Crazy MIL!! Advice please

[Blondemommy]

Ok so I'm 6 weeks pregnant with my second child and the topic of the delivery room has already been brought up by my MIL. With my first son my mother and hubby were with me, the hospital only let's two be in there when its time to push. When my MIL found out she cried, bugged the nurses by begging to be in there, and had the nerve to TELL my mom that with the next baby she will be in there while my mom waits outside. Basically was making this whole deal about her.
Now since I'm pregnant again she automatically assumes my mom will wait outside while she goes in. I personally don't want her in there. She's one of the types that will get in the way of the nurses so she can see what's going on, I'm very modest and feel uncomfortable just getting a pap done, I do not want my MILs head all in my personal area while I'm pushing out a baby. Plus me and my mom have a very special bond. I want her with me again. Of course the hubby will be with me too. My hubby has a younger sis who's married. I've tried explaining to my MIL that she will be in there when my SIL gives birth and I've even said she can watch my son the night I give birth (I've never spent a night away from him so its a huge deal for me) but she still gets huffy puffy and gets an attitude. Now my hubby is starting to argue with me about it saying that its his baby too so he has a choice who's in the room. I try explaining to him that at that moment it is really about me, I'm the one in pain and pushing out a baby. If he wants to switch places and have this baby then his mom can be there.
Anyways how do I make my hubby understand and what can I do about my MIL. My mom WILL be in the room with me, i don't care what it takes. During something like that I really want my mother there with me. I really need help on this. I don't like hurting my MILs feelings, but she's the type that if I try and take care of my own son when she's around then she gets pissed. I can't even feed my own son if she's around, it's like she expects me to stop being his mom when she's around. Shes very controlling and wears her emotions on her sleeves. When my first son was born I could barely breast feed without her crying because I allowed my mom and hubby to be in the same room as me, while she had to wait outside, like I said I'm modest so I would breast feed somewhere private. Just please give me some advice to make her and the hubby understand. And maybe some advice to help me deal with how crazy controlling she is.

 

[thayet]

Honestly, if your spouse doesn't have your back on this, kick him out of the delivery room, too. It's your body and your choice as to who you have (or don't have) in there with you. If your MIL wants any sort of relationship with her grandchildren, she should back the heck up and be more respectful of you and your body.

You need to talk to your spouse about this and get him supporting you - it's his mother and his job to talk to her about boundaries. Don't take any crap from either of them!

 

[Blondemommy]

That's where the big problem is. He won't do the talking part. He makes me handle breaking bad news to his family, making me look like the ass while he stands back. He's the type that doesn't like drama, but he doesn't understand that physically I don't need to handle the stress of it. After all I'm carrying HIS baby. Idk its hard to explain. He's an amazing guy, and a wonderful dad. But he can be totally ignorant sometimes, typical guy I guess. Lol. And I don't want to kick him out the room, but I want him to realize that yea it's his baby too, its just that he only spent one night making this baby, I'm spending 9 months of morning sickness, body and emotional changes, and many other effects to make one lil 7lb baby. Plus not to mention the fact I will be going through labor and contractions are pain that no man could ever handle, I'm the type that never shows pain and my first labor had me nearly crying. I'm sure if I would have videoed it I would show him and he would say of course your mom can be there. Haha!

And my MIL won't back off because she says I'm to controlling with my son, but when my hubby lived at home she had to fix his plate and fold his clothes. So she has noooo room to talk. By no means am I controlling with my son, with my mom I let her do whatever. With my MIL I practically have to watch her every move with my son. He can't fall down without her rushing to pick him up and carry him to the next room so I can't see her. I mean he's a toddler, I've seen him fall flat on his face to jump up and run off. If he's truly hurt he walks to me crying. He doesn't need every boo boo panicked over like he's dying.

Sorry I'm venting a lil while explains the situation. Lol

 

[sharnw]

Its you that has to go through these long 9 months with body changing stages, morning sickness, headaches, body aches, alot of hormonal changes and you are the one that will be giving birth, your body has to go through bone breaking pain, not him. He needs to sink that thought in his head.
As for you wanting your mother with you, its not a want... Its a need. You need your mother there with you too.
Your MIL seems to be just thinking of her self and not respecting you at all. Its all you. You have the control. She can experience this with her own daughter.
I wander what your SIL thinks about this? If she feels upset about her mother wanting so desperately to be with someone elses daughter giving birth and not her for when its her moment.

I know that I'l need my mother when Im going to go through this.



Its not a competition who see's baby first coming into the world. You are giving birth

 

[Eleanor ace]

I'd just stand my ground, explain that you are not comfortable with having MIL see you intimately- would he want your mum to see his penis? I know there is a baby coming out of you but it is still your vagina when all is said and done, you have a right to say who gets to look at it!
I'd perhaps leave the issue for now, wait until it gets a bit closer to delivery and hopefully your DH will remember how your labour was and why you want your mum there.
Its understandable that she wants to experience seeing her grandchild being born, especially since your mum got to, but that's not why your mum was there- her role was to support you and if that's not something your MIL can do then there is no place for her there.

 

[Pielette]

Crazy is about bloody right lol.

In all honesty I don't know how you put up with all of her antics! In terms of your birth, you need to stand your ground. I wouldn't necessarily seek out a talk with her about it, but every time it comes up I would remain firm and say DH and my mum will be with me. Don't shift from that.

But your DH really needs to step up to the plate here. You're going to be giving birth to his baby, it's you who needs support and not his mother for God's sake. I wouldn't care how much pressure he put on me to change my mind. End of discussion. And if he keeps pressing it I'd be saying you're really disappointing me with your lack of support.

If she still hasn't accepted it by the time you give birth, well so what, if she tries to come down to your delivery room she will be kept out by the staff, according to your instructions. The only person whose instructions matter is the labouring mother. They will not let her in, end of.

 

[rose.]

I think you're just going to have to be firm and explain to her (nicely) that you feel uncomfortable with her being there at all, and she is just going to have to accept it. I can't think of anything worse than my MIL being there when I give birth, and she isn't nearly as interfering as yours sounds! It's just such a private thing and you don't need to be on edge the whole time.

Be brave I think the only way is to be completely honest and firm, both with your oh and his mum. It's your body and you who has got to give birth - I really don't get it when people think they have an automatic right to be there! It's very rude and selfish of them, and they should be thinking of you and your needs right now.

 

[I Love Lucy]

If you don't want your MIL in that room then you need to stand your ground with both her and your spouse. At the end of the day it's you going through the labor and both MIL and your spouse need to understand it's not about them.

If it makes you feel better, my MIL is similar in the sense that she is controlling and makes everything about her. With this being my first baby, I don't know what to expect and really don't want people to come rushing into my hospital room immediately after when I'm trying to figure out breastfeeding, bonding with my baby, etc. MIL had a huge fit about this kept going on and on about how she has waited 9 months to see what my son looks like and that she's going to see him in the hospital regardless of what DH or I want. Then DH and I chose not to reveal the name to our family and friends but we did say we have told strangers the name if they asked. It doesn't matter to us if strangers hate the name because chances are we'll never see them again anyways but MIL reacted like everyone in the world knew except for her and that we were telling strangers just to hurt her feelings.

I tried to be as nice as I could to her during the pregnancy because I didn't want to upset her and I didn't want to cause confrontation but I started to feel like if I didn't say anything to her and stand up for what I wanted then she would only continue this behavior which did nothing but stress me out. And the last thing I want is her thinking she has a say in our parenting decisions once LO arrives. So I confronted her about her behavior and she did get upset and cry when I did so but she is no longer pushing to be at the hospital unless she hears from DH and I that she is allowed to be there, etc. I have felt so much better since having this talk with my MIL and really wish I could go back and tell her sooner what mine and DH's plans were and that we aren't changing them or making exceptions for her instead of just ignoring her comments.

 

[Amygdala]

I'm European and the process of inviting everyone and their brother to the birth has always confused me. It's such a private moment and you're SO vulnerable, why should you allow anyone that you don't want there? Who on earth is she to think that her desire to see her grandchild born trumps your NEED to feel comfortable and secure whilst giving birth. It's so important to be at ease so that your birth can be as quick and smooth as possible. Who would force themselves on someone in that situation??? I'm sure your MIL wouldn't so much as pee in front of people, but somehow bullying you into letting her watch you give birth is ok? No. Simple as.
And your husband just needs to wise up to the fact that you are birthing his child, going through more physical and emotional work than he could ever handle and what you say goes. It's not about his mum. It's not even about him at that moment. While you're in labour, it is all about you. No-one else gets to demand anything. I suggest you show him this thread, maybe seeing that ANY woman would side with you (and most husbands I know btw) will make him see sense. If my husband tried to tell me who I should or shouldn't allow in the labour room, we'd have a serious problem. It's disrespectful of you, your body and the process you have to go through to get baby here.

 

[lunamoona]

Wow, your OH needs to be reminded that childbirth is not a spectator sport, people don't get invited in the room for their viewing pleasure, they get invited in to support the person doing all the work, to help them when they are feeling scared and vulnerable.

How rude to tell you it's ok for his mother to gawp at your vagina for hours on end, if it's no big deal why doesn't he strip off the whole time you are in labour and let everyone gawp at him. If his main concern is supporting his mother instead of you in your hour of need then he really serves no purpose being in there either.

Poor you, let's hope he comes to his senses soon and appreciates just how much you are going through to bring his child into the world.

 

[MrsNuke]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this so early into your pregnancy. When my mil started hinting about being there I told her that I thought only the people who made the baby should be in the room....kinda hoped the shock factor would stop her. But no. Since you're comfortable with your mom being there you obviously can't use that. But that's the key, you're comfortable having your mom there, she's there for you not just for her own selfish reasons to see her grandchild or to stop mil being there, she's there to comfort you, help you and encourage you!

Since your DH thinks he's got a say, ask him if he'd be comfortable having your mom watch him pee or get a prostate exam, more than likely his answer would be no! If he still says it wouldn't bother him, call his bluff! Tell him to pee in front of your mother, or better yet book a prostate exam for him.

It'd be so much easier if you can get your DH on your side. When I was pregnant, my mil kept hinting about being there, she even told me she should go to our birthing classes so she'd know what to do in case my DH couldn't be there, she tried controlling my baby registry, and she pushed a few other things. It took my husband sending her a very firm text telling her there was no way he'd miss the birth of his child, so there was no reason she needed to come to our classes, we registered at x store and were not going to be registering at y store (but people were free to shop wherever they liked), and that we'd told her xyz and we meant it. She finally understood after this, that we're the parents and we'll do things our way. What a fantastic moment that was! (We've had other issues since, but we're able to handle them easier because she knows she can't push either of us, or tattle on me to DH lol)

 

[Leesy]

How annoying! My mum was me in the delivery room for our first and will be for the next one too, come the time. Under no circumstance would mil be there. I would not feel at all comfortable with that. Luckily for me I don't think she would even ask. I hope your husband sees sense about this.

 

[Blondemommy]

Thanks everyone soooo much for the comments! They are all so helpful. Luckily she hasn't brought it up anymore...yet. But I'm gonna definately make the hubby see it from my angle. Plus last labor my hubby was so nervous he kept having to leave the room to calm down (before it was time to push) my mom stayed with me and rubbed my back during contractions(back labor=horrible). She managed to keep calm and help me through it all. I'm sure this time hubby will do better, but the point is it was my mother who kept me comfortable while my hubby gathered his senses. Lol. My MIL just wants bragging rights. She had to rub it in my moms face that she held my son first. But my mom was generous enough to let her because it was 3am and MIL wanted to go home. And truthfully me and OH held LO first and I got to hold him nine months. Lol. My mom wasn't gonna leave till she knew I was ok plus she helped me learn to breastfeed(I didn't like the lactation woman, preferred the help of my mom who also breastfed me as a baby). She knows its not a competition. But MIL can't seem to understand, this baby is gonna be here the rest of her life, missing the first five mins is not gonna hurt.

Anyways I'm just gonna ignore her till labor is actually closer, like at 36 weeks instead of 6. Heck I haven't even got to hear the heartbeat yet. I've just had one appt and it was at like 4 1/2 weeks! But personally the more I think about the less I care about hurting her feelings. I'm gonna have who I want in that room regardless of who's feelings I hurt!

 

[HHenderson]

Oh hell no my mom did this. Only one person was allowed during c-section and she wiggled her ass in there because she knew my doctor for a long time. I was so pissed she tried making the birth of my daughter about her. This time. HELL NO!! Just my husband and I and if anyone doesnt like it they can kiss my ass. I dont need the drama or stress.

What you do because I talked to my DR afterwards is tell him/her that you would like him to say only your husband is allowed in the room. That will have other people back off.

 

[Blondemommy]

Well my problem is I want my mom and hubby. Only two are allowed. They say that as soon as you get admitted. But MIL expects me to kick my mother out. But my mom keeps so calm in stressful situations that its helps me and OH stay relaxed. MILis over emotional and very loud and just thinking of her being there makes me feel stressed. My mom and MIL had c-sections so both never experienced the craziness of a vaginal delivery, but my mom did amazing last time. Managed to hold my leg, take pics, and talk me threw it. Hubby managed to hold my other leg and not throw up from his nerves. Lol. Bless his heart. Poor guy didn't know how to handle it. But he did great considering.

 

[Blondemommy]

Plus I'm an only child so I'm the only one my mom has. Hubby has a sis who's married and ttc. MIL will be in there for her no matter how many kids she has, so why should she get to take away this moment from my mom who only has me. MIL is just being selfish and wants bragging rights! But she won't get those rights as long as I'm breathing, idc if hubby and MIL get pissed. They can get the hell over it or my mom can be the only one in the room. She brought me into this world, raised me by herself, and has done everything she could for me. Why should she have to sit in the waiting room while a woman I only known a handful of yrs can be there. No nope hell no, my mom will be by my side! Lol

 

[Leesy]

It really annoys me that Mil's think they have the right to be there. I know it sounds unfair but the fact of the matter is women are going to be closer to thier own mothers than they ever will be to their mil (for the most part). Yes I know some women would have no problem with their mil being there but that is the choice of the individual and it's just plain rude for anyone to actually ask to be present at a birth (imo). I obviously don't speak for everyone, as some people wouldn't want their own mothers there, just husbands, but it just bugs me!!!!! The reason I asked my mum along to the birth of my first child (with oh's blessing) was for extra support, not so she could brag about being at the birth of her grandchild. If my mil had of been there (btw, my mil didn't or wouldn't ask to come) I would have been so uncomfortable (physically & mentally). It would have driven me up the wall. Sorry to rant on your thread OP!

 

[txbiscuit]

I got to be in the delivery room when my nephew and first niece were born ( my brother-in-law was worried he would faint). It was amazing. However, when my second niece was born and sis and BIL said they'd prefer to do this labor alone, I put on my big girl panties and got over it. Would I have liked to be there? Absolutely. But not my vagina on display = not my decision. Your MIL needs to grow up, and your DH really needs to stand up for you.

Try not to worry. The nurses will find out who is allowed and keep everyone else out. They're used to crazy family members trying to wedge in. Just let your mom know that under no circumstances is she allowed to be guilted into leaving.

 

[Whimsy82]

I do understand where your husband is coming from and I imagine he would want it to be a special moment for him and his mother as it was for you and yours but in the end, you’re the one with your legs in the air with everything on show. IF I wanted anyone other than me and DH in the delivery room, it would be my own mother. And that’s only because she’s been through it and I know she could keep me calm and talk me through some of the pain where my DH couldn’t.

But, this is just my own opinion and not how I think everyone should feel, the moment the baby is born is between DH and myself. Even if I did allow my mom in the delivery room to help encourage me throughout labor, I would expect her to politely back away for a few moments while DH and I cherish our LO on our own. It’s your moment and your DH’s moment and no one else’s.

Not sure about where you are from, but in a lot of hospitals they have you sign a list of people you will allow in the room at time of delivery. If someone is not on that list, the hospital staff WILL enforce that for you so you’re not pressured to tell anyone to leave.

To me, it’s kind of rude for her to insist like that. Expressing that she wants to be there and is upset if she isn’t is one thing but to insist is rude and selfish. She’s having another grandchild. No matter where she is when it’s born! That should be what she’s focusing on!

 

[MrsNuke]

It's nice to hear what a wonderful support your mom was, and it makes complete sense that you want her again with this baby.

I don't want to offend you, but since your sil is ttc and not pregnant yet, has she discussed with you that she wants her mother in the delivery room with her? Or are you just assuming that since you wanted your mom with you she'll want her mom with her? Since mil is "over emotional and very loud" sil may not want mil in the room with her. If your using this as part of your argument with mil, saying that she'll be in the delivery room with sil, please make sure this is accurate. As much as you don't want your husband telling you who'll be in your delivery room, its not fair for you to say that mil will be in sil's delivery room, (unless sil has said it already - but if not, sil's body, sil's decision).