Dealing with birth in the face of death

Discussion in 'Postnatal Support' started by JoHio, Oct 8, 2013.

  1. JoHio

    JoHio Well-Known Member

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    I have always struggled with depression so it is not very surprising I have post partum depression. I guess I just thought I'd have my children and POOF! -life would be good. Shortly after my daughter was born, my uncle, who I loved so very much, was diagnosed with brain cancer. After a long, horrible year of suffering, he passed. It floored me. Even at the worst of my depression, I always clung to the idea that life, in some way, was fair...that there was some degree to which it could be good, or at least bearable.
    The birth of my kids (now 3 and 21 months) juxtaposed to the death of my uncle has all but destroyed me. I feel like I have no right to have brought them into a world of suffering, ugliness and death. I feel horrible.
    It actually hurts me to look at them sometimes. It is painfully obvious that I will never be able to truly protect them, and God I want to so badly.

    I don't know why I am posting this. I guess I feel very alone, and I'd like not to.

    Hugs to all mom's out there fighting PND. xo
     
  2. embeth

    embeth Mum to 4 perfect children

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    Don't have much experience with PND, just wanted to send you :hugs: hope you feel better soon xx
     
  3. Bmama

    Bmama Mommy & expecting #2!

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    So sorry for your loss :hugs: I lost my grandmother during my pregnancy after her 8 year struggle with ovarian cancer, and it was certainly hard for me to deal with at 6 months pregnant. When my grandmother passed and I found out she had wanted me to do her eulogy, I just told myself I had to pull it together and be strong for the baby growing inside of me. Now that my little guy is here I so badly wish my grandma was here to meet him, but knowing that I can share traditions and things she liked with my son helps me cope with the loss when I'm feeling lonely. And I always remind myself that I want my son to see me remembering my grandma as a happy thing not a sad thing :flower:
     
  4. fashionlover

    fashionlover Well-Known Member

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    I too, have been struggling with post partum blues. I had an extremely difficult pregnancy with my daughter and struggled with depression and it has carried through til now. I am not on any medication although I have thought about it as I cannot control my thoughts. I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who thinks about how I have brought a human into the world who will feel pain and suffering, I blame myself and cry most days because of this. I am having a really hard time controlling my thoughts about horrible things happening to my baby. I can't seem to find a way to shut them up. :cry:
     
  5. JoHio

    JoHio Well-Known Member

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    We are not alone, and it is good to talk to people. I think it is the only thing that has saved me. Like you, I am not on medication, but the more I talk, the better I feel. I have begun to realize I am not alone, and there is comfort in that.
     

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