Dealing with visitors after birth?

[Tiffylove]

I have two friends who have just had their babies in the last four days. Both are having issues with constant visitors, both at the hospital and at home.

I am due next month and was wondering how I can prevent this from happening. The last thing I want after giving birth is constant visitors. I assume I will be exhausted and trying to get the hang of nursing the baby.

One friend's SO just sent out a facebook notice saying they know everyone wants to meet their new baby but would appreciate the visits be a 15 minute limit. However, she told me most people think that they are a "close" friend or a "close" relative so that the notice doesn't apply to them. Also, facebook won't work for me as more than half our friends and family do not have a facebook.

How did everyone here deal with this or wish they dealt with this?

 

[pipsbabybean]

I've just stumbled upon ur post Hun, n i no exactly how u feel,
I has the same issue when my dd was born, I swore next time it wud be us until I was ready
I think uve just got to be firm n say no,
It's a private time
N trust me the first weeks fly,
Uve gotta be strong or get hubby to say ur not up to it
Gl Hun
Exciting times ahead x

 

[cupcakekate]

When my daughter was born I came out of hospital at 1pm and by 4pm my MIL and FIL, SIL, BIL and their two kids were all at my house. Where we lived then was alot smaller and it was so overwhelming. I never said anything because I didn't want to upset anyone but this time around I've promised myself to be a little more assertive and just ask people for some space. We had visitors everyday for a week and it just became too much, I was exhausted. Just say no, people should understand xx

 

[greenbeans12]

Just be honest with everyone. If someone asks to come over then gentle decline and tell them you're really exhausted and you're not up for visitors currently. If they come over and stay too long then kindly hint that you're ready for them to go by saying something such as, "I am really tired and the baby is too, we both really need to take a nap." or "I am still so sore from the birth, I think a nice hot shower will do it for me here soon.". If that doesn't work then you're going to either have to suck it up or tell them bluntly.

 

[AnneD]

I found it a bit of a nightmare, to be honest. Two people showed up in hospital, uninvited and unannounced. (I live in a small place, there is only one hospital here.) Just what I really needed when dealing with husband's non-acceptance of the baby, breastfeeding, constant tears and infection. After I was discharged, things were no better. People whom I hadn't heard from in ages wanted to visit, my husband ("the proud daddy") brought in his work colleagues, MIL kept nagging that I should go and visit her in hospital (she was in with rotavirus) three hours' drive away because shebwanted to see the baby. I asked for space and it didn't work. I stopped replying to text messages and emails, and it backfired, people would just turn up. Don't be a pushover like me.

Be firm. Dismantle the doorbell if you can. Turn people away if you don't feel up to having visitors.

 

[MindUtopia]

I think we're a bit lucky in this respect in that we don't have close friends and family nearby who would just drop in. Our nearest family is a little over an hour away and most of our really close friends are about 2 hours away, as we haven't lived in this area for long. But basically we just told everyone that we would need a few days to a week or more, depending on how I was feeling, and that we'd let them know when we were ready for visitors, end of. They aren't the kind of people to just show up unannounced, so it meant they had to wait until we gave them the word. I had a home birth, so we didn't have the whole visiting hours thing to offer any protection. It worked though. I was really exhausted the first week and could barely make it downstairs and we also had a lot of struggles with breastfeeding, so I was so thankful to have some time just to ourselves. Our first visitors were about a week or so after my daughter was born (my husband's mum and grandpa). My mom lives in the U.S. so visited about 6 weeks later. Our first friend visit was after about 2-3 weeks.

Honestly, I think you just have to be direct and tell people that you don't want visitors right away and that you'll let them know when you're ready. And you don't have to let everyone come to visit either. If you just want grandparents then you should say so and tell everyone else they have to wait. If people show up unannounced, you might honestly just have to have your partner tell them you're sleeping or not ready for visitors (it's rude to just show up like that anyway, I think). Hang a sign on the door permanently that says 'baby and mum are sleeping. please no visitors. And yes, that really means YOU'. Or if none of that works, I have a friend who had a time limit on visitors and refused to let them interfere with breastfeeding or sleep. If she was tired of them or the baby fell asleep while visitors were there and they didn't appear to be leaving, she'd literally just get up and take herself and baby to bed, visitors or not. They'd be left to let themselves out. It sounds pushy, but you need your time to rest, recover and bond. You won't care in a few years time if you seemed rude, but it will go a long way to making those early weeks a bit more manageable if you are well rested and not overrun with unwanted guests.

 

[AP]

Warn everyone now- there's NO exceptions, it applies too ALL family.

The first time round was a complete and utter joke, and we had it twice round (everyone and their granny when she was born, and all over again after coming home from NICU for 3 months) I was upset, overwhelmed, and honesty haven't forgiven those who should've known better.

The second time round I warned everyone. DH warned his parents not to come round. And everyone respected this.

Except MIL, who turned up at the door to " bring presents. " She didn't call us it anything, and didn't even consider FIL who might have wanted to see the baby too. She was just adamant she was getting to see the baby.

I truly was furious. I took LO into my room and refused to budge.

 

[lozzy21]

Set rules, Visiting will be from 2-4 and no admintance with out booking works well.

Or stay in your PJ'S in bed for a few days, people wont stay long then

 

[mara16jade]

I haven't had a baby, but I've thought about this a lot after seeing my friend and my cousin recently have babies. I think the best way for us to do it, is when they call or text to congratulate us I'll tell them, "thank you <blah><blah><blah>. We'll let you know when we're settled enough at home to have visitors".

Hopefully that'll keep most people away. And if they still persist, then we'll just tell them we need to rest and maybe in a few days we can see how I'm feeling. With my parents and in-laws, I'll just be straight with them and tell them they need to give us some privacy if they linger too long. haha I have a pretty close relationship with our parents, so that shouldn't be too bad.

Oh, and as for the hospital visits. Can you just not tell everyone which hospital you're at right away? If they call/text asking where you're at, have your OH tell them "we're at the <insert name of hospital>, but we're all pretty tired right now. Can you swing by tomorrow for a little while?".

You could always send your OH to the nurse's station to ask for some interference. Have the nurses come in and tell them its time to let the new parents get some rest. lol Let them do the dirty work.

 

[Rah]

I told everyone straight no visitors in the hospital and we didn't get any.
Visitors at home we asked everyone to ring first put a few people off till a day or so later by saying xxxx was visiting (great excuse) but generally all worked out well

 

[Kte]

We told people the ward we were on didn't let you have visitors ( i did have problems after though so could get away with that). The only people who knew were my parents because they were bringing our daughter to see us - they didn't stay for long either.

We booked people in, you can easily say that you don't want people to run up as you won't know when the midwife will visit and health visitor so please check in advance. I would defo say to them beforehand not to turn up - it is so draining even when you want to see people.

 

[I Love Lucy]

I told everyone before LO was due that we wanted no visitors at the hospital (made an exception for the grandparents) and would have everyone else visit the firs Saturday once we returned home. Everyone respected my wishes and it made things so much easier for DH and I.

 

[tamithomas]

I'm lucky in that area because all of my family and friends live a minimum of 6 hours away. Pretty sure the only people that will be at the hospital is DH, my Mother and Step Father (He's like a second dad to me luckily so it won't be awkward), my Dad chances are more then not won't be because of his work which I fully understand. That guy does 14 hour days 6 days a week. Birthing is already a pretty stressful time, I don't understand people who bombard mothers at the hospital. They can easily wait until the baby is at home. GL at the birth

 

[Samiam03]

The nice thing about the hospital is you can tell them you don't wish to have any visitors...they will deny anyone trying to come in. That is helpful if you are wanting a nap so no one will wake you up or baby. At home, I would be upfront and honest and say you understand they want to see the baby but call first because endless visitors will overwhelm you. No need to tiptoe around it...honesty usually works.

My mom offered to come over every day ALL DAY for two weeks after my son was born. It was horrible and such a mistake! I was tired and irritable...and I felt guilty napping while she was here cleaning. Plus the first day home I was having trouble getting him to sleep and kept rocking him while she kept vacuuming and slamming doors...he kept waking up due to it. I ended up sobbing to my husband that night about it.

With my second, I had no "help" other than my husband and no visitors at all for a week until my inlaws dropped my son back off. It was heaven and so relaxing.

 

[Dragonfly]

I breastfed. Always cleared the room and put people off visiting. Some would ask on the phone was the baby "still" breastfed and decided not to call and see baby. Soon as there was a cry out of one of mine for a feed there was a trail of dust towards the front door.

 

[Rachel_C]

I would tell people that visiting the hospital is discouraged (it is in a lot of places due to risk of infection and because other mothers might not want your family traipsing in while they're in their PJs!) to warn them off in advance, then tell hospital staff to send anybody who turns up away.

We were lucky that nobody would have dared turn up at the hospital (I think OH's family are a little scared of me!) but we were discharged pretty quickly after both kids were born. We told OH's family that we would visit them... nobody was invited to ours. It was fairly easy to give as a reason because we were in a tiny flat at the time, but that wasn't the reason and we didn't say it was! It is a bit of a pain to go out visiting BUT you control exactly when and for how long so it was very worth it for me. There was only one time it didn't work - MIL invited herself round when LO was around a month old - she said she was bringing OH's aunt who didn't know us well enough to ring and sort it out herself (so why on earth she thought she knew us well enough to come and see the baby I have no idea!), then she turned up with the aunt, four of her grown up children and two little kids. I was furious! I basically sat and scowled at them for the entire hour they were there and LO was asleep so I let them look at her but I didn't let anybody touch her or wake her. I think they got the message cos they left pretty quickly .

 

[lola_90]

Honestly tell them no!! I so regret having visitors, will not be doing it next time! One week we had 16 people! Bloody ridiculous! You can't get those first few weeks back. I'm sure if we had've had more time one on one then I might have been able to breastfeed successfully. But it is difficult when you have visitors in an out and i didn't feel comfortable whacking my boob out!

Next time I will definitely be more assertive and when i've had enough will take baby upstairs! I think I was just so shocked from giving birth to a 10lber and sore and emotional I didn't feel like it!