contradicting parenting.. 'his' influences r making her into a nervous wreck!!

[pinkish_angel]

this is prob the wrong section to post..

I split with my daughters dad a year ago. She stops at her dads house once every few weeks (his choice.. he hardly sees her). Its been evident that lately when she returns her behaviour is different. Not so much naughty but jus 'different'. Hard to explain. Even my parents and my nan's noticed it this week. For instance, she used to hate flies and bees etc. Since her dad leaving, we have changed this by learning her that flies and bees etc are smaller than her and she is not to be scared of them as they wont hurt her etc. Now, one day out in the sun with her dad and she is back to screaming around the garden and crying her eyes up if a little fly comes by her. Her dad is the kind of person to over-react to a situation like this and drag her away from a fly or 'creature' as he calls them and tell her 'ewww get away from that NASTY creature, yak'. Now this, to a 3 year old is enough alone to make her have a phobia of flies. He doesnt seem to understand that his behaviour and actions are influencing her and obviously leading her to believe that she should be scared of such things. She also puts her head down if anyone talks to her that she doesnt know. Shy maybe. Its cause he always instills into her that she 'shouldnt talk to that stranger, quick come away' etc etc. Fair enough, strangers (wierdos) but for a 3 year old this is making her interaction with people very limited. She starts nursery in september and Im actually dreading it because she wont even speak to anyone and clings to me. All of her actions I can see a part of him in them. He is a funny guy. Has some very strange ways and he is passing these onto my daughter. We hardly speak at the min and I am debating getting the CSA involved cuz atm he gives me nothing for her. The way things are going I feel like just sayin 'get lost' cuz he is doing her more harm than good. I know I cant stop him seeing her. Plus if she wants to see him I'd never say she cant. I just feel like my daughter is becoming withdrawn and I dont like what he is doing to her. Another thing is she has started to have a nervous twitch. Not so much twitch but she opens and closes her hands constantly. Se only seems to have it when she comes back from being with him. Im not after advice really cuz I know I gotta talk to him and say 'look, stop doing this, ur making her a nervous wreck'. Just wondered if anoyone else has to go through this nightmare? XX

 

[DizzyMoo]

Hiya hun,
We all have different ways of caring for our children & we dont always like how other people bring them up or show them right/wrong etc, Him saying come away from that fly or "creature" could be how he was brought up so he wont know no different & might genuinely not mean to scare her but also not realise it will affect her either if you get me.

I'm not saying he's right at all coz it sounds daft to me too, & i've been in your shoes when my son was going to his "barely there" daddies house he would come back really hard work, he would be naughty & would act different too. I hated it but couldn't fully stop the way he was treating my son as he wasn't really doing him harm either.
I did have a word & try say look telling him this/that is making him do this/that & tried to explain how to say stuff differently, It may just be what he needs BUT this didn't work with my sons dad, he got bloody worse ! started looking through newspapers with him at age 3 & where as i would turn past page 3 his dad would stop & read so obviously showing josh the boxom beauty telling him "mummy got big boobies too" baring in mind we've been split since BEFORE josh was born, Then the next time josh came home he ran into my bedroom bottomless saying " look mummy & peter ive got big balls " ..got it out of him daddy told him , i was furious to say the least & that was the last straw (other things had happened along the way) & i just said right thats it he aint going to his dads no more & ive seen such a change for the better in my son, his speech came on loads, he wasn't being naughty i could finally instill that "creatures" dont hurt if you leave them alone etc.

Sorry for the long post but if you mention it to him just do it carefully incase he genuinely doesn't realise , if he is really stupid & a pure dunce then let rip at him.
Your daughter comes 1st & you know whats best for her, I have since stopped my son seeing his dad full stop & its the best thing i ever did!

 

[pinkish_angel]

Thanks so much for your reply. I found out today that my ex has been arguing and shouting at his girlfriend whilst my daughter is there. It explains a lot of her behavious. her nervousness.. plus why she keeps saying 'no.. doesnt matter, Im not telling you' obviously cuz he has been saying 'dont tell ur mum'. She also keeps covering her ears a lot and saying 'stop, its giving me a headache' over the slightest noise. Prob cuz she has to listen to them pair when she is at his house. I hear what your sayin bout the way my ex was brought up. He prob doesnt see the harm he is doing when acting this way about 'creatures'. Its jus so not good for a 3 year old. Surely he should realise this!! men huh?! no sense.

I see why u stopped your son seeing his dad. Does your son ever ask to see his dad or isnt he bothered?

xxxxxxxx

 

[DizzyMoo]

Well he used to ask for him every time he let him down, Or if we walked past his house he would point out "daddies house" , and every time he cried i had to comfort him & no matter what i wanted to say nasty wise about his dad obv i couldn't, But this was BEFORE i stopped him seeing him. It gradually got to a stage where he wasn't asking for him as much, & then he just stopped. Don't get me wrong i want him to have a daddy & it still upsets me he doesn't see him more the fact his daddy can't be bothered with him.
But there comes a time you have to consider your child & there health/welfare etc. I met my new boyf & i saw such a difference with how " a strange person " if ya with me treated my son that it made me hate his real dad even more.
My son hasn't asked for his daddy since feb & i've done all i can to avoid him seeing him to avoid him getting upset at a 30 second glimpse.

I grew up with a deadbeat dad so vowed i wouldn't let my son grow up without his dad but when its you in that situ & your watching your son cry day after day you do everything you can to protect & comfort them.
I'm dreading when he gets older in case his dad tries to blame me, but he's never gone for access, never asked to be put on birth cert, never paid towards him, never seen him on a regular basis, never asks about him none of his fam do. I'm there for him now & always i just hope as when he grows up he understands why x

 

[pinkish_angel]

thanks for that hun. You have sorta put my mind at ease about my situation. I believe that my daughter would be better off without her dad too. I just feel guilty that I am depriving her of a father. But looking at the big picture, and the way she is when she returns.. plus him himself not being bothered to see much of her anyway and not willing to pay a penny towards her.. it just makes me see that he is no great loss to her. xxxxxxxx

 

[DizzyMoo]

I felt awful at 1st dont get me wrong i hated the fact i wasn't letting him see his dad, i felt like the baddy but also had to stop & start really thinking what was best for my son.. Either go to his daddies & misbehave, take huge steps back in his learning, & be with a man who actually did get drunk with him on several occasions, or to watch him continually let him down aswell as not paying for him....Or to stop him going & see the vast improvement in not only his learning but his speech, & his behaviour,health & emotional state.

Made it quite an easy decision to make, His dad has paid no interest in him since either ok yeh the odd day he'll pester but thats it. I actually noticed such a huge difference in myself too , I wasn't stressing, my migraines got better, I was HAPPY !!
I still see his dad every now & then as we live in the same town & i get angry it never goes away , especially when you see them picking up somebody elses children from school but yet they couldn't turn up for their own child grr BUT then i remember MY son & how well he is doing without him. I made my way through life without my dad too & my mum did a top job, so im pretty sure i can do it too. Sometimes dads not being involved is actually the better option & only when someone is in your situ can they agree too xxx

If you decide not to let him see her no more than all i can say is stand by your decision dont start giving in time after time, This only confuses the child i did it, & i blame myself now for not stopping access earlier meaning my son wont of cried for him as much.
Once you make your decision stick to your guns, Soon as you start to see the change in her you will realise it IS worth it , besides that you will feel tons better for not having to think about the situ xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[xxannxx]

Hiya, have just read your post and have had similar experience with my ex. My son sees him every weekend and is definately a bit more of a handful the day when he comes home, although doesn't last for longer than day as he soon falls back into routine and knowing the boundaries. I also worry sometimes that his dad may be making him more nervous of things than necessary, for example my son won't sit on a public toilet as his dad has told him its dirty, even if its perfectly clean, and while just finished potty training this can be a big problem if out shopping etc. Also his dad makes him very wary of dogs, cats, any animal in fact, which though I know some animals are dangerous, think that tagging every one as the same is a bit extreme.
I also have just decided to go to CSA regarding money, as have never received regular maintenence and in fact nothing for over a year, it has been very simple to organise and am so glad, its another thing now organised without me having to go through my ex. I do think sometimes that my son would be better off without his dad, he has let him down a lot, but at end of day my son will be judge of that when he's older. However, if I thought for 1 minute that his actions were hurting my child mentally or physically that would be another matter.

 

[pinkish_angel]

Hiya, have just read your post and have had similar experience with my ex. My son sees him every weekend and is definately a bit more of a handful the day when he comes home, although doesn't last for longer than day as he soon falls back into routine and knowing the boundaries. I also worry sometimes that his dad may be making him more nervous of things than necessary, for example my son won't sit on a public toilet as his dad has told him its dirty, even if its perfectly clean, and while just finished potty training this can be a big problem if out shopping etc. Also his dad makes him very wary of dogs, cats, any animal in fact, which though I know some animals are dangerous, think that tagging every one as the same is a bit extreme.
I also have just decided to go to CSA regarding money, as have never received regular maintenence and in fact nothing for over a year, it has been very simple to organise and am so glad, its another thing now organised without me having to go through my ex. I do think sometimes that my son would be better off without his dad, he has let him down a lot, but at end of day my son will be judge of that when he's older. However, if I thought for 1 minute that his actions were hurting my child mentally or physically that would be another matter.

wow this is so similar to my situation. My daughter wiped the toilet seat the other day b4 she would sit on it. She said her daddy has told her to do so cuz its dirty. Ok maybe I can forgive a public toilet but this was the toilet at home. He teaches her to be scared of germs to an extent that Im worried she is gonna take this to the extreme for example, washing her hands a 100 times a day. xx