Depression before = post natal depression??

[Brightxeyes]

Right. I've suffered with anxiety for years, and last year I had a few incidents happen which triggered post traumatic stress, extreme anxiety that my heart rate went to over 150bm and my friend panicked and called an ambulance when I struggled to breathe and pretty bad depression.
I was on citalopram for about 8 months, and weened off for a few months but work stress made me go back on them for a few months until I found out I was pregnant.

I came off them straight away. I kinda feel better for coming off them as at times I felt like a zombie, I almost was too chilled out that I didn't care and I kinda was better for it through a rough period.

I feel more alert now, which is great. But I'm still suffering and recently my anxiety has gotten that bad I'm almost hyperventilating at times and I'm scared, scared I'm hurting baby too with these panic attacks.

I'm very down. Hormones probably don't help, on top of the depression. But yesterday I didn't eat anything but a few biscuits until 10pm. I stayed in bed until 6/7pm purely because I felt so crap on my day off.

Problems with the other half doesn't help and even after serious talks he doesn't listen and do the things that bother me. Eg. Went to the pub to watch the football, he was quite drunk but in a cheery way, I said want to go after that drink? As most of our friends had left already and it was getting on, he said it wouldn't be a late one. He said do you mind if I stay? I might stay for another drink after this one. So I was a bit yknow like oh okay but fine so I went. I did ask before I left are you going out out. He said no I will be back soon. Then I said well I'm having a little drive (drives calm me) just call me if you need a lift. He ignored me so I said okay well tell me if you end up going out out.
He went out out. And it just really made me flip, like don't say one thing and do another. Don't wait for me to leave then tell me you're going out.

It makes me look like a right controlling girlfriend when I call him and say please come home it bothers me.
He seems to go out a lot more now. Mainly when he's annoyed at me. Mainly to spite me. And it really really has started to get to me that I just have these massive panic attacks and horrible thoughts.

To the point I need a cigarette to calm me down, but luckily I haven't touched one.

But I really don't know what to do. We talk I tell him why it bothers me. It's the way he goes about it. Not the fact he goes out. Just the way he treats me. Like 'you can't control me' but I'm not. He'll ask if I mind and if I don't mind I say no. If I do mind because maybe I want some of his time for once I say I do mind. And he goes out anyway!

So yeah that's my mini rant on what's getting me down but that's not it. It's just starting to be every aspect of the relationship as well as lack of friendships. Hating work. Feeling just so alone like I've got no one to turn to.

Getting real down about my body.

It's just going down hill.

Now my thoughts are focused on, will this get bad after baby is born?
Will I be a terrible mother because of my depression? I can't have panic attacks with a baby to look after. I can't have a melt down. How will I cope? How will I cope if I end up single and alone? It'll be even worse.
Will he try to use my mental health against me if we split up or have a bad time?

All these silly things.

I know I can be a good mother. I would try my absolute best to put on a brave face.

But the only thing that is keeping me breathing and alive and not smoking and not self harming is feeling my baby kick. Honestly I feel bad for saying some of these things. Even thinking some things. But that's the only reason why I'm here right now, otherwise I would have gladly have done wreckless things.

I feel so low and I can't stand counsellors. Done it before. Not only is there a long waiting list (3/4 months, which is no good to me right now), but they've never helped. I get more mad. Sometimes I think maybe there's something else wrong with me. I go from completely normal healthy thoughts to manic depressive thoughts that consume me and I feel maybe this sudden change is maybe more than depression.

I'm just simply fed up.
I'm not expecting anyone to read that long post. I'm not expecting anyone to say anything. Sometimes it just needs to be put in words.

I just want the best for my little boy and I'm scared he'll end up like me. Or I'll be rubbish and he'll hate me.

 

[immie]

I suffer with extreme anxiety too but I am taking citalopram to control it. I came off it when I found out I was pregnant and lasted a month before going back to the doctor in tears and asking to be put bback on it. I know you don't necessarily want to go back on meds as you felt like a zombie but what dose were you on? 10, 20, 30 or 40mg? Because I'm on 20mg and that's just right for me so maybe go on a lower dose and you shouldn't feel so zombiefied! As for whether or not anxiety and depression meaning higher chances of post natal depression - I really don't know. It's something that worries me all the time too. I think the trick is to have routine, structure and motivation. When I have an off day and stay in the house all day, I don't really feel any better for it. When I force myself to get ready and make myself look and feel nice and get out and do something, it really helps. You have to be so strict with yourself. Everyone is different though so what I've said may be useless to you but thought I'd get it out there incase anything I've said might help. Oh and I completely agree about counsellors! Absolutely cannot stand them! Good luck to you. Sending you a hug xxxxx

 

[princessatmey]

hey hun id talk gp an see if you can see pcychiartrist. I see one every 3 months. I was on citroplam years ago but took self off. I was then put on fluoxetine when was 6+months preg with son whos nearly 2 an half. I had it upped after birth an was seing cpn (i didnt not get post natal depression, was border). I also was on meds through second preg. Both kids ok an fluoxetine is safe and commonly used in preg woman. I am preg with forst an was badly sick early on so stopped taken meds so psyciatrist said stay off an review nxt month. I nvr got postnatal depression second time either. But i also had cpn an my hv were monitoring me more closly as i was high risk getting it.

 

[princessatmey]

third preg.

 

[pinkribbon]

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give you but I did read all that post and want to send you a

 

[Meljenn]

I found that I get depressed if I stay home alone on off days. It is better for me if I try and have something lined up to do so I don't sit there and worry

 

[Brightxeyes]

I'd love to get out more, but my boyfriend either is working too much or if he has spare time he doesn't put any time aside for me.

My friends now live far away for uni and work etc. the other friends don't give a crap now I'm pregnant. The ones that care are the ones further away!

And I don't have a lot of money. I'm gona try and do some DIY bits next day off (I was meant to the other day) I want to take up swimming but after getting more and more uncomfortable in my body I feel too nervous to go just yet.

Eeee.

I do need to do more. Boyfriend works from home so he ends up making clutter rather than tidying much. Like he still puts a wash on etc but then he won't tidy properly so nothing looks any tidier. Blah.

Need motivation!

 

[Rizzo Rizzie]

You aren't alone. During my last pregnancy I was severely depressed but I wasn't on medication then. I literally lost all of my friends. Every single one of them. I was also down about my body as I gained 60 lbs during the pregnancy. My depression turned into postpartum depression and it was the worst feeling ever. I felt like I was a horrible mother and I felt so guilty. I was too depressed to even get help for it. I eventually sought help and was put on meds. I still take the meds now but I still have bad days where I cry and the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning is my son. I talked to my doctor about it last month and he upped my dose of Zoloft to 100mg. I am trying my best to be happier but that is easier said than done.