Could use some advice - ex

[Zondon]

Wonderful news! Progress all around!

it's good your fiance is being civil and polite too and oh so important she tries to remain that way even if your ex starts being negative with her, which I hope she won't but one never knows....

I hope this is the beginning of a good communication path for you two so you can figure out how to parent your little one together. It's excellent that your ex's mum has updated you on your daughter's heart situation and even better that it seems to be benign...Hopefully by the time she's 2 you'll be going to appointments with them!

Good luck with the outfit drop-off tomorrow!

Zondon

 

[daneuse27]

Sophie is doing the right thing by being polite, positive and civil; tell her to keep it up!
I hope the clothing drop off goes well tomorrow. I really believe things will improve with time. As other said, take it slow - but be persistent. Hopefully that makes sense. I think it helps for you to show concern and interest in your daughter's colic and heart problems (I hope everythings ok, by the way.) Keep us all posted.

 

[Mummy1995]

Yay this is such good news!! I hope it goes well for you! Her mum may be a good way into seeing Emma. Maybe Kate feels awkward around you, so her mum could bring Emma to you for meetings? Let her mum know just how much you'd love to see her and how much she means to you. X

 

[xxsteffyxx]

I can't really comment on your situation but it's far to easy to sweep fathers under the carpet and say 'oh all men are useless...'

But Kudos to you for actually WANTING to see your daughter for a valid reason. As long as you get the paternity test done and get your name on the certificate, there is no reason why she can deny you access.

But I completly understand what her mum says by 'she's afraid of loosing control'. It's hard for any mother to let go of their children. When my son was 4 weeks old his dad demanded overnight stays and thinking I was doing the right thing, allowed him too.; It nearly killed me, it was so hard!

But give it time, keep pushing and staying civil. As long as you show you are coperative, understanding, sympathetic and above all a respectful father then you'll be fine.

Good Luck!

 

[Louisandemma]

Well girls, no major updates really. Still haven't been able to see Emma.

Kate's spoken to me a couple more times, but it's the same kind of feeling on messages.

I dropped the items off with her mum and she didn't say much

I have had a threat from Kate saying look how far court will get me. She's dating, I feel very angry... Not that she's dating, that's fine... But that she's so angry at me for being in a relationship while dating herself.

 

[daneuse27]

I wonder if Kate is scared of you going the court route, because she knows that will ultimately lead to you having rights to Emma. As her mom and a previous poster said, leaving your child in care of other people is terrifying.

There was a post on here not too long ago from a girl whose FOB was with a new woman, and she was obligated to let her baby spend every second weekend (2 overnights) with him and his girlfriend, who she didnt even like. I look at my daughter and am soo glad I dont have to do anything like that. Its scary for us mamas!

Im only guessing here, but I wonder if Kate has that on her mind and resents you for trying to taking legal action. (Not that you can be blamed - you have every right to see your daughter and give her the love she deserves from her dad.) Maybe you should have a conversation about it. Tell her that you dont want things to be like this, and that you dont want to take her to court. What you want is for you all to get along, and all contribute to raising Emma together. Assure her that you wont force or rush her into anything, youd be more than happy to start small with only supervised visits, and then maybe work your way up to unsupervised and for longer amounts of time. Maybe you could somehow give her the option of allowing you to see Emma on agreed times, and then you will stop the legal proceedings (you'd have to word this in a way that doesn't make it sound like blackmail.)

I have no idea if this will work, but it may give her a sense of control over the situation as she can let things happen at her pace rather than feel obligated, rushed or forced. Bottom line is she needs to make progress with letting you see Emma so that you dont feel the need to get a lawyer.

Also, a side note which Im sure you know - don't suggest letting Sophie watch Emma for a very long, long, long time. lol.

Things will get there, it would just be ideal if you could agree to settle it between you rather than having lawyers, judges and a courtroom involved.

 

[Louisandemma]

I wonder if Kate is scared of you going the court route, because she knows that will ultimately lead to you having rights to Emma. As her mom and a previous poster said, leaving your child in care of other people is terrifying.

There was a post on here not too long ago from a girl whose FOB was with a new woman, and she was obligated to let her baby spend every second weekend (2 overnights) with him and his girlfriend, who she didnt even like. I look at my daughter and am soo glad I dont have to do anything like that. Its scary for us mamas!

Im only guessing here, but I wonder if Kate has that on her mind and resents you for trying to taking legal action. (Not that you can be blamed - you have every right to see your daughter and give her the love she deserves from her dad.) Maybe you should have a conversation about it. Tell her that you dont want things to be like this, and that you dont want to take her to court. What you want is for you all to get along, and all contribute to raising Emma together. Assure her that you wont force or rush her into anything, youd be more than happy to start small with only supervised visits, and then maybe work your way up to unsupervised and for longer amounts of time. Maybe you could somehow give her the option of allowing you to see Emma on agreed times, and then you will stop the legal proceedings (you'd have to word this in a way that doesn't make it sound like blackmail.)

I have no idea if this will work, but it may give her a sense of control over the situation as she can let things happen at her pace rather than feel obligated, rushed or forced. Bottom line is she needs to make progress with letting you see Emma so that you dont feel the need to get a lawyer.

Also, a side note which Im sure you know - don't suggest letting Sophie watch Emma for a very long, long, long time. lol.

Things will get there, it would just be ideal if you could agree to settle it between you rather than having lawyers, judges and a courtroom involved.

Thank you. I asked directly so that she couldn't get around it whether we could set up an arrangement where I go see Emma for 2 hours every Saturday. I made it clear that if contact was built up well, that I wouldn't see the need for legal action.

I'm a little confused, because she's asked me to go over tonight at 7pm (Emma will be in bed I assume?) I'm very cautious, do you think this is a good chance to talk... Or should I have my wits about me? Not that long ago she was trying to seduce me. I'm very worried but I feel like saying no would be counterproductive. Sophie's also concerned about her intentions but has said it's ultimately my choice.

It could be a good chance to have a real conversation face to face, do you think I should ask for a third party to be there, or could this scare her off?

 

[daneuse27]

I would definitely go. Alone. This is what you've been hoping for for so long. At 4 months, my daughter wasn't going to bed until 11pm at night. Even if Emma is asleep, she may very well wake up while you're there.

I think you should go there with the mindset that you and your ex can have a personal, face to face talk (there may be things she wants to discuss without other people around) see the environment your daughter is living in, and perhaps get to see your daughter Even if she's sleeping, you could take a peek.

If she tries to seduce you, you should be able to handle it. By telling her no, and reminding that you're in a serious relationship now.

I wouldnt insist on a 3rd party at this time. She might get mad, take offence and itll ruin things. I think she's thrown you a bone and you should at least go see what she's about and take this opportunity to see your baby.

 

[Ceejay123]

I completely agree with daneuse, definitely go. Even if Emma is asleep, this could be what your ex wants so that the two of you can finally have an uninterrupted discussion. If you don't go, she may see this as you showing you're not too interested, which obviously you are.

Stay clear, be nice, but make it clear if she is over friendly that you're there to talk about Emma. If you two can develop a friendship along the way, brilliant.

Your fiancée is going to have to accept that it needs to happen, and trust you, which it sounds like she's going to do.

 

[Louisandemma]

Hi ladies.

I went to see my ex at her home at 7pm as she requested. What a night...

Firstly she poured me a glass of wine, which I was very wary of. I accepted it but didn't drink it for around 45 Minutes until things had settled. She's looking much better, she looks like her old self again, rather than tired and as though she's just given birth.

She said her mums been getting on at her about me, so she's finding it hard to ignore. She says she feels as though I'm trying to intrude on her relationship with our little girl, and that I don't understand what it's like to be a parent. (That hit me hard, because that's her fault not mine).

I made it clear that I wanted to be involved, that I didn't want to go through court and wouldn't if shed give me access, but that if there was no regular set up I'd be forced to do it. She started going off at me telling me I was threatening her, I simply tried to reassure her that I wasn't, but that I felt backed into a corner.

She asked me about me and Sophie, I kept things polite and said we're fine thank you. She asked if I was going to push for Sophie to see her, I said I didn't think there was much need at the current time, that I was interested in setting up a daddy-daughter relationship first and foremost. She seemed happy at that response.

She said she is dating, which I was aware of through mutual friends. It turned out her mum had Emma for the night to give her a break.

I asked if we could make arrangements for visitation, and she asked what I was thinking of. I said a few hours on a Saturday every week for a couple of months until she's aware of who I am, then to have another discussion about it. She said shed think about it and get back to me.

She told me a few things about Emma which I was very greatful for. Little things like her routine and noises that she makes. Small things that you take for granted.

She gave me a lingering hug at the door, which was very awkward on my part. I went home full of confusion around 10:30 pm. Sophie was worried sick as I couldn't text her, Kate went funny if I got my phone out.

Just waiting for her to contact me now about what we spoke about, wish me luck.

 

[Mummy1995]

Sounds like it went as well as it could do hun. She's going to be uptight and it seems her biggest worry was Sophie. Which is understandable, she doesn't want someone else's playing mummy to her little girl. Which I know you won't do, but she doesn't know that. It's a scary thought that someone will eventually take your child somewhere without you and you won't know what's going on or being said.

Having said that I think your response has given her reassurance. Most important thing you can do is keep any promises you say you will do. So she doesn't think you're all mouth. But it really sounds like you're moving forward and she is probably going to discuss it with her mum. If she doesn't get back to you in a week I'd initiate contact. But it does sound like she wants your involvement. And that fact that she's dating again is great and shows even though she may still love you (believe me she will even if she hates you) she's trying to move forward and eventually she will be able to accept you and Sophie are together and very serious.

I'm so happy it seemed to go well for you xx

 

[daneuse27]

I agree with mummy1995, I think she said it all. I can relate to Kate's concern about Sophie eventually becoming a mother-figure to her little girl. I would feel worried and scared in her shoes. And if you go through the courts, your ex is worried that'll grant you free reign to do whatever you want with Emma (and that includes letting Sophie play mummy to her.) So you were right to reassure her.
I think when you talk again, you should tell her that Sophie doesnt need to be involved with Emma until she feels comfortable with it. I guarantee she will be happy to hear this.

Tell her that no, you dont know what it feels like to be a parent, but you want to find out. You want to be the daddy that Emma deserves. (Put it that way, im sure she'll melt !)

 

[blamesydney]

Good luck!

I agree though, while I was pregnant and before I realized fobs girlfriend genuinely hated my daughter, my main concern was his girlfriend trying to play mommy.
Now that he's had her 3 days a week for six months, I have a boyfriend whom is definitely step father material and should he find a girl that loves scarlet too, so be it! It will take quite some time for you two to become comfortable but by scarlets first birthday we were alot more comfortable.

 

[Louisandemma]

Sorry ladies I will stop pestering you for advice soon! She's just confusing me. I definitely agree that she's scared of Sophie playing mummy.. So get this.

Kate sent me a message on Facebook today saying that she'll agree to one hour contact on a Saturday or Sunday each weekend, with her present under the following conditions.
It has to be with her present
My family have no contact for the meantime
I'm not to tell her mum (what??)
And she wants to meet Sophie on her own first for a 'chat'.

What do you girls make of this.. Why wouldn't she want me to tell her mum, and why would she want to meet Sophie alone, when Sophie's not even involved.. Soph really is hesitant about meeting her/really doesn't want to right now.

 

[Ceejay123]

Sorry ladies I will stop pestering you for advice soon! She's just confusing me. I definitely agree that she's scared of Sophie playing mummy.. So get this.

Kate sent me a message on Facebook today saying that she'll agree to one hour contact on a Saturday or Sunday each weekend, with her present under the following conditions.
It has to be with her present
My family have no contact for the meantime
I'm not to tell her mum (what??)
And she wants to meet Sophie on her own first for a 'chat'.

What do you girls make of this.. Why wouldn't she want me to tell her mum, and why would she want to meet Sophie alone, when Sophie's not even involved.. Soph really is hesitant about meeting her/really doesn't want to right now.

Awh you're not bugging us Hm... I don't know what to make of that! I don't understand why she wouldn't want you to tell her Mum.. maybe shes worried about looking vulnerable?

Im not sure why she'd want to meet your girlfriend at this point if shes not being introduced either. Have you asked her why?

 

[daneuse27]

Not bugging us at all!

I'm guessing she wants to get a feel for Sophie and "approve" of her. If my FOB hnew girlfriend that may one day come into contact with my daughter, I'd want to meet her too. Thats my guess

My guess about the Mum is that she doesnt approve of you, or for some reason doesn't want you to be involved with Emma; shes protecting her daughter after all. She has watched her daughter get hurt, carry and give birth to and raise a baby all on her own while you were with another woman (just how they probably see it.) Her mom probably doesnt like you, even though she may be polite to your face. If my daughter was in Kate's situation one day, Id be pretty angry at the guy too.... just from a mom's perspective! Doesnt make you a bad person. You just have to see how this whole thing has affected them.

I still think this is massive improvement with Kate though! If this all goes well, she'll probably offer you more and more as time goes on.

 

[Louisandemma]

I guess I'm going to have to sit down and talk to Sophie. She really doesn't want to meet Kate alone without me, which I completely understand. But I feel like telling Kate no would be shooting myself in the foot! Xx

 

[daneuse27]

Yeah, meeting the ex is never fun and always awkward..

I think its a reality though that the road ahead is going to be very understandingly difficult for Sophie; you're going to be spending lots of time with your ex without her around, you're going to have a whole other life that she's not allowed to be apart of (at least not anytime soon.) You will in most cases have to respect every wish of your ex, as you don't want to mess things up with seeing your daughter.So yeah. All this wont be easy for Sophie Im afraid.

I think its a good idea if the girls meet on their own. If you were there too, then Kate would feel left out like a third wheel. I hope it goes smoothly, and after meeting Sophie, Kate will maybe trust and like her more.

 

[Mummy1995]

I think it's really unfair that she's saying your family aren't allowed contact, and not just for them. But because Emma is ultimately missing out on that relationship, but I guess it's better than none of you being allowed to see her and it will come with time.

As for Sophie.. I agree, I would want to meet the potential step-mum of my baby, however it is very soon? It's a long way off Sophie's involvement at the moment. And to be honest unfair on you for her to say you can only see Emma if Sophie meets Kate because you have no control over what Sophie does. Is there any reason Sophie is worried about meeting Kate?

It could be a good way forward though, and I say she should go for it - you never know they might get on like wildfire and in which case Im sure Kate would feel a lot more comfortable with yours and in the futures Sophie's involvement in Emmas life.

Im so glad things seem to be coming together at last x

 

[Ceejay123]

It does seem very soon in my eyes, but it could be pre-emptive to stop them having a bitter relationship? I definitely wish it didn't take me 4 years to meet my ohs ex, as a negative relationship is hard to overcome. It's very hard to build that trust back up.

Is Sophie willing to meet her? How do you think Kate will react if she won't? I can understand her being worried but if she's going to eventually be Emma's step mum I think she needs to give Kate this, even if its just to shows he cares and that she knows your daughter has to be out before she is. That'd be my big concern with a step mum... They have to realise that although they are important, this little life comes first. X