Dad wants to name baby after FIL, help

[kerrymom]

My husband wants to give our son his fathers name as a middle name. Our last two babies were girls and we had discussed this already, and I was on board. But now that we are having a boy I have changed my mind. Here are my reasons:
1. I don't like the name
2. He is not close to his father, so I don't see why we should honor him
3. I really don't care for his dad
4. His father doesn't know a thing about who my husband really is- it's a very formal relationship.
5. FIL is a bigot and homophobe, so why would I name my son after him?

some problems:
1. We gave our first daughter my moms middle name- but she is my best friend and helps us so much, and my husband never objected
2. his grandfather, brother, and father all have this name, even though they use their middle names.
3. I don't want to upset my husband by telling him my reasons for not wanting this name. It could get ugly

Does anyone have any advice?
When my daughters were born we had a short list of names that we liked and my husband pushed hard for the names he wanted, and got his way both times. I just don't want to get into a battle of wills with him, and then lose and resent him for it.

 

[staralfur]

It sounds like it's more than just his father's name and that it's a family name (including part of his own), so I would focus on that. And since it's the middle name and not the first I would let him have it.

I don't like my daughter's middle name but it had a lot of sentimental value to my DH and the middle name I wanted didn't flow at all - so I gave it to him and I don't regret it because it's special to him and his family.

I only use my lo's middle name for forms and stuff, so I hardly ever think about it. I wouldn't have wanted to fight my DH on something that was important to him over something that has ultimately been a very small part of my lo's life.

 

[kerrymom]

The name is not my husbands first, or middle name.

I understand your point of view, and I feel like I will hear that from a lot of people. I just feel very strongly against the name, to the point where I will be resentful if forced to use it. We are both being stubborn, but his stubbornness leaves me with no option, and mine leaves us with all other names to choose from.

 

[staralfur]

The name is not my husbands first, or middle name.

I understand your point of view, and I feel like I will hear that from a lot of people. I just feel very strongly against the name, to the point where I will be resentful if forced to use it. We are both being stubborn, but his stubbornness leaves me with no option, and mine leaves us with all other names to choose from.

Ah sorry, I misread that. Do you have negative feelings towards his grandfather and brother? If not then I would try to focus on the name being part of those family members, not just his father.

I think that if you want to fight the name you need to be prepared to tell your husband why. It's going to cause tension either way, I imagine it would be quite frustrating to have your spouse say no to a family name with no real explanation, it could seem like you're just dismissing his feelings on the matter.

 

[kerrymom]

I never knew his grandfather, and his brother goes by his middle name.

I agree, and up until now I haven't said much because we weren't sure of the gender.

I have suggested he think of names of people in history (he is a huge history buff), authors, or musicians that inspire him. He took that to heart and gave me two names. One of which I think I could push for a middle name if we come up with another first name.

 

[Jbree]

What if you suggest using one of your husbands name?

 

[cherrylips100]

No no no!
If you don't like it then that's enough of a reason. An old tradition isn't as important as what YOU think as he is your son and presumably will have dads/grandads surname anyway? Perhaps suggest a boys name he liked when choosing your dds name or use a name that relates to him in another way, his mn or a place name. Either way, don't be guilt tripped into using a name you don't like.

 

[hanni]

I don't like my FIL either and I could think of nothing worse than naming my son after any part of his name. Instead my sons middle name is my partners name. Could you suggest this instead? Tell him that it would mean more to you?
I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell him that you don't feel he's a big enough influence in your lives to name your son after him in any way.

 

[kerrymom]

Thanks Cherrylips! I totally agree about not being guilt tripped/ forced into giving my son a name I don't care for. Why should I take a passive role in the naming of my own child?

Also, I have thought about using my husbands name (which is his middle, as his parents never called him by his first name, which I don't get) as our little ones middle name. My husband seemed to consider this, so it could work.

Neither of us should want to do something the other one does not agree with. He is quick to veto names that I like, and we move onto other names. I don't see this as being any different.

 

[Quartz]

Talk to him - tell him why you dont want the name and ask him why he wants it. Listen to his reasons as well and ask him why he wants to use it - tradition is not a good enough reason but he may well have other more sentimental reasons.

The problem is here is if two people feel very strongly about something and there is no real compromise (its either use it or dont) understanding the motivation behind it might help - does he feel sad that he does not have a good relationship with his family and that his son will not get to know them and he wants him to feel connected to that side of the family by giving him the family name.

Be honest with each other I think and listening to each other is the only way out of this

 

[kerrymom]

Thank you Hanni, I appreciate your thoughts.

Some people think I should just let it be, it's just a middle name, and it's important to my husband. But I know myself, and I would not be happy at all, and would just resent my husband in the end. That's not good for anybody!

Also, I just don't understand why it's something my husband is pushing for anyway? He is the second born son, so this name is not his- but his brothers and father. If his father was an important figure in his life, a trusted friend and inspiration then I would feel differently, for my husbands sake. That's just not the case.

 

[kerrymom]

Thank you Quartz, that's a wonderful perspective.
I honestly don't know why it's important to him, but if I ask him to give me more reasons then "it's tradition" maybe he will surprise me. Although I doubt it will change my mind.

 

[SaraVO]

I'm a bit different in that in my culture father's name their sons. If we were having a girl then he would have had an opinion but it would have been up to me. But he's a boy and I offered to name him after my husband, he passed I know I have a say and he wants me to like the name but as to tradition I am waiting for him to decide. But, if I told him I hated a choice it would be off of the list. So maybe just be honest besides as the second son it would be a little presumptuous what if his older brother wants to use it someday the name should really stay in line father to son if that is how it began. Not father to son to nephew.

 

[Amygdala]

I say stick to your guns on this one! Your FIL does not sound like a nice man and I wouldn't want to name my son after someone I didn't think was a good person. And either way, you not liking it should be enough. There are other names! What about a variation of DH's name, a place name that is special to him or your relationship, or a middle name chosen by meaning (ie decide on the meaning then look for names to match it)? You'll both have to live with it for the rest of your lives so I think veto wins.

 

[Quartz]

Thank you Quartz, that's a wonderful perspective.
I honestly don't know why it's important to him, but if I ask him to give me more reasons then "it's tradition" maybe he will surprise me. Although I doubt it will change my mind.

I take it he does not see his family much and you see yours a lot? Because I do wonder given the information you have whether it is his way of linking his son to his background and heritage and his family without having to see them. If that is the case then surely its not about how his family are but simply a connection to his family.

BTW he may not be able to articulate this it may just be he knows he wants the name. Talk to him through it and see because if this is the reason I suspect his resentment may run deep if you overrule him.

 

[pippi_89]

I'd tell him. He probably doesn't need to know all the reasons but I wouldn't bottle it up. Is it better to have one disagreement with him now or spend the rest of your life silently resenting his decision? Or worse, have it come up after the decision has been made.

I had a very similar situation when we were naming DS, for exactly the same reasons. We went with a variation of his dad's name. Would that be an option for you? In our case we used a Welsh version of the name as I'm Welsh. FIL wasn't particularly happy as he is very stubbornly English but it resolved it for OH.

I understand that he feels strongly about it, but clearly so do you. Why should your opinion be less important? If you can't come to a compromise surely the only fair thing to do is put it aside.

 

[kerrymom]

I'm a bit different in that in my culture father's name their sons. If we were having a girl then he would have had an opinion but it would have been up to me. But he's a boy and I offered to name him after my husband, he passed I know I have a say and he wants me to like the name but as to tradition I am waiting for him to decide. But, if I told him I hated a choice it would be off of the list. So maybe just be honest besides as the second son it would be a little presumptuous what if his older brother wants to use it someday the name should really stay in line father to son if that is how it began. Not father to son to nephew.

My husband's brother won't be having any children, no doubt about it.

Thank you for your input, and I hope your husband picks a name you love!

 

[kerrymom]

I say stick to your guns on this one! Your FIL does not sound like a nice man and I wouldn't want to name my son after someone I didn't think was a good person. And either way, you not liking it should be enough. There are other names! What about a variation of DH's name, a place name that is special to him or your relationship, or a middle name chosen by meaning (ie decide on the meaning then look for names to match it)? You'll both have to live with it for the rest of your lives so I think veto wins.

My FIL is outwardly a nice person, but is very different from my husband and myself, which is why we are not close. I don't find him to be tolerant and loving. I agree that he can't force this name on me, any more then I could force him to accept a name he didn't want- which I would never do. He got his way with both our daughters names.

 

[kerrymom]

I take it he does not see his family much and you see yours a lot? Because I do wonder given the information you have whether it is his way of linking his son to his background and heritage and his family without having to see them. If that is the case then surely its not about how his family are but simply a connection to his family.

BTW he may not be able to articulate this it may just be he knows he wants the name. Talk to him through it and see because if this is the reason I suspect his resentment may run deep if you overrule him.[/QUOTE]

You are blowing my mind with your insight!
Yes, we see my parents all the time, and his very seldom. They are retired, and live 5 hrs away, and choose not to come but once a year. (we have to go there, on my husbands days off with two small kids). My folks both work full time and live 3 hrs away. We see them about 10-15 times a year. I also talk to my mom almost everyday.
I agree that using this name is more about a connection to his family, much more so then any desire to name his son after a man who has loved and inspired him. It feels lazy and thoughtless to me- this is his only son!
I agree about the resentment, which is why I have been treading lightly. We haven't discussed it in a few days, but I feel more prepared now.
Thank you

 

[kerrymom]

I'd tell him. He probably doesn't need to know all the reasons but I wouldn't bottle it up. Is it better to have one disagreement with him now or spend the rest of your life silently resenting his decision? Or worse, have it come up after the decision has been made.

I had a very similar situation when we were naming DS, for exactly the same reasons. We went with a variation of his dad's name. Would that be an option for you? In our case we used a Welsh version of the name as I'm Welsh. FIL wasn't particularly happy as he is very stubbornly English but it resolved it for OH.

I understand that he feels strongly about it, but clearly so do you. Why should your opinion be less important? If you can't come to a compromise surely the only fair thing to do is put it aside.

Im not sure a variation on the name would be an option, but I wouldn't mine using my husbands name as the middle name.
I agree that my opinion should not count for less, tradition or not. I had nothing to do with naming his brother, dad, or grandfather-Im not obligated to keep up their tradition. I am the mother, so I surely get veto power.