am a bfing advocate not because I am juding other women and am "anti-formula" but because I want women to experience this same joy.

Listen, every baby is different. This new baby might come out and be a natural and latch onto the breast perfectly! But if you don't at least try, You really will never know. Maybe if you go in with a different mindset things will be different. It sounds like you didn't have much help the last time around and maybe you can seek help earlier this time. Successful breastfeeding requires loads of support.

The early weeks are no walk in the park, but you can do it- IF you want to. I am not judging you, just trying to sway you a bit because it is something that I feel that passionately about so hope you don't take offense

 

[mummy2_1]

No offense taken. I posted as i wanted to read about other women's similar experiences to feel less guilty about.my.decision.
I enjoyed reading ur successful experience too. I'm so set on my decision as i feel in control and know I want t feel as prepared as i can be for a time when no matter how much prep and organising goes out the windoW
I'm very obsessive with being organised and have my steriliser and dozens and dozens of bottles at.the ready. I also want.oh to feel needed as.early as possible he's since.admitted.he didn't.feel bonded.with our lb when he was first born as he was constantly.attached to me and . Am upset he feels this way. So again bottle feeding.will allow us both to bond with our lo.

I received alot.of help to bf in the early weeks. In the hospital they thought he was latched so i was discharged quickly. At home when the mw visited and noticed he wasn't she got in touch with the service (known as babe's in UK) and they visited when lo was 3 days old. Aided with support encouragement and nipples shields, nipples creams, and positional advice. I was still unable to latCh lo correctly and would get so upset during their visits and when they left.would.feel such a failure. I understood the theory and the attachment latching but just couldn't get my son to take all of my nipple to the back of his mouth. He would only take the Tip

Maybe I did give up t quickly but I don't feel guilty anymore for my decision to quit bf. It was something I wasn't any good at and didn't.come naturally t me.

I get very jealous when i see women bf. I wish I could have.done it. But the bond I have with my lo since.giving up being so stressed and worried about failing to provide, is unbelievable. I want to give the same bond to my new lo when they arrive. I want to bond and feel the love i had for my lb after I gave up bf. I dont want to feel that failure and stress of bf so won't address it at all. Does this make any sense. It does in my head

I'm sori if my Stubbornness about.not trying T bf offends, esp to an advocate as it's something ur deeply passionate about.

Thank you to all the ladies who have commented

 

[newlywedtzh]

It makes total sense. Listen above all I am for mothers following their instincts. And if you feel this is the best decision for your little one than that is the only validation you need

IF you ever find yourself changing your mind at all please PM me and I also have a great bfing post I wrote in my blog (link is in my sig). Congrats on the new baby and best of luck!

 

[noon_child]

I totally understand your reasons, I was on the edge of giving up so many times and looking back I can't remember ever thinking my baby was cute, wanting to cuddle her just for the sake of it, or any feeling of bonding. Even now when people ask why I kept going I have no idea!

However breastfeeding, and getting women the support they need, has become a real passion of mine, so much that I'm now a peer supporter for other women going through the struggles I did.

As pp have said, every baby is different as every birth is different. You may find that bf comes more easily at the hospital this time, maybe not, but you are giving it a chance by feeding those first few feeds

From your post it sounds like this experience has really traumatised you. This isn't to be underestimated - loss of bf and traumatic experienced make real lasting impact on our psychology. I'm one of the lucky ones who managed to cling on, and finally getting bf established successfully was one of the things that helped my scars heal. You haven't had that healing experience, so you still feel like you "did it wrong", "aren't able" to breastfeed and are a "failure". I'd just like to say that you aren't!

If I hadn't continued breastfeeding my LO (and therefore would feel a failure even though I wouldn't be) and was facing a second baby I'd be feeling exactly the same as you - convinced it wouldn't be worth losing those first weeks bonding with LO to try to do something that was doomed to fail (even though it really isn't!). I understand how you feel but it makes me so, so sad. Sad the support you got was too late, or not enough or that maybe something was missed like tongue tie etc.

I hope that whatever you decide, you get to bond with your LO. I'm now convinced that I wouldn't have bonded with my LO straight away, even if I hadn't been having traumatic bf experiences, as I was too exhausted and needed time to get to know this new person. Some of us just take a while to fall in love!

 

[Meezerowner]

I had to reply as your story sounds so familiar as it happened to my best friend.

She was the first of our friends to have a baby and so we were all naive about the breast feeding experience.... its natural and easy right?
Well not for her it wasn't.

She was discharged after the minimum hours after a good birth and MW had seen baby latch. She had so much trouble with latching and bleeding and was in so much pain. She didn't tell anyone though she made out to the MW that it was all breezy and it got worse and worse to the point where she wasn't bonding with her baby and her mum noticed that she was always palming the baby off on everyone else (really uncharacteristic for my friend who had been desperate to have a child).

After a few weeks she got to breaking point and went into clinic where the midwives were horrified by the state of her nipples saying they were the worst they had ever seen. She was scarred
She went onto formula and my friend was happy and bonding with baby.

But she had the terrible guilt. She wanted to be that perfect Mum baking cakes and tending LO (should have been born in the 1950s ). Breastfeeding was a big deal to her and she felt like a failure etc etc.
She admitted to being insanely jealous of our next friend (who we all agree is the least mumsy and most frivolous person) who breastfed like an Earth Mother.... she felt there was no justice!

Fast forward to her next pregnancy and she was just like you petrified of the process and the trauma and worried that her damaged nipples wouldn't work anyway but overcome with guilt for not wanting to BF.
Well it was completely different... her DD2 latched perfectly and she had no pain and she grew well. She decided to do a bottle at night so that hubby was involved. But the two experiences couldn't have been more different.

She now has guilt that she managed with DD2 and not DD1 as if she gave her an advantage.... so you can't win with Mummy guilt!

Her experience helped me though. My BF got of to a rocky start lots of pain a bit of bleeding etc. Nipple shields and other fun stuff. But through the worse points I remembered my friend and thought "it doesn't matter it doesn't mean you don't love your baby if you go to formula. Don't let it get so bad you can't bond. We can make this the last feed and jump in the car to go get the formula." Well for weeks I thought that at every feed but never got in the car.... I just gave my self permission if needed.

I am still BF my 2.5 yo twins and my friend is still BF her 1yo DD2.

I guess what my ramble is saying is keep an open mind. EVERY baby is different and just trust in yourself to make the right decision (and sometimes that should be formula for the wellbeing of the Mum).

No guilt, just cuddles.

 

[mummy2_1]

Ladies u are a pillar of hope. I love the inspiration and can feel my self swaying but still sticking (for now) with bottle feeding. I have just found out I am.having a baby girl. So this will be a brand new experience of its own and who knows how the feeding in the.hospital will go. But for now I'm prepared to bottle feed. Thsnk you all for such kind words. They really mean alot

 

[apple_20]

I 'failed' to bf my son though I pumped instead.

This time round I was determined not to stress about it. I figured I'd probably fail again but this time go to formula.

Well 6 months tomorrow and ebf. We had exactly the same issues (over supply and overactive let down) but different babies my son choked and pulled away my daughter choked and re-latched

So I agree don't stress yourself out about the decision but your baby might surprise you and be a pro-bf like my daughter ended up being.

 

[_Meep_]

It isn't always a case of it being difficult for a few weeks before everything settles down into blissful, tender loveliness. We struggled horribly with breastfeeding for six long months before things finally started to change. Now, they are fine. Although our latch still isn't great, it's been just about good enough to get us by and essentially I'm glad I stuck at it, as finally I enjoy breastfeeding and don't dread and fear every feed.

In our case, it was a series of baffling nursing strikes, an undiagnosed posterior tongue tie and persistent breast refusal that caused such trouble. My LO has never had any formula, but I came VERY close so many times.

If I had another baby with the same attitude, would I stick at it all over again? No. I didn't enjoy my daughter's first few months of life at all. Her breastfeeding issues absolutely ruled everything.

 

[ladders]

Doesn't matter how you choose to feed your daughter as long as she's fed. Do what's right for you and your family you have nothing to prove to anyone!
And congrats on the girl!

 

[MrsKChicago]

Breastmilk is great, but a happy mama is so much more important. I was at a parenting convention just before I had my son, and there was a talk on feeding, and the presenter shared some statistics that I think are applicable here - I don't remember the numbers, but it was found that moms who plan to breastfeed and fail are much more prone to postpartum depression. Moms who plan to breastfeed and are successful, and moms who plan to formula feed from the start were basically neck and neck. I think it really pinpoints the pressure new moms can feel and that they put on themselves. You have the right to change your mind, of course, but I think you're smart to make a plan that minimizes that risk, for your sake and for the sake of your kids.

 

[mummy2_1]

It's powerful how supported I feel right now
Thank you all. For your input experience and advice. I started to lean towards at least giving it at go. But the unknown is scary and your all right my happiness will lead to happy baby no matter what I do.
I'm very confident and happy with my decision right now to feed at the hospital if at all possible and then bottle feed as sooN as home.

Meep I'm so sori it was such a hard 6 months for you and your a warrior for sticking With it.


Thank you ladders I'm so excited for her to be here and enjoy her!!

Mrskchicago I will use those statistics/facts when i try and explain my choice to family and friends. It supports the fact of how much pressure worry and stress mums experience when newborn is Home.

Xxx

 

[newlywedtzh]

Mrsk with all due respect, that is your opinion but I feel my happiness does not compare to the importance of giving my children the best start to life I can offer them (and I felt breast milk was just that) I will always be second to my children from now on. Only 1 in 1000 women physically cannot breastfeed but yes there are very real difficulties that can occur. I don't mean to turn this into a bf vs. formula debate but I really think that phrase right there that is heard often ("moms happiness is more important") is a big factor in why women give up bfing or do not try at all.

 

[mummy2_1]

Newlywed I believe breastfeeding is best. It has so many positives and advantages. There is no contest between bf and bottle feedin. Unfortunately I've ch chosen against bf this time as i had such a horrible experience firSt time. I could find it easier this time but I don't want the pressure of 'if' and the unknown.I'd rather have a.plan and be prepared mentally and emotionally. I'd probably encourage first time mum's and previous mums to try bf first, but myself this is how I've come to terms with not coPing the First.time.
I have a fantastic bond with my lb even after only bf for 3 weeks and expressing for a week after. I don't remember the first 4 weeks very well I pit this down to my bf experience, exhaustion and stress of being a new mUm.

Everyone has diff experiences and copes differently

 

[_Meep_]

Personally I think I'd have been a much better mum if I'd just given up - I got so down during our problems that there were days I didn't even want to be around my LO. Doesn't make me especially happy to say it, but there you go. When you're experiencing difficulties, especially with a sea of hormones charging around your body, it can be very hard to keep things in perspective.

 

[mummy2_1]

Meep your not alone. I dreaded my lb getting ready to feed I'd put it off for as long as possible I hated having to try to latCh him, the pain was excruciating, (obv properly done there is no pain, my nipples where so badly cut from wrongly latching by the time I'd realised I was doing it wrong)

All I kept having fed to me from my fam, friends and the Breastfeeding service help was it's natural, ur body will do it for you. Baby knoWs what to do, it will just click, it's the right thing to do.

I was fed up tired and did not want anything on me.

I don't love my lb any less and can honestly say when i started bottle feeding I would sit and stare at my son in awe. He was so precious and,feeding time became our bonding time. I'd sit and read to him as he fed or talk about family and memories and all the plans I had for him. That was my recovery.

 

[_Meep_]

I know exactly what you mean. We never had any pain but every time I'd put her to the breast, my LO would scream and strain away from me. For several months, I mostly dreamfed her.

It was devastating for me. Having spent 6-8 weeks thinking breastfeeding was going relatively well, I just couldn't understand why she suddenly didn't want to any more. Every refusal was utterly gutting.

We still don't know exactly what caused it, or why it went on so long, though we think her tongue tie and my oversupply were mostly to blame. I suffered with a heavy letdown that she just couldn't cope with (probably because of her restricted tongue) for the longest time; it took far longer than average for my supply to regulate.

I had the same crap spouted at me from people who didn't understand. If you've never had breastfeeding problems, it's impossible to comprehend what it's like.

 

[noon_child]

All I kept having fed to me from my fam, friends and the Breastfeeding service help was it's natural, ur body will do it for you. Baby knoWs what to do, it will just click, it's the right thing to do.

That's so saddening. Breastfeeding services should be helping and supporting you, not telling you a load of stuff that will make you feel worse!