- Joined
- Nov 11, 2010
- Messages
- 257
- Reaction score
- 20
Part of me hopes my new found crazy moodiness and hormone stuff is a good sign but. I am just so frustrated at this point I feel like I want to scream and punch the wall and just about everything else!
We've been TTC for 10 years, now granted I haven't been SUPER obsessive with temps and cp checks etc for most of it but its always a "thing" we talk about and it never goes away. At one point we "gave up" for 6 months and my self hate was great at that point. Only positive was I was foster mommy to a total of 5 children ranging from ages 2 months to 13 years and most with special needs.
I am almost 27 (yeah I got married at 16, yes it was planned, not forced and obviously not pregnant) and it's crazy of me to go "oh I'm so old" but I'm starting to feel that way. I know people have children in their 40s and late 30s but I don't want to be THAT person. My husband who is 37, the thought of him being like 60 when our children goes to college kind scares me. I am not quiet sure why.
I also want to rant (TMI here) that I started getting periods when I was like 12 or something, honestly I try not to remember most of the time. From the start I had an almost nonstop period, no joke. In a typical YEAR I would have maybe 1 month of non-bleeding and that wasn't in a row. I've seen so many doctors that had no answer. At one point a doctor agreed with me that it "might" be PCOS but beyond that she didn't care enough to test me for it. God knows I don't want to add up the cost of pads I've spent (which my mother has harassed me about for YEARS). The only normal times I had in my life were as a child on birth control pill, briefly, which could very well have caused all of this drama in the first place. Not to mention that massive weight gain and consequential depression as a tween. Last november I decided well maybe (and yeah I'm stupid) if I got the depo shot I could normalize my periods and it would help me have more energy, from not bleeding so much. I would be able to workout, lose more weight, and maybe it would help my hormones level out, I mean it works for SOME woman. For one month it worked great, I felt good and when the bleeding started in the beginning of December I was happy, thinking I would be normal. However things were very wrong. It's possible that I ended up having a miscarriage from the shop, planned parenthood did NOT test me prior to the shot. I spent 6 weeks bleeding. For 3 of those weeks (including christmas and new years mind you) I was soaking overnight ultra pads every 30-90 minutes. I was actually prepared to die at one point and I remember my husband crying while laying next to me and I was so weak I couldn't barely move.
Eventually the bleeding went back (end of Feb/Mar when depo would have run out) to normal standards even though it was an everyday. ...
So here I am almost 27 (in 3 1/2 months) and for the FIRST time in my damn life I have had / am having a normal period? HOW?!! No freaking idea. Last month I went about 25-30ish days without bleeding, then had a period starting on June 12th that was light, medium, heavy, light, then spotting and freaking stopped!! Well you can imagine at this point I'm not only doing the happy dance to for-go my worship of cotton but nearly wanting to faint because this is "too normal".
Lately I have not been sleeping normal so my bbt is kinda all over the place (I could show charts if interested) but my CM and cp seem normal? Again, I question what is normal. Part of me is VERY embarassed to be the age I am and not understand normal periods. My Google history is that of a little girl who just had her first period.
I assume I ovulated when my temp dropped and I had lots of ewcm/watery mucus and 1 of my charts (yeah I have 2) doesn't have a coverline, and the one that does is my "adjust temps" chart and I was only over it once or twice. I have so many symptoms I don't normally have that its bizzare, like cramps, bloating, nausea, light headed, my nipples feel like they have been in vice grips, etc. But unlike those with "normal" cycles I have no clue if this is good or not.
My husband tries really hard to be comforting, or I'm atleast going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying REALLY hard to put on the brave face but I'm so stressed out over all of this. I know the normal cycle thing is good, and hell I might even be pregnant right now
bfn: this morning though) but I'm only 8-9dpo. I even checked my cervix one night with a glove (I was testing to see if the glove would produce more mucus) and I saw some bright pinkish blood. Only a few drops. I haven't seen it since (that was two days) and now I'm convinced I somehow cut myself with a glove on?
I really just want to cry and I'm trying not to stress out because stress isn't good for anything. It's so hard when I feel like people around me don't understand.
I also get angry because my sister - in - law got pregnant years ago and announced, on thanksgiving, she was having a baby. I ended up having a miscarriage that night and no one but my hubby and I knew because it was so early.
I've had many mc early on but they hurt just the same. Long story short, I listened for 8 months to her talk about how much of a mistake it was, the inconvenience it was to her lifestyle, and that she was an idiot for missing her bcp that morning before she got absolutely plastered and had sex. However, ever since giving birth up til even today she thinks shes mother of the universe and loves to rub it in everyones face. 
Then for a year after her birth she kept harassing me to "hurry it up" and have a baby so her daughter could have a play mate.
I also feel bad because having done the foster care system I saw all these people who have these precious little things and could have cared less about them. The things they did to their children and put them through. makes me absolutely FURIOUS!
Why are people like that "allowed" to have children and toss them to the side when people like me (and I'm assuming you guys) work SO HARD and, at this point I'm convinced, just won't have them.
This post isn't to make anyone mad or offended, so If I did i'm sorry. I just needed to rant and maybe someone else is going through this that can talk to me. I just don't know how to stay positive it seems.
We've been TTC for 10 years, now granted I haven't been SUPER obsessive with temps and cp checks etc for most of it but its always a "thing" we talk about and it never goes away. At one point we "gave up" for 6 months and my self hate was great at that point. Only positive was I was foster mommy to a total of 5 children ranging from ages 2 months to 13 years and most with special needs.
I am almost 27 (yeah I got married at 16, yes it was planned, not forced and obviously not pregnant) and it's crazy of me to go "oh I'm so old" but I'm starting to feel that way. I know people have children in their 40s and late 30s but I don't want to be THAT person. My husband who is 37, the thought of him being like 60 when our children goes to college kind scares me. I am not quiet sure why.
I also want to rant (TMI here) that I started getting periods when I was like 12 or something, honestly I try not to remember most of the time. From the start I had an almost nonstop period, no joke. In a typical YEAR I would have maybe 1 month of non-bleeding and that wasn't in a row. I've seen so many doctors that had no answer. At one point a doctor agreed with me that it "might" be PCOS but beyond that she didn't care enough to test me for it. God knows I don't want to add up the cost of pads I've spent (which my mother has harassed me about for YEARS). The only normal times I had in my life were as a child on birth control pill, briefly, which could very well have caused all of this drama in the first place. Not to mention that massive weight gain and consequential depression as a tween. Last november I decided well maybe (and yeah I'm stupid) if I got the depo shot I could normalize my periods and it would help me have more energy, from not bleeding so much. I would be able to workout, lose more weight, and maybe it would help my hormones level out, I mean it works for SOME woman. For one month it worked great, I felt good and when the bleeding started in the beginning of December I was happy, thinking I would be normal. However things were very wrong. It's possible that I ended up having a miscarriage from the shop, planned parenthood did NOT test me prior to the shot. I spent 6 weeks bleeding. For 3 of those weeks (including christmas and new years mind you) I was soaking overnight ultra pads every 30-90 minutes. I was actually prepared to die at one point and I remember my husband crying while laying next to me and I was so weak I couldn't barely move.
Eventually the bleeding went back (end of Feb/Mar when depo would have run out) to normal standards even though it was an everyday. ...So here I am almost 27 (in 3 1/2 months) and for the FIRST time in my damn life I have had / am having a normal period? HOW?!! No freaking idea. Last month I went about 25-30ish days without bleeding, then had a period starting on June 12th that was light, medium, heavy, light, then spotting and freaking stopped!! Well you can imagine at this point I'm not only doing the happy dance to for-go my worship of cotton but nearly wanting to faint because this is "too normal".
Lately I have not been sleeping normal so my bbt is kinda all over the place (I could show charts if interested) but my CM and cp seem normal? Again, I question what is normal. Part of me is VERY embarassed to be the age I am and not understand normal periods. My Google history is that of a little girl who just had her first period.
I assume I ovulated when my temp dropped and I had lots of ewcm/watery mucus and 1 of my charts (yeah I have 2) doesn't have a coverline, and the one that does is my "adjust temps" chart and I was only over it once or twice. I have so many symptoms I don't normally have that its bizzare, like cramps, bloating, nausea, light headed, my nipples feel like they have been in vice grips, etc. But unlike those with "normal" cycles I have no clue if this is good or not.
My husband tries really hard to be comforting, or I'm atleast going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying REALLY hard to put on the brave face but I'm so stressed out over all of this. I know the normal cycle thing is good, and hell I might even be pregnant right now
bfn: this morning though) but I'm only 8-9dpo. I even checked my cervix one night with a glove (I was testing to see if the glove would produce more mucus) and I saw some bright pinkish blood. Only a few drops. I haven't seen it since (that was two days) and now I'm convinced I somehow cut myself with a glove on? I really just want to cry and I'm trying not to stress out because stress isn't good for anything. It's so hard when I feel like people around me don't understand.
I also get angry because my sister - in - law got pregnant years ago and announced, on thanksgiving, she was having a baby. I ended up having a miscarriage that night and no one but my hubby and I knew because it was so early.
I've had many mc early on but they hurt just the same. Long story short, I listened for 8 months to her talk about how much of a mistake it was, the inconvenience it was to her lifestyle, and that she was an idiot for missing her bcp that morning before she got absolutely plastered and had sex. However, ever since giving birth up til even today she thinks shes mother of the universe and loves to rub it in everyones face. Then for a year after her birth she kept harassing me to "hurry it up" and have a baby so her daughter could have a play mate. I also feel bad because having done the foster care system I saw all these people who have these precious little things and could have cared less about them. The things they did to their children and put them through. makes me absolutely FURIOUS!
Why are people like that "allowed" to have children and toss them to the side when people like me (and I'm assuming you guys) work SO HARD and, at this point I'm convinced, just won't have them.
This post isn't to make anyone mad or offended, so If I did i'm sorry. I just needed to rant and maybe someone else is going through this that can talk to me. I just don't know how to stay positive it seems.
