Could this be PP OCD or PPD?? (Long)

[Jary]

My baby is nearly 9 weeks old and I've been having intrusive thoughts about hurting her both intentionally and non intentionally. It terrifies me that I see these images in my head and I get so upset over it. It makes me feel like the worst mother in the world. The guilt is awful and although I don't want to hurt my baby and I really don't think I will, I still have this fear that I will one day. I also have disturbing thoughts that someone else will take her away and hurt her and I won't be there to save and protect her.

I know this sounds so awful, but I'm not looking to be judged and I am going to seek help (I have my post natal check tomorrow at the doctors) because although I don't want to admit I have a problem I know its for me and my beautiful daughters best interests.

I've spoken to my OH about it and he is fully supportive and doesn't believe that I'd hurt her. It still didn't make me feel any better but its good to know that he knows and hasn't ran for the trees! He even joked that in Scrubs Carla expressed that she had thought about throwing her baby out the window!

I don't think this is depression. Maybe it is a form of it but I don't feel depressed or hopeless or anything like that and most days I'm fine but every now and then an awful thought sneaks in my head. I love my life, my daughter and my partner who has been my rock for the past (almost) 6 years. We may not have a lot of money at the moment due to me being on maternity leave but that's pretty much the only issue we have and even then we aren't in a pile of debt. Alice is such a good baby, her only issue being colic in the evening...to which I never get those thoughts only worry about her being in pain and wanting the answer to making her all better. She even goes to sleep on her own in her cot and has done since 4 weeks old!

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to speak out about it and wondered if any other mums have experienced something like this? Again I'm not looking to be judged, I feel bad enough as it is :'(

 

[teal]

you're not the worst mother, you're an amazing mother because you've been brave enough to write about how you're feeling.

It's definitely worth speaking to your GP. Good luck tomorrow.

I had PPD and I was definitely depressed, although at the time I was in denial. If you're feeling ok most days maybe ask about something like CBT. I found counselling combined with antidepressants much more effective than antidepressants on their own.

The intrusive thoughts aren't your fault post partum mental illnesses are awful xxxx

 

[Jary]

Thank you. Is CBT therapy? Sorry I don't know the abbreviation!

It isn't a nice feeling at all especially when I don't have a reason to feel this way. I did have LO lying next to me in bed earlier (followed co-sleeping rules!) and a sense of calm came over me as I've been thinking about this all morning. She really does light up my world which is why it makes me feel even worse that I'm having these thoughts!

I just hope the doctor understands and doesn't feel that Alice is in any danger. It'd be my worst nightmare having her taken away from me!

 

[teal]

Sorry, CBT is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I just get so used to writing abbreviations.

My GP and health visitor were understanding and never once did I feel I'd lose my son. I think it's definitely a positive that you recognise something isn't right and are upset with the intrusive thoughts.

I remember feeling so guilty that I had this wonderful little boy and felt so awful all the time. It's frustrating. Just remember its chemical, not character. You're doing nothing wrong. I hope you get on ok tomorrow xx

 

[Shan4609]

Hi I'm going through the same thing PND sever anxiety, I have been feeling just like you.. Since my LO was 6 weeks old. I didn't tell anybody till 2 weeks ago and she is nearly 7 months old! You should be proud of yourself for admitting these thoughts, they are so disturbing, my daughter had colic too and I never one had these thoughts when she was having a screaming fit it's just the 'what if' I have heard it happens to the moral of people, the fear of what if I did hurt her, things on the news don't help me either I put myself in the situation and feel so guilty! My gp has prescribed me citolopram and put me down for some councelling as a few things happened after having my LO, I truly thought I was a bad mother and if I told anyone they would think I was nuts, I'm not, the fact you feel guilty about this shows you wouldn't hurt your child I have been on meds for two weeks and starting to feel a little better, I also just ordered a book of amazon which is a CBT self help book, to change the way you think and react in certain situations, I wish I went to the gp sooner as I don't think I would have got so bad! We can all get through this horrible post partem problems its better to talk about it with somebody, my boyfriend had no idea I was feeling the way I did until I told him and my best friend, when I told my best friend she admitted she was in the same boat when her LO was born! So weird I didn't even know! But you will feel better going to the gp and remember your a fab Mumma! and your doing something about it good to chat on this too xx

 

[Jary]

Thank you Shan. It is good to talk about it because its like having this shadow hanging over you and I just want it gone so I can really enjoy my daughter. I feel good this afternoon as I've been to a nurture group and its nice to have a chat to other mums. I didn't mention how I'm feeling because its a little too personal to share to mums you know. It's easier to speak to someone you don't I think. I'm hoping I won't need medication mainly because I'm breastfeeding, but if it comes to that then I'll do whatever it takes to get rid of my 'demon'

I don't think I have as many thoughts as I did a few weeks ago, maybe because I've been trying to imagine the thoughts as something physical and then I destroy them in my mind...if that makes any sense! But it doesn't matter, cause one thought just sets me back

As I'm typing this my little sweetie is smiling up at me and gurgling away. She's so perfect so I don't want to be tainted by this anymore.

It's good to know there's others that understand

 

[Jary]

Spoke to doctor about it, she's happy that its normal and said to just mention it to the health visitor at nurture group so they are aware and they can see how I'm coping. She said it was good that I was able to talk to my OH about it too (who came with me for support) and should I find its getting worse then we can try some counselling.

So I feel better that she doesn't think I'm a mad woman!

 

[Shan4609]

I'm glad everything went well and you are coping too, I also had a appt with my gp today as a follow up for starting my meds and she said she can see an improvement with me and is very happy with me so far, she also said she doesn't think ill need councelling as I am coping ok too, she was impressed with me I feel good apart from my swollen thyroid and I have to have an ultrasound next week so doesn't help with my anxiety and my googling about it!! xx

 

[Jary]

Good luck with your ultrasound! Hope all is well. It's always the waiting around that's the worst!

Glad to hear you're feeling good too. Like today I've felt good and not had any bad throughts. It's helped having another person know about it

 

[teal]

I'm so glad you got on ok xx

 

[Shan4609]

Mee too! I worry myself sick about my health and I'm only 22! Not normal lol but hopefully nothing to worry about.. Yeah it does help I haven't had any thoughts today either my daughter is poorly at the min her eczema is all inflamed and weepy! And she won't stop scratching bless her! She's fast asleep now so long soak with the Yankee candles burning! Will be perfect!! X

 

[Jary]

Ouch I had baby eczema and it continued through into my childhood and I get some still even now. Tho I had a break in pregnancy! It's come back now tho and it sucks!

Bath sounds lovely. It's good to find time for yourself and relax. LO is wide awake at the moment but luckily her colic seems to have settled for the night. Tho she is farting like a trooper!

 

[Shan4609]

I have it too! It's horrible so I know how she feels! Poor little thing! Ahh it was lush!! Ahh I don't miss the colic nights that's for sure! Have you tried coleif? my LO was bottle fed and I used to put the drops into her bottle it massively improved when I used that, you can use it breast feeding too, works wonders, nothing else worked for me xx

 

[Jary]

I've heard of colief but its expensive! We use dentinox and I usually express a bit of milk in a bottle and put it in there. She hates the taste of it if I give it to her directly! I get such a dirty look lmao

And she hasn't had it bad at all this evening, we've read her her bedtime bunny book, she had a feed and put her to bed so OH and I are just chilling out now.