Dealing with other people's opinions

[Starlight34]

Hi ladies. I am 34, but will be 35 when I have my first baby this July. My DH is 39. Until now, I was not ready or at a time in my life to have a baby. I wanted to establish a career and have the opportunity to travel a bit, which I did. We have had several people, including DH's family, tell us we shouldn't have waited so long, and that we are going to be too old. These are all people who had their children in their late teens, early twenties. I don't know how to respond when people say things like that. Everybody's life circumstances are different. I don't feel it's fair to be judging and commenting on it. Has this happened to any of you? If so, how did you respond?

 

[DJ79]

It's not appropriate for them to say anything! I am 36 and 18w pregnant. We are now considered pretty normal don't they know??? The best response is just to say I like to do things differently, or this way suits us, or that you wanted to establish your life and make sure you were financially and emotionally secure before you started a family.... Or there is always just the 'what's it got to do with you?' response? xxx

 

[tulip1975]

I'm pregnant with my first at 39, and when people ask me if I'm going it have another - I tell them I'll be too old. They think I'm crazy. Go figure.

No one ever comments on my age unsolicited. It's inappropriate.

Obviously you didn't wait too long, or you wouldn't be pregnant now. If you respond, tell them as much and and tell them what you said here - you wanted to build your career and travel -- maybe you wanted those things so that you could build your child a good foundation and get past working crazy hours climbing the career ladder and move into a position where more flexibility is given.

 

[Starlight34]

Exactly. I wanted to be in a career that I don't despise. That wouldn't have been possible if I had children younger, or would have been much more difficult. It's funny, because one of the people who commented negatively on my age had a son who got his girlfriend pregnant at 18. You can't tell me that was a better situation.

 

[pansorie]

The only negative comments about my age have been from me, in jest. My friends and family are so 100% supportive, I am really fortunate. But I don't think many people are clear on exactly how old I am, anyway, lol (36 years).

 

[StaceyM]

I'm not even sure how 34 is considered 'old'. I'm pretty sure you are ridiculously normal. I'm 39 with my first, and like another poster mentioned, I'm the only one who tends to disparage myself for being too old. Now granted most people assume I'm in my late 20s because I inherited my mother's Asian youth genes but still... 34 may be too old for some people to have kids, but not for you. They can decide if it's too old when thinking about their own bodies and pregnancies, but you made the decision that it wasn't too old for your body and life. Anyone can judge you for anything if they want to. Do their opinions matter so much? What have they done that makes them so much wiser than you? Good luck with your pregnancy. If you are happy and in a good place, then you made the right decision.

 

[Scout]

Umm, 34 is young! I had my first at 46 and I've only got a few half joking comments about how old I'll be when my daughter is in high school. I always say, 'I know. I'm so lucky and blessed to have her in my life."

I really think it's ridiculous that anybody would comment about someone in their mid 30's being too old to have a baby. I'd just tell them that this is the exact right time in both yours and your husbands life to have a child. You planned it this way. It's perfect.

 

[hivechild]

There's nothing and no reason to justify your choices.

"Husband and I are very excited about this next chapter in our lives and everything that's to come." *smile* "Could you pass the salt, please?"

 

[Serenjay]

your babies compared to me.. im a Mamasaurus.. im 42

 

[julesjules100]

Totally insensitive thing to say. I would either take a whole "I beg your pardon? What does it have to do with you?" stance or if its family and you can't be that rude then when anyone says you're too old I would say "That's extremely helpful and supportive, given I can't go back in time.... A really sensitive thing to say" Honestly. People.

I was 37 when I had my first and I'm currently trying for my second. DH and I have a gorgeous house and I have had a successful career in finance. These things would have been much further behind if I had had children early. Yes there are downsides to having waited until I was older but we are where we are x

 

[40isnotold]

I was 39 before I decided I wanted to try to have a child and 40 when I got pregnant. Now, I am 41 and am due to have my twins in May. 34/35 is still young. Besides, who cares what other people think?

 

[BabyJayne]

People and their unwanted opinions really do my nut in! I am 35, and will have just turned 36 when I have this baby. My DD will have just turned 5. We have had people asking for aaaaggges when are we having another, are we planning any more, shouldn't we be getting on with having a brother or a sister for DD etc etc. And now I think people assume we were trying for ages and couldn't get pregnant (I don't know why - may be this is just my hormones interpreting stuff wrongly), but this is how we planned it. We wanted a baby when DD was in school full time. We wanted a 4-5 year age gap. If anything, this pregnancy came a couple of months earlier that we would have ideally liked as I wanted a baby September or a bit later so it would be older in the school year. My due date is September 1st - so right on the school cut off point!!

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

We just ignored people's opinions, all the comments we got came from family. It wasn't the exact same as eveyone thought we were too young when we decided to do stuff.

When we bought our house- too young, you are going to lose it and end up bankrupt (age 22)

When we were engaged- too young, haven't experienced the world, haven't seen what all is out there (age 22)

When we announced our first child- don't you want to see the world, you haven't lived your life yet now you are giving it up (age 26- this one really annoyed me, what were they expecting me to do about it? It was a planned pregnancy and I was at least 12 weeks... unbelievable)

It doesn't really matter what the situation is people have expectations of how things should be done and if you don't conform (of course without knowing what the various expectations are) you are doing it wrong.

Being a parent comes with the same comments. Sometimes snide remarks work, but I've found for me the best is to just say thank you for your input and ignore them.

 

[bump2be]

Other people are funny! Who cares what they think...it's your life. I had my 1st aged 30 and my aunt madea comment about me being 'old' for having my first child. Goodness know what she thinks now I'm having a 2nd at 35

 

[MrsTB]

Just say with the extortionate costs of childcare these days I had no choice but to wait til my career was more established & I was earning more...why were you going to look after this baby?!!

 

[bump2be]

That's a great point Mrs. TB! No way I could have afforded childcare when I was less established in my career.

 

[PurpleIvy44]

It's too bad that people just can't be happy for you! So many women are putting careers first or not finding the right person until they're in their 30's so I find that having a child in your "30's" is now the norm. I'm 38 with my 2nd and even though I was 35 with my first, no one said anything negative. I just got a lot of "we didn't think you were going to have any" and "boom" now I'll have 2 after 35.

 

[Larkspur]

I'm 39 and OH is 51 and people keep asking if we're going to have a third! (No.) Rest assured that in some places, nothing is more normal than late-30s motherhood.

I find the best response to people making dire predictions is just to smile indulgently at them and say, "You may be quite right."

They will not be able to argue with you as you agreed with them, but they will be left with the uncomfortable feeling that they have not managed to bother you one little bit.

 

[adrie]

My mom is the only person to have commented on the fact that she never thought I'd have kids because I was 32 for the birth of my first and will be 35 with the birth of the second. She was 18 when my sister was born, 23 with me, and 25-26 with my brother. Never finished high school, low level jobs, etc., etc. I put myself through college in my mid 20s, paid off the loan, and now work in the field with the prospect of promotion. We don't live practically hand to mouth like my parents did.

I used to respond with something to the effect of, "well, who was I supposed to have kids with"? (some exes in the past, a couple wanted kids but weren't right for me)

Finally at the last outing when she said it yet again in front of all the family (my sister and brother were there also) I said "I can't believe we all came out of you!" and everyone laughed...