Could use some advice - ex

[Louisandemma]

Hi lovely ladies,

Some of you may remember me, I've not posted in a month. I have a 4 month old little girl I've now not seen in six weeks. I've only met her four times altogether.
It started out with my ex being in love with me, while I have a girlfriend. She was resentful.now, I think she's over me, but she's built up so much hate for me. She claims she's not stopping me from seeing my daughter, but won't set days for me to go round. I turned up a few weeks ago because she keeps ignoring me, and she called the police and claimed harassment.

As you can guess she's not allowed me on the birth certificate. I've been to a solicitor and started court proceedings, but so far she's ignored the letters (besides sending me a laughable message saying suit myself, that it'll take me years). My family haven't met my little girl.

My ex also messaged my fiancée yesterday.. To say she's always hated her.

"I'm Emma's mum, Are you his girlfriend? "

Could really do with some advice

 

[Mummy1995]

I know it's hard hun. But I wouldn't turn up again, just maybe keep texting/emailing things offering money and asking to see her. Write EVERYTHING down and save all messages and print them off. Anything you do, or don't do now can be used for or against you in court. I'm having the opposite problem with my daughter's dad!

I'm sorry you're going through this try to keep plodding along and never ever give up, your daughter is worth it, even if it takes 5 years to see her! (Which it won't) hour ex is burning her own bridges right now and ignoring solicitor letters etc with just bite her in the bum eventually.

You're doing really well and like I've said before we need more men like you in this world. It infuriates me when people use their children as weapons

Feel free to message me whenever or add me on Facebook if you like if you want to chat to someone x

 

[Ceejay123]

Oh honey that's awful! I'm so sorry that some women can do this stay strong. Will she agree to mediation? X

 

[daneuse27]

Yes, I remember you. Emma is a lucky little girl to have a dad that cares so much and is trying so hard to be in her life. It will one day work out, I promise - but the hardest bit is going to be right in front of you.

Your ex has been through, and is going through an extremely hard time. There are no words for how hard it is to be a single parent, and especially to have the other parent choose to be with someone else over you. In that regard, I can really sympathize to how bad your ex must be feeling. Don't be surprised if she resents your fiancee for a very long time.

That being said, you can't stay with someone just because you have a child together and you've done what was best for you and what is overall best for everyone involved. Eventually she may get over it, and thank you for being honest with yourself and with her. Although that day may be far in sight.

I don't have much advice other than for you to know that you're doing the right thing, and to remember and appreciate what your ex is going through. Continue to be kind and respectful towards her - do not ever say anything nasty or lash out, because as PP said, anything you say/do can be used against you in court. Continue to pay child maintenance, and keep receipts of everything you buy for your daughter (food, outfits, toys etc.) All of this is proof of your commitment and devotion to her.

Also, if you haven't already - remind your fiancee to treat your ex kindly and respectfully no matter what abuse she sends. Since you're marrying this woman, her behaviour could affect how much involvement you have in your daughter's life. All your ex would have to do is point out the woman you married and tell the court why she's not fit to be a stepmother, and that would keep her (and you) away.

Also, I'm not sure what kind of help your ex has, but maybe aside from visits, you should offer to do some favours for her and Emma. Things like buying food (once she starts solids) cleaning, dishes, organizing - lots of things really, take time and its hard to do them on your own and watch a kid at the same time. Maybe you could offer your ex to come over to her place and help her out with some tasks. From the perspective of a single mom, I would LOVE any offers to help me out at home.

Again, you sound like a loving and devoted dad, and I'm sure your ex girlfriend and the courts will soon see that, and realize Emma would be much better off having you around. Hang in there.

 

[Zondon]

Absolutely agree with Daneuse27; she's given you some great ideas there!

I'm sorry you're going through this; I imagine this situation is very difficult for both you and your ex, but however difficult it is you absolutely should have some access to your child. I hope you can come to a good understanding in the end or at least to the least painful arrangement for all involved...

Zondon

 

[blamesydney]

My FOB just had another baby with a girl whom he broke up with, and she is so bitter that she has NEVER allowed him to see his daughter. Not once. She had security escort him from the hospital when she was being induced and never even told him when she was born. I can definitely empathize with you, considering he is a great father to our daughter and there is literally no reason for him not to see his daughter except the fact that he broke up with her. She is selfish and has bribed him by saying that if he doesn't take her back, he will never see his daughter.

He went a got a lawyer first thing. They sent a court order that she has to get a paternity test, since he was never allowed to sign the birth certificate. Once that is established, they will simply build a case and take her to court. We are in America, though, I'm not sure where you are, so things could be different!

Best of luck x

 

[Louisandemma]

Thanks guys. I know everything's going to kick off soon, because me and my fiancée plan on TTC. These are the messages so far, I've told my fiancée to ignore her for the time being until I decide what we should do.

Kate (Emma's mum)
I'm Emma's mum, are you his girlfriend?
Sophie
Hi Kate, yes I'm Lewis's girlfriend. I think we've spoken before.
Kate
Okay.
Sophie
Did you want to talk to me about something?
Kate
Not really. Just needed to put a face to a name.
Sophie
I see, I'm sorry.
Kate
Ha.


I also spoke to Kate's mum yesterday, who for the first time... Hasn't blamed me. She said to me 'just give her time, she's struggling with the idea of giving up control', I just said 'I understand that, I do. And I feel awful, but she's being selfish. Her needs shouldn't come before Emma's, and she's putting her feelings first which is affecting our daughter. It's unfair for her. ' she agreed, but pretty much had a 'what can you do' attitude, and begged me to get my solicitors to back off.

 

[Ceejay123]

Wow, what a difficult situation.

I think you should get your fiancée to do one of two things:

1. Ignore Emma's mum if she can't be civil. (Though shes been Nice so far ) It's much better to say nothing, than say something bad.
2. If she tries to talk to her, be friendly. She doesn't wanna be the bad guy.

My oh has an older son, and i was told quite early that his mum hated me/had a massive problem with me. In turn, I harboured resentful feelings towards her and believed everything bad that was said about her. I'm not proud of all of that. However, a year or so ago we spoke( thankfully after i had riley as it changed my perspective a lot)civilly for the first time. Turns out we're more alike than I ever would have thought, and I end up agreeing with her just as much as I do my other half. We get on well, after everything that's happened.

If she gives in and says anything bad, or hurtful.. It will be held against her, and a bad relationship with your ex isn't what she wants. If you're trying to conceive, your kids are going to be siblings, she'll need to try to have a civil relationship at least.


As for you.. My only suggestion would be to keep doing what you're doing. I think daneuses suggestions are brilliant. Keep providing, keep asking nicely to go see your daughter, and document everything. Don't turn up again, hard as it may be. And if her mum will talk to you, talk to her.. But don't pester her. Carry on with court until you're seeing your daughter regularly. It'll definitely complicate things between the two of you... But what if she never gives in? You'll have to go through with court in your daughters best interests. X

 

[daneuse27]

First off, I second Ceejay's suggestions - also brilliant advice.

I have another suggestion too, and I might be overstepping by saying this, so I hope you dont hate me for saying it - but... do you think you might be rushing things with your fiancee a bit by TTC? Of course you're entitled to do things as you wish, its 100% your decision and I'm not judging you. I'm just worried how this may affect things with your ex and in court. In another post, you just wrote that you can't offer your ex much in terms of finances because you're a student. Having another baby will be hugely pricey and it will mean less support to the daughter you already have.

From the ex's point of view, she has seen your girlfriend become your fiance, and soon she'll hear that you two are TTC, and from her perspective (and the way she might make it look in court) is that your daughter doesn't seem like a huge priority because you're trying to make a new family before being able to offer her adequate maintenance.

This is none of our business, and family planning is a very personal decision so its YOUR choice. Im just pointing out how this may look to your ex and the courts, and how it may affect things legally and financially. I hope I didnt overstep too much! Good luck with all this, and I really hope your ex comes around soon.

 

[Louisandemma]

First off, I second Ceejay's suggestions - also brilliant advice.

I have another suggestion too, and I might be overstepping by saying this, so I hope you dont hate me for saying it - but.... do you think you might be rushing things with your fiancee a bit? Of course you're entitled to do things as you wish and obviously you can't let your ex's feelings or behaviour get in the way. But in another post, you just wrote that you can't offer your ex much in terms of finances because you're a student. Having another baby will be hugely pricey and it will mean less support to the daughter you already have.
From the ex's point of view, she has seen your girlfriend become your fiance, and soon she'll hear that you two are TTC, and from her perspective (and the way she might make it look in court) is that your daughter doesn't seem like a huge priority because you're trying to make a new family before being able to financially support the daughter you had with her.

This is none of our business, and family planning is a very personal decision so its YOUR choice. Im just pointing out how this may look to your ex and the courts, and how it may affect things legally and financially. I hope I didnt overstep too much. Good luck with all this.

You're not overstepping, I value everybody's opinions.

I've been with my fiancée for over a year now, we plan on Ttc in 4-6 months, making it around 18 months since we got together. Sophie has a good job as a pharmacist at our local chemist, with a good wage. The reason for trying so soon with Sophie is that she's been diagnosed with a fertility problem (I'm sorry, I'm awful with the names), which could make it difficult for her to conceive, getting worse as time goes on. We're trying to avoid medications and ivf. I'd also like my daughters/daughter and son to be close in age to have a good bond, we only plan on having one child, and obviously I have Emma.

We've kept our engagement private, from all friends and social networks. Only close family know, as we don't want Kate to find out until she's more understanding of our relationship. We don't want to 'rub her nose' in it, so to speak? So Kate doesn't know that we're engaged, and we won't tell her about Ttc until Sophie's pregnant, which could take a long time.

I start university in the autumn, which means I will be able to provide more for Emma. At the moment I'm at college five days a week. At university ill be studying 3 days a week and I'm already being interviewed for a bar job on campus on my hours/days off in the week, leaving me with my weekends free to see Emma.

I'm hoping that in the next few months Kate calms down, and accepts that we need a friend-type relationship. She can't just.. Not be in the same room as me. That'd be awful for Emma. I just don't know what to suggest or do any more, in regards to her. She doesn't want to see or hear from me, but how can I just... Leave her alone, when my daughter lives with her.

 

[daneuse27]

Ok, I see, that makes sense now

Just keep talking to your ex. I can feel her pain, because my FOB is single, but if he was with another woman, I would livid. (And I left him, so I can't imagine the pain if it were in reverse.) So your ex's pain is understandable. I can guarantee you as a single mom, she is probably very busy and maybe overwhelmed with all the responsibilities. So thats why I think you should just keep offering to help out with things; offer to take over for a night while she catches up on sleep, offer to cook her dinner, offer to play with Emma. Offer to babysit, so that she can go out with friends/go on a date or just have some 'me' time. Go over there with clothes/toys you've bought for Emma, and just keep trying and trying and don't give up. Hopefully she budges and sees that your presence in Emma's life is for the best, regardless of what happened between you two. Keep telling her that you love Emma and that Emma is the most important thing to you in life (if you mean it, of course.) It makes my heart melt every time my ex says that about our daughter.

 

[Louisandemma]

I feel so angry with her, but I'm having to hide it, if you know what I mean. To try to understand this is hard on her, while she's not trying to realise its hard on me. It feels like everybody understands how it is for the single mum and they often do amazing jobs. But in my group of friends, in her family.. Nobody understands how hard it is for the FOB that's sitting on the sidelines being pushed out I feel like half of me isn't here, there's a gaping hole that I can't fill. I can't stop wondering what she's doing, whether she's sleeping okay, if she's had her injections.. All information my ex won't give me.

Last time I saw her, she met with me with Emma. She wasn't interested in talking about visitation, and when I brought it up shed go quiet and fold her arms uncomfortably. When I mentioned helping Emma get to know me so I could take over and help, she said 'unsupervised?.. No' she never wants me to have her alone.

Ive taken your advice, and sent Kate a message on facebook so that i have a record, the following. And amazingly, for the first time in a long time, she's replied almost instantly.

Hey Katie,
I hope Emma's alright. Is she sleeping any better? How are you feeling, I hope things are going okay with motherhood?
I've bought Emma a couple of outfits and a tub of SMA gold, is she still on that? I wanted to buy her nappies too, but I'm not sure which size she is as I remember you saying she was growing so fast. If you let me know ill pick some up.
Am I okay to bring them over at some point? I want to get past this rut we're in for Emma's sake.

Lew.
She's fine thankyou, no she's not really sleeping a lot though. Motherhood is amazing, never been so happy. I have enough nappies for a while thank you, yes she's still on SMA gold until July.

 

[Dezireey]

I think you should just keep at it, keep showing you are willing to be a good Dad etc. Push forward with your name being on the Birth Certificate. It is a Father's right and she shouldn't have kept you off it if you were a good dad and/ or willing to be there for everything. I can understand how she feels if you left her or if the relationship broke down and she still loved you. It does make a woman go a bit crazy if the man she loved not only leaves her but leaves her with a child or pregnant. It can build heavy anger and resentment that is difficult to separate from the needs of the child. However, enough time has passed for her to drop all this behaviour and now be a responsible parent. Yes, you are right, she needs to think of the needs of her child and not herself all the time.

No matter what happens Hun, one day you will have a relationship with your little girl. She will want to see you if you want to see her. your ex can't do this forever and she will suffer because there will be a trail of evidence showing that you wanted to be with your little girl and she stopped you. She is being highly stupid in my opinion. The only time I agree with a mother keeping her kid/s away from their Dad is that he is just bad for them or has mental issues ( like mine) or abuse, violence etc etc.

A good Dad who loves his kid/s shouldn't have to face what you are going through. This is where the system fails you and it is unfair.

 

[Zondon]

Hi there,

I know it may not seem like much, but your ex actually replied to your message and gave you a little bit of information about your little girl! She obviously doesn't want you to come over yet, but could you post the items you got for Emma to her?? Or give them to her mum to give to your ex? And then maybe send her another message asking about the outfits and maybe even asking for a picture of your little one??

Has she responded to the solicitors' letters yet?

Zondon

 

[Louisandemma]

No she hasn't responded. . Thanks girls you're giving me hope.

I replied with

Katie
Ah okay. Would you like me to give the items to your mum if you don't want me to come over? Or I could post them if you prefer?
I bet she's getting big now, missing her like crazy. I'm sorry she's not sleeping, if you need any help you know where I am, I'd love to help. Is there anything else you need for Emma?

She said

Lewis
Yeah you can give them to my mum if you see her. I'm alright thank you. She doesn't really need much, she has everything at the moment.shes been bad with colic which has been affecting her sleep pattern.


It's a step forwards I guess. I daren't even bring up the birth certificate issue. if it goes through court ill get it put on, but I'm still praying she'll calm down. This is the first time she's spoken to me in weeks so fingers crossed.

 

[Calambria]

Oh, dear.

I can't imagine what it would be like to be kept away from my child. I feel for you tremendously. I don't have any advice to add to what you've already gotten from these ladies, but I just wanted to give you a hug.

 

[daneuse27]

I agree with others, it sounds like definite progress. She may seem cold and aloof, but she's talking to you and answering questions about your daughter so that's something.

She's mentioning sleep problems and colic; those are hard to deal with! I would ask her about that. Say "oh no, does she wake a lot in the night?" or "does she cry quite often" She wouldn't bring those things up if she didn't want you to know, so show some concern for what she's told you and I'll bet she'll appreciate it.

Just keep at this, be persistent and prove that you're not going to back down. I agree with Dezireey; she should not be keeping your daughter from you and I also think that her life would be so much easier if she let you in to help raise your daughter. I think she just needs to see that first. She needs to see how much better it is for both Emma and herself with you there. So keep up the communication and keep offering help. You're getting somewhere.

 

[Zondon]

Oh that's brilliant; she's talking to you!!! The way you're phrasing things is great too; very non confrontational, civil and it's coming across that you just want to be there and help with your daughter! I hope she sees it and slowly starts talking to you more at least, which may not seem like much but is definitely a small step in the right direction!

Agree with Daneuse27 once again; colic is so so difficult to deal with and it might be a good starting point to continue the conversation you've started.

Noooo, don't mention the birth certificate now. Or going round again. Way too soon and your conversation is way too fragile yet. Maybe the possibility of a pic or two or just a little more information (like what happened with the heart issue your little one has? What decision did your ex make in the end?). Maybe this way you can work your way up to a web cam or a phone call or even a visit...

I really hope she continues talking to you, for now (and more later), and that this leads to very good things for you and your little one!

Zondon

 

[Mummy1995]

I 100% agree with zondon. I know it's so hard but take it extremely slowly and do not push anything or shell run a million miles away again and you may not hear from her again until court if that happens x

 

[Louisandemma]

I asked kates mum about Emma's heart condition. The doctors are hoping its just a harmless murmur, but she's having more tests. For now they've chosen to monitor her as it seems to be causing her no problems so far. She'll have a scan every few months until she's 2 though.

Kate's been much nicer today, I've just left her alone for a while though so that she doesn't think I'm being pushy. I wrote back asking how her colic was getting on, whether she was okay and said I was sorry she was going through this.
She simply put 'the things you do for your children' and I said 'completely true.' And I left it there, I could see the conversation heading somewhere negative and I didn't want that.

However she has sent Sophie another message... "I just find this all very difficult to comprehend" Sophie's replied with "I'm sorry, what's difficult to comprehend? I know everything's very difficult at the moment. I hope it gets better."

And Kate's read it and ignored it. All so confusing. On the bright side, I'm meeting with Kate's mum tomorrow to take the things, and she's promised she'll send me a recent photo