Dad leaving our 5 year old son. need advise

[chels24uk]

hiiii ladies!

I need help. Basically, i was with my ex for 6 years and we have a 5 year old son together. We broke up, then i stupidly got back with him a few months later, and we broke up for good again when i realised he hasnt changed. Now im 16 weeks pregnant. Hes made it perfectly clear he doesnt want this baby. But he will be a dad because he 'has to'. Anyway, the baby, for the moment, isnt what is concerning me atm.

Today I was dropped with this bombshell, hes moving to Scotland in 2 or 3 weeks to be with a girl he only met a month ago!!! (I live in Dunstable with our 5 year old) ok as much as that hurts me personally, i dont care hes finally leaving. What i do care about is our son. Hes 5 years old and is a very shy and sensitive little boy. Hes JUST gotten used to only seeing his dad 3 days a week. Im terrified of what his reaction is going to be. Just thinking about it breaks my heart and reduces me to tears. His dad is deluded enough to think he really can still see him fortnightly. But i doubt this will last long at all. He says hes thought about it long and hard... but he clearly hasnt. Has anyone else got experience of a dad leaving a child whos old enough to understand?

Once again, im going to be left to pick up the pieces.

 

[scottishgal89]

My OH just moved to Scotland to be with me from Wales. You can see from my ticker how long we have known each other. He has a young daughter who is 10months old who at the moment he has no contact with. He is fighting threw court to get access.
When he does get access, he will travel the 420miles every second weekend, no question about it, possibly even more if he can.

That situation is obviously different as his LO isn't old enough to understand wheras your son is. It will be a huge step down in the amount of time your son spends with his dad. Hopefully that time will be special though and he will make an extra effort when they do see each other.

 

[chels24uk]

i dont have a problem with this girl at all. And i think its fantastic your OH is fighting to see his daughter and he'd travel to see her. Thing is, with my ex, he hasnt ever kept a job for more than 2 weeks in the 7 years ive known him and according to his parents, he never had held down a job before then either. Thats why im so worried he wont see his son. Also, he has cancelled VERY regulary at the last minute to see him... which if given notice isnt so bad as he sees Joshua regular atm. Id definatly never stop access/contact unless he was clearly not bothered. Im mostly looking for advise on how to break it to my little boy and how other people got their kids through it. I really do hope his dad proves me wrong and that he will still see him fortnightly... i just dont see it happening as i know what hes like

 

[Ozzieshunni]

My OH's dad left his mum when he was 5. It's important to talk to your ex about the impact this will have on his son. My OH became quite a handful after his dad left. I'm thinking that your ex needs to be aware of this and sit down and speak with your son. I hope he makes the right decision.

 

[chels24uk]

i dont think he does actually realise how much its going to affect him. And when i tried to talk to him about it, all he had to say was "he'll be fine. im still going" im clearly going to be the one who has to deal with this. But im going to try and talk to him again. Nothing will stop him going, and tbh, because he wont be the one seeing the effects, i dont think he will be bothered

 

[scottishgal89]

Thats a real shame that he has that attitude about it

 

[Ozzieshunni]

My OH's dad just left and had almost no contact with my OH for years and years until OH tracked him down. It can really affect a child to lose a parent like that. Have you spoken to your GP? Get some research about it to show how children are affected by it. I've worked with children whose fathers have walked out and the child is very much affected.

 

[scottishgal89]

If it was me I would just be open with your son. But then again....it should really be your ex who tells him?

 

[chels24uk]

will have to take a look into that then. Obviously im going to do everything i possibly can to get him through it... but i know he will be affected in one way or another... just hope his dad see's sense before its to late

 

[chels24uk]

yeah he should. im going to have to have another chat with him when i can before this happens. hopefully im worrying over nothing and he will prove me wrong about the fortnightly visits etc

 

[scottishgal89]

I really hope he does!

 

[chels24uk]

Guess time will tell. I know this topic probably makes me sound like im just a jealous ex, but im truly not. just worried for my little boys emotional wellbeing

 

[scottishgal89]

That's totally understandable.
I dont think you sound jealous at all.
Is your son close to his dad?

 

[chels24uk]

well he adores his dad. so yeah id say he is. Have just spoken to his dad, and so long he can stick to it all then it'll be okish. But hes kicking off that i wont let him take my son to Scotland for a week in the summer. I just dont want him to be so far away because if something happened, i wouldnt be able to get there

 

[scottishgal89]

He's asking a bit much really, imo he needs to prove himself first.
That he's still going to visit, etc

 

[chels24uk]

exactly. If he can prove himself first, and i can trust him NOT to introduce him to this woman before I feel its right (id be doing the same with any man i may meet, not introduce without his permission) then i MAY let him. fingers crossed it all works out. But in my head, hes going to move, see him couple times, lose his job because of his lazyness then thats it with regular access...

 

[scottishgal89]

Don't want to sound nosey but does he pay maintenance through csa?

 

[chels24uk]

no we have an arrangement atm where he buys stuff for him as needed or gives me the money when i need it. But once he moves, he has agreed to pay £100 a month - whether it happens or not, we will have to see. why?

 

[scottishgal89]

Just because I spoke to the CSA and said if my ex changes his job again I need to report him for job hopping.
He's had 2diff jobs close together, 3 and they investigate

 

[chels24uk]

oh well thats good to know. But as for him, he just doesnt stick to any job because hes pure lazy. embaressed to say i stuck with him for 6 years and every job he had, he walked out of or got fired for not showing up within 2 weeks. and few and far between. Hoping he keeps this one for our sons sake with visitation, but not getting my hopes up. Sick of crying because of what he is going to cause to our son and him just not seeming to care. But if he does stop visitation, im shocked to see how much CSA will take from him. So i will claim and at least then i will be able to put money away for my little boy and take him out more. Do i need to know where he works to be able to claim?