Coping with the guilt

[pachamama]

Hi ladies,

I notice there are a number of threads on here at the moment about stopping breastfeeding.

My story is that I breastfed my son well for 3 weeks until we both got thrush - this resulted in my left nipple losing most of the skin and cracking and a very deep crack appearing in the right nipple. The pain was excruciating and despite us both being on strong medication - 3 weeks later the pain and the thrush continues. I started to exclusively pump about 10 days ago because I was beginning to not want my little boy anywhere near me and was in tears at every feed...

I am still not particularly enjoying this experience but want to do what's best for my boy. Sometimes though he looks like he wants me to be sitting and playing with him but I'm sitting pumping milk instead. I'm beginning to wonder what he needs more - my milk or attention and play? I'm also beginning to get properly exhausted as I have to feed him, express, sterilise all through the day and the night... it takes aaaaaages.

So, to cut a long story short I think for my own sanity I need to slowly cut down on the pumping and start to introduce formula milk. The problem is that everytime I decide to do this I feel really guilty - it's like all the healthcare professionals I've ever met are standing in front of me tutting and shaking their heads and judging me. I'd give anything to be able to make this decision knowing that it's absolutely the right thing for me and my baby and not look back with regret and guilt. I don't want to feel bad every time I look at him - that's not fair on him or me. Any words of wisdom on how to do this??

Thanks for reading.

x

 

[MrsT&Ben]

You have to do whats right for you and your little boy. Health Care professionals are not with you when your in tears trying to feed your son.
I FF my son and dont regret my decision to switch. I didn't get on well with bf as my son would not latch on. I could of persisted yes but I was close to breaking down and in need of some sleep.
As for the constant cycle of sterilising, bottle making etc it gets easier as does everything.
You just need to get a routine going. I sterilise and make all my bottles after my son has gone to bed in the evening. Some mummy's dont agree with storing up feeds but it works well for us.

Good luck with what ever decision you make, just remember happy mummy = happy baby xxx

 

[bubbles123]

Ah hun, I've done the pumping every three hours to get a few ozs, sterilising the pump and bottles, topping up with formulas then starting all over again thing - it's exhausting isn't it? And yep, you do feel like you have no time for your LO (or sleep!). I was only able to keep it up when my Mum was around to take care of my son whilst I pumped. I eventually lost it and cried hysterically for an hour when faced with the breast pump, my mum had to send me to bed and I slept for 10 hours! Then I decided to go with the formula and regained my sanity. Like you before that I was seriously beginning to resent my son.
At the end of the day, you have to decide for yourself whether you want to continue or not. I believe inside your head you know what is right for your situation. You are important too and need to be kind to yourself. Looking after a baby is incredibly hard work at the best of times, let alone with extra stress on top.
But, oh the guilt. It's awful isn't it? I do really think there is a serious issue with this at the moment and to be honest I think it's really going to start affecting women's mental health and relationship with their babies if it doesn't stop. I was lucky that I had a really supportive doctor who made me realise I had done my best and that there was simply no reason to feel guilty. He was incredibly angry about the pressure being out on women to breast feed at all costs regardless of their personal situations.
I'm by no means over it, I still feel bad and worry that every time he gets a sniffle it's all my fault but time is a great healer.
I hope you can make a decision that is right for you and your family.
Take care and all the best

 

[Odd Socks]

i went through something similar, in my case, bella would scream for up to 5 hours when i tried to breastfeed her, & would eventually either fall asleep through sheer exhaustion or latch on, suck for 5 minutes then start again. there was nothing wrong with her latch, the amount of milk i was producing, & the midwives were completely out of ideas for what to try. in the end, we went back to hospital, they told me bella was starving hungry which was why she was screaming all the time, & we introduced formula, while i expressed about half her feeds.

a couple of weeks later, i felt the same way you did. bella needed me to look after her, which i couldn't do when i was expressing for half an hour after each feed. we returned the pump to the hospital once i'd finally made the decision - i went back & forth for about a week, changing my mind every few minutes. bella's now completely on formula.

i did, & still do feel guilty. i was lucky in that the midwives actually supported my decision, they actively encouraged it for both mine & bella's sake. they were concerned i was en route to suffering pnd. the guilt i feel is down to me. i was determined to breastfeed & was devastated when it didn't work. nothing prepared me for what might go wrong, & i wrongly assumed anyone could do it. i can see bella's a much happier, more content baby now than she was, & i can devote much more of my time to her

xx

 

[bky]

Pumping is hell. It really is. I had to give up pumping because I'd put my LO down and she'd just cry while I pumped, which stressed me out, so I made less milk. Ugh.
You have to know you're doing your best. Because your best is what you can do, and keep doing with everyone happy. If you could do any better you would.

 

[Justagirlxx]

What he needs more is for his mommy to be happy. Your emotional well-being is WAY more important than breastfeeding. Dont feel guilty hun. xx

 

[lukesmom]

Oh my god ladies-why do we put all this pressure on ourselves?
I was CONVINCED that the PND I had with my first son was down to that fact that I couldnt breastfeed him-he wouldnt latch on so I gave up and FF him as I had started to not want him near me-I didnt bond with him for ages,ended up on anti d's for 2 years,so this time round when Jake latched on straight after birth I was sooo chuffed but this time instead I was constantly paranoid that I was doing it wrong,and when Jake lost over a pound at his first weigh in it didnt do anything to make me feel better,I carried on though even though I was driving myself crazy but to cut a long story short he still wasnt gaining much weight by last week and I was at the end of my tether so i made the desicion to FF him,but at the bck of my mind was the nagging little voice-the "breast is best" saying,the fact that my midwife had come out loads more than she probs should have to help me with BFing,the fact that hubby had ben so chuffed that I had managed to bf this time.At the end of the day everyone knows that BFing is best for bubs but sometimes its just not best for mum and Im sure that our babies and families would prefer us to be happy and contented-even if we do feel that we are surgically attatched to our sterilizers! I know that I certainly feel better now the desicion is made,I feel like my old self again and some how closer to Jake.I know that FF doesnt do any harm and if my thriving gorgeous 3 year old is anything to go by them Im a happy mummy.Lets give ourselves a break mums.xx

 

[pachamama]

Thanks ladies. It really does help to hear your thoughts and experiences.

It's such an emotive subject isn't it, how we feed our babies? I feel it right down to the core of my being. I know you're all right when you say that my mental health and happiness is more important than breastfeeding him because he needs me to bond with him and love him. I think I somehow mistakenly believed that my breast milk equated to love - and that's just wrong - I can see that now...

You're so right lukesmom - we need to give ourselves a break!!

Thanks again everyone.

x

 

[Mynx]

As everyone has said, you have to do what's right for your health hun. There's no point in trying to battle in a no win situation.. the more stressed you get, the less milk you'll make and your LO will also pick up on your stress.
I had latch issues (and back pain issues) with Evie and had to give up after 2 weeks and I was gutted. Absolutely gutted. But when I was trying to feed her, I'd be sat on the sofa in floods of tears while Evie would latch and then fall asleep so I was constantly tied to the sofa. I had problems due to SPD after I had her too which meant I was in constant pain while trying to feed her, so I decided, with the support of my OH that I would FF instead.
Once she'd had her first formula feed, she slept for 4 hours before waking for more and wouldnt fall asleep on the bottle! I was amazed at the difference. Her jaundice cleared up within a few days and she was more settled overall. This really put my mind at rest that I'd done the right thing for both of us. My well being and my baby's well being quashed any guilt that I felt about giving up BF.
As someone else has said, happy mummy = happy baby and vice versa
When Evie was first FF, I would hold her close to me while I was giving her a bottle, so we didnt lose that closeness that you get with breastfeeding, and that really helped keep the bond between us.

 

[Mrs Doddy]

could you express until you feel better from the thrush ??

 

[NG09]

What he needs more is for his mommy to be happy. Your emotional well-being is WAY more important than breastfeeding. Dont feel guilty hun. xx

Totally agree, no point BF is you are miserable doing it

 

[brownlieB]

I'm one of those that recently posted a thread on stopping BF and starting FF. For the first few days after making the decision a part of me did feel that people would be shaking their heads, and I actually said " I'd failed" then I realised i'm not a failure in fact i'm quite the opposite I was doing what was right for my baby!!

The health professionals work from a text book, and alot of them don't have children themselves and haven't had to watch their baby get so distressed it makes you cry because they just can't get what they want.

I began to think why am I doing this?? For babies benefit or mine as at the end of the day all you'll get is a pat on the back from fellow BF and the baby tbh just knows it was fed it doesn't really care where it came from!!

When I made the decision to stop it was after 5 days my breasts were so engorged they were mishapen and my little girl just couldn't latch and if she did so much milk was coming out she'd choke and carry on screaming, now she's exclusively FF she's happy, content and never has to work/wait for a feed.

I wouldn't have it any other way, I have friends that were and are successful Breast feeders and I think , good for them it worked, but as my Midwife said she got the good stuff in the first few days and imo apart from being easier to digest she's not missing out in any way by having formula now.

Don't feel guilty over any decision that you are making as at the end of the day it's in the best interest of your baby and what more could he want x x x

 

[pachamama]

To MrsDoddy - the plan was to express until I got better from the thrush but it's been nearly 2 weeks and the thrush is still there, although less so now. Also the cracks in my nipples are still there - and are still very painful - just healing very, very slowly... It's so difficult to know what to do for the best...

x

Thanks to all.

x

 

[Mrs Doddy]

Have you tried a cream to help ? Sore nipples are horrible or been to the doctors? It sounds like a long time to heal x