Depressing thread...just getting it off my chest!

[Sam_1980]

Hello

I dont post here much, mainly beause i have nothing constructive or positive to contribute anymore, but i feel every LTTTC's pain all the same...but i'm just numb and pregnancy is just something that happens to other people

I've been ttc for 13 long years now - went to gp last year, after finally admitting to myself that erm i'm now 32 and it isnt going to happen. Turns out i have one blocked tube but they say my ovulation is fine WTF i said how can it be fine if i have one good tube and still have never gotten pregnant - they werent willing to entertain me with finding out why. Just IVF is your only hope...2 years waiting list on NHS by which time i doubt if i'll even have any eggs left inside me. I know i should be grateful for this glimmer of hope and i am of course i am, but I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight, had an arguement with my hubby, i just feel like walking away and jumping off a bridge..i wont of course but sometimes wish i had the guts.

Whats the point of infertility, whats the point of me being born a woman destined to have an empty womb. I used to be (believe it or not) a positive person and always thought it'll happen when it happens, clearly after 13 years thats not the case.

So here i am 13 years later on anti depressants and sleeping pills...me who was the happiest healthiest person going - eating healthily all my life - moderate exercise always a size 10, organic everything even including shampoo etc all the way for at least 8 years, cut out ciggies and alcohol while my smoking/drinking/junk eating friends got pregnant at the drop of a hat....i just dispair, honestly i wish someone could just tell me my destiny so i could stop torturing myself - 13 years of getting my period every month has finally broken me.

Sorry for the depressing post when we are all trying to stay positive, but i really just needed to vent - thank you if you've read this far - i wish you all the best

 

[MrsPTTC]

Sam, big hun, 19months is upsetting enough for me, can't begin to imagine 13 years & can't believe how long you waited to see a FS about it! I only waited 10 months as I just knew something was up & also time wasn't on my side (I'm 30.) I'm shocked they won't do anything about your tube, how was it diagnosed? HSG or lap? Chin up chick, I'm sure with IVF it will happen & you'll get your baby, despite the long waiting list x

 

[Sam_1980]

Hi there

Thank you for replying to my attention seeking post - slightly embarrassed now, airing my laundry in public and all that, but must say i feel slightly better so thank you for replying.

I had a lap and dye test in January this year, i asked if i could pay private to have my tube cleared and they said it does more harm than good and IVF was my only chance. To be honest i could, if i really tried, have private IVF and i'm sorry if this sounds pathetic but i just feel really hard done by - why oh why should i - and of course the answer is i should because i want my baby - but still, i want my baby the way nature intended....this prob doesnt make sense

I've always had 28 days periods and i've had 21 day blood tests for 6 month running and the results are always over 50 most over 70 so they say i am for sure ovulating...it just doesnt add up - but they wont give me clomid saying it wont help whatsoever. I actually bought some myself from internet but i'm just too scared to take them...although what have i to lose, but still i just cant bring myself to try them.

Thank you so much for replying, 19 month or 13 years doesnt matter how long its still too long. What did your gp say are you waiting for further tests?

 

[MrsPTTC]

Hun I've tried to reply at length but my touchscreen is playing up on my phone so I'll reply properly tomorrow on the computer. Sorry hun, night night & try not to worry, your time will come xx

 

[Armywife84]

I certainly wouldn't take Clomid ordered from the internet, you have no idea what it is. Clomid also won't help you since they already confirmed you're ovulating.

How was your DH's SA? I wouldn't rule out IUIs if NHS will allow it. Even then I'd pay for private too if you could.

Are you against alternative treatments? I mean I can understand if you are...there are some that if doesn't happen naturally, it's not going to happen at all.

 

[Sam_1980]

Hello ArmyWife

Thanks for replying, i think we spoke a while back?! I've had the clomid near 3 month and havent taken it and know i never will unless my doc approves it, it was just a spur of the moment desparation thing...i talked sense into myself

I've always been into natural/alternative treatments - but i've tried them all - no result i'm sorry to say

Hence me visiting my doc, SA sample was perfect and we've been together since we were both 14, didnt sleep together until we were 17 tho. Luckily i had a lap and dye within 6 months of seeing my gp and the end result is ivf - which no i'm not turning down, but just cant believe after all my years of being calm and thinking it will happen to finally have a consensus that actually no it wont and ivf is your only hope - i cant cope right now with that, i want answers - why is it my only hope - they said one tube is as good as two - but they wont investigate then why after 13 years i have never got pregnant. To me its more than just a blocked tube...seems obvious, but to them it isnt worth investigating...sad

 

[MrsPTTC]

Hi Sam, my damn phone was scrambling my reply last night, it kept jumping about when I was trying to correct it!

Re the clomid, it is very risky using it unprescribed but then I know of people that have done this & got preggo. But you really risk overstimulation if you're not monitored! I have heard the opposite to Armywife - I've heard it can help people who are ovulating, making bigger stronger, better quality eggs . The FS was happy to put me on it despite only 1 blood test coming back I didn't ovulate, and even then I'm not convinced. I used to get pain on my left ovary every ovulation, and it turned out I have a large cyst so can only assume I always ovulated from the left. Well once the clomid started I must've been ovulating from the right (in fact the TV u/s on the first cycle confirmed this) as I didn't get any pain on the left until the 6th and last cycle. So for me, it seemed to kick start my lazy right ovary into gear! Of course it still didn't work for me lol.

I was going to ask if you'd had an SA, but I see you have. Have you had your post coital cm tested? I've read they can do this to see if your cm is hostile to the sperm, but my FS hasn't mentioned this so will ask him next time. I don't understand why they wouldn't give IUI with meds a go first, yes the success rate isn't great, but surely it's worth a try?!

In answer to your question I am with a FS & we have our next appt on 25th April after the 6 clomid rounds. Going it alone this cycle! When I last saw him I asked what if it just doesn't work and he mentioned either IUI or going straight to IVF. I too, would prefer not to have to go down this route. Mainly as we want 2 or 3 kids (I know that sounds selfish, of course I would be happy with 1) and if we have to go down the IVF route then to get baby #2 we'd have to pay for it privately. I'd like to think we can get there on our own, even if it takes time but would bite his hand off if he suggested either of these at the minute. I'm hoping he'll do some extra tests, I would really like a lap to check for endo & zap that bloody cyst! I've already had an HSG and everything fine there. I'd like further progesterone tests as I am a spotter before AF, sometimes from 6DPO - he insists it won't stop me getting preggo & it's not down to low progesterone, but I'm not convinced. I'd also like my lining checked again as I'm frightened the clomid has thinned it, which it can do. I don't like my FS I find him arrogant & last time he made me feel so stupid, so I'm taking DH this time and he's going to support me and not take any crap!

x

 

[kitcatbaby]

Im sorry you are feeling this way darling!! But I don't think you are receiving anywhere near adequate care or advice from your doctor here. I also have one blocked tube and ovulate on my own every month but have been prescribed clomid 100mg to boost my ovulation (more eggs released and at a batter quality) which is really handy for one tubers like us as it can encourage eggs on our good side to develop! If I were you I would get yourself another doctor who will prescribe clomid. After 13years it's got to be worth a shot? I really hope you get your baby hun your post seemed so desperate! big hugs and baby dust xx

 

[Jess137]

I didn't want to read and run, even though I don't have anything to offer but support. it sounds though like your doctors are not doing all they could to help you. I agree with the others about the Clomid you got online though. You don't have any way to be sure what you're taking. I hope that something works out for you soon though.

 

[Armywife84]

Hello ArmyWife

Thanks for replying, i think we spoke a while back?! I've had the clomid near 3 month and havent taken it and know i never will unless my doc approves it, it was just a spur of the moment desparation thing...i talked sense into myself

I've always been into natural/alternative treatments - but i've tried them all - no result i'm sorry to say

Hence me visiting my doc, SA sample was perfect and we've been together since we were both 14, didnt sleep together until we were 17 tho. Luckily i had a lap and dye within 6 months of seeing my gp and the end result is ivf - which no i'm not turning down, but just cant believe after all my years of being calm and thinking it will happen to finally have a consensus that actually no it wont and ivf is your only hope - i cant cope right now with that, i want answers - why is it my only hope - they said one tube is as good as two - but they wont investigate then why after 13 years i have never got pregnant. To me its more than just a blocked tube...seems obvious, but to them it isnt worth investigating...sad

I can understand of not being able to wrap your brain around IVF. Personally, I'm scared to do it and hope we never go down that road.

In your lap did they find endo?

You would think with one good tube, you would eventually conceive. I know your chances are reduced conceiving naturally, but after 13 years...come on!!

 

[wonderstars]

I'm with others, I think you need to find another physician. With one good tube and normal ovulation there are many other options rather than IVF. You're 32 not 40 so you time to explore other options before going for IVF. If DH's SA is normal, why the heck wouldn't they do Clomid (or injectibles) with IUI + trigger. That seems ridiculous to me.

I had one good flowing tube and while my OBGYN offered referral to another city for quick IVF he thought it wasn't necessary and actually discourage me from doing it.

Can ya tell how irritated I get with physicians tossing IVF into every infertility conversation? That and tossing clomid around like it's candy.

Chin up lady, you're young and you got ovaries and tubes and eggs. We'll all get there.