CSA ultimatum or not?

[Dezireey]

So, I posted another thread about FOB and how he is coming to see LO but he's half hearted about everything and most things are too much trouble for him. I have avoided asking for child support or filing with CSA as he has a crap job now that pays badly and the last time I asked for some financial help he broke down and said he barely has enough money to eat and pay rent and even showed me his payslips. He almost implied he might top himself if I squeezed money out of him, guilt trip or what? So, out of compassion for his situation and the fact that he is a shadow of his former self because of health problems and depression, I have dropped the issue. Trouble is, when we have had arguments I have threatened him and oh boy then he is on the phone, how am I? how is LO?, can he come over? and can we chat?, he doesnt want to fall out etc, etc. I am seeing a pattern emerging. Whenever he thinks I may a) tell people that he knows that he is a Dad or b) threaten CSA, he becomes as nice and attentive as possible. When the dust settles, he hardly calls, texts, he pops over for a bit but leaves quickly.I'm just not so sure he's as honest or as in as much trouble as he makes out? Just a hunch.

So, ladies I am seriously considering giving him an ultimatum, either he pays up with child support (why does LO have to suffer just because he's got a crap job? surely he could even pay for a box of formula every now and again, at the moment I get diddly squat off him) or he starts helping out at the house with LO.

Trouble is, I dont know what things to ask help for? He has been over chopping wood today but its not really 'helping' with baby is it? Do you think I should say 'help out giving him bath and putting him to bed?' Any ideas girls will help as I am at a loss.

Do you think I should bite the bullet now, stop thinking about his welfare re: child support crippling him and think well, this is for LO and he should pay up

I hate giving ultimatums in a situation like this as it could result in real resentment off him, looking after his son when he doesnt want to do that type of stuff but it's not him I should be thinking of anymore, I'm sick of his problems. LO deserves everything and to be supported properly.

 

[whatwillbe]

I would contact child support Hun, it seems to me it's excuses and they would take into account his earnings , so they wouldn't leave him broke, it's bad enough he hasn't been a "dad" to your lo all this time, sorry if I sound harsh but I could see you asking this same question in 5 years time because he just isn't making enough effort IMO, other than that if you really don't want to go through the CSA , yes , I'd get him to come over and bath/ put lo to bed, that way he's spending time with his child, chopping wood isn't quality time ! He's already got out of so much responsibility , don't let him carry on this way

 

[Dezireey]

Thanks. Im quite concerned about myself actually as the resentment and anger is building so much in me and I behave erratically with him. One minute I'm nice to him, the next I brood, get angry and spout off to him and he just keeps fobbing me off saying ' don't be silly' or 'don't be daft'. He has the knack of making me feel sorry for him and that what I am doing is unreasonable. I also think he KNOWS I still love him and has counted on that to manipulate things. I can't stand it anymore, he asks to communicate more by talking, yet he came here yesterday, chopped wood and was out the door saying he had a bad week and was tired, he's always having a bad week!!

I have given him the ultimatum, help out properly or pay up. I'm sick to death of pandering to him and worrying he will hate me or dislike me if I get pushy but it's just not about him.it's about things being fair on me and LO being looked after.

If he hates me after this, so be it.

 

[lemontree12]

Hey. I would def contact CSA as pp said they won't leave him skint. I would do it soon because I'm still in my case from aug, fob has stopped all payments now, yip the month before his daughters first Xmas, but that's him all over x

 

[Dezireey]

I've given him the option lemon, so it's up to him now. It's a veiled threat ( do something or CSA) but it's just tough, I have no choice buying my babba things he needs, why should he opt out?

 

[Ceejay123]

Do you mind me asking why people don't know hes a Dad? Aren't you upset by this? (Curious) and I think youve done the right thing x

 

[Dezireey]

Do you mind me asking why people don't know hes a Dad? Aren't you upset by this? (Curious) and I think youve done the right thing x

Friends of both of us know but when he left me they didn't want to know him anymore. It's his new work colleagues, roomates and friends from a new social circle that don't know he's got a little baby. I have no idea why he doesn't want people to know but I will take a wild guess and say that perhaps he thinks it will spoil his chances with new women or something? I said to him a few weeks ago 'why is it you dont tell people you are a dad?' he didn't answer and I tutted and said ' if it's because you think you won't pull a woman, you are sorely mistaken. Most women would rather know straight away that they are dating a man with a kid, rather than find out their secret later'

Men have no effing clue about women, seriously deluded most of them.

 

[Ceejay123]

100% agree with you! Sounds like hes scared to admit it. My OH had a young baby when we got together, if I'd found out later, I would have left his ass straight away! Because I knew from day one, I'm fine with it... But elsewise he'd have stood no chance; you're right! xx I hope he sorts himself out for you x