Crazy after giving birth

[Wannadance]

I really need to talk to someone that might have been through the same experience. I have a babygirl, 2 months old. After we came home from the hospital something just triggered in me. I got this panicattack and a strong anxiety. The days passed by and it more and more felt as if I was living in another world. A nightmare. Im so scared of myself I cant even look myself in the mirror!

I dont have any problems loving my child. It just feels like something changed in my head and everything feels so surreal. I cant eat cuz Im so scared all the time. Its like my brain have gotten so active, I just CANT stop thinking. And the thoughts scare the shit out of me. I feel like Im hunted, like something bad is gonna happen although I know its just anxiety. I see a pshyciatrist and there is no psychosis or depression but they think this is much connected to my mums suicide when I was a litte girl. I get medication but I just feel so weird. I analzye everything. Why do we live and how do we know we are really here? I really feel like Im going crazy. Has anyone experienced this and gotten out of it? I cant live like this forever!

 

[mumatmadhouse]

Sorry you are going through this. I had something similar after my 5th baby. I suffer on and off with anxiety anyway but it really intensified. Thoughts running through my head and not good ones. I would be scared to carry her up or down stairs as I was terrified I would fall or drop her. Scared to go out in the car for fear of an accident, you get the idea. It was like worst case scenario in my head all the time. I had to keep telling myself that it was just anxiety. It went on for a few months and then got easier. Just a thought, but some medication can make anxiety worse, even when it's meant to help. Would it be worth discussing with your doctor a possibility of trying another meds. The other thing is, regarding thoughts of why are we here etc, is this your first baby? It is quite common to start thinking about deeper questions and life and death when you become a parent. I am sorry about the loss of your mum, I can see how these things would play on your mind more with such an experience. Just try and take one day at a time and see if you can find something good to write down from each day. Focusing on the positive helps my anxiety I find. X

 

[Wannadance]

Thank you for your answer. Im also scared something will happen to her but its more of the deeper questions, why we exist, why am I me and not somebody else. I have gotten scared of my own brain and I see brains everywhere! Im scared I will go crazy and loose my mind so I will loose my relationship to my boyfriend and not will be able to take care of her! I can think "Why am I looking now and how does my brain work to see" or "Do I live in another dimension?" Cuz I feel like I live in a bubble, the bubble of hell. I analyse EVERYTHING around me and my thoughts are scaring me so I think Ill die!

I have discussed the medications back and forwards and now have one doctor and 2 psychiatrists that think the ones Im taking is the best. I have to trust them cuz everyone has different opinions. One of them has over 50 years experience.

Yes its my very first child and I realise many of theese thoughts comes to mums, but its like I cant get rid of them and my problem is I keep spinning on them no matter what I do I feel like Im living a nightmare when Im suppose to live my dream cuz I do really have everything I want and I love my baby and BF.

Many hugs

 

[mumatmadhouse]

I am glad you are confident in your doctors and that alternatives have been discussed. It's good that they haven't just given you a prescription and left it at that. Have they offered you any talking therapy or cbt. I have been told that cbt is good for anxiety. My daughter has had some and it seemed to help. I really wish I could make it go away for you. Do you have any friends who you could talk to? Or an online group can be a useful way to get things out and support from others going through the same thing. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat. Hugs x

 

[Wannadance]

Hi again!

I have been to both CBT and DBT before and for personal expierence, it helps if you have a specifik problem or not too deep. But if it goes back to your childhood I think you have to go to the roots with it, otherwise the problem will linger...I go to psycotherapy twice a week. They say Im not crazy or pshycotic, I just had a major reaction to having a child and afraid to identify myself with my mother who killed herself. Even since I was a little girl she told me something was wrong with me...Its just theese scaryness of the brain that is most now. That I think so much about whats real and whats not and my brain cant stop thinking. Its like it becomes superactive after delivery...

Its like living in a panicattack all day long...Did u think a lot about those things?

Thank you a lot for your answer.

 

[mumatmadhouse]

How are you doing? Are you feeling any better? I really hope you are. I can see you know yourself pretty well and I agree with you about your experiences being more deep rooted and needing something other than cbt. I just found it difficult to stop thinking full stop. Just couldn't switch off, kept going round in circles in my head and getting more and more anxious. X

 

[Wannadance]

Hi! Actually this week has been a LITTLE bit better. I feel like I have had more hours in "reality" and Im not so afraid of getting a pshycosis anymore. If it comes,it comes! But I have developed a phobia for my own brain. Since I feel it can control me this much I got scared of it and I see brains everywhere. I question if we are really here and what if I was someone else yesterday and so on. Did it take long for you to get out of it and do you have any advice? I have tried to activate myself a lot. I go for long walks and do a lot of housework since I cant sit still.

 

[mumatmadhouse]

Hi, glad to hear you have had a slightly better week.
I think for me it lasted a few months at its worst, then it gradually got a bit better day by day. My advice may sound a little hippy. The only way I got through was by keeping on trying to catch my thought pattern as soon as I noticed it iykwim. Force myself to think of things I enjoyed and imagining happy positive things. Distracting my thoughts with something else like trashy tv or candy crush because it meant I would kinda zone out from my thoughts and give me a break from myself. I also started to meditate. I had to just start with a 5mins guided meditation and breathing as I was so anxious it was really hard to sit still. The housework is a good distraction too. Music up loud and housework I use a lot. I also sing along at the top of my voice, lol, and I really can't sing! This probably all sounds a bit nuts, I know, but I guess what I am getting at is try anything and everything to see what helps get you through. We are all different.
I am going through a dip at the moment and have to keep pushing myself and congratulating myself on the little things and reminding myself that it will pass and days will feel brighter again. Sorry for the rambling x

 

[Wannadance]

I think meditation seems like a good thing I would like to try but there is none at where Im living. Ive tried to listen to some videos at Youtube but its really really hard to focus. Your advice is not hippy, it sounds good Its just so hard to control your mind! I try to "stay away" from the "what if-thoughts" and "what if Im not really here" but its like it just strikes me and I cant do anything about it. Besides the way Im reacting. Im glad for everyday I manage to get through now, just hoping for things to get better. Today I walked so many miles with my little one. How old is yours now? Are you on any meds and do you go see a therapist? Do you know why you got this reaction?

 

[mumatmadhouse]

I think the key to the meditation is to keep trying. I found it sooo hard to begin with, the first half a dozen times or so I think I only managed 2 or 3 mins. Glad you got out and walked today, it's good for the soul!
My youngest is only 5weeks old. I am not on meds anymore, been med free for about 6yrs now. Got fed up with the side affects and keep changing meds because they weren't working anymore. Been tempted to go back to them many times but it passes and I recognise the early signs now and that helps. I am thinking of trying cbt but tbh it's trying to find the time. I also go for spiritual healing sometimes and I go to a medium friend for an aura reading every year. I have found that the answers I need can normally be found by looking inwards. I kinda use it as a type of counselling, but that's just me, lol. I get a sense of peace within myself. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. My mum lost her parents within a year of each other when I was little and had almost no support. She turned to drinking to numb it and I worried about her all the time, I have a feeling some of it stems from that. Xx hope I haven't scared you off with my alternative approach to things, lol.

 

[Wannadance]

Ok I will give meditation more try. Its so hard to get obsessed with something. Im obsessed and scared of my brain. How much it controls. And its hard to find a way to get rid of this phobia cuz its like having a phobia for yourself. I have to live with having a brain and it scares me how much it controls everything.

 

[mumatmadhouse]

Hi hun, have you spoken to your Dr specifically about this brain thing? It's not something I have come across before. I can empathise totally about it from a phobia point of view but I am struggling with ideas of how you can work on that. How are you doing?

 

[Wannadance]

Hi! Yes I talked to him about it but there is not much he can say to make it easier. He thinks I dont like the brain because I got scared of myself. But Ive had theese things before with other things that I focus really hard on. When Im into it I just think Ill never let it go, but this time has been the same topic for a month. I mean, how can you "cure" a phobia for your own organ? Thank you for writing to me. The days go by a bit easier but I have to keep myself occupied all the time so I wont think so much. Cant relax or watch tv since then I just think about my brain being there....

 

[mumatmadhouse]

Glad you have spoken with dr about it. You seem to have a very good insight into yourself and know yourself well iykwim. That's a good thing. I hope this phase passes for you soon. I am very high anxiety myself atm but can't imagine how difficult it would be to cope with your current phobia too. You're doing great, hang in there hun. What are you doing to keep busy, apart from lo and general house work? Do you have any hobbies?

 

[laila 44]

Hope you don't mind me popping in. Hun what you are feeling is called depersonalization and it's a normal consequence of over analyzing caused by anxiety. Don't freak out it will pass. Can I suggest an amazing book? It's called " at last a life " I forget the author but look it up it can be a life saviour! I read it on my phone when I was going crazy from stress etc. when u feel those feelings or weird thoughts just don't let them scare you, let them in and just aknowledge but give it no power.good luck, this too shall pass xx

 

[laila 44]

Author is Paul David. This book was godsent.

 

[mumatmadhouse]

Glad you came and put a name to it!