Dealing with sons bully?

[friskyfish]

Hi there, I'm looking for some advice from any parent who has being in a similar situation.

My son, husband & I moved house 10 months ago. We are 200 miles from our old home & moved here as my husband is in the Navy & we are now living in married quaters near his base. I have a 9 year old son from a previous relationship, so obviously was worried at how he would adjust, but he has fitted in his new school nicely.

There are alot of kids around the estate where we live & my son is always playing out. However, there is 1 girl who is making his life an utter misery.
At first she was nice to my joe, even had a soft spot for him. She is 2years older & is now in her first year at secondary school. Joe is 9 and in year 5.
Now, whenever he plays out, there is always something said or happened to upset him. She tells him to get off her street if he's near there. Calls him gay in front of all the other kids, says his hair is stupid.. the list is endless.

I know kids are kids & stuff will get Said, but my son is a sensitive little boy & really gets upset. He can give as good as he gets alot of the time, but more recently it's really been getting to him. I've already been to her parents when she kicked him & they were quite laid back, didn't seem bothered, said Joe annoys her on purpose alot. To which I replied he's only 9, and is just trying to fit in. And it stopped for a week or 2.

I've told him to stay away from her, but it's hard when they all play out. And she seems to single him out, she's the ringleader of the group.
I've told her off myself on numerous occasions, even had a chat to which she agreed to stay away from him. But obviously didn't.

Thursday was the final straw, Joe came in crying again, saying this girl had pushed him over, called him a shithead & told him everybody hates him.
As he told me this, I saw her outside my house, so opened the window & collared her. She really is horrible & no respect.I told her to leave Joe alone. I Saud, if it carrys on, I will go & tell her mum. To which she replied 'whatever...I don't care, do it' I was so so angry, as I shut the window I called her a cheeky little bitch.

Yes, I know I shouldn't have said that, but I was SO angry. My son has told me he wants to kill himself because of this girl.
Now it's all going off, her mum is gunning for me because I called her a bitch. And apparently now, this girl has told Joe's friends that she plans on making my life hell & she's not scared of me. My intention wasn't to scare her, I was simply telling her to leave Joe alone. It's horrible

I'm at my wits end, Joe is still playing out, as he has other friends. But I can't relax. I'm quite an easy going mum, my son will tell me anything...I do remember what it was like to be young. I'm hoping this girl will get bored soon when she discovers boys!! Haha.

Has anyone else confronted the bully themselves & found themselves in this situation? Sorry to ramble on. Any advice would be appreciated xx

 

[FeistyMom]

I haven't dealt with bullies yet as a mom, but as a big sister I had a confrontation that went all wrong, similar to the one you had with the girl. I was only 4 years old, and I'm sad to say that when I went to stand up for my little sis, the bully (a boy her age), decided to try to physically attack me, and I whallopped him back and verbally harassed him a little bit. It was quite effective at ending his bullying (his friends witnessed him getting 'owned' by a girl), but to this day I still feel bad about the whole situation.

The girl's mom may not care about her daughter's behavior, but it is totally outrageous for her to then be upset that people may think her daughter is a B. I agree with you that you went too far in saying it to the girl, but you might want to explain to the girl's mom that that IS how other people see her daughter, because she is running wild and bullying other kids. It is incredible hard for parents to see their kids being bullied, but it is even harder to really acknowledge that your child is the bully.

Bullying is no joke, and I would assume being on base that her family is also military. It might seem silly and overkill, but try documenting each incident, and involving as many unbiased 3rd parties as you can who witness these events. You can try sharing that information with the girl's parents, and if that doesn't phase them explain that you will have no alternative but to approach authorities if they decline to take interest in their daughter's exploits. that might be enough to shock them into awareness.

Also, she may have bullied someone else before your son came along, and as a 'new' boy in the neighborhood, she may have moved on to him, which is why she was friendly at first. Or it may also be possible that she felt 'jilted' by him in some way; maybe he didn't go along with her on something she wanted to do.

I just feel that girl bullies are SO hard to deal with. You can't teach your son to 'hit her back', but an older girl really CAN make everyone's life miserable. hopefully she is just an angsty tween who just hasn't learned how to properly channel her frustrations and will move out of this phase.

 

[SerenityNow]

I'm sorry, but I think the way you handled this has made the situation much worse for everyone. You called an 11 year old girl a bitch. There is no excuse for an adult behaving that way toward a child. Calling someone names is bullying. You, as an adult, are modeling the very behavior you want her to stop. You need to apologize to the girl and to her parents. Then stop trying to handle this as an issue between you and the girl. It is not appropriate.

Talk to your son about strategies he can use to avoid her or neutralize her behavior toward him. If it continues to be a problem then go to her parents in a collaborative way to work out a plan that makes a better situation for both the girl and your son.

In the future I would suggest that instead of telling her off you try to catch her being good and recognize her for it. I taught kids her age for years and they respond 1000 times better to positive reinforcement. They are going through a difficult and confusing stage in life. They are just becoming aware of the concept of having an identity. They are full of self doubt and look to the people around them for validation.

I can understand how upsetting it when your child is the target of a bully. I have been in that position and your inner mama bear comes out, but it is far more effective to focus on parenting your child through the experience than trying to change another child's behavior.

 

[friskyfish]

Hi ladies, thanks for the advise. Yes, I know I shouldn't have Said what I did. May I add, I said it as I was shutting the window, to myself. She just happened to overhear me. I didn't direct it to her face. I was ranting it to myself.
Please bear in mind, my son has mentioned wanting to die because of this girl. It's very distressing.
When I see her, I am going to apologise for shouting at her. Hopefully it may diffuse this horrible situation.

Thanks again xxx

 

[seoj]

OMG... I can only imagine how infuriating that must be!!! I had a similar experience with my SD and some girls at her school- but at least it was at school, so the principal got involved and my SD handled it all very well-- I would have gotten involved if needed, but lucky, in time- the girls moved on...

I know this is easy for me to say, but the sad truth is, the girl is acting out for a reason... She is going to get her total lack of respect from somewhere. A child does not come into this world that full of hate and anger-- it's engrained in them by life experiences and usually stems from something in their home life. Maybe, something she cannot control at home, so she takes it out on the rest of the world where she can- i.e. your son who is now her current target. It doesn't seem the parents are going to make it any easier...

It's unfortunate- but, I have dealt with people like this. And, yes, you can sink to their level- but the problem with that is then you are in the mud with them. They are used to being there- so what do they care?

I hate to say kill them with kindness... but, maybe that is what you need to do. Even if it's pretend kindness-- because any retaliation on your part now, will only give them more reason to pick on you. As sad as that is. I do have personal experience there... but won't bore you with all the details

I think, at this point- you only really have two options, either stay clear and let things settle down- or confront them and try to hash things out. Some of it depends on THEM- I would try to talk to them first. Apologive for calling their daughter a name- hard as that may be-- But maybe, if you simple said you want to apologize for what you said- and that all you want is for all the neighborhood kids to have fun playing-- and ask what can we do to make that happen? Maybe asking what they suggest might give them a sense of control- and make it easier for them to be open to a discussion? If that doesn't work- then all you can do is ignore them best you can- avoid them and hope things calm down...ugh.

I'm sorry I don't have better advise!

 

[Larkspur]

I hope this perspective is useful not as a parent of an older child but as someone who was bullied in school.

First, it's great, really great that your son is coming to you and being really honest with you about his feelings. I didn't feel I could do that with my parents and it made it so much harder.

So I think the key thing there is to just really make sure you've got his back and keep talking to him and bolstering his confidence. Explain what bullying is about (that even though the other girl is defiant and 'tough', she does it because she's afraid of being rejected or hurt). Emphasise that you understand his hurt and upset but that her words are meaningless. Talk, if you can, about how school years feel so long but that they are soon over, and the important thing is that he doesn't let other people's words define him, because within a few years he'll have moved on and grown up and he will probably never see her again.

At the same time I wouldn't try to validate the idea at all that he "wants to die". I think that's an expression of his feeling that he has no idea how to cope with her, so focus on giving him those skills.

Second, I think you've got to step back and look at how your response is validating his idea that her words matter. When you react emotionally to her, you tell him as well as her that her words have power. I know your son's response is very distressing, but try to put that mentally in a different category to your response to her.

She's an 11-year-old girl, she's certainly cheeky and defiant, but she's just a little kid. You're the adult. She shouldn't be able to push your buttons no matter what she says.

I personally would not bother going back to the mother or girl. What's done is done there, and if you go and ask them again to get her to stay away from your son and she doesn't, it may only add to your son's impression that you are unable to help him. If you see her (or her mum) again and either brings it up, just say mildly, "Yes, I was upset and that was wrong of me to call you that. But I don't like Amy's behaviour, so we'd prefer not to talk to her again until she can be pleasant."

I'd focus on equipping your son with the confidence and skills to stand up to bullying. Talk him through set responses to things she might say, even quite tough things like, "Amy, I'm not interested in your opinion, go away." Try to get the idea into him that if he doesn't care about what she says, she can't hurt him. Remind him that teenagers and kids have a hard time understanding things the way adults do, and in a few years Amy will look back and probably feel really embarrassed about her behaviour.

I hope this helps!