Coping with Pregnancy of Others

[aintlifegrand]

I have found, that in this infertility journey, that one of the hardest parts is seeing people around me get pregnant. Right now, 3 out of our 4 siblings are pregnant. I'm finding it impossible to be genuinely happy for them, sometimes I'm quite spiteful!
Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with these feelings? I find myself pulling away from family activities and I'm already thinking about how Christmas is going to kill me (We are thinking of going on vacation to be away)

 

[Pinkie 33]

I find this hard as well. We have family and friends who are expecting and when they talk about it, it can be really difficult not to feel really envious and then straight away I feel guilty about it! I also have a group of girlfriends who dont want to have children so when it all gets too much I spend time with them as there is no baby talk whatsoever!

 

[aintlifegrand]

^Luckily none of my best girlfriends are pregnant, so I don't have to have it in my face. However, one of my besties was just married, and I know will be trying, and I'm already bracing myself.

 

[moose31]

I know what you mean since starting ttc a few of my friends have concieved,had baby, and are ttc#2. so frustrating..I have no advice for coping just wanted to let you know im right with you.....
and My hubby's bestfriend and wife just announced due in january they got married a few months after us....she smokes and drinks heavily....but I am happy for them (<---sort of

 

[aintlifegrand]

The best advice I've had so far was from my sister in law: "She said the best thing you can do is be genuinely excited and happy for those around you and be positive for them. That same energy will come right back at you. It will also fill your heart and your mind with positivity, which can work miracles"

I really do try to think about that, but sometimes I just can't passed my own crazy!

 

[xlouloux]

I'm so used to pregnancy announcements from friends and family it doesn't bother me anymore.

When my cousin fell pregnant with her first she refused to give up smoking and drinking all the way through, I was SO angry and fell out with her over it, I felt so bitter towards her. After her first she fell pregnant almost immediately, I just thought how typical of her.

When someone announces a pregnancy now I just smile and say congratulations, I know it will be me one day and I know all of those people will be congratulating me. I love the advice from your SIL, after all when we do fall pregnant I wouldn't like to think people were thinking "OMG why her and not me" which is possible as very few people know we're ttc. I do still have my down days when I think oh no not another one, but it's nothing a huge bar of chocolate can't fix.

 

[uwa_amanda]

The hardest thing about LTTTC is the feelings of jealousy and the guilt of feeling jealous towards the people you love when they announce their pregnancies. It makes you feel like such a horrible person to feel like that. I have been there and done that. I still feel that way sometimes. Right now, we are grieving over the child we may not have and it is tough. People who don't understand infertility don't know how to react and may say the wrong things...even though they mean well (at least most of the time). It can be a very lonely place when you don't know anyone in your position. I am very lonely when I am not venting my frustrations here. In my life away from bnb, I have no one but my husband. Sometimes I wish there was someone else for me to talk to other than him who is in our boat. to each and every one of y'all who are battling infertility.

 

[fisher640]

Amanda totally sums it up perfectly, both jealousy and guilt over being jealous.
It's terrible, We've been trying for about 3 years, and it seems like everyone around me is just starting to try and being successful. It's really quite tough and painful.

I do have a couple friends who are going through different infertility struggles, one adopting since she lost important parts due to childhood cancer and one who has had 6 miscarriages. I know me just not being able to conceive for no reason isn't even close to either of those situations but it's nice to have people who know my emotions and it's also unbelievably important to have the support of all the ladies on here.


unfortunately I don't have any advice on how to cope since I'm not doing a particularly spectacular job with my own coping.

 

[PinkPeony]

You're lucky you have some ppl in your life with similar troubles. I'm on here all the time bc I don't have anyone to talk about it with.

The worst thing for me is how oblivious and insensitive ppl can be. I get it bc if I conceived right away maybe I wouldn't consider that the person I'm talking with could be struggling with infertility. I try to keep it together and be happy for my pregnant friends but when I sit there and all they can talk about is they're pregnancy or worse COMPLAIN about it... Well that's when I come home and bawl my eyes out. It's really tough. My DH is really wonderful but the jealousy thing is one thing he just doesn't get.

 

[Armywife84]

I don't cope well.

I just finished dealing with one SIL (we had a falling out because of some snarky comments she made about me) now the other is pregnant with #2. It's hard because I feel like the IF outcast in DH's fertile family.

We're lucky that we live a couple of states away and pregnant SIL lives on the East coast. I dread visiting their home because babies and fertility are constantly brought up, even though they're completely aware of our struggles. Not to mention their living room is chock full of baby pictures, something that makes my anxiety skyrocket!

I make excuses to avoid events of where nieces, nephew, SIL will be present. In fact, I'm skipping a baptism this month. If I see bitchy SIL, I will break her face.

 

[hopefull85]

i now what you are going through i am the only sibling out of 6 of us that dont have kids. and i just had to deal with my younger sister in law having her 2nd child. it was so hard at first and we had a huge fight about it and i was called selfish by everyone in my family. because no one in my family has infertility issues. it still gets to me but he is a week old and i just cant get enough of holding him and loving on him. its not his fault. so i guess the way i cope is to just push it to the back of my mind.

 

[aintlifegrand]

I'm getting better, still never easy. I have hosted two showers for my sister and law, and will be doing the same for another sister in law. Its all just a little too much sometimes

 

[hopefull85]

I'm getting better, still never easy. I have hosted two showers for my sister and law, and will be doing the same for another sister in law. Its all just a little too much sometimes

i agree

 

[tamithomas]

Totally on the boat with you ladies. Have a friend coming over in a few weeks and she will be 36 weeks when she visits. It's another millionth "oops" pregnancies. I can't count on my fingers and toes anymore the amount of oops pregnancies I've been announced since DH and I started trying 3 years ago. My only coping mechanism is using my DH as an emotional punching bag as in letting me let all of my feelings out. As well as cry...a lot. Especially when your side of the family is extremely fertile practically at the sound of sneeze someones pregnant. I'm really hoping one day it's our turn. The friend visiting knows to keep her trap shut about baby talk luckily. This year was the first year I skipped my annual family reunion because it's always nothing but bumps and kids everywhere. My breaking point that made me stop going is when my aunt at the age of 47 was walking around with a bump. Like really? Not to ruffle feathers with the older TTC'ers, I apologize if I offend in advance but really A 47 year old on the verge of metapause is aloud to get pregnant but a "healthy" 23 year such as myself can't? And no, she was not TTC at all it was purely accidental.

 

[sharnw]

Im on the same boat...

It is hard...

Especially when the family starts saying "its your turn now".... If I hear another family member say that to me again, Im going to burst and maybe throw in an say- "Yeah well, you help pay for the freckin IVF treatment...!

Hmmmmm

 

[CanadianMaple]

Since we found out that DH had zero sperm, we have heard of 22+ pregnancies. Now, before you think I'm exaggerating, I swear, it's the year of the baby around here. Every couple we were in marriage prep with are pregnant or have had their baby. I have 3 pregnant close friends. Two coworkers are pregnant. It seems like every area in my life has someone pregnant or with a newborn. I know I have never known so many pregnant people at all once in my entire life.

It's been really, really hard. I'll admit that there are times where I am spiteful and judging their family situation and wondering if they "deserve" to be pregnant. I have avoided seeing one of my friend's newborns because she was not happy about having a 4th baby. I have cried a lot over the past few months. I have even found myself pinching myself while hearing a pregnancy announcement to avoid crying.

I am doing better, but find that I really need to compartmentalize the news. Like almost look at it like if it was me announcing a pregnancy, and then not let myself think about it. If I start thinking nasty thoughts, I need to remind myself that it isn't fair for me to think that because of my pain. I went through a stage where I really hated myself for my thinking and had to really dig deep to change my inner thoughts. God, I hate even admitting to my bitterness.

It helped to tell a few people about our infertility and have others pass the news on so that others would be sensitive to us.

If you have to avoid these people for a bit, that's okay. If you need to cry and feel angry about how unfair life is, that's okay too. I'm actually thinking about going to counseling too, to help us deal with the infertility (sterility) diagnosis and to work through this part. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

 

[curlygurl]

Hi, I just wanted to stop in and let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Everytime I turn around someone is pregnant. We have been TTC for nearly 18 months, and in that time I have had a lot of friends become pregnant, with their first, and second babies. So how do I cope? LOL not nearly as gracious and wonderfully as I would like to, but I try my best, I am happy for my friends and family...just sad for my husband and I.
I see a counselor occasionally which really helps to just talk about yourself and how you feel.
And I also have noone that I could really share this infertility with, all of my friends got pregnant very quickly, but I have confided in my very best friend who is such a sweet and sensitive person. When she finds out one of our other friends is pregnant she calls to let me know privately before the "big" announcement happens, so I have time to cry, and get angry, and when the announcement comes I can be happy and excited. Noone can really understand what we go through if they haven't gone through it, but I am sure you have someone in your life who is like my friend sweet and sensitive, and will cry with you and keep your spirits up. I also think when we finally get to make our big announcement all of our friends and families will be happy and excited for us, and all this other stuff that we have dealt with will be a distant memory. I hope that everything will work out for you soon.

 

[RKW]

I always try and think all the bfp announcements are future friends for my baby, and people who will give us awsome hand me downs!
But this weekend has been a shocker, 4 prego's announced. I nearly broke down, and all will be at my wedding lovely and round. Then I feel awful for being jealous, and like a shit human being, as I'm so happy for them all.
Hard times.

 

[aintlifegrand]

I'm supposed to go on a weekend family trip toward the end of July. It's my husbands family and his pregnant step sister will be there. I have been racking my brain to think of excuses not to go. I really just don't think I could be around her.
I'm still not quite over the way it was "announced" to me. Everyone is aware we have had a hard time, and have gone through so much. For some reason, they decided the best way to "break the news" was to tell me before a baby shower I was co-hosting, really!? I think one of the reasons it really upset me, is up until then, I considered us close. We had just been to dinner not long before. The appropriate time, would be when we were at dinner, not when I am co-hosting a baby shower!!!! It made an already difficult weekend, the worst of my life. I cried for days, it probably also didn't help that she is 4 years younger, just started trying and is now the 3rd of our 4 siblings that are pregnant right now.
I am so torn on if I should go on the weekend vacation or not. I just think it will be very painful for me. Everyone tip toes around us now (they are well aware that the "announcement" was not received well) and will just make it awkward. I feel horrible that it's come to this, skipping family vacations, but I'm not sure I can see another way. Any advice is welcome.

 

[hopefull85]

i have had 2 pregnancy announcements on facebook in the past few days, last night at the store a girl in front of me was pregnant as well as the cashier im like OMG REALLY!!!! but the good thing was that my doctor appointment went well and at the end of this month i will be taking my first round of clomid. its like everyday you wake up and someone you know or a celebrity is pregnant you think well hell why why why. i hope that all of us ladies in here get our BFP's really soon cause it sure does suck to fake being happy when you know your are in pain