Dealing With A Miscarriage - I Don't Know How

[gigglezk]

Two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I was a little surprised, but more caught off guard. DH and I had talked about another child a few weeks earlier and since we are doing natural family planning, we knew it was a possibility. But nonetheless, I was still a little surprised. When I first realized about the pregnancy I felt a little numb. I guess you could say I felt indifferent. I wasn't unhappy or upset. But I couldn't really say I was overly excited either. It was just kind of "oh". After I told DH later that night, I started getting really excited. We talked about names (Eric William or Denise Delouise <---(Delouise is my favorite aunt's name)). DH was out of town and the next day I got flowers from him with a beautiful card. To be honest, I never saw myself having more than 2 kids, but a 3rd child wasn't out of the question.

So since I have a condition that requires me to take meds, I made an appt. with my ob-gyn for this week. On Monday, I went into the doc's office and the pregnancy test there was negative. I was confused and shocked because I had taken 2 at home tests and they were both positive. So the doctor ordered some blood work. I had my blood taken on both Monday and Wednesday. I knew in my heart I was pregnant. I had all the symptoms. I only wish I had realized I was pregnant sooner. So Wednesday, I started spotting. I had told the ob-gyn on Monday that I had been cramping. She said it was normal. I had minor cramping with my first 2 so I wasn't too worried. But then Monday and Tuesday, I didn't "feel" pregnant. The symptoms I had last week were gone. I told the nurse on Wednesday and she told me it was probably my period. I really felt like they didn't believe I was pregnant. So when I started spotting on Wednesday, I starting thinking maybe I was wrong, maybe it was my period after all. But I still cried my heart out because I knew I was having a miscarriage, but I was hoping I was wrong. On Thursday the doc's office calls and tells me they need me to come in for more lab work and a pelvic ultrasound to make sure I was having a normal pregnancy. When I asked about the blood pregnancy test, they told me that was something only the doc could discuss with me. Which made me mad because she had just told me they wanted to check to make sure this pregnancy was normal. I went in yesterday and all the time I'm waiting in the office I'm bleeding. I told the nurse several times, but I still had to wait. By the time my ultrasound was done, I was bleeding badly. Then I was told to wait. No one would tell me anything. Finally I see the doc and she tells me in the most chipper voice that I was having a miscarriage but they wanted to be sure so I needed to give more blood.

Here I am with my heart breaking and she is telling me my baby is dying. I asked her if there was anything that could be done and she gave me a simple no and went on to tell me about some shot I might need in my butt. Then she did a pelvic exam that hurt like hell. I cried the entire time and Ms. Sympathetic said nothing. She gave me my lab work papers and then left me in the room alone. I'm so upset. It hurts so much. I don't know how to deal with this. I keep trying to move forward for the sake of my living children, but its hard. DH is home and he's upset as well. But somehow, I don't think he just quite gets it. I'm sorry if this is graphic, but I hate going to the bathroom because I see my child leaving. Its hard. Eventually, I know it'll get better, but now it just hurts so much.

Friday I had to give more blood for another test and the lab tech wished me a happy pregnancy and holidays. All I could do was smile, but when I got to my car I broke down. Then the doc's office called later that day to confirm for the 3rd time that I had miscarried. I don't understand the point of that. I was feeling a little better before she called and told me that. Hello!!!! I already know that. I see my child is dead every time I go the bathroom.

I'm just so hurt. I don't know how to deal with this. It hasn't even been a week since I lost my baby and I feel like everyone around me acts like I just need to get over it. I'm tired of people telling me I need to focus on my kids that I have now. WHAT ABOUT MY BABY!!! Am I just supposed to forget she existed? I can't. I won't!! I am just so lonely. My husband tries, but I just don't think he understands. Our baby was seven weeks. She had a heartbeat. How can I just forget her? I don't understand why people act like I am supposed to forget her.

I cry everyday. It's hard because I have to hide from my boys because I don't want them to see me upset. How can I explain this? They wouldn't understand they are too young. And it's really no reason to explain it to them since it would only make them upset. I just don't know what to do. I've been sleeping with the onesie I made for her. I just can't deal with this.

 

[Wobbles]

Having experienced so many heartaches I had my miracle only a couple of weeks ago! For me it was always the loss of our first which was heartbreaking ... I can imagine for a woman who has normal pregnancies to crash into this cruel way of life to be just as upsetting and a shock.

All I can say right now is it gets better < I hated people saying that though so I don't mind if you growl at me because right now it doesn't seem like it. When you get to that point it does not mean you should or ever will forget because you don't < nobody should suggest that either! Sometimes however people think they are being comforting with words but they just don't get it!

Cry & vent as much as you need to - to be honest my OH was what I thought was horrid and hard faced at the time ... men (a lot of anyway) deal with things so much differently from us & sadly I think although they are hurting deep down (he will be) that feeling of loss is so much more for a woman and they definately don't understand that - its not only mentally but physically heartbreaking for the woman to experience & see what is happening to her body I also found my comfort in a a forum (before opening BabyandBump) the girls were great in fact most of those girls are a member of BabyandBump now I honestly don't know where I'd have been without them so don't feel alone will you? - sometimes strangers and bashing your frustration out on the keyboard can help more than the real world. Its hard finding someone to talk to who will listen and not get bored because they don't understand etc!

Your boys are little lookers by the way you must be SO proud of them. They are defo too young to know but Im guessing you learn to try and keep your chin up infront of them but when you get your time alone cry if you need to I really believe that helps also

You CAN deal with this just right now you don't see how x x

 

[Mango]

Gigglez I'm so sorry you had to go through this! I can't imagine how you feel but you're in my prayers and I know you will make it through this! You and DH keep talking as much as you need and stay open to one another.

Hope 2008 brings you many blessings

 

[RachiePachie]

First of all I send my love and strength. I had a MC 2 1/2 weeks ago and had problems with the EPU too so I can feel for you.

Everyone is different with how they cope. I struggle some days and others are easier. I named my angel, got a ring with her birthstone (of the month when she was due) and started up a blog in which I could release all my emotions - that I found the most helpful. Everyone is different hun I just hope you find the thing that helps you the most.

 

[gigglezk]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a little better. The bleeding has stopped and that makes it a little easier. My husband had a good idea a few days ago. He suggested I write a letter to the baby. So I did...well, I'm not finished. It hurts too much so I stop and start. But, I went to Michael's and bought a beautiful unfinished wood box. I painted it and embellished it with flowers. Once I finish the letter, I'm going to put it inside the box along with a onesie I embroidered. I don't know where I'm going to put the box yet, but it definitely isn't going in the back of the closet or a box. I really liked his idea. It does help some and kind of gives me a sense of closure. But I still miss my baby.

Christmas was such a crappy day for me, but I made sure it was a blast for my boys. I was a little sad because we were going to tell the grandparents about the baby. My favorite aunt called and I just didn't have the heart to tell her about the baby. It still just hurts so much.

Today I went for a massage and it helped a lot. The spa I go to has a "grievance" massage where they encourage you to let go of the negative energy your pain is manifesting in your body. I cried during the massage and it just felt so good to let it out. Every day its getting a little easier, but I still wish I wasn't going through this.

Its nice having a place to vent where people understand how I feel. Although I love her to death, my bestfriend just doesn't get it. Her response is "well you can have more kids" or "you already have two kids." ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love her, but I could kill her. Oh well, I know that some just aren't going to understand.

 

[poppy]

Hi Gigglez. I am really sorry for your loss. You must be feeling really down just now. I think the letter and the box is a really lovely thought. It must have been hard to write though. I am glad your massage helped you a bit.

I had a similar experience to you a couple of weeks ago, so I know how you feel. I had a week of positive hpts and then my symptoms completely stopped. So, I tested again and it came up negative, then I started cramping and bleeding. I was only five weeks along but it really devastates you. It is good that we have this forum to chat to people who have had similar experiences because you can be open here with your feelings. Sometimes in the 'real world' it is hard to tell others what you are going through, especially if you haven't told many that you are pregnant in the first place.

I hope you feel stronger soon - PM me if you want to talk.

Poppy

 

[Spunky Cupkake]

aww hun i had more or less the same as you i was only 5 weeks tho i had 4 positive pregnancy tests and when they did a blood test and a pregnancy test my blood was leveal 8 hcg and the preg test was neg so how come i had 4 positives ??? probably buy the time i was tested my hcg level was dropping i was treated like s**t nobody cared only my friend but everyone plus my partner told me forget about it and try again i knew just like you i was pregnant as i has the tests to prove it and the symptoms but the day before i felt like s**t and totally worn out then the following day i started to bleed on the tuesday morning i started to lose little clots then a big one passed while i was showering so im sorry hiow coul they tell me i wasnt the basically tried to say io was lying it was just a period the give me an internal but never scanned me which i was mad about how did they know if i was losing a twin ??? how did they know how many babies i was carrying ??? i think about that baby and my son everyday i know i was only 5 weeks but it was still my baby if you ever want to chat im here pm me xxx

 

[gigglezk]

I' starting to feel bitter and MAD. Why does stuff like this happen to good people? I'm a damn good mother and I know so many who have had this horrible thing happen are/would be good mothers as well. So why us? How come people who do horrible stuff to children or neglect them or don't even care about them get to have children? It's not fair and it sucks ass. I know bad things happen to good people for no reason, but why? I just don't get it. I'm so hurt.

 

[gigglezk]

I just baked 8 batches of cookies! Baking always makes me feel normal. So I'll be okay tonight. If anything my boys will be super happy tomorrow morning and will beg me to give them cookies for breakfast, lol.