Conversation with my mum:( (reacting badly)

[Ilove]

Me and my mum are really close. Once we decided to TTC we told her straight away, she was thrilled as she hasnt had a chance to be a proper grandma to her other grandkids as they live far away. She sent heaps of clothes and everything (yeah, I know )

Anyway I hope you dont mind me having a bit of a vent about how shes reacted to the news that conceiving wont actually be so easy. This is what our conversation sounded like after we got the results of our second SA

Me (clearly very upset): Well we have bad news actually. *husbands* SA results came back even worse than his last, lower count worse motility etc, so were being referred to a FS
Her: Oh.
*long silence*
Her: Well I read this story in a magazine the other day. This couple had low sperm count, anyway they gave up thinking they couldnt conceive. Anyway they went on holiday 20 years later, and guess what? Yep, she got pregnant..."
Me: Well, thats nice. Hopefully it wont be 20 years for us though. They could have tried IVF and had a better chance
Her: Why are you being so grumpy? I just thought it was a nice story
Me: I just kind of wanted a bit of support to be honest, its been a bit of a blow realising we may end up going with IVF if nothing happens
Her: Well, I dont understand any of this. My problem was trying to AVOID getting pregnant
Me: Well, it works like this *explains male factor a bit*
*silence*
Her: well, anyway *complete subject change*...

She talked for another 5 minutes about irrelevant stuff and then said right Im going, bye

She didnt talk to me for almost a week then (we usually talk every other day) but I did get through to her on the phone yesterday...and she didnt say a word about it. And guess what she was talking about...Yeah, some neighbours friend of a friend who's just had an adorable baby

Sorry this has turned out long and boring. Basically I thought we could talk to her about anything, but shes being so insensitive and to be honest shes just about all we have for support. Every time we talk its all about someone she knows whos just had a baby, and when I try and talk about infertility she changes the subject or says something inappropriate

This was by no means the first time either. Ever since the 12 month mark passed shes basically implied this has been our fault (our diet, Gods will, stressing too much, just relax type stuff, you know the drill) and hasnt been a support at all

So sorry to vent. It just gets lonely sometimes, and I thought she was my best friend. Maybe its hard for her to talk about or something...but then how does she think we feel?

 

[Ilove]

Just thought I add this definitely isnt because shes embarassed to talk about these kinds of things...she talks about far more personal things!

 

[louiserad]

aww hun

I wish i had my mum around to talk to but unfortunately i dont.

Try to keep strong and it will happen

 

[sparkle83]

*hugs* That is insensitive of her, especially now with your latest news. Perhps she's worried about saying the wrong thing and making it worse?

 

[x_Rainbow_x]

maybe she doesnt no what to say i no my mum was tottally confused at first, then my mum blamed herself for me being broken. sometimes its hard for outsiders who have never experianced the pain we have to, to understand. nobody in my family understands as im the only one like me in the family thats on my mums side.

I no its upset you babe but dont take it personal sometimes others just struggle to understand its taken me 6 months to fully explain my probelms 2 ppl and they understand.

 

[Ilove]

Thanks

I have tried to explain it to her, I realise she doesnt understand it and Ive tried saying we just need a bit of comfort as its hard, but she wont listen and insists on talking about other peoples babies all the time or not talking at all. I know youre right though and Ill try not to take it too personally, I just hope we finally get through what its like for us and what this means

She has 5 kids which she conceived whilst on the pill, so I know shes never experienced this at all

 

[x_Rainbow_x]

i no its hard babe my mum had 3 girls without even trying, my sisters both have kids and no problems, and all i ever hear is dont worry itl happen, give it time, just relax.. like thats gunna help.
just take it in your stride others might not understand but you do and we can all sympathise.

 

[FEDup1981]

maybe she doesnt no what to say i no my mum was tottally confused at first, then my mum blamed herself for me being broken. sometimes its hard for outsiders who have never experianced the pain we have to, to understand. nobody in my family understands as im the only one like me in the family thats on my mums side.

I no its upset you babe but dont take it personal sometimes others just struggle to understand its taken me 6 months to fully explain my probelms 2 ppl and they understand.

I agree with this. As an outsider, i never know exactly what to say so that im not putting my foot in it. So maybe she just didnt know what to say rather than being embarressed. If shes never had any dealings with this, she probably feels lost. I agree that she couldve been more sensitive xxxx

 

[Ilove]

Im so thankful I found this place!

I guess this is just something we have to learn to take completely in our stride as you say

 

[MillieMoo]

Ahhhh!!! I'm really sorry to hear your troubles with your mum. It's just so difficult to make people understand just how hard and heart breaking this whole experience is. I sometimes wish i could make other people feel how i feel, just for a minute so they would understand. It also might make people know what to say.

You mum just might not know what to say and she's probably worried that she might say the wrong thing. As for the continued conversations about other people babies, she may think its what you want to hear.

My mum is completely the same. I tried to talk to her about my PCOS and she said she had it and concieved 3 children without even trying! Well thanks mum thats just what i want to hear!!

Its just a lack of understanding!!

I see your from the Cotswolds. Where? I grew up there.

 

[Greta]

Hi there, sorry you are going through this. I expect your mum just feels a bit out of her depth because it's a new situation and so she is trying to say the right thing but failing miserably! It is one of those situations where only someone who has been through it can find the right words to make you feel better or more positive. My DH can be a bit like that sometimes because he loves me and wants to make whatever problem I am telling him about go away, but all I want is to be listened to sometimes. There are some friends that can just do this, maybe who aren't so close to the situation. Good luck! xx

 

[Jan34]

So sorry you've met with this reaction. My Mum once told me she didn't understand it as she'd conceived me and my sister so easily. When I asked her why saying something like that would help, it turned out she thought she was giving me hope! I explained to her how difficult it was for me to hear these things and she's been well behaved ever since.

I found this factsheet from Infertility Network very useful for these sorts of reactions. You could print it out and ask her to have a read through so she can understand how she can better support you. Or perhaps tell her that you realise it is difficult for her to know what to say and you thought this might help.

I hope this helps (and I hope the link works!)

https://www.infertilitynetworkuk.co.../A Guide for friends and family factsheet.doc

 

[Helen]

I think its hard even for those nearest and dearest to us to know what to say when hit with this news. My Mum went through her own grieving process when we told her that we needed IVF and might not have any children. Could it be that your Mum just doesn't know how to handle it?

My Mum found this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pink-Girl-Happens-Getting-Pregnant/dp/1401907431 which she found really useful to understand how I felt.