Daughter Wants to get MARRIED!

[CheerCoach]

Hi Ladies....

I'm an older mom, 38. Hubby and I have 2 daughters, 17 & 15. Brittany, our older daughter will be graduating H.S. June 3rd, just a few weeks before I'm due. She turns 18 July 14th. Hubby and I have our 20th anniversary July 16th. Anyway, Brit has had a serious b/f for the past year. He's a great young man. He's already turned 18 (in January).

He's leaving for basic training in the Army on June 21st and they've been talking about getting married. *SIGH* I guess I'm not opposed to it...after all I met my husband when I was in high school and we've been together ever since. So I know young marriages can work...doesn't mean they will. I think hubby and I are in the minority.

Brit and I talked yesterday about this. Their unofficial plan right now is he goes to basic training and then a specialized training, he'll be gone for about 4 months...so back home on break somewhere around mid-October. If they've not moved on his parents said they'd pay for the wedding!

I was suprised because to me this has nothing to do with the financial aspect. His mom didn't talk with me about it at all. Once my daughter turns 18 I feel it is her option and if she decides to marry her b/f I'd be supportive...but it pisses me off that his family would offer to take care of things without involving me and my husband.

My conflicts are so varied here.
1. I'm concerned that they are young, but they are both 3.5 + GPA students both are very athletic and active in school activities. Neither of them drinks or uses any drugs. They have been sexually active but are responsible and use protection (this isn't a marriage based on pregnancy). Both are responsible and have talked about their paths in life and how they can work together to make it work. I was very impressed to hear somethings they've talked about.

2. I hate to admit this but with her b/f going into the military I am so scared that they'll get married, he'll leave and be injured...or worse...and then Brit has that to live with forever. I know this worries her also.

3. The b/f's mom stepping on hubby & my toes. Okay, should they decide to get married I know my daughter and I are close enough that this can be dealt with...just really ticks me off. I really don't like that woman.

Anyway, I guess I'm mostly venting. Hubby keeps saying, well they're in love just like we were in love. How do you argue that? I'm not for or against it...just wish they'd wait another year at least.

Done venting lol

 

[Sweetie]

Sorry no real advice...

 

[Canadianmom4]

Like you, I'm 38. My oldest, a girl is 17, she'll be 18 in May, so I can kinda relate in that aspect.

I'd be just as torn as you. While you want the best for your children, you need to let them get out there and make their own mistakes, but in this case, maybe it won't be a mistake. Your daughter sounds very mature and responsible. I admit I think 18 is WAY too young to get married. But ultimately it will be her decision because she'll be 18.

I guess my advice would be to just support her decisions. Be there for her when she needs you. As hard as it is losing your children (because they get older, grow up and move out), we have to let them spread their wings. We've done our job.

Good luck, I'm sure she won't disappoint you.

 

[Sofiekirsten]

I got married to my DH when I was 19 - Slightly older than your daughter but there abouts.

I understand where you are coming from as my mum was the same with me.

'You have got ages yet'

'Do you not think your too young?'

'Go and live your life before you get married'

In all fairness my DH is 25 so he is older than your daughters b/f.

My advice would be just tell her how you feel about it and then leave it at that. She will make her own decision (usually the opposite to what you want) and unfortunatley her own mistakes.

Told my mum the same thing. I told her I appreciated her opinion but I will make my decision and my own mistakes. Just let her know you are there to support her no matter what she chooses.

I agree about his side of the family not including you in the finances of the wedding and the emotional aspect of it aswell. I would just inform them that you of liked to have been included in that decision and any future decisions should they decided to go ahead with the wedding.

Hope this helps

 

[FloridaGirl21]

Cheercoach

sorry to be nosey in the 3rd tri section but just wanted to comment really quickly.. I'm 21, I was 17 when DH & I married (1 month before I turned 18). We just had our 3 yr anniversary in February My family was very worried/upset about the decision we had made, understandably so.. But when it boiled down to it, my grandmother married us, my family was there for the wedding, etc, etc & it felt really good knowing that they were still there for me.. Now, in hindsight, I understand why they would have wanted us to wait a little while longer (maybe a year like you suggested) so that I could have gone to school, etc, it may have been easier.. But I never would have changed my mind on who I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with, so to me, giving up that year was worth it & I have no regrets. I've still made it through school & accomplished a lot more than most people my age..

Like Canadian mom said above, my advise would be to support Brit, she sounds smart & i'm sure everything will be fine..

As for her BF's mom, I feel like she is out of place. I'd be fuming if I that ever happened to me.

 

[four]

I too married my HS sweetheart. We did wait a while to get married but were engaged at just 19. (Actually he asked on my Birthday) We did wait a couple years to get married though. We will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this year.

It does sometimes work out. Ultimately, she will decide what she wants. She sound like a bright, good kid. You have done a good job so far.

 

[aussiettc]

i meet my DH when i was 18, and we got engaged 3 months after we met.
Like everyone else has said i think you have raised a smart and mature girl so i would just support her. As far as her b/f going into the forces, if they were not married or even if they had separated if anything happened to him i think she would be devistated.

I have a different opinion of her b/f parents to everyyone else. I honestly don't think that they ment to upset you. I think that like you they want the kids to wait a bit longer and this was there way of trying to make sure that they didn't run into it to quickly. If i where you i would tell your daughter how you feel a little left out and maybe her & her b/f could talk to his parents about including you more.

Best of luck

 

[UnsureMom]

Hi!

I know I met my husband at 14, and we got married quite young too. And we lived together and were "practically" married for a year before we actually tied the knot. haha.

My parents also got married at 17 & 18 and are still very happily married. (Almost 40 years now!)

Even my parents, who were married so young, were concerned. But in no way do I think it was a mistake. We're both VERY happy, and have learned a lot. I think getting married so young will actually help us. We have time to really learn each other and even grow together.

And I don't think his parent's meant to upset you guys at all! I think it was more of "well we can pay for it, and then no one else has to worry about." And it was their way of showing support the best they could. I think if it upset you, you should call the mom and volunteer to help out any way you can.

 

[CheerCoach]

Thanks for all the positive comments

His mom and I had met well before the kids started dating and we didn't exactly get along. We've both been more or less friendly since the kids started dating, but I can't help but feel that this is more about causing drama than anything else.

When it comes down to it, I support my daughter and if they decide to get married when he has his break my hubby and I will continue to be supportive of their decision. I can't complain about our daughter or her b/f. They are amazing kids and even if I had the ability to build-a-boyfriend for her I doubt I could have done much better. They both have great qualities and are goal-oriented.

I think its mostly my hormones and my buttinsky mom ways I just want the best for my girl and I know how hindsight can be 20/20. I look at the situation and realize that she could go through life trying to find the right guy and get hurt over and over...and that perhaps this is her path. So, whatever happens I'll continue to parent my daughter the way I always have and trust that she's a smart cookie and isn't impulsive.

I do appreciate all the different perspectives and thoughts, thank you all!

 

[Anicole10]

I'm in a similar situation. My OH and I met when were 10 and started dating at 15...we are now 21 almost 22 and still together but have been thinking of marriage since 17. His family is very much so on the band wagon but mine are very hesitant (as you are...although they dont disagree they are still hesitant). We ended up just becoming engaged and waiting until we were absolutely ready after watching a good couple friend (he entered the marines right after hs and she stayed behind) get married and it fail miserably. They too matched your daughter and her boyfriends situation but in reality none of that prepared the for the realities of being in a military marriage situation especially after only a year of dating.

I would really suggest premarital counseling and I would really suggest having them talk to newlyweds who are in the same military setting (both my parents are vets and I am a military brat...it is NOT easy by any means. 1 year of being together seems very soon to jump ship). Good luck and I hope they are able to make it happen if not now...eventually

 

[Jasiellover]

Your daughter sounds very mature and you sound like a wonderful mother who understands, yet wants the best for your daughter. I got married at 18 (I'm now 20 soon 21) to my Military husband and it's amazing. I know my mom was in your exact shoes with me, she was a little worried for me but still supported our decision and I love her so much for that. I think you're right you have to let her make the choice and let things play out. Being married to a military man on it's own isn't easy, being young sometimes makes it a bit tougher. Having to move somewhere unknown, first time away from fam and friends, and new to the whole marriage thing plus just getting your life started is a lot. I hope it all works out for her. & sorry to hear about his mother and the whole planning thing. That would really make me upset too!

 

[CheerCoach]

Ah, your photos brought tears to my eyes....makes me think of Brit n Erik.

I wish you luck on your TTC Journey, I'll have to read your blog. My husband and I had a suprise pregnancy last year which ended in miscarriage. We TTC for months with no luck...just a few months after giving up we found out we were pregnant...go figure.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Jasiellover]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate that Aw I'm sorry to hear about your loss and I'm happy to hear about the sticky bean! So sweet