depressed, alone, need help!!

[sandia]

I know I messed up my life completely and I drag my kids down the hill with me!!! So many times I feel so guilty, but they seem happy either way. I guess they dont mind as much as I do where I have taken us.

I left my drug addict husband of 11 years, last oct. Went from one coast to the other, just trying to be as far away as I could! I wanted a new beginning for my kids and me. A month after being on this coast, I was talking to this guy I knew from back home. I hadnt seen him in 20 yrs. We were getting along good and i started liking him and when he started asking me to move in with him, even though in the beginning I was reluctant to do so, I did!!!

6 months later, Im pregnant and we no longer live together. I left because he started being distant, and texting 24/7. He of course denies that something is going on with someone else. Then he said, it was good that I was going to where I wanted to be to begin with, instead of that boring town where he lives, and that when his legal problems are done, he'll come to be with me, my kids and the baby.

I've been gone for a month now and for the past 4 weeks, we've argued as we never did before. I've been super depressed, some friends tell me is hormonal, I've never been like this before, I'm basically beggin for him to love me. And then I feel horrible for doing so. I know that if I wasnt hormonal, I wouldnt be acting this way. Its pathetic!!!

He keeps telling me he is with me, that he loves me and cares, and he cant wait to have this problems gone so he can move with me to where I am now, I moved 3 and a half hours away. But then he rarely calls me or text me, while I know for a fact he is texting this girls 24/7, he now stays up until after midnight texting. When I was there, we usually went to bed by 10pm because of the long days he has every week. Now he wakes up to txt, all day in between and night. And does he even asks how am I doing??? NOOO of course not. He wont even ask how am I feeling or if the pregnancy is going good, nothing at all!!! yet I feel I need more prove...Im insaneeee!!!!

I finally think I get it! I know when someone wants to really be with somebody, they are there for you, specially since he knows the big depression I've been in. And he use to tell me how he wanted to have kids with me and marry me. I feel like such a fool for believing him!!! What happened to me?!! Why did i do this to myself, my kids? I think I should've known better, at my age, how can I fall for all this lies??!!

I cant sleep anymore, I dont want to eat, I cry all the time, it doesnt matter where I am, my daughter is worried I'm always crying. My son came back after I told him I moved and got my own apartment. He told me that to him, this guy is just like my ex to be. I think today i saw that. I lend him too much money and now that I needed he isnt paying it back because he doesnt have it! but its the way he answered that reminded me of my ex. agh!!!

I knew what kind of guy he was from the beginning and thats why i was hesitant, but somehow I thought he wouldnt do this to me! Why was I so stupid to think this?!! I feel he used me!!! and I let him!

But then, I wonder if I'm making things bigger because of my hormones being upside down and my depression isnt helping me either.

My family doesnt know I'm pregnant or that I was with some guy all this months. They are too judgemental and I dont need their recrimination when Im already not feeling good about myself. I want to move on, I think is what I have to do, but I want to tell him how I feel at the same time, but I think it isnt going to make a difference. He probably wont even care.

Im still paying for his cellphone bill!!! and I need the money!! whats wrong with me!!! Even his mum told me last week to cut his line and get the phone back! but I feel guitly doing it, bc i know he needs it for probation. But I dont want to keep paying this high bill for him to ignore me and talk and txt all this girls. And over the weekend, when I told him I want to change to a cheaper cellphone company, he had the nerved to tell me, he wants either a blackberry, or any other smartphone bc he wants to be able to post pics on facebook and keep sending and receiving pics on the phone and emials, and be able to browse. At the end, he said his brother in law will set him up with a new company but he will sell the phone he is using so he can buy himself another phone! I said, thats clever, I bought the phone, I need the money but you figure you buy yourself a phone with the sale of that phone?!!! OMG!! I cant believe the nerve of this guy to say this to me!

Please help! I need advice because even though I see the obvious, I'm not able to let go and for some reason i still love him so much!!! He has hurt me so deeply yet I cant seem to walk away. I do feel Im getting better, specially since I found this forums where I can read other women in similar situations as mine.

thanks a lot...

 

[T'elle]

Hi im really sorry your going through this, and sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind hun, you need to think of yourself and your new little one growing inside you, i cant imagine how your feeling at the moment and being pregnant like you said your hormones will be all over the place hun and could do without stress. Im here if you need a friendly chat! xxx

P.S- Welcome to BNB!! x

 

[frankyzw]

Sorry you're in this place. As difficult as it is, I think you're better off just getting him out of your life and do cut that phone line from him. Time is a healer. Focus on the future with your kids and new baby. If he's genuine about being with you, he will step up. But for now just let go of him.You're a powerful and loving being worthy of love, respect and happiness. You should never have to beg for love. We all make errors of judgement but that doesn't make us a lesser person. The idea is to learn and grow from that.

Are you afraid to let go because you fear the unknown or think you'll never find love again? Guess what, you can always start afresh and there are lots of good guys out there. But if you keep clinging to the old which isn't working and causing you pain, you block the good things from coming. Why do you choose pain? You know what to do. Shift your focus completely from him to you (get to know who you are deep inside), your life, your kids, your baby. Get a new hobby, anything just don't focus on him. Things will get better in time. And yes, your hormones could also be contributing to your emotional state.

Stay strong and we're here for you.

 

[scottishgal89]

im so sorry your in this position.
to be honest i think your better off without him- why would you want to be with someone you obviously dont trust?
yes at the moment it will feel like the end of the world, your pregnant and your hormones will be all over the place but you need to pull yourself together for the sake of your kids, unborn baby and most of all for yourself. your 3 lo's need you.
you need to prioritise your family and forget him.
things will get better. i bet every person on here will have felt like this. terrified at the thought of being alone but life is what we make it to be. you can do this! single mummys are strong people who do everything they can to keep their babys safe and happy. to be honest i actually prefer being a single mum.
sending big hugs
hopefully things will start to look up soon.
the other thing i will say is i suggest you talk to a friend or member of your family. at the moment you need someone to offload onto and a shoulder to cry on. someone to help you get back on track and to support you.
we're all here if you need advice too x

 

[Laura2919]

Sounds like your better off without him...

I hope thngs get better for you soon.. think of your family..