dealing with friends' expectations

[secrethopeful]

I don't know if anyone else has had this problem. We're NTNP and most of our friends have had babies now. I have always been baby mad and they know this, but my OH has not been ready.

Not only are we coming under increasing pressure from everyone to have a baby, but I can't have a relaxing time anymore as I feel like I'm being analysed at social events. I have the kind of figure that in a lot of clothing looks as if i have a little bump, and they constantly count how many alcoholic drinks i have. I have obviously been drinking less in case we have success, but feel that sometimes i have to drink to keep them off my back as I don't want to tell them that we're NTNP.

Anyone out there sharing this problem??

 

[gardenofedens]

I'm sorry your friends don't understand the pressure and stress they're putting you though - I'm sure they haven't even thought about it.

I don't drink so I can't help with that but perhaps you can come up with some other reason of why you've given up or cut back on the alcohol intake? It's been making you feel ill? Or something else?

My OH and I had a BBQ at our place two weekends ago and one of our friends brought her two kids (20 months and 10 weeks). She knows I ADORE her kids and kept asking when we were going to start trying, etc. even commenting that our first baby will be here by Christmas, etc. In all honesty, I don't mind at this point since it's only our second cycle off birth control but I'm sure it would get on my nerves if we had been trying for longer. At the same time though, it took her 14 months to conceive her first so she's also a great source of information for me if we do need the help!

Good luck to you in coming up with an excuse to tell your friends so they back off!

 

[Lyra]

It is tough. I would love to share the fact that we're sort of TTC with my mum but she's terrible enough at the moment, every phone call I get badgered to find out if I'm pregnant or not! Luckily my friends are supportive but they know I'd not be able to keep it to myself once I get the BFP

Have you told people you're trying - rather than explaining the whole NTNP thing? It might make them back off if they think it's a sensitive subject! I can imagine it's hard to just ignore the comments etc, but you do need time to relax and they should let you get on with it! Good luck

 

[NotNic]

Could you try telling them that you are waiting to try? Any event could be used quite successfully for this - marriage, graduation, saving money, returning from travelling etc.

In the lead up to our wedding and immediately after, we were constantly being asked when we were going to start a family. We've said that we wanted to do a few things before starting a family, and most importantly wanted to save up for a family home first. This has helped ease the pressure and everyone's questions are now about our search for a home instead of a baby. Your friends and family only want the best for you, and most people just don't realise that their interest can be a bit insensitive. HTHs

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

I can understand what you mean. I have been married for 9 months now and when I go to social occasions with friends, I always feel that I must drink so they don't think I'm pregnant. They are expecting it soon. Im sure they will know once I am as I won't touch a drop when I'm pregnant. x

 

[GirlBlue]

I totally understand how you feel. I think people just don't get it sometimes. My family and friends are always making comments. If they're not asking me what I'm waiting for then it hasn't been a full conversation. I think sometimes people put their own stuff off on you, but don't let them. I had friends being kinda judgmental about my DH and I's decision to WTT, but I have to remind myself that its really our decision and they probably won't want to babysit when I need them..LOL

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

I think that's quite rude of your friends / family to be constantly analysing whether or not you're pregnant. Fine, they can do it all they want behind closed doors but you shouldn't be aware they're doing it! That would annoy me very much and I agree with suggestion to say you're WTT, make up an event to wait until after if needs be!

 

[Tonka106]

I know how you feel, my best friend just delivered her DS three weeks ago and all of mine and OH's friends have kids, and everyone is always asking me if I'm pregnant yet. I haven't told anyone except my best friend that we're trying, but still it seems like everyone is just expecting us to be next in line! It gets stressful for sure!

 

[NotNic]

I know how you feel, my best friend just delivered her DS three weeks ago and all of mine and OH's friends have kids, and everyone is always asking me if I'm pregnant yet. I haven't told anyone except my best friend that we're trying, but still it seems like everyone is just expecting us to be next in line! It gets stressful for sure!

Tonka you might be next in line!

 

[Tonka106]

I know how you feel, my best friend just delivered her DS three weeks ago and all of mine and OH's friends have kids, and everyone is always asking me if I'm pregnant yet. I haven't told anyone except my best friend that we're trying, but still it seems like everyone is just expecting us to be next in line! It gets stressful for sure!

Tonka you might be next in line!

Hope so, thanks

 

[MackMomma8]

DH and I are the only ones out of our circle of friends without a baby. It's sooo hard, because I feel like they are judging me, like if I say anything baby-related AT ALL I can just hear them thinking "Well how does she know, she's not a mom!" It hurts. Plus they all like to talk about having their 2nd and 3rd babies... in a year or so. I won't even have my first yet!!

 

[lemna]

I sooo feel like this, and friends have been polite enough not to ask. But I'm the last one in my circle of friends without kids and so all the eyes are on my OH and I when we get together.

We went and visited one couple and their newborn, and they posted a pic of us holding their baby (this was fine with me). One of our friends commented that the writing was on the wall, and another said my OH looks good with babies so he needs to have some of his own. :eyeroll:

I'm starting to NTNP this month, and I've already researched non-alcoholic drinks that could fool people. If I order on my own (not in front of friends) and get a Shirley Temple, or seltzer with cranberry and lime, or a non-alcholic beer (have them pour it in a glass), I might be able to get away with it.

 

[secrethopeful]

thanks guys for being so supportive. I'm running out convincing excuses! I'm married, have a house and everyone knows i'm desperate for a baby. I used to just blame OH for not being ready, but he is now and everyone keeps giving him stick about it, so i feel guilty about blaming him now. I haven't told anyone that we're trying as i thought that would make them ask more. I've seen how they've been with other people. I now wish I'd not been a heavy drinker, but most people think of me as one (not that i actually drank that much)! Guess if i clown around like i'm drunk they'll never know!
Good luck to those testing this month, af arrived this morning so back to square one for me

 

[beccad]

I find it so rude when people do this. I tell people off when they ask me that sort of question - explain how it makes me feel, how it could make people feel if they were trying and weren't having much luck, and more to the point how effing personal the decision to have a child is!

I have managed to subtly cut back on the amount of drinking I do now, although I do sometimes feel like I have to drink to prove I'm not pregnant. I tend to drive places a lot these days, so I can't have a drink But people have got a little bit used to me not drinking so much now, or not having anything at all. I think when I do fall pregnant I'm just going to make sure I'm the designated driver most of the time. Perfect excuse really, because people understand why you can't drink, rather than just saying "I'm trying to be healthy" etc, as people still try and force a drink in your hand (another thing I find rather rude!)

 

[Amarna]

I understand how frustrating this type of situation can be. For us it's only restricted to a few people but boy do those few really know how bring the pressure. For the past two years we've had to hear from the mother-in-law about how it would be best to have a small age gap with our daughter and a new baby. Never mind finances or school or whatever else was holding us back. We HAVE TO HAVE ONE SOON, or she will be totally let down kind of thing. Ugh. Lately friends have been asking when we're trying for another but they haven't gotten invasive, just a question here or there so I can put up with that at the moment.

TTC is a really personal decision and I really wish that people would realize that and give couples a bit of privacy with this stuff. Really, it's no one's business other than the couple and those they choose to bring it up with.

 

[TurboTurtle80]

Hi Ladies.

I completely understand how you feel. I always respond, "we are practicing really hard," which usually ends up being tmi and they leave the subject alone. Haha! My parents are the worst about it so I don't even bring up the fact that we are trying. Their siblings have grandchildren already and it always becomes an issue at family gatherings. My dad always says he'll never be a grandpa, which really hurts me. They don't realize that our little family is the youngest of everyone and even though I'm the oldest sibling I wasn't really ready mentally or financially until now. Thankfully I have close friends that understand what I'm going through and can support me where my parents can't. Idk what I'd do without the support.

Baby dust to you all!

 

[mightyspu]

Just tell them you find their comments intrusive, if they are true friends they will understand, especially if they have had kids themselves. They are obviously very excited that you are at the beginning of starting your family, but tell them that you would like to be be the one to tell them when the time comes, not for them to draw their own conclusions after analysing your every move!

 

[secrethopeful]

Thanks for the most recent responses, I feel so much better now. I love the idea about giving them TMI! Nothing like a bit of embarrassment to shut them up.

I've actually noticed that as long as you have a glass in your hand at various times during the evening and get your own drink that people don't seem to notice that you're not actually drinking it. I too have gradually cut back beccad and I think friends are getting used to it too. I think the key lesson I've learnt is change your behaviour well in advance!

 

[naturebug32]

Maybe you should just tell them politely that you aren't trying right now. Hopefully being your friend, they would understand. If they don't, maybe it's time for some new friends. I know how you feel, when I first got married (tho I'm divorced now) the questioning was relentless from both friends and family. They stopped asking after a while, but sometimes you just need to politely ask them to stop.